Secretly cross dressing husband

[Sadface231]

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

You don't have to accept it- if it's a deal breaker or a total turnoff then it is- doesn't matter how much others say it's 'harmless'- the idea we all have to be fine with and accepting of kinks of any kind is simply batshit crazy.

And I have said many times in this discussion that I don't think their relationship is healthy and she should end the relationship.

I think life is more grey and nuanced then you make it out to be though and I think many people would lie instinctively as self protection if caught in this situation. Doesn't make it right to lie but its an understandable lie considering the shame involved and the likelihood of relationship collapse.

@Dolores87
The bizarre comment was in a longer comment where the whole thing was minimised and crossdressing was compared to a woman using a vibrator alone. I provided a couple of examples, not an exhaustive list of what was said.

Perhaps one person isn't going to make a poster doubt their feelings as being normal but when there are more people or the thread gets taken over with people trying to shut down what is in fact the general real world response to this then that's where you are more likely to get issues. Subtle comments here and there all trying to minimise and make a person feel like their natural reaction is OTT or wrong.

It's clear that the OP will not accept this kink.. If a conflicted poster who was possibly open to accepting it, but didn't know how to do so, posted then the views would probably be welcome, if not sharing your views are potentially harmful....especially when several add their voices about how it's harmless.

So do you think it's OK for people to lie if they are caught having an affair? Or gambling?

If its not that serious, and just about wanking, why would he lie?

From what op has said, if he'd gone "yes I wear womens clothes to masturbate, I didn't tell you because you said you didn't want to know, I'll make sure I keep my stuff out if your way in future" the whole scenario would be very different.

Exactly, life is nuanced but yet you have said you think this kink is pretty harmless, but the ways that it can cause harm to the partner are wide and varied.

I said I understood why someone would lie in these circumstances I didn't say it was ok or right to lie and even clarified that in my last comment so I am not really sure why you insist on making out I said it was ok to lie. I even said someone above that she said he lies to her about other things too and so should leave.

If you honestly can't work out why someone might feel ashamed about cross dressing enough to lie about it you should probably reread this thread. It is pretty clear alot of people are disgusted by it and also she'd said previously it was a deal breaker. He probably felt shame and probably thought if she knew the truth she'd leave. As I said it doesn't make lying ok. I understand why he initially lied. Understanding and something he ok are too completely different things.

At the start of this thread I said that the trans widows would be along to hijack it with their scary stories and, lo and behold, it’s turned into yet another thread where every man who has ever been turned on by putting on a pair of knickers is being painted as an abuser and an adulterer. And any poster who disagrees with them is told they have an agenda, or they’re a man, or they’re not on the side of women.
I’m not any of those things. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to accept that we all feel differently about these kinks, and that for some of us it isn’t repellant or shameful.
It’s possible to hold a different viewpoint without betraying women. The trans widows do not speak for all women.

I said it was pretty harmless him engaging with it on his own in private which I stand by. It is. If he was trying to encourage her to join in with it and she was repulsed by the idea then that would be different and that is where the nuance to me is.

This is just a blatant lie.

No one at all has said that every man who is a cross dresser is an abuser or and an adulterer.

What has been said is that it is a kink that might well, reasonably, turn some women off. Especially in a marriage where the husband has hidden it.

Read the thread again. There’s no room for doubt according to some of the posters.

I have been involved in this thread. No one has said what you are implying they have said, if they feel that it is from their own perspective and is therefore valid.

What has come across clearly in this thread is the people who are saying that women should ignore their feelings about this and the shaming women into accepting kinks.

Read the thread. Read it again.

You say you’re best friends but best friends don’t lie like this.
You can still be good friends as exes. I hope he’s grateful at least for the years you supported him.

Yep.

It's not supportive to tell women seeking help that the problem is with them for not accepting a "harmless fetish". I'm not sure what you want out of your posts but they aren't helping op, which is the point of the thread.

What saddens me is that although such as the ku klux klan have diminished and you no longer hear of lynching’s, the internet is awash with social media lynching gangs. Do I detect that spirit here? Jumping on folk with views different from others cherished view of how the world should be?
At one stage homosexuality was seen as a deviant paraphilia. Suggest that now and the lynch mob will be out in force.

As to paraphilias in simple terms cross dressing covers a multitude of situations. Most indulgers are heterosexual;
There are those who dress socially – they enjoy wearing women’s clothing but not as a fetish. They have no desire to change sex. Perhaps, I suspect they may be an element of a thrill being seen to cross what was a forbidden boundary.
There are those who do it as a sexual fetish. They are heterosexual. They get aroused by certain female garments – for them to be aroused by male garments would be akin to being gay. They have no desire to change sex. A good number are in successful marriages. For that group it does not lead on to anything else. It takes an understanding partner to cope with that.

Then there are those with gender dysphoria who feel they have been born in the wrong body both men and women. Many cope with just dressing in clothes identified as belonging to the other sex. Others go for reassignment surgery.
There are those who are gay or lesbian. Many lesbians dress as men. Some gay folk enjoy flamboyant clothes – frilly knickers and such!

As to the question of advice, I would always counsel a couple to think hard and long about breaking up the family home if children are involved. Ultimately they pay the price. When interviewed children prefer rowing parents to seeing a home broken up. So long as the rows are not violent.

What has the guy done wrong? The crime as I see it, is in keeping a secret, and the lies, not good for a healthy relationship. Then there is the issue of your sexual relationship.
Of course there still is a sense of shame in such practices and it is not always easy for such folk to be open – due to the severe judgemental attitudes as displayed in some of the replies. Due to that such men find it hard to talk about it.

You need to have a long and hard talk together about the way ahead and see if there is any ground for compromise. You need your husband to be honest about his cross dressing – is it a sexual fetish? Is it more than that - ask him outright is he gay or bisexual? If his fetish involves others then that is a betrayal, and for many a cause to bring a marriage to its end.
Does he want to change gender?
As part of that discussion has his fetish robbed you of a sex life together? That needs addressing.

I fully understand that many women would be repulsed by such a fetish. They may view it as the other woman. Yet at the same time how many men behind their wives’ backs view porn and get themselves off on that?

In summary – I would not use the language of confrontation (i.e. confront him) but ask if you can talk together both talking and listening. Share your honest feelings. Get him to share his.

So you tell a poster that life is more nuanced than they make out but in your opinion this is very black and white and there's a clear line.....doing it by himself is pretty harmless, encouraging her to get involved is the point where it is an issue.......so you're not accepting the nuances at all or the fact that this can very much cause harm when a partner finds out.

Fuck me. We're like the Ku Klux Klan now, I've heard it all.

Hyperbole much?

Some people really do like to feel as if they're oppressed ...🤔

There a hell of a lot to parse in DeeVee's post. I'll think over whether it's
A- of use to the OP that I do so
B- worth my energy

What actual harm is being caused by him privately wanking in hold ups? That are actually caused by that act and not contributing factors like getting the ick and no longer being able to sexually connect with someone, or stigma or lying etc?

Much of life has nuance. I think lies often have nuance. I think someone having a fetish does for the reasons I said about inflicting on people who don't want it inflicted on them. But I don't think every single aspect of life is nuances. I just don't think the actual act of someone getting turned on and getting themselves off wearing women's clothing in private is all that nuanced in terms of harm caused directly by it. Honestly I really think it's such a non issue and definitely not something worth destroying a childs family over. I don't think there is anything wrong even in the slightest with cross dressing in private.

But I respect that the OP gets a big ick from it and that on this particular situation there are complicating factors such as the lying, the sense of betrayal due to her saying it was a deal breaker, the fact she said he lies about other things and gets angry. It is those factors that make the situation nuanced and that mean I think she should probably leave... not the actual cross dressing.

No harm if you want to leave the ick or ability to sexually connect etc out of it, which isn't actually possible. They are the consequences and they are major ones.

Someone mentioned earlier about how it was like a woman using a vibrator, which it isn't at all, because most men find that sexy.

But imagine a man discovered his wife like to dress up as a man, put on a fake beard and a strap on and lie on the bed simulating having a wank.......most men are not going to find that one bit sexy, they're likely to find it to be a major turn off, it's likely to freak them out and make them feel weird about sex with her and so on.

If he never finds out and he's not suspicious about her having some kind of secret then there are no consequences, but if does then there are consequences and the act can't be separated from those.

You could say the same about lots of things, no direct harm comes from the act, harm only comes from finding out.

So you think much of life has nuances but not every single bit of life.... ie crossdressing....that's convenient for your argument 😅

Sexuality and intimate connection with partners is probably one of the most nuanced things out there. It's affected by the people themselves, the dynamic within the relationship, trust in the relationship, past experiences, past trauma, how connected a person is to their femininity/masculinity, personality, kinks, fetishes, hormones....

For the one with the kink, crossdressing is of course nuanced.

And for the partner who doesn't have the kink it can affect them psychologically due to some or all of the above or for different reasons.....ie. full of nuances depending on the individual.

Fuck me. We're like the Ku Klux Klan now, I've heard it all.

Course you are. Women not wanting to be with men who get aroused by fetishising their subordination?

Violent lynchers, the lot of you.

God knows why you're not empowered and validated by a misogynistic fetish.

You're probably malfunctioning. I'd suggest a spanner, but I suspect you've had enough of those.

What saddens me is that although such as the ku klux klan have diminished and you no longer hear of lynching’s, the internet is awash with social media lynching gangs. Do I detect that spirit here? Jumping on folk with views different from others cherished view of how the world should be?

I see you don't mention the crowd who try to push the agenda that women should all be ok with things like this and if not then they're wrong.

If you see a 'lynch mob' or the ku klux klan' (quite the reach) then maybe ask yourself what they are responding to.

Previously women were free to share their opinions on this without being bullied for it and accused of 'kink shaming' or judgemental or this, that and the other.

It was as simple as saying "this would be a huge turn off for me too". That was it. The women didn't have to explain why it was a turn off, they weren't lectured etc.

Women should not need permission to express their feelings. Some of the people on this thread need to read what is being expressed.

Trans Widows have experience of when some small fetish destroys the relationship when the man believes his desires are more important. Reading their stories and those of their children can be shocking.

Sadface231 the best of luck. Your feelings are important.

I am not leaving the ick etc out of it. What I am saying is that that is a separate thing, that is valid if it exists but isn't the fault of the person who is cross dressing. The harm hasn't been caused by them if someone else has an ick about it.

Your example of a women dressing as a man. I find being bothered about that equally as ridiculous. I don't think it needs to be kept as a secret and shouldn't have to be. If it's not your thing and your partner isn't trying to involve you in it and they are not involving other people / it doesn't involve anyone else, it's just them in their room alone away from you, why does it matter? If it does matter to you it is definitely not their fault because they are not really doing anything wrong.
Since when is it only morally acceptable to masturbate alone in a way out partner who isn't there and isn't involved would find sexy?

Affect someone psychologically? I mean sure but again that's not the fault of the cross dresser.

If someone gets a big ick about something that isn't actually hurting anyone other then their own psychology because of their feeling of ick, then that's the problem of the person with the ick, not something the other person has to make right or correct about themselves. And perhaps that ick is so strong the person wants to end the relationship, and if so that's fair enough they should leave, but there is a lot of talk in this thread as if the person cross dressing is in the wrong for liking cross dressing - he has been compared to an adulter, and no I don't think that is where the nuance is. It's a nuanced situation because of someone else's feelings, not that he has done anything wrong by liking women's clothes.

And by "that's the problem of the person with the ick" I don't see that as it meaning it's her fault. It's noones fault as noone is really doing anything wrong both by having a fetish that doesn't involve other people or by getting the ick about something. It's just a thing. No one is a bad person. It's just how it is