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Original poster

Secretly cross dressing husband

371 replies

Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 06:21

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

OP posts:
lifeturnsonadime · 22/09/2023 18:29

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 18:24

There are so many posters minimising here that I'm starting to suspect some kind of bat signal has gone out.

From the very start of this thread it has been clear that there have been some posters with a mens sexual rights agenda posting on this thread.

The attempts to shame the OP in to accepting this as normal in a relationship have been obvious.

Battytwatty · 22/09/2023 18:29

That thought crossed my mind too @TinselAngel. Never seen so many tran apologists on a thread

SoundTheSirens · 22/09/2023 18:29

Tbh getting yourself off in women's clothes is a pretty harmless fetish. People are here talking like he's some kind of sexual deviant and comparing him to an adulter. I find it a bit rediculous.

Good for you. You’re free to date as many AGP transvestites as you fancy.

But this can be very far from a harmless kink (there is a difference between kinks and fetishes btw). It’s one of the paraphilias most likely to be found in conjunction with others, often involving risky behaviours. It is very prone to escalation (the fact it’s gone from photos on a laptop to stockings to a skirt and wig suggest the OP’s husband is indeed escalating). He’s already spent money on some props for his kink; some men end up spending so much it starts to impact on the family income. He’s lying to and trying to gaslight the OP - that’s not harmless. If he’s getting off to a fantasy of himself as a woman then he has a warped, pornified, misogynistic. idea of women and that will influence his interactions with real women; the OP already says he lies to her about other things, prioritises himself, gets angry when things don’t go the way he wants.

If you’re ignorant of the harms that having an AGP fetish can cause, then you’re fortunate but also somewhat naive.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 18:35

It wouldn't surprise me if the cross dressers move on from writing hit pieces about me, to targeting these kind of threads that they know will come up on Google when women are in the same situation.

When I was growing up, there were frequently letters on problem pages in magazines and newspapers about cross dressing husbands, which always got a minimising response from the agony aunt. I've no evidence to prove it, but I now believe such stories were probably planted by the Beaumont Society, who aim was always to gaslight women into staying with cross dressing husbands.

It's not a leap to think that they would migrate to this sort of thread, which is the modern day equivalent of a problem page.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 18:36

SoundTheSirens · 22/09/2023 18:29

Tbh getting yourself off in women's clothes is a pretty harmless fetish. People are here talking like he's some kind of sexual deviant and comparing him to an adulter. I find it a bit rediculous.

Good for you. You’re free to date as many AGP transvestites as you fancy.

But this can be very far from a harmless kink (there is a difference between kinks and fetishes btw). It’s one of the paraphilias most likely to be found in conjunction with others, often involving risky behaviours. It is very prone to escalation (the fact it’s gone from photos on a laptop to stockings to a skirt and wig suggest the OP’s husband is indeed escalating). He’s already spent money on some props for his kink; some men end up spending so much it starts to impact on the family income. He’s lying to and trying to gaslight the OP - that’s not harmless. If he’s getting off to a fantasy of himself as a woman then he has a warped, pornified, misogynistic. idea of women and that will influence his interactions with real women; the OP already says he lies to her about other things, prioritises himself, gets angry when things don’t go the way he wants.

If you’re ignorant of the harms that having an AGP fetish can cause, then you’re fortunate but also somewhat naive.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Haffiana · 22/09/2023 18:44

It is blindingly obvious though, @TinselAngel. It is the same all over the whole internet - this repositioning of autogynephilia as something perfectly harmless, normal, and something that any modern woman should embrace with her wide-open, sexually-understanding arms.

Meanwhile, actual women reading these threads are going WTAF?

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 18:51

It's worth also pointing out that the belief that one shouldn't "kink shame" is not universal or a given. Many of us are happy to shame kinks that are damaging to women.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 19:14

SoundTheSirens · 22/09/2023 18:29

Tbh getting yourself off in women's clothes is a pretty harmless fetish. People are here talking like he's some kind of sexual deviant and comparing him to an adulter. I find it a bit rediculous.

Good for you. You’re free to date as many AGP transvestites as you fancy.

But this can be very far from a harmless kink (there is a difference between kinks and fetishes btw). It’s one of the paraphilias most likely to be found in conjunction with others, often involving risky behaviours. It is very prone to escalation (the fact it’s gone from photos on a laptop to stockings to a skirt and wig suggest the OP’s husband is indeed escalating). He’s already spent money on some props for his kink; some men end up spending so much it starts to impact on the family income. He’s lying to and trying to gaslight the OP - that’s not harmless. If he’s getting off to a fantasy of himself as a woman then he has a warped, pornified, misogynistic. idea of women and that will influence his interactions with real women; the OP already says he lies to her about other things, prioritises himself, gets angry when things don’t go the way he wants.

If you’re ignorant of the harms that having an AGP fetish can cause, then you’re fortunate but also somewhat naive.

This is such alarmist ridiculousness. Using the word "escalating" to describe someone looking at images to deciding to masturbate wearing a crap wig and some hold ups is so ott.

Like noone is saying the OP should stay. If it gives her a major ick she wouldn't be able to get over she should leave. Also she said he lies to her I assume about other things. It doesn't sound like they have a trustful relationship if he lies to her so she can't believe things he says and he doesn't feel like he can be honest with her about his sexual fantasies. It all just sounds like an unhealthy relationship for everyone involved despite her describing them as "best friends". She should leave.

Noone is trying to shame her into staying if she isn't happy just by thinking that wearing women's clothes as a sexual kink in private isn't the same as having an affair and doesn't make someone some kind of sexual delinquent.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 19:18

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 18:35

It wouldn't surprise me if the cross dressers move on from writing hit pieces about me, to targeting these kind of threads that they know will come up on Google when women are in the same situation.

When I was growing up, there were frequently letters on problem pages in magazines and newspapers about cross dressing husbands, which always got a minimising response from the agony aunt. I've no evidence to prove it, but I now believe such stories were probably planted by the Beaumont Society, who aim was always to gaslight women into staying with cross dressing husbands.

It's not a leap to think that they would migrate to this sort of thread, which is the modern day equivalent of a problem page.

Or alternatively, instead of some cross dresser conspiracy, maybe many women just don't find it a big deal let alone one that is as much of a deal as it is to to you? Crazy to think women don't all think the same I know.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:22

wearing women's clothes as a sexual kink in private isn't the same as having an affair and doesn't make someone some kind of sexual delinquent.

Nobody is saying it is the same. Women here who have been in both situations have said there are similarities.

Why do you think some men find this sort of thing a turn on? It is because they find it sexy to imagine themselves in what they perceive to be the subordinate role that women fulfil. It is an inherently misogynistic fetish.

If this does not bother you then that's your choice. The rest of us are fully entitled to see the inherent harm.

Shilling for fetishists on a parenting forum is really not a good way to spend your time.

Sexual delinquent? So often allegations are projections.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:23

Or alternatively, instead of some cross dresser conspiracy,
Don't try and make me sound paranoid, the influence of the likes of press for change and the Beaumont Society is well documented.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 19:34

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:22

wearing women's clothes as a sexual kink in private isn't the same as having an affair and doesn't make someone some kind of sexual delinquent.

Nobody is saying it is the same. Women here who have been in both situations have said there are similarities.

Why do you think some men find this sort of thing a turn on? It is because they find it sexy to imagine themselves in what they perceive to be the subordinate role that women fulfil. It is an inherently misogynistic fetish.

If this does not bother you then that's your choice. The rest of us are fully entitled to see the inherent harm.

Shilling for fetishists on a parenting forum is really not a good way to spend your time.

Sexual delinquent? So often allegations are projections.

I meant "sexual deviant". Delinquent wasn't the word I was looking for.

I am not "shilling for fetishists" and this isn't a parenting forum this is the relationship section.

Just like you are welcome to come along and compare secret cross dressing to having an affair, or talk to the OP like her husband has done some awful thing, people are welcome to disagree with you and tell the OP they disagree with that stance.

Panaa · 22/09/2023 19:35

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 18:51

It's worth also pointing out that the belief that one shouldn't "kink shame" is not universal or a given. Many of us are happy to shame kinks that are damaging to women.

The whole notion of kink shaming is also abused and used to try to shame people into accepting kinks that are either harmful or a turn off sexually.

You're not supposed to shame someone for having a kink....but you're allowed to shame a person for being turned off by it 🤔😂

It's like people think the psychological damage caused to a person when they can't engage in a kink or are not supported in it is worse than the psychological damage caused to a person who has to accept kinks that repulse or even traumatise them.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:38

Yes. So many people seems to believe in Boner Uber Alles.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 19:38

Panaa · 22/09/2023 19:35

The whole notion of kink shaming is also abused and used to try to shame people into accepting kinks that are either harmful or a turn off sexually.

You're not supposed to shame someone for having a kink....but you're allowed to shame a person for being turned off by it 🤔😂

It's like people think the psychological damage caused to a person when they can't engage in a kink or are not supported in it is worse than the psychological damage caused to a person who has to accept kinks that repulse or even traumatise them.

Show quote history

Who here is shaming her for being turned off by it? Or saying she has to accept a kink she finds repulsive or traumatising in her relationship?

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:41

"deviant
/ˈdiːvɪənt/
adjective
1 departing from usual or accepted standards, especially in social or sexual behaviour."deviant behaviour"

Perfectly fair to consider cross dressing sexually deviant.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 19:52

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:41

"deviant
/ˈdiːvɪənt/
adjective
1 departing from usual or accepted standards, especially in social or sexual behaviour."deviant behaviour"

Perfectly fair to consider cross dressing sexually deviant.

The term is socially connected to and associated with people who engage in non-consensual sex acts such as exhibitionism and worse. You know full well it is considered a negative term for people who commit sexual harm.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:54

The behaviour you describe is one type of deviance- ie behaviour outside of the norm sexual cross dressing is another.. There are greater and lesser degrees of deviance I suppose.

Interesting that it was you who brought deviance and non consensual behaviour up in the first place and now you're acting like I raised it.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 19:58

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:54

The behaviour you describe is one type of deviance- ie behaviour outside of the norm sexual cross dressing is another.. There are greater and lesser degrees of deviance I suppose.

Interesting that it was you who brought deviance and non consensual behaviour up in the first place and now you're acting like I raised it.

I am not acting like you raised it. I raised it as people are acting like he is awful for cross dressing.

I am saying that the term is heavy loaded with social negative connotations. I don't think cross dressing, especially in modern society where it is not even that uncommon really makes someone a sexual deviant (considering that big negative association that phrase has and who else is socially considered a sexual deviant)

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:59

It's not my fault if you bring "deviance" into a conversation without understanding what it means.

Panaa · 22/09/2023 20:01

@Dolores87
I wasn't specifically referring to this thread. I was discussing the notion of 'kink shaming'.

However, people will often say that 'kink shaming' can often be subtle, and yet massively impact the person and shame them so people should be careful with what they say.

And the same should apply to the reverse, no one might be saying go along with something that traumatises you, but despite the OP clearly being against it there are people such as yourself saying it's harmless, one person said it was bizarre to be angry about someones private and internal desires etc. which is kind of like gaslighting, it can make people think their reaction is not normal etc and that they are the bad guy for making their partner feel shamed because they can't accept the kink.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 20:04

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 19:59

It's not my fault if you bring "deviance" into a conversation without understanding what it means.

I understand what the term means 🙄 I disagree that cross dressing in modern society makes someone a sexual deviant considering the negative association we have to the phrase socially (it's basically used akin to phrases such as pervert and is associated with the harmful dredges of sexual society and you know that).

beastlyslumber · 22/09/2023 20:10

Well, it is a form of sexual deviance. That's just a fact.

You can't go around changing the meaning of words to suit you. Cross dressers are sexual deviants and if women find sexual deviancy to be unattractive and frightening, then it's not up to you to tell us we shouldn't.

If you want to go around defending sexual deviants, might I suggest that this is not the thread on which to do it. You and your cohort have contributed absolutely nothing of value to the OP's dilemma. Maybe start your own thread in the sex topic to complain about how deviants aren't given enough respect by these uppity women.

AdamRyan · 22/09/2023 20:11

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 18:18

I agree about the lying.

But tbh I'm not surprised by it. He has a fetish he is probably pretty ashamed about that he knows his wife will be disgusted by and got discovered. Yeah he should have admitted then and there what they were but I mean, I'm not shocked he didn't.

Tbh getting yourself off in women's clothes is a pretty harmless fetish. People are here talking like he's some kind of sexual deviant and comparing him to an adulter. I find it a bit rediculous.

I mean obviously it gives OP the ick and I don't think she can just get over that. Also she's just said she doesn't trust him and he lies so that's a whole other issue that sounds like she's just better off leaving him.

But as for the fetish itself. I find alot of reactions here really over the top.

Show quote history

If you are in a respectful relationship you don't lie to your partner. Even if you feel ashamed.

You don't tell a story to try to get out of what's clearly true. You fess up.

If you are in a truly respectful relationship when your partner says "xyz would be a deal breaker for me" you choose to not do xyz, or to leave the relationship.

Stop minimising the impact of his behaviour on her.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 20:18

Panaa · 22/09/2023 20:01

@Dolores87
I wasn't specifically referring to this thread. I was discussing the notion of 'kink shaming'.

However, people will often say that 'kink shaming' can often be subtle, and yet massively impact the person and shame them so people should be careful with what they say.

And the same should apply to the reverse, no one might be saying go along with something that traumatises you, but despite the OP clearly being against it there are people such as yourself saying it's harmless, one person said it was bizarre to be angry about someones private and internal desires etc. which is kind of like gaslighting, it can make people think their reaction is not normal etc and that they are the bad guy for making their partner feel shamed because they can't accept the kink.

Personally I don't think it's wrong or shaming to say a kink is "bizarre" but equally I don't think telling someone being bothered by someone engaging in a kink that doesn't hurt anyone else in private is "bizarre" either and I wouldn't personally assume that someone thinking my reaction is bizarre means how I think is not normal. For example I said in the strip club thread that I would end my marriage over a private dance and people thought I was ott, but I wouldn't see that as meaning I should accept this deal breaker for me.
I think people can be a bit precious about language around kinks in this way really.

I do think if someone is asking for advice in a relationship forum and there are wildly different views, especially on a subject like this then those views should all be shared with the poster. I have definitely had opinions about my relationship that in hindsight I think I was over reacting about and I'm glad I didn't end the relationship over it after all and others where talking about it made me double down on my feelings as I knew them to be important to me and confirmed the decision I should make.

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