Which would you choose? Love or the life?

[gregoriahowse]

I have a choice to make.

This isn't a sob story but context: I've had a really tough life. Foster care, never had any money or a decent home, never really felt a sense of belonging because I was always scraping by so I've always felt this desperate need to have a happy and full life that felt out of reach.

I am working overseas right now and found a life I love. As an expat, I was given a house of my own for the first time in my life. I have decent pay and can save money for the first time. My job is satisfying and prestigious so I'm respected in the community. I have lots of friends and a fun social life. The weather has cured my asthma. I finish work at 3pm and can then go sailing or fishing. Its perfect, and not something I ever felt I'd have.

The problem is, before I left, I met someone and we dated for a while and things have progressed even more and we've been visiting each other regularly, and, well. I'm in love. Very in love, and can't see that I'll ever find anyone else like him if I let him pass me by.

The problem is; he can't move here. He owns a business there. He is a single Dad to two older kids. He'd love to join me but it's completely out of the question, so the decision was made really that we need to be together and I'll come home.

I am just struggling with letting my great life go, feeling like home is so comparatively awful and ill be back to an awful job and being poor and tired and the general drudgery that made me want to leave in the first place.

So I have two questions: do I swap the life I love for the man I love

And is it wrong that I'm even thinking this?

So you’ve never lived together ? Yes he has a nice house And is financially stable. But if you move back to the Uk to live with him And his team he’d kids as his fiancée, you will have no moral or legal right to his house or his finances, if it doesn’t work out.

And seriously “ This man is home “?? You have never lived together and if you split up you could be homeless in weeks!

Kids of 15 and 18 who have lived with only their dad for most of their lives and not going to welcome you with open arms. Why the hell would they ? You would be an intruder into their nice lives. It’s really NOT the same as them being fun on holiday .

You have NO IDEA how tough it is to live with someone else’s kids in someone else’s house, living someone else’s dream having given up your own life for them.

If you are planing to work in the NHS I suggest that you post on here or elsewhere asking about the kinds of jobs you would have here, working conditions and salary.

You are obviously an intelligent and educated woman. You need to do a lot more detailed research on this and move beyond your simplistic binary of “life or love “ or “ his dream or mine “. Assuming this is a genuine question and not a tag line for a magazine article.

And you need to know the answer ( for yourself ) to some of the questions that Pp have asked you , like who will do the housework . Without giggling 🙄. You are 41 not 18.

Right now you come home from work at 3 and go out to the beach. Are you going to enjoy coming home from work at 7pm to a load of dishes and washing? While his “ brilliant kids “ sit around eating pizza, gaming and complaining they don’t have a clean shirt for school tomorrow and that there’s nothing in the fridge.

Where do you actually live, OP? Is it somewhere you could easily return to if things don't work out?

OP, there's no way you'll be as vulnerable as you were in your past. You can choose whatever you want. Life and love should not exclude one another! So if you stay where you are ("life") and give up on this relationship you can meet someone else and love someone else; it happens to many many people for diferent reasons. If you go back to the UK ("love") you can find work there and create a new routine with friends, activities, etc.; this also happens all the time to tons of people. Do what you want and if it turns out to be a bad decision you can change your mind and make a diferent choice; just keep on trying to be happy and go on living your life the best you can. You can love again. You can find a new place to work.

Giving up your independence for a relationship is generally a terrible idea. It will come at a cost, and that cost may well be your mental health.

I'm afraid this plan has disaster written all over it. 😕

You sound like you know what you want OP. It sounds like you’ve already chosen the man.

I think a lot of us have just had relationships go wrong and know how precious a life that you feel happy in is. You could go back, things could be difficult with the step kids etc and you could have regrets. Or it could all be amazing. Ultimately it’s a risk but you also have control over how it turns out - there’s (probably) no inevitability there (unless he turns out to be very different to how he seems).

You definitely sound like you’ve made your choice already, so go for it - hope it goes really well (and maybe if all else fails you can come back to where you are now, sounds like paradise!).

I was in exactly this position when I met dh. I had everything I could dream of, and look so fondly back at that time. So I get it a 100% what you will be sacrificing. Especially given your history.

I made the choice to marry my dh and I choose life in the U.K. we compensated somewhat with lots of holidays and plans to move overseas in retirement, I had two children and a very happy secure life. Your deep need for a family probably runs deeper than a need to sail and fish every day. For me it brought a deep sense of security I hadn’t known before.

Can you return to your old life if it does not work out? Do you have that option?

Does he have a nice home and live in a decent area? Can you seee yourself creating a happy life there? You still have your savings, so you could continue to save and make sure you keep that safe until you are married.

it is a shock coming back, I won’t lie I had many days when I wondered why I came back! The cold especially and the consumerism.

I wouldn’t return for anything other than marriage because your sacrifices are too big, and you stand to lose too much otherwise. I would also do a trial run before fully deciding.

Now I am older, I am glad I moved back. I have much more security here, I feel safe (lots of health problems) I feel connected to my community and family. I couldn’t imagine the long term vulnerability of growing old overseas.

I still hope to have a small house and life overseas but living there full time no longer appeals to me, and I don’t enjoy the heat as much.

I often think if I had stayed, I probably would have met snd married someone locally.my life would be different/harder. life is harder and less comfortable there than my U.K. life.

If you can preserve your life or potential life whilst trying it out, I would. Not every situation has a happy ending, but you deserve yours.

If you decide to stay op, push for a three year contract so you can feel longer term this is your home. I know the cocoon you mean, and it’s incredibly healing when you are used to nothing. Well it was for me. I believe my childhood scars were in some ways repairs in that time - in the cocoon.

I would encourage you to make more local friends and get to know your neighbours on a deeper level rather than stick with the expats. I found this to be more grounding and life felt more permanent. Eventually I guess you will buy your own home, and that will be a lovely moment too. So whatever you outcome you have two very good future options op.

I wish you every happiness

Don’t give up your wonderful life.

You will regret it.

You will constantly have to fit in around this man and his children and there will be no space for you.

In short if you want to be miserable stick with him.

Sorry to be blunt, but you have to realise long distance relationships are not reality, they can be quite heady and dramatic akin to a movie… that intoxication fades fast.

There will be other men to love where you are.

I think you have made your decision

Would I have moved heaven and earth for a man with children at 41?

I nearly did. And thank fuck I didn't because it would have been a nightmare (Very long story)

Living with someone in their house with their kids, trying to find work, crap weather, missing your old life, the freedom, the hobbies, the money.......awful and very sad

When you leave your life, for this man, protect yourself. Keep contacts so that you can restart your own beautiful life should you choose to. Protect your finances, investments, savings, property.

Be aware, be wary. Be prepared to leave the UK

Romantic Love is wonderful but self love is essential. Don't lose self love in your need to cement romantic love

One of the reasons this man seems so perfect is probably that right now he is not attainable

I’d not give up a life like that

Don't give up your life for a man. Ever.

Your life is what you will make it, you can decide to remain in your lovely bubble, but expat life isn't 'real life' it's transient. Having been an expat after a while I started feeling disconnected and a bit rootless if that makes sense. You have created a wonderful safe place for yourself, you have achieved more than you perhaps thought possible and possibly the bubble you placed yourself in was a good place to heal.

I wouldn't walk into a new life without a proper plan but I would choose love.

Can you imagine a life without him? Can you imagine how life might look with him back in the UK? I'd be clear on the practicalities and your expectations. Blending a family isn't always easy, what sort of a dad is he really? Check your boundaries and your compromises.

Go with your gut, trust your instincts and choose happy.

I get it.

Different childhood, but grew up with a hole inside me. Knowing that only being ‘seen’, ‘belonging’ could fill. Have had therapy around this. Yearning feels physical at times - it’s a bit like bereavement in that life goes on, can be so much fun at times, but suddenly you fall down a vortex, knowing how much you need to belong.

I also lived abroad for many years, and the last place was very much as you describe. Used to fly cessnas and scuba whenever I felt like it.

Won’t go on.

In your position I would give it all up and go back to live with him. The stuff you regret is the stuff you DON’T do. That’s why you had to go abroad in the first place, and it’s now why you now have to go back. If it doesn’t work out another opportunity will come your way and you can recreate what you have now. Your career will always give you opportunities.

I returned 20 years ago. I miss parts of my old life. But I have never regretted it.

It's easier to find a new love than build a new life.

Yes you are. And I actually agree with you, as presumably you can't stay where you are forever? And you could always get another job where you are if things don't work out romantically. But I would only go home once married.

But the OP's man is presumably part of what makes her peaceful and happy, and ending the relationship would clearly impact on those.

The OP is clearly able to move more easily than her partner due to his kids and business....

OP - MN is full of jaded women who will always tell you to leave your man. Recognise that as you take advice.

I disagree... Finding love is elusive, especially when 40+. Building a new life isn't easy, but it's always possible. Unlike finding love, it's not "elusive"', just hard. I've made new life in different parts of the UK a few times in my life - it's perfectly possible.

There's no upper age limit on meeting someone new and falling in love.
I say choose life.

Definitely wouldn’t move for this man’s sake unless you had a great, well paid UK job lined up. This is your economic wellbeing, future earnings, pension etc.

He hasn’t ‘sacrificed’ to be with you: he’s parenting, working and dating.

You say he’s a ‘single dad’: do you mean that he has his DC part of the time or all the time? Either way that is not an easy situation if you move in together.

It’s improbable that he would move overseas with you later when his DC go to university: that sounds like ‘future faking’.

Life. Be brave. You may meet someone there. You need to focus on you and that's what you are doing and you are settled and happy

Your deep need for a family probably runs deeper than a need to sail and fish every day. For me it brought a deep sense of security I hadn’t known before.

This. There are plenty of nice hobbies to do in the UK!

But your new life with him could become a life you love. It would be a different life, but could still be one you love, for different reasons.
I'd move, or you'll spend the rest of your life wondering 'what if...' I'd rather regret trying than regret never finding out.

You said:

"... I feel like home is wherever he is."

There is your answer. I'd choose love.

You choose the life, obviously. Not only cos it sounds great and happy, but you have more control over that than you do over a person.

However, based on the fact that you’re arguing in favour of choosing love, I think you have made your mind up already.

I picked the life and do not regret it one bit. Many years later, I did meet the love of my life and now do "have it all".

You sound as if you have achieved something great. Don't throw that away to fit around someone else's wants.