Secretly cross dressing husband

[Sadface231]

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

@beatrix1234 my DH once said, ‘if you’re going to wear those god awful fleecy reindeer pyjamas, do it when I’m not around.’ It was a lighthearted comment, made in the assumption that I found the pyjamas as unsexy as he did.

But if those pyjamas had been a very important part of my sexual identity, that might have been the moment for me to say, actually, I find these pyjamas powerfully erotic, and while I understand if you don’t want to incorporate them into our lovemaking, I cannot be without them or an important part of my self and sexuality will go unexpressed. If this is likely to cause issues for us, maybe we need to talk about it.’

Yes, that would have taken courage. But it would have been a deliberate misconstrual to take what he said at absolute face value and think, OK, anything I do, alone or with others, on the internet or with shared bank accounts, that involves my sexy fleecy jim
jams, will be on the downlow and that is totally fine because my partner has very clearly said he doesn’t want to know.

The cross dressing wouldn't bother me, the fibbing would. He didnt hide his clothes, if he did he would have found a better place to hide them. He wanted you to find them.

I think he is gay..my ex... did EXACTLY the same thing..said he had planted gay porn mags in his own room because his mum snooped in there and asked if he was gay when teenager. What really happened, was thats his cover story for parents finding gay porn. So if its ever brought up with parents around he can say 'i did that on purpose to put you off looking'

I think you have a cross dressing gay husband. Its not fair on you. Never waste your pretties and youth on men who aren't worth it. X

I do think he’s certainly bisexuaL or potentially gay. Don’t know if you could see what kind of porn he accessed or if he’s uploading pics of himself to crossdressing sites.
I don’t think I’d be able to handle crossdressing but as others have said the worst part is the secrecy. Plus it’s not just that fetish he has others like the foot fetish which tbh are just weird. Although sadly I think lots of men have weird kinks. I get the reason he hides it but the fact he’s not even hidden it that well shows he maybe wants you to find it and have this all finally out in the open.

id just get yourself sorted so that if you want to confront him you feel prepared to walk. But from what you’ve said understandably the sex side of your relationship is dead. So unless you want to continue as a friendship maybe it’s time to leave.

so sorry though what an awful situation to be in and the sad thing is I’m sure there’s many other women out there who don’t know about things like this going on in their relationship!

And the reason I say about checking his porn or internet history is mainly if he’s acting out these kinks with others or seeking out gay relationships. There could be a lot more to this than stockings and suspenders.

I don't know the OP's husband but maybe his cross dressing was something unimportant (just as your fleecy reindeer pyjamas lol!) when they got married, maybe he didn't see it as a very important part of his sexual identity at the time, most probably he really loved the OP and that was bigger than his little hobbie, a hobby that eventually became a big part of his sexual identity as he grew older. When I was young I tried a few sexual things "here and there", I experimented with stuff, but it took me many years to find my real sexual identity.

tomato, tomarto so to speak comes to mind

Very disingenuous.

Women using vibrators generally isn't a turn off for male partners. It's normally a turn on. And if it does cause issues that tends to be because the man is jealous of the toys and wants his partner to turn to him instead.

Crossdressing generally is a massive turn off. It can ruin a couples sex life from the second the partner finds out. It throws up a lot of valid questions about if the fetish goes further than crossdressing, and it's often relationship ending in itself.

You're repulsed by him. It will only get worse. Get your ducks in a row and get out

I don't think it is fair to either of you to continue with your marriage. He is hiding who he is and you are repulsed by who he is.

Just leave if you want OP.

As for the discussion. Don't know how a straight man using anal toys on himself is any different to a straight or gay woman doing so, or a gay man doing so. Lesbians don't like men, but they can use strap-ons, doesn't make them straight, so a straight man using anal toys doesn't make him gay. It's just for pleasure. If you don't like the idea, you don't like the idea, but how can sexuality possibly make a difference it's a bit odd.

I know of a man in his 60s whose wife (for over 30 years) finally found his cross dressing clothes.

He's now a trans woman.

It can be hidden for a very long time.....

Funnily enough my friends and I chatted about men secretly wearing women’s clothes (and other linked fetishes) last night. The consensus was ick and separate. However I’m sure some women would be ok with it, with the majority finding it deeply repulsive. Either way every woman is entitled to her own personal reaction, just as Everyman is entitled to cross dress if they want.

Very interesting debate. Thank you to those who understood the way I originally said to him "if you like that, never tell me!" in a humorous way - I never dreamt he actually would like it.

In terms of sex... no he never asked me to dominate him etc and he is very into giving oral sex. But also likes having sex with my feet so...

Once years ago I was on his laptop and in the download folder (I think) there were all these photos of different men, head and shoulder shots. He said he had no idea where they came from and I put it out of my mind (as I've had to do with quite a few things through the years).

I couldn't check anything now as he has a new password on his laptop and phone that I don't know. I looked at his phone lock screen the other night and it said his Secure Folder had been updated. I googled what that was and it's an extra folder for putting apps snd files with yet another password...

He has a few porn mags but they are just hetero sex.

My limited understanding is that if this is about gender rather than a kink for dressing up, that he would be taking whatever little opportunities he could. Caitlin Jenner for example talked about sitting down to wee and wearing socks all the time do they could keep their toe nails painted.

Either way you certainly haven't put the idea in their head!!

My husband sits down to wee and wears socks all the time!

I think if you confront him I’d say that a marriage isn’t about secrets and you can see he has a secure folder on his phone. If he’s not got anything to hide then I’m sure he’ll show you what’s in that secure folder. Sadly I’m pretty sure he won’t or if he actually does it will be things you will be shocked by.

You have done nothing wrong here, he is the one keeping secrets and sexually doing things on the side that are inappropriate when in a relationship

wears socks all the time!

@Sadface231 Oh, interesting. You need to see the toenails.

Have you had anything like some of your make up or clothes be in a slightly different place to where you left it or anything?

@porridgeisbae I haven't noticed clothes or makeup move but I probably wouldn't notice as I'm not a very organised person.

The things he had in the secret stash (now gone or somewhere I can't find) were definitely not mine at least

My ex cross dressed and was not gay at all.
I think he had some kind of sissy fetish tbh but I never found out. He paid for for private webcam sessions with someone called "Mistress Nasty". Spent a lot on it.

Your marriage has been functioning pretty well all these years by the “ignorance is bliss” politics, you can always go
back there. Just as suggestion. What you are never going to be able to do is get this man to stop cross dressing (you can try but he will continue doing it in secret). If you can’t have a difficult conversation with him he’s not “your best friend”.

Also I just reread your op
This Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise is not snooping. You are allowed to look in your bedroom cupboards.
I think either he wants you to find stuff and ask him, or he's so secure that you don't snoop or suspect anything that he's not hiding stuff very well.

Be prepared for your conversation to go along the lines of he wants to wear womens clothes in bed and you made him feel ashamed of his sex life by your earlier comments about not wanting to know/AGP.

I really feel for you. I know pp said you can go back to "ignorance is bliss" but you can't really

What's the relationship like otherwise?

Someone up thread referred to him as 'a cross-dressing foot fetishist', and while this might be true, I'm assuming that's not his entire personality - and it's sad to reduce him to just that. Presumably at some point you loved this guy enough to marry him? You describe him as your "best friend".

I personally find the idea of going from loving your partner to finding them repulsive over some clothing - regardless of if they use it to get off - quite strange. Especially if they are not asking you to participate in any way!

You are entitled to leave a realtionship for any reason at all, but does it really cancel out all of his good qualities / the positives he brings to your life?

Someone up thread referred to him as 'a cross-dressing foot fetishist', and while this might be true, I'm assuming that's not his entire personality

Some men do get really into sex and kink to be fair. But OP would probably know if that's become his 24/7 personality.

it's sad to reduce him to just that. Presumably at some point you loved this guy enough to marry him? You describe him as your "best friend". I personally find the idea of going from loving your partner to finding them repulsive over some clothing - regardless of if they use it to get off - quite strange.

She doesn't say it's put her off his everyday personality or she's stopped loving him (though it might make that feel tarnished and unreal as she knows this stuff is going on, and that she's been lied to.)

She 'just' says it's put her off him physically/sexually.

I was the person who described him that way.I have found that some men start off quite reasonable and then start pushing boundaries and can only reach sexual satisfaction by dressing up/making the woman wear certain clothes or some other kink. It becomes all for them. Sex becomes something that isn't about the woman's enjoyment ; she is there solely to provide pleasure for him.