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Original poster

Secretly cross dressing husband

371 replies

Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 06:21

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 15/09/2023 06:30

Sorry OP I personally would find that repulsive.
You need to sit down and speak with him. Tell him what you have found and see what he says.

Summerslimtime · 15/09/2023 06:32

I wouldn't be into it either, and it's probably the tip of the iceberg really. You have to talk to him.

Tanfastic · 15/09/2023 06:40

I have every admiration for the women who are happy to go along with this in a marriage but it definitely wouldn't be for me.

I feel for you though because you say that every other part of your marriage appears to be great.

I can't help but feel a tad suspicious about the gay porn comment though. Sorry op.

pinkdelight · 15/09/2023 07:06

as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out.

I think the stepdad was onto something. The dressing up is likely the tip of the iceberg. Sorry. I don't know how you keep this to yourself and DH probably doesn't want to keep it secret either in the long run. Give yourself some time to get over the shock and maybe see a counsellor yourself to work through your feelings and what you want to do.

Original poster
Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 07:07

I feel like as soon as I bring it up, everything will crash down and ruin my kids' lives.

Funnily enough with the gay porn... he told me that in his 20s he kissed a man in a club just to see if he might like it. He said he didn't. I mentioned it once quite a while later like "that time you got off with a boy to see if you were gay" and he seemed surprised he had told me... then I realised he was thinking of a separate time when he was younger. So at least twice he's given that a go.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 15/09/2023 07:15

Before you do anything, OP, get your financial ducks in a row. If you look at the trans widows threads on here you'll see that men like this often escalate to claiming to be trans and then they start spending the family money on their fetish. Get yourself organised, know what you'll do to support yourself, get your own bank account and make sure he can't access money for mortgage etc. See a solicitor. All before you confront him.

Because once you bring this out into the open, the headfuckery is going to start, and the financial exploitation.

Original poster
Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 07:29

I'm quite into the Feminism board on here and have talked to him a lot about AGP men and how awful I find it. He always agrees. I suspect maybe that I made him want to do it more by making it so taboo? I wouldhopehe would keep it as a private fetish and not bring it out into public.

Financially I am OK i think. I'm putting more thought into it now.

OP posts:
Ostryga · 15/09/2023 07:31

You haven’t made him do anything, don’t go down with that mindset.

I also think the stepdad was on to something. Badly hiding gay porn? Yeah right.

I would be planning to leave op. It’s a lot of lying and going behind your back. It’s good that you’re financially secure. Can you start making a plan?

Original poster
Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 07:39

It is just so sad and I feel such a failure as I already got divorced once. I am bothered about what people would think, as much as I would try not to. We finally have enough money after years of me supporting him, he has a great job now. He is mentally stable now but has not been in the past and I worry he would have a (another) breakdown if he doesn't have me.

So basically choosing my kids and his happiness over mine.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 15/09/2023 07:41

It sounds like there’s been an implied don’t ask don’t tell policy in your marriage and your H has decided to ‘come out’ by bread crumbing. I appreciate that him being out, even if it’s only to you, is very scary but you can’t go back.

loislovesstewie · 15/09/2023 07:42

Yes, get your ducks in a row, then tell him what you found. Don't listen to his pathetic explanations either, because they will be ludicrous. I also think he is gaslighting you, with his previous comments. I could never live with a man who cross dressed , I'm of the opinion that it would inevitably lead onto other even more repulsive things. As for your children, they won't be happy if he starts to dress when they are around , or if he displays other behaviours that are worrying.

Superlambaanana · 15/09/2023 07:44

Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 07:39

It is just so sad and I feel such a failure as I already got divorced once. I am bothered about what people would think, as much as I would try not to. We finally have enough money after years of me supporting him, he has a great job now. He is mentally stable now but has not been in the past and I worry he would have a (another) breakdown if he doesn't have me.

So basically choosing my kids and his happiness over mine.

We always worry about what people might think. Don't. We're wrong in assuming others have time to think a lot about us - they have their own shit going on. And anyone who judges someone else isn't worth worrying about anyway! So sorry you're going through this.

loislovesstewie · 15/09/2023 07:46

BTW, you are not a failure. You aren't responsible for others and their kinks.

Beamur · 15/09/2023 07:54

It looks like you are coming to a point where the elephant in the room will have to be addressed.
He is wanting you to find out. It probably is going to escalate.
You will find a lot of support for you on the feminism boards from women who have also experienced this.
Don't put your own happiness last in your priorities.

MMmomDD · 15/09/2023 07:59

This is all strange. You told him not to tell you if he were into something. This is what is is doing.
Why snoop and continue to look for evidence.

How is your marriage otherwise? And more specifically the physical side until this?

Private fetish can be just that - private. Unfortunately - you are now faced with needing to discuss it.

Original poster
Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 08:13

I know, that's why I feel bad as I said never to tell me! But I guess I really meant never have this fetish! My snooping, I don't know, I think I would rather know the truth now I know some of it. And the hold ups are under literally one thing in his bedside drawer.

I'm going away this weekend so will see if things have been touched in my absence (yes, snooping again). The hold ups are in the box looking unused at present.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 08:14

He seems happy with our sex life. I'm not and try to avoid.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 15/09/2023 08:20

Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 07:39

It is just so sad and I feel such a failure as I already got divorced once. I am bothered about what people would think, as much as I would try not to. We finally have enough money after years of me supporting him, he has a great job now. He is mentally stable now but has not been in the past and I worry he would have a (another) breakdown if he doesn't have me.

So basically choosing my kids and his happiness over mine.

Walking away from a marriage that makes you unhappy is the opposite of failing

your kids won’t be happy if you’re not happy. Teach them how to stand up for themselves.

as for his happiness, why is that more important than yours? Yours not obliged to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/09/2023 08:27

Oh OP, your latest post is in some ways the most significant. Did your dislike of sex with DH start around the time you found the first clues? Or has it always been a bit meh? ‘Trying to avoid’ is not a good place to be.

Have you always had an inkling? I can’t imagine telling my DH not to tell me if he had a kink like this, because it wouldn’t occur to me that he had ( though I suppose we may just be nicely dull).

And why are you the ‘failure’ for having been divorced? Were you previously married to a shining saint who loved and cherished you, who gave you a great life, and you woke up one morning and thought, ‘ o I’m bored with this, I’ll get a divorce? From what you have written, it seems unlikely.

Now you seem to believe that somehow your husband’s sexual preferences are somehow your responsibility to glide over so that he and ( maybe) your children can be ‘happy’. Well, you have a right to happiness too, and if living with a man who has sexual practices you find off putting makes you unhappy, you have the right to change your situation .

I wish you well.

Original poster
Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 09:01

Thank you. My previous husband was emotionally abusive, lots of coercive control. I had counselling for this and while there I realised my current husband could be the same. I feel so stupid.

I didn't have an inkling at all, I only said the initial comment as a joke really!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 15/09/2023 09:04

It might be more than dressing up, you might need an STD check.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/09/2023 09:13

Maybe I am a bit of an odd one out, but I don’t really see the big drama here?

I could see the issue if this was something he was pushing on you, doing out in the open among the family/friends, but from what you’ve said that doesn’t seem to be the case? This is just something he is doing in private, perhaps it makes him feel good about himself, and it’s not hurting anyone, so what’s the huge issue? If a man posted on here about finding their wifes vibrator and being REPULSED by it, the reactions would be very different when actually it’s just the same, it’s something being done in private, not harming anyone!

You asked him not to tell you if he ever had an interest in this, and he’s done exactly what you asked and kept it to himself. You’re the one that’s went snooping and are now upset with what you’ve found, so again I’m struggling to see what he has actually done wrong here? As people we’re allowed to try different things and explore our interests, that’s all he’s doing and it’s not harming anyone.

If you are “repulsed” by it, that’s YOUR reaction, and you’re entitled to it just like he (and everyone else) is entitled to do what makes them happy. But what you can’t do is blame him or make him feel any shame for doing what he is. Is it something I would engage in personally myself? No. But would I ever shame someone for doing it? Also no.

Seaoftroubles · 15/09/2023 09:18

Protect yourself and your health OP. I would also recommend getting an STD check in case there's more to it than just dressing up.

MMmomDD · 15/09/2023 09:41

Look - you dont need all these investigations and surveillance.
If you aren’t happy - and don’t want to have sex with him - divorce.

Your reaction is all yours. He isn’t really doing anything wrong. He is following your explicitly expressed preference.
Not pushing it on you.
Not living it in the living room, etc.

Nothing good will come out of making this into a big argument

Usernamaste · 15/09/2023 09:52

I’ve seen similar threads in the past and they often get hijacked by trans widows who insist that every man who has a fetish for lingerie will escalate their behaviour and end up living as a woman.
This isn’t the case in my experience. I’ve had a couple of relationships where my partners have cross-dressed. Like you, I found it upsetting when I discovered it, and both of the relationships ended eventually for other reasons.
However, neither of those men are now living as women. I imagine they’re both still getting a little kick out of wearing lacy knickers though. And there are plenty of women who would happily indulge this as part of their sex lifewith their partner.

You don’t have to be happy with it, or want it in your marriage, but please don’t listen to the scare tactics of the trans widows. In all likelihood your husband will continue to do his own private dressing up without any escalation.
Personally I think we have to allow our partners to have their own private fantasies, as long as we are not coerced into doing anything that makes us uncomfortable.

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