Which would you choose? Love or the life?

[gregoriahowse]

I have a choice to make.

This isn't a sob story but context: I've had a really tough life. Foster care, never had any money or a decent home, never really felt a sense of belonging because I was always scraping by so I've always felt this desperate need to have a happy and full life that felt out of reach.

I am working overseas right now and found a life I love. As an expat, I was given a house of my own for the first time in my life. I have decent pay and can save money for the first time. My job is satisfying and prestigious so I'm respected in the community. I have lots of friends and a fun social life. The weather has cured my asthma. I finish work at 3pm and can then go sailing or fishing. Its perfect, and not something I ever felt I'd have.

The problem is, before I left, I met someone and we dated for a while and things have progressed even more and we've been visiting each other regularly, and, well. I'm in love. Very in love, and can't see that I'll ever find anyone else like him if I let him pass me by.

The problem is; he can't move here. He owns a business there. He is a single Dad to two older kids. He'd love to join me but it's completely out of the question, so the decision was made really that we need to be together and I'll come home.

I am just struggling with letting my great life go, feeling like home is so comparatively awful and ill be back to an awful job and being poor and tired and the general drudgery that made me want to leave in the first place.

So I have two questions: do I swap the life I love for the man I love

And is it wrong that I'm even thinking this?

I just wanted to say what an enormous credit you are to yourself, to have been through so much and achieved what you have, from scratch with no support or help.
Given your profession, a job will be available to you almost anywhere including the place you are in, in time, so provided your savings are carefully ring fenced ( I know what they will mean to you and it’s far more than ‘money’) I would give it a try, what do you have to lose? You can always find a new job and a new life very similar or the same as the one you have now, if it doesn’t work out.

Be absolutely sure you are happy with your choice if you choose to have a child. That will clip your wings far more than marriage.

Some very odd responses here, you are a grown up 41 year old Dr living like you are on a gap year after uni. With a revolving door community so you don't belong as it were! You'd be mad not to move back with him and try at least, it's not like you do have a life set up abroad if its a rolling 12 month contract with accommodation and visa tied to it.

If you move back are you intending to move straight into his house? That’s the major bit that rings alarm bells to me. You’d go from running your life your way to moving into someone else’s life, house, routines etc. His kids might be lovely but it’s a whole different thing living under the same roof as children who are not your own.

Do you get to redecorate, rearrange the furniture, change the weekend routine, suggest new restaurants to eat out rather than the family favourites, how do you split chores, what financial contribution do you make to the house hold and what financial security do you have in the house? If you all go out for a meal, who pays? How do you manage joint finances, how do you set up your will in anticipation of a marriage?

if you move back I’d suggest you buy your own place and start there. Begin your life as you’d like it to be in the UK rather than bending yourself to fit in with his existing set up. Don’t move into his house and his life wholesale and expect it to go brilliantly just because you love each other.

I agree with this - carry on as you are and then make decision when the youngest goes to university.

Why couldn't you recreate some of your success elsewhere? As in why would it be your current location or a crap job?

I thought this too! Accepting that people can earn a lot more money in the Middle East or wherever that they simply wouldn’t get paid over here, why can’t you use that experience to get a better job over here? And if your DP has a lovely life here, why couldn’t you make a different but lovely life with him? I don’t quite get how it’s all so black and white? Agree with others that you should definitely want marriage on the table if you’re going to make drastic changes to be with this man, though…..

Also as someone with a 15 and 18 year old it’s a tough age to make your debut!

They will be a tough crowd, and have been through so much if they have lost their mother.

Tread carefully, talk to them like adults, leave the difficult stuff to dp and know in a few years they will be adults and will need lots of support - more in some cases. The last child turning 18 isn’t a green light to disappear and withdraw parenting. So it could be much longer before there is any real freedom to choose. I thought I would mention that there is no ‘finish’ line when you are parents, they rely solely on your dp.

@gregoriahowse - not read the full thread. This is a difficult decision. Perhaps the best way to test it is this: if you were to move for him and the relationship were to break down at some point in the future, do you think you would regret having left this lifestyle for him or would you be glad you gave it a shot?

Please don't understate the transition of a long distance relationship to a day to day relationship. Right now it's like you are holiday and you only see the good bits. The monotony of the day to day will change things - how much is the question.

Also reverse culture shock. Have you dealt with it before? It can be really intense.

You may want to talk to a therapist and game out what things will look like if they go well and if they don't. I think hanging a plan b will be prudent. He's lived on his own with his sons for years - he might not be as easy to live with as you may hope.

Yes, he sounds a real creep who will force you to give up everything good in your life. No decent man (if there are any) would do this.

I think you need to get out of the mindset of all the sacrifices he's made. He hasn't made any! The life he wants with you that he hasn't had yet isn't a sacrifice, in fact it's just the same 'sacrifice' as you yourself have made so far.

If you decide to be with him then as pointed out you need a place of your own first and then start dating properly. If you move in with him it will be never be your home and anyway things might not work out and then you'll be stuck.

OP, you sound like you have already made your mind up on going back to the UK for love and nothing anyone will say will change that. Just accept that decision and look for ways to make that an easy transition.

If you can't be happy in life without him then you've got your answer.

He has no choice to be fair, he is widowed with two children to care for and a business to provide for them.

A creep would probably disappear, yes, but a decent man would stay and look after his children and hope the love of his life can join him. He is not wrong to hope op will choose to commit and be with him for good.

I accept that op has the difficult decision to make, but I do not accept he is a creep for asking her, she has the option to decline.

This isn’t mainly about ‘lifestyle’ it’s about OP’s earning ability for the next 25 years and financial and housing security for the next 40 years.

If there are few good jobs where he lives, OP should stay where she is or move somewhere closer to him where she can get a good job offer.

If he’s the sole living parent he’d be pretty selfish to move abroad when his DC are young adults IMO. So wouldn’t take any promise of that into account.

@BygoneDays

Yes, he sounds a real creep who will force you to give up everything good in your life. No decent man (if there are any) would do this.

How is he a creep for not closing down his business and relocating his teenage children abroad? The OP would have to give up a lot if she relocated, but it still be less than he would have to.

You'd be absolutely mental to give this all up for a man you dated for eight months. A long distance relationship of three years is not equivalent to a close relationship of three years.

He's a shit father to be moving someone he barely knows in with his children. Not the type of man I would choose to build a life with.

As regards OP’s understandable desire for a family, she’d be entering her boyfriend’s family and may or may not develop good relationships with his DC. That’s different and much harder than a relationship with a man with no DC.

If you do want to return to the UK eventually, returning for a relationship is not a bad way to do it. If you’ve been abroad for a while, it will take you time to readjust to Britain. That’s only going to get tougher the older you get. Eventually as an expat you will reach the point where returning to the UK just feels insurmountable.

My advice would be keep prioritising you. If you return to the UK for this man you also need to be going back for some other reason. And be prepared to feel unsettled for a few years.

I think you've made your mind up. But don't rush back just to be with him. Make sure you are also setting up a life for yourself with things you enjoy in it separate from your relationship. Otherwise there is a danger you will shape shift into what you think he wants you to be so you can keep that deep sense of security.

There will 100% be days where you hate the UK and you hate your partner and wonder what the fuck you did moving back. Make sure before you leave there's room for you to exist elsewhere, as yourself & not a fantasy dog-fridge-kids stepmum, on those days. As a minimum really.

I agree, op needs to prioritise her financial security and housing for older age. She has a window of earning potential now and her security into old age is paramount. Whatever decisions she makes must be ones that take this into account fully. It’s easy to be swept up in romance but it’s important to stay focused on long term financial security.

So you have a good career, you wouldn't be going back to a poverty stricken crap life and this is a good man you love very much?!
Choose love. Some people never find it, never turn your back on love. Even if it ends in crap it is always worth the risk.

And if I was your DP and wanted to extend it another 3 years I think I'd be justified in saying no, that isn't what we agreed.

It sounds to me op you know what you want but you're quite clearly afraid of taking the chance to shatter that dream of being in a family.

Look at how many chances you've taken in life already? You've worked hard at becoming a doctor, moved abroad for a while. Lots of people don't do these things but you took chances and made it happen.

I think life is about taking chances otherwise no one would change or go anywhere.

I'm sorry for your awful upbringing and it has learned you some hard lessons.

But don't you think that young girl from all those years ago that is still inside of you, deserve to be shown love? From yourself and from others. Show her regardless of being afraid, like you've done many times before without realising, take the plunge and do it.

If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. You could always go abroad again and find a new life somewhere. Use that as your back up. But please give yourself the chance.

You've said several times deep down it is what you want. It's okay to do what you want. Everyone will give their opinion because they are viewing it through their own life lenses and experiences.

You can only do it through your own.

Do it and go for it. But plan. Make sure you have some spare cash to one side that is yours and yours alone. Keep it for just in case it doesn't work out and you have enough money to go abroad and you're not trapped. That kind of thing.

But I believe in giving at least things a chance. The decision is there to be made. You say you don't trust others then trust yourself and make a decision for you.

Happy life!

I think you would be utterly bonkers to give up what you've achieved for a man. I understand the 'love of my life' scenario but love is so ephemeral and can just as easily fizzle out. And you've never lived with this man or his children. And his children won't just magically leave home and cease to be dependant when they turn 18. And, quite frankly, the UK is a shit tip and rapidly heading towards basket case territory, so from this point of view alone you would be mad to live here again.

I think you have your answer. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Go with your heart. Sometimes that can be very illogical but it tends to be the right thing.

The relationship might not last (or it might given the strength of your feeling) but what matters is that right now is that you want to be with him. Life has a habit of sorting itself out around you if you are surrounded by love and stability.

You've made the life for yourself where you are, and that's not down to luck, that's down to your graft, social skills, determination, hard work, acceptance of people, your go-getting nature. All of that will come with you back in the UK. It's who you are.

Will you be able to replicate your current lifestyle? Probably not. Will you definitely fall back into the despair and horrible situation you were in in the uk before ? No, because you are a different, stronger and more experienced person now. And because you won't be alone. And because you've built and tasted a better life so you know you can do it.

Have confidence in yourself and your decisions. And remember that if you make a decision and later on you change your mind, then you can always change again.

Read 'feel the fear and do it anyway' by Susan Jeffers. TLDR: there's no such thing as a wrong decision. Choose based on the facts and feelings you have, and go with it.

Good luck and be happy 😊

OP you have a lot going on here that’s tangled up - thinking about expat life (at just over 2 years you are not a long term expat), commitment to a relationship, joining a blended family on very little prior contact, going “home” to a place you don’t feel good about.

I think it would be worth getting some therapy to explore your feelings about the uk. Not to force you to feel good about it, but to really make your peace with your upbringing. My observations of expats is that many of them choose expat life as a means of “running away” from something - and for many of them that catches up with them later. So might be worth doing the work now.

the other thing that strikes me is how rigid your option set is. Move now, or break up. Given how complex the situation is isn’t it worth removing some of your limiting beliefs about what’s possible and not, and also the timeline. Tell your oh you will begin a process of scoping out life in the uk. Spend more time there. Start to look for some jobs. Properly talk to him about how he intends to integrate you with his family lfie - with his kids the ages they’re at you will never really be their mother / stepmother in a domestic sense, you’ll be their fathers partner (which is totally fine!). And then stop and reflect. And really listen to how you feel about it all.

ultimately remember as well that all decisions can be revisited. If you did move back and loathed it those expat jobs will still be there in some form or another. Conversely, if you decided to stay and broke up and in a yearns time really felt it was the wrong decision you can try to reopen that conversation. I would really encourage you to not be so absolutist in terms of outcomes.

if your oh to be is a good man he will support and participate in the solution process with you. If he isn’t, you absolutely shouldn’t marry him. Life is a partnership is usually full of messy compromises like this, and I don’t think it really works when one person just makes the decision about what works / doesn’t work and then draws a line.