Secretly cross dressing husband

[Sadface231]

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

What's the conversation about? Why have one at all? If it's a deal breaker for you suddenly now after all these years what do you expect to happen? He stops doing it which you never see anyway. How would you even be sure? He won't stop enjoying it just because you tell him he can't do it. You aren't the thought police he will still think about it and probably hundreds of other things you also don't like and can't control. It's not like he didn't tell you. He did you said don't do it near me like it was smoking or something.

I personally have absolutely no issue with people doing whatever they like but even if he offers to change, how can he? It's who he is. He can't change it.

So you have made your mind up. You're throwing away an otherwise good marriage because he wears certain clothes in private.

Check the website 'fabguys' to make sure your husband is not on it and actively pursuing activity with other men too. If you need help, message me.
I've just left a marriage where this was happening - he was actively sleeping with other crossdressers and using fabguys to meet them.

Can't remember where I read it now, but it doesn't seem unusual that if a man has one fetish, he probably has another or is unusual sexually in other ways as well.

Your husband might not be gay OP. The gay porn and the kiss might have been genuine attempts to understand himself, to understand why he isn't sexually attracted to women the same way other men are. He was probably trying to figure it all out. If a man is very attracted to boobs and vulvas.....then those are things that only women have (with the exception of moobs but that's different). But, if he's attracted to feet then, both sexes have those and that might have been really confusing for him when he was growing up especially.

He might have a variety of fetish or AGP tendencies which is about humiliation.Has he ever asked you to dominate him or call him names?

If your husband has a true fetish, then his main sexual relationship will not be with you, it will be with whatever his fetish is. You are simply a side-show for the main object of his desires. Did he ever seem genuinely sexually attracted to your female body, your curves, your breasts and your hips? Did he ever seem enthusiastic about oral sex?

The monstering of abused women on this thread is absolutely disgusting to see.

Of course women who have been in the OP's situation have things to say about it. If you frequent the relationships board, you will know it's normal for women who have escaped abusive relationships to point out the red flags and causes for concern in other women's posts.

The fact that people feel emboldened to come on here and call trans widows hysterical and scary and nasty and whatever other names in an attempt to discredit their testimony - which may be very useful to the OP - is absolutely shocking and really says a lot about the way some posters think about women and relationships.

My ex husband came out as a cross dresser. I had no idea for 24 years. We have now been divorced for 7 years. To this day, he repulses me and it has affected me deeply.

Please, please don’t stay in an unhappy marriage for DC’s sake, because growing up in an unhappy home damages children terribly.

He's always been honest up front about the nature of his sex life

@UnexpectedCircumstances I'm imagining he gets a thrill out of talking about it. I've known one or two people like that.

As to people saying OP's husband isn't hurting anyone- no but a lot of things people (well, men) do sexually can skeeve you out, can't they? Like, using anal toys on themselves.

What about women who enjoy using anal toys on themselves? Are you equally disgusted by gay men who have gay sex? Do they 'skeeve you out'? What nasty homophobic views.

Has he ever asked you to dominate him or call him names?

Yep, thinking about it, worshipping someone's feet is usually a submissive thing too. Unless he likes OP worshipping his.

If you discover that your partner does something sexually in their spare time that makes you feel disgust - whether that’s cross-dressing or wanking over smelly second-hand shoes from the charity shop or sticking frozen bananas up his arse or whatever - there’s not really much you can do about it. You may know he’s totally within his rights to meet his own sexual needs ethically and consensually - but you can’t make yourself find it sexy, and you certainly can’t unsee it, or undo whatever changes it brings about in your desire for sex with him.

I mean, come on. Everyone has things that turn them on and things that turn them off. Where is the line beyond which women are no longer allowed to be turned off by something? Seems like it’s fine to get the ick because of a man’s pleated chinos, but if his stockings give you the ick you’re a hateful transphobe.

Imagine anyone telling a man he’s a narrow minded bigot because he was shocked and repulsed by the discovery that his wife likes to have a wank while wearing a fake beard and those little suspenders around her shins that old men use to hold their socks up.

It's not like he didn't tell you. He did

No.

even if he offers to change, how can he? It's who he is. He can't change it.

I have a lot of things I used to like sexually that I don't currently do by choice. BDSM of many kinds, for instance, including a degree of the lifestyle (not just in bed.)

He doesn't have to dress as a woman, presumably he can just stop it.

He's not exclusively only able to come by wearing women's clothes, so he doesn't need to do it.

What about women who enjoy using anal toys on themselves? Are you equally disgusted by gay men who have gay sex? Do they 'skeeve you out'? What nasty homophobic views.

That's not really the same as a man sticking an anal toy up their bum.

I just don't personally like the thought. All I was saying is I can empathise with OP having things men do in private that they don't like the idea of.

I'm sure there are things you don't like the thought of.

He can't change it even if he stops. He will always enjoy it is my point. An alcoholic can stop drinking but they are still an alcoholic. Do you understand? Making him stop the behaviour doesn't change what he is interested in, he is still the same man with the same fetish.

There are indeed lots of things I don't like the thought of. One of them is the bigoted opinions of homophobic women blurring their spiel all over the internet. Keep your nasty homophobic thoughts to yourself.

He can't change it even if he stops. He will always enjoy it is my point. An alcoholic can stop drinking but they are still an alcoholic. Do you understand? Making him stop the behaviour doesn't change what he is interested in, he is still the same man with the same fetish.

If he honestly gave it up, OP wouldn't have the gross-out factor of him doing it, because he wouldn't be doing it.

I mean, I used to be into XYZ, I hope any future potential partner wouldn't hold it against me as I no longer do it.

I get that she might still find the idea that he's theoretically still into that a turn off though.

It's not homophobic to happen to not like the idea of straight men using anal toys on themselves.

I get that these straight men get pleasure from it, it's just one of those things I find a bit eww. Nothing to do with gay men at all.

ANYWAY OP, I really wouldn't worry about it "looking bad" that you'd had two divorces. Lots of people have had multiple divorces or splits. Rupert Murdoch lol. My dear late mother. Sometimes people just get a bit unlucky is all.

As for the rest, I can only say I feel for you.

I think the problem is you being very unreasonable.

You asked him not to tell you if he was into cross dressing so he hasn't.
He hasn't tried to force this on you. He hasn't told you about it. He hasn't asked you to have sex with him in cross dress or include you in anyway in his cross dressing.

So like maybe leave him alone? He's not hurting anyone.

If you honestly feel like you are repulsed by your husband and can't have sex with him that's really up to and you should leave him for his sake because he deserves to be with someone who isn't repulsed by him having a harmless fetish he does in private that he isnt including you in because he is respecting your boundary about not telling you about it.

Exactly. I’m bemused by pp saying that it shouldn’t matter what the OP’s husband does in private. If I found out my husband was cross dressing, I know I’d get the immediate ick, I couldn’t help it, it would be a massive turn off. I don’t see that feeling this way is invalid and it feels very dismissive of some pp to say it isn’t important.

This in spades. She literally told her husband when they got married: "If you're into cross dressing please never tell me as I wouldn't be OK with it". He respected that. Where's the deceiving part? And no, I personally would not be OK with my partner being a cross dresser so I would like to know before marrying a guy because it would be a deal breaker, other fetishes I'm totally fine with, but not cross dressing. I would never tell my future partner "please don't tell me about your sexual fetishes because I don't want too know", that's setting you up for many "uncomfortable surprises" down the marriage.

I would never tell my future partner "please don't tell me about your sexual fetishes because I don't want too know",

I assume that isn't actually what OP meant. She merely meant that she finds the thought of a man cross dressing gross. She wasn't saying that it's ok as long as he keeps quiet about it. 'Please don't tell me or I'll never want to shag you again.' I see it as being said in a slightly humourous way.

Of course the undertone is that she loved this guy at the time. So I can imagine a woman just saying 'please don't tell me' rather than 'don't do that or I'll have to dump you,' because she loved him and wanted to be with him for life.

please never tell me as I wouldn't be OK with it

I.e. if I find out you're doing that then it's potentially over.

It's not that she wouldn't be ok with being told, it's that she wouldn't be ok with him doing it, so he'd better not say anything if he's going to do it.

i can understand your perspectives, but your dh did as you originally requested and he hid the fetish, you were 007, so then how do you progress from here ?

Hmm. Using a vibrator is very different to cross dressing. A vibrator provides sexual stimulation, cross dressing doesn't.
Unfortunately those of us who have been in relationships with cross dressers have experienced other sexual coercion as a result. We share so people like op can start to make sense of their experience and know they aren't alone.

@porridgeisbae It's not that she wouldn't be ok with being told, it's that she wouldn't be ok with him doing it, so he'd better not say anything if he's going to do it.

And that's what he did, he never said anything.

@AdamRyan Hmm. Using a vibrator is very different to cross dressing. A vibrator provides sexual stimulation, cross dressing doesn't.

Cross dressing produces enormous amount of sexual stimulation, the cross dresser get's massively turned on by wearing women's clothes.

You are clearly a man
Vibratory provide mechanical stimulation to a clitoris helping women get off.
Cross dressing is psychological stimulation. They are not equivalent