Which would you choose? Love or the life?

[gregoriahowse]

I have a choice to make.

This isn't a sob story but context: I've had a really tough life. Foster care, never had any money or a decent home, never really felt a sense of belonging because I was always scraping by so I've always felt this desperate need to have a happy and full life that felt out of reach.

I am working overseas right now and found a life I love. As an expat, I was given a house of my own for the first time in my life. I have decent pay and can save money for the first time. My job is satisfying and prestigious so I'm respected in the community. I have lots of friends and a fun social life. The weather has cured my asthma. I finish work at 3pm and can then go sailing or fishing. Its perfect, and not something I ever felt I'd have.

The problem is, before I left, I met someone and we dated for a while and things have progressed even more and we've been visiting each other regularly, and, well. I'm in love. Very in love, and can't see that I'll ever find anyone else like him if I let him pass me by.

The problem is; he can't move here. He owns a business there. He is a single Dad to two older kids. He'd love to join me but it's completely out of the question, so the decision was made really that we need to be together and I'll come home.

I am just struggling with letting my great life go, feeling like home is so comparatively awful and ill be back to an awful job and being poor and tired and the general drudgery that made me want to leave in the first place.

So I have two questions: do I swap the life I love for the man I love

And is it wrong that I'm even thinking this?

Well I've been around the block a few times so might be a bit jaded.

I'd be weighing up - what are the chances of you recreating this wonderful life of yours in the new location, vs meeting a new man you could fall in love with in your current location? (Or just being happy without a man.)

Can you take a sabbatical from work and try going home and being with this man. Being a step mum is no walk in the park believe me!!

Personally your life sounds AMAZING!! So I get why you would question giving it up

Oh honey, you choose the life! No question.

No man who truly loved you would let you give up your current scenario for him anyway.

Besides, relationships don't usually last forever. Even if you go back there and its great for a decade...it'll likely come to an end and you'll spend your older years lamenting the freedoms you have now.

No man is worth your freedom.
Or your health for that matter.

Sorry, but it's a no brainer! So don't give things up for a guy.

Love yourself.

I would choose the life. I know that if I chose the man there would be resentment at every turn when the "so in love" phase wore off and I'd be back to a life that didn't fulfil me.

Well, I'm a fairly jaded person too, and the stuff I just said about being in love probably isn't something I've ever said before. He's irreplaceable. The idea of life without him sounds awful and I'm certain it would be impossible to ever find anyone I feel like this about again.

There's likewise no chance I guess of recreating this nice life in the UK. Maybe I have to be more open to it.

To be honest your question answered my question. I couldn't be happy in any life that wasnt with him. Sorry. Vomit. But true

wow thats a tough choice. how old are the children? could this man not move over when they are grown. i personally wouldnt want to sacrifice that which it sounds like youve more than earned

Yes but he's in your life now right? So why can't it remain as is? Why does it have to be all or nothing?

Continue visiting eachother.
Don't give up what you have.

I think if u need to ask then you know the answer I think . If you wanted to give up the life for him you would know that in a heart beat so I would say no don’t give your life up .

Cross posted with everyone there!

It's a really crap situation because I'm honestly not the type of person who would give anything up for a man. I'm also not young. 41. I recognise what I've found here with this guy.

The thing is though op...it's one thing dating someone, especially long distance ...qnd another thing moving in with them back home. It probably is all sunshine and Roses atm vecayse it's just visits so it's all the fun lovey dovey stuff.

But if you go back...it'll be all the tough days too. The kids. The mortgages. The crap jobs. The ex partners...

Right now you're living the dream. But if you go back...you'll be living the reality.

I wish you well. They are a jaded lot on here. Go with love every time. You have all your strengths and experiences you have built up un your current post. These should stand you in good stead looking for a new role or maybe starting your own business. Very vest of luck.

We've been together for three years now. Eight months of that was before I left (and he's brilliant so completely supported me coming) but we've been living like this a long time, longer than initially discussed, and I think it's unfair to continue like this indefinitely.

He said from when we met he wanted to settle down and he has sacrificed for me really as this is far from his ideal - he just wanted to support my dreams and ambitions but they can't really come at the expense of his own.

His brilliant kids, who sometimes visit with him and we get on like a house on fire, are 15 and 18 so when they leave for university we could move overseas together and we've discussed we'd both like to do that.

I'm also not sure where I live is where you'd live forever. Most expats stay for two or three years and then go home so it's a bit transient. It's just hard.

I feel home here, but also know it can never be home - and simultaneously I feel like home is wherever he is. I've never really had a family i loved before either, and they are that.

Absolutely this! ^

There's a difference between being jaded and just not being a fool. I love love. Total hopeless romantic. But that still doesn't change the fact that no matter how much you love someone...they aren't worth your self love.

And if you give up your home, your health, your dream way of life... you'll feel so sorry that you did that one day.

Especially seen as it sounds like you have this guy on a pedestal. And those things...they have a way of crashing down :/

And I'll reiterate- no man who truly loves you would ever want you to give up what you have now, for him.

Well, I'm a fairly jaded person too, and the stuff I just said about being in love probably isn't something I've ever said before. He's irreplaceable. The idea of life without him sounds awful and I'm certain it would be impossible to ever find anyone I feel like this about again.

If it really is what you say it is between you then he will feel the same way and won't ask or want you to give up your happiness for him. You can visit each other. Spend time together. There is no reason you have to relocate or split up: it's a false decision.

You say his kids are older, so enjoy things as they are and then if this is real it will stand the test of time and he can consider moving to where you are when they are adults...

OK so, IF you went back there, whats the plan?

Is there a similar line of work available you would enjoy?

Does he intend to marry you?
Can you live together?

Basically, how would the relationship progress? And what would your life look like?

You need to establish those things with him.
Make sure he actually wants what you want...infact...I'd press him for marriage first before moving. That way you know he genuinely wants commitment as opposed to just saying it because words mean nothing when you live accross the world.

You only dated for a few months and it’s been long distance since...of course things are great, it’s all still new really! I think you would be mad to give your life up at this stage for something that isn’t really properly established. If it’s meant to be, give it a few years long distance. Let his kids grow up and reassess then.

If his kids are 15 and 18, can't you just carry on like this for a few more years until he has more freedom? Their older ages changes the scenario.

@gregoriahowse you’ve come 3 years and his youngest is 15 … why would you not hang on another 3 years for his youngest to finish school when you have more options available to you both?

What is the distance between you? I completely empathise as I am the same age as you and in an (ultra) long distance relationship myself. It will be a few years before we can be together - we both have careers and kids and lives that tie us to our current locations. But a future without each other is unthinkable so I take it day by day and make the most of the opportunity to concentrate on my kids and in my career.

The life
no question

how long have you been seeing each other?

I felt like you about someone just three weeks ago - until I left him.

Life.
If he's the right one he will be there.
I've not put my life first several times and none worked well.
You are the person you are because of the life you are currently experiencing.
The minute that dynamic stops you are in a very different reality.

I'm not jaded, I chose the life 13 years ago and have never regretted it. Never. Life in the UK for me sucked.

When the first flushes of love fade, which they will, you'll be stuck in a life you don't want.

Choose life.

PS I am now married happily to the true love of my life.

I wouldn't be making any big decisions yet. Few things:

Why couldn't you recreate some of your success elsewhere? As in why would it be your current location or a crap job? Not saying move home, I just don't see why some of your experience isn't transferable even if we are currently talking a UEA mega salary or similar.

Are you wanting children? If not, you've no need to rush on that front. Can't you hang on a few more years then see when his kids are both 18? It's not fair that you should make all the sacrifices because of his decisions- kids, business- especially if your health benefits from being where you are now. Is it viable to keep visiting?

I would absolutely not rush this and want to encourage you to spend longer in your current post as you sound so happy and your partner, doubtless for solid reasons not unkind ones, is not willing or able to make any changes himself.

If I had to answer one way then the life. But i'm just not sure the answer is one or the other. Does DP know why this makes you so happy and secure? If so and he loves you he will understand a while longer until you both have more freedom and you have at least completed a good stint overseas and had chance to think about the future.

The trouble is, you're all suggesting I make him wait six years! He didn't want a long distance relationship so he's sacrificed for me and you're saying I should ask him to sacrifice more. I think that's really unfair. Fair enough I wanted to do this and he supported me, but it's nearly 5000 miles and it affects him a lot too and it was only ever meant to be short term so waiting until his kids are grown up is really out of the question.

It's not easy living like this and he's had to make really big concessions not to mention enormous expense and ultimately he deserves the life he wants too.

I would stay as you are. In three years he will be at the point of children older/could move overseas. You will have reached the usual timespan for staying in your current location.

That seems the natural decision point.