Secretly cross dressing husband

[Sadface231]

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

The lying is the worst part isn’t it. Even when confronted he isn’t being honest. The fact he ordered them as soon as you were away shows his secrecy and that he isn’t being a trustworthy partner. If he can lie to your face about this then what else is he lying about. You deserve honesty.

However, neither of those men are now living as women. I imagine they’re both still getting a little kick out of wearing lacy knickers though. And there are plenty of women who would happily indulge this as part of their sex lifewith their partner.

Wondering what you base that generalisation on.

He's not going to come clean because he knows what you think about crossdressing, you've told him in the past. He doesn't want you to slut shame him nor "rock the marriage boat" by getting confrontational. He must be very sad because you don't want to have sex with him, but then I don't blame you. He got himself inside this hole when he married you knowing what you thought about that particular kink. It creeped you, it still does. What did he expected?

This

This has nothing to do with prejudice. I was merely sharing MY experience of seeing first hand how trans widows took an opportunity to share their experiences but then insist that their outcome was the only outcome, and then to browbeat and abuse the OP when she said that her situation differed from theirs in significant aspects. The trans widows in question were blinkered and bullying and unable to accept that their experiences, whilst terrible, could not be considered as the ONLY possible outcome for the OP. The threads were deeply unpleasant.

Can you give receipts for this @Usernamaste? I have not seen any such threads. I have never seen Trans Widows on here "browbeat", "abuse" or "bully". These are serious allegations, and if such behaviour had taken place I would expect it to have been reported as being NITS and deleted.

Women who have similar experiences to the OP are entitled to say where they think this might lead. This is not "bullying". It is helpful advice based on lived experience.

It looks like there is now a concerted effort for men like our exes, and their supporters, to try and beat us onto these sort of threads, when we have never even seen it as a race.

Shame on you for trying to preemptively discredit us when the OP could benefit from our experiences just as many, many women have on here.

If I was paranoid, I'd suspect the involvement of the Beaumont Society.

Wanting women to believe it is true so men can continue to get away with it.

Self harm as well. Has he had counselling?

He had a very abusive childhood, that led to various addictions through the years and the self harm. He has never wanted to have counselling. He did have EMDR a few years back when his stepdad died and it triggered intrusive thoughts. That was successful. I did ask this morning if he would go for counselling but he said no.

Hmm he's very sad... but not sad enough to get some therapy or counselling.

If he was truly sad he would own up and be willing to explore all avenues with you.

Instead he's lied, and used his emotions to manipulate you.

The thing is if she is actively sharing "I hate the whole fetish" then what other choice does he have but to hide it ? In all honesty ? At least by lying he stands a chance of the relationship he values carrying on. When he's been told the answer he must give then that is the answer he will choose to give. That's no good for anybody, the truth is needed here.

Hence why my suggestion is to have a non judgemental conversation about the kink. To see if there is any way through it. If there is no way through, and it's ick, then it's best for both partners to find somebody who will make them happy.

The thing is if she is actively sharing "I hate the whole fetish" then what other choice does he have but to hide it ? In all honesty ?

He has the choice of being honest and saying "I have this fetish that I know you hate. It's become more important to me than my family. Where would you like to go from here?"

Funnily enough it's an option they never choose.

Men's dishonesty is not women's fault.

1st rule of misogyny= women are responsible for what men do.

Omg what an absolute pack of BS
His ex used to make him wear womens clothes? And he kept them?
He was too scared to give you hold ups?

He is an absolute liar and gaslighter. I'm so sorry

Of course he's apologetic and sad; he doesn't want his marriage to end either. He wants to do the bare minimum to appease you so that he can go back to what he had before when you didn't know he was crossdressing. I'm sorry but it sounds like your marriage is over.

If you were paranoid?

By all means share your experience. But don’t insist that your experience is the only possible outcome for this kind of scenario.
The OP could benefit from your experience, but the OP could also benefit from hearing that not all men who wear knickers for a wank end up living as women.

Shame on you for not having the imagination to see that not every man who indulges in a kink is an abuser. In my experience. Which is as valid as yours.

Indeed, not all men who "wear knickers for a wank" end up living as women, particularly historically, but nowadays they are virtually incentivised to do so, so women need to be aware of this as a distinct possibility.

Additionally it is a misogynistic kink that often clusters with other types of abuse- unfortunately the OP is currently seeing this in the lies and gaslighting she is experiencing.

We make no apologies for being on the side of women in this.

I'm am sorry that these threads always seem to end up with people arguing around the issue rather than focussing on the OP. It's the only type of betrayal where this is the case.

In that moment he should have probably realised he needed to seek help. Instead he’s spent all this time living out his fetishes in secret, refusing to get therapy and still lying to his wife when confronted.

We all have boundaries of what we will or won’t tolerate in a relationship and if these are made clear then we know that if we overstep those boundaries we forfeit the relationship. He knows and is lying because he’s happy continuing his secret life on the side.

I just hope you don't want him to attend counselling because he's a cross dresser, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a cross dresser. It's YOU who has a problem with his kink, not him.

Why be so horrible to the OP?
I imagine she wants counselling to try to dig through why her husband isn't honest with her.
She has done nothing wrong. She made an off the cuff comment, years ago, about not wanting a cross dressing partner. He could have chosen to talk about his kink then. He didn't.
She's talked about AGP many times since. He could have chosen to talk to her. He didn't.
Then she asked him directly about what he found and he's lied and gaslit her.

A relationship where one partner is lying and not being open (about anything!) is not healthy. She only has 3 choices: leave, get counselling to decide whether to leave, stay knowing he lies.

Fwiw op I did option 3 for 5 years and it wasn't worth it because predictably my ex didn't keep to his side of our agreement the first time I found out and I felt I couldn't leave over his minor boundary breaches. Obviously behind the scenes he was still doing the thing but better at hiding it.

When the end came it was much more messy than if I'd had the strength to leave the first time. And what killed it for me was the lying, not the activity itself.

I just hope you don't want him to attend counselling because he's a cross dresser, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a cross dresser. It's YOU who has a problem with his kink, not him.

There is something wrong with fetishising women's oppression.

There's a lot of attempts to minimise the importance of the OPs boundaries on this thread.

I thought I was done with this thread days ago, but when I see comments like this I honestly cannot help but reply.

I imagine she wants counselling to try to dig through why her husband isn't honest with her.

Her husband isn’t being honest with her about this 1 small aspect of his life, which he is carrying out in total secret, for his own pleasure, because SHE TOLD HIM not to tell her. Do yourself a favour and read the original post, she didn’t tell him she “didn’t want a cross dressing partner”. She specifically told him: “I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me”. Those were the exact words in the OP. And now you’re wondering why he isn’t being honest with her, after she specifically told him not to tell her that.

He could have chosen to talk about his kink then. He didn't.

Believe it or not, people’s interests both sexually and otherwise, change throughout their lives. 10 years ago I hated pepperoni pizza, now I love pepperoni pizza. 5 years ago I was interested in things in the bedroom which I’m not interested in now, and vice versa. In your typical relationship this isn’t an issue, I can just say to my DH “I wasn’t into x before, but I’ve since seen this somewhere, I want to try it”, and we would have an open and honest discussion about it, no worries. But if my DH had said to me 5 years ago, “I hate people who do x, I’ll never be okay with it don’t tell me”, do you think I’d have that same open and honest communication if I developed an interest in it down the line? Obviously not.

He could have chosen to talk to her. He didn't.
Then she asked him directly about what he found and he's lied and gaslit her.

He could have, and he probably would have wanted to. But read the above. If someone tells you specifically NEVER to tell them something, you wouldn’t tell them. And as the person who specifically made that demand, you don’t get to be annoyed down the line when your partner doesn’t tell you exactly what you told them not to tell you.

Her husband isn’t being honest with her about this 1 small aspect of his life,

No this is really not how it works. It's highly likely there's more. Stop trying to minimise it. The OP is entitled to feel how she feels.

@TinselAngel You need to get some perspective. You are trying to maximise it.

She can feel how she feels, yes. Read back over my posts, I’ve never disputed that, if this doesn’t interest her/if this means she doesn’t want to be with him then that’s fine. Leave him.

But wondering why he isn’t telling her something, that she told him not to tell her, is madness.

Her reaction to this is her own, and she’s entitled to it, but neither she or anybody else here has the right to place any shame on his PRIVATE SEXUAL INTERESTS which harm nobody, or those of anybody else.

Do you update your partner every time you masturbate? Do you expect your partner to tell you every time they watch porn, exactly what the content of that video was?

It’s a private sexual interest, which she told him not to tell her about. It’s not “highly likely” there’s more, millions of people around the world do things in private for their pleasure, take a deep breath and get some perspective.

I've spoken to him yesterday about what I said ("if you're into that, don't tell me") and even he completely understands that I meant that I don't want him to be into it even secretly, as it is a big problem for me.

So go ahead and argue that it's all my fault for telling him to keep it secret. But he knew what I meant and has understood all this time how I feel.

Respectfully @Sadface231 you don’t get to dictate what anybody else is interested in privately. You telling him that doesn’t stop him being interested in it, all it did was shut down any chance of open and honest communication on the topic.

If it’s this big problem for you then that’s fine, you’re entitled to walk away from anything and anybody that you want to. You can FEEL any way about it that you want to, but you cannot dictate someone’s private interests, or make them feel any shame for something they choose to do privately in the comfort of their own homes which harms nobody.

It's not your fault.