Which would you choose? Love or the life?

[gregoriahowse]

I have a choice to make.

This isn't a sob story but context: I've had a really tough life. Foster care, never had any money or a decent home, never really felt a sense of belonging because I was always scraping by so I've always felt this desperate need to have a happy and full life that felt out of reach.

I am working overseas right now and found a life I love. As an expat, I was given a house of my own for the first time in my life. I have decent pay and can save money for the first time. My job is satisfying and prestigious so I'm respected in the community. I have lots of friends and a fun social life. The weather has cured my asthma. I finish work at 3pm and can then go sailing or fishing. Its perfect, and not something I ever felt I'd have.

The problem is, before I left, I met someone and we dated for a while and things have progressed even more and we've been visiting each other regularly, and, well. I'm in love. Very in love, and can't see that I'll ever find anyone else like him if I let him pass me by.

The problem is; he can't move here. He owns a business there. He is a single Dad to two older kids. He'd love to join me but it's completely out of the question, so the decision was made really that we need to be together and I'll come home.

I am just struggling with letting my great life go, feeling like home is so comparatively awful and ill be back to an awful job and being poor and tired and the general drudgery that made me want to leave in the first place.

So I have two questions: do I swap the life I love for the man I love

And is it wrong that I'm even thinking this?

Whats the longest you’ve stayed together in his home?

Or would you live separately if you moved back

To the people who say he won't give up anything... So you won't give up life for love but you expect someone to give up their kids for love... utter ridiculous.

Why can't you carry on as you are visit each other have holidays together and then later when the kids grow up and your older you may change how you feel about him or the life but right now doesn't sound like the time to go back

I once chose the love.
I wish I had chosen the life.

Sounds like you've already made your mind up but I also vote LIFE. I chose love over life twice. Both times were massive massive mistakes. I wish to this day I hadn't been so naive and willing to give everything up for a man. No man (or woman) is worth it. Ever.

Look how many miserable relationships there are on MN. They all started off with being in love. Personally I’d choose the life.

Can you say what type of business it is?

If, for example he came over for 6 weeks during the long school holidays would that be possible?

If you do decide to come here, I echo pp's suggestion of getting your own place, say walking distance from his.

Every single relationship on AIBU & relationships started off just as hopeful and optimistic as you are here.

If you decide to leap, make sure you have a parachute, such as a house of your own.

Life

if he loved you as much as you love him he’d find a way to make it work. Plus the love euphoria will most likely fade and you’ll have lost your fabulous life.

I'm hearing that you didn't get the best start in life, many things that you're considering could be based around you feeling insecure about not finding that same type of love you are experiencing with this guy. I'm hoping that doesn't sound patronising but I think you have made yourself happy in building your life for yourself. I wouldn't give that up easily. Good luck in whatever you decide, you sound like a very strong and mindful person:)

OP I know you've made your decision but I just want to say no decision is final.
I don't know your ages, but his children are teenagers. In a few short years they'll be flying the nest. Who knows, even they might leave to go abroad and never return to stay home the way they are now.
You are on a 12-month rolling contract as an expat, so not permanent.

I'm not sure what country you're in but if it's in any way decent to settle down in the strategic thing to do would be to at least get permanent working rights, in the U.K for example 5 years would give your ILR that you can keep provided you return for a couple of weeks every year.

This isn't just for your benefit but also his, the UK sorry to say is going down the drain and as much as I hate the negativity on MN the country isn't in a good state right now. An escape route would be great! He can then follow you there as your spouse.

Also surely if you marry him you won't be poor as you'll share your assets?

There's a lot more to think about here than what you've just outlined, if he wants your back and married ASAP 'because' then he's being a bit short-sighted as well.

I've lived and worked abroad, had a great life and a much higher standard of living... but as you say it's a transient, with people coming and going and I think ultimately you will be lonely if you stay, plus it's fine while you're young and healthy, but do you really want to stay there when you get older (and are possibly on your own?). I would go back for this guy, even if you leave it a few months first. He sounds special and the fact that you love his kids too is very important. Yes you could travel together in the future or even buy a small place abroad. As his kids grow up you can be a part of their lives and build a family network that you have never properly been a part of. Go for love, you deserve it xxx

Keep your great life. If you don't, you'll always regret it.

Also OP having re-read your posts am I right in guessing you are a doctor? If so, you can move anywhere you want anytime you wish, so you can always move back...

I would never give up my life. Love is great, but not that great.

This is your solution. Communication technology can allow you to talk as often as you want, you can visit each other and spend time together, and if this relationship lasts you can make the decision to relocate at retirement.

OP, from your responses that I’ve read I feel like you know what you want. You want to be with the man.

There are a lot of jaded people on here. That’s fair enough! I think most people actually never experience that once in a lifetime love. They end up with someone who they get on fine with, and they develop a love for, and they either stay with that person for the comfort and security and companionship, or they eventually break up because ultimately they aren’t compatible enough. That’s the most a lot of people ever experience.

Some people, not many, meet somebody they are truly compatible with, are truly in love with, and that kind of love lasts a lifetime.

Maybe you have that. If you do, you’ve gotta go for it, right?

And if you ever want to move back abroad - is that an impossibility? You have the experience and the connections now.

Great post @TheBerry I agree completely.

@gregoriahowse I feel quite invested in your story as I feel there are a few parallels with my own situation.

My childhood was defined by instability - by no means as hard as yours, but my parents were loving bit very chaotic and immature. We were very poor for many years (cold showers in mid winter because we couldn’t afford to fix the hot water cylinder, the eftpos card being declined at the supermarket because dad had spent all the money type poor) while trying to maintain a facade of middle class normality.

As a consequence I grew up determined to have a great career, marty a financially stable man and for my kids to have the comfortable, affluent middle class life the other kids at school seemed to have. And I do, and I did. I’m a lawyer with an excellent job and I’m well regarded in my field. I married a lawyer who is extremely financially stable. We have a lovely house with a pool, holidays overseas every year, a house at the beach, I never had to think about the bills lt budget. Everything 16 year old
me wanted.

Except in pursuit of this dream, I married a withholding man who was frequently emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive, and I stayed far too long to maintain the life I wanted my kids to have. (Arguably should never have married but then I wouldn’t have the kids so I can’t and don’t regret it). It’s awful and confronting to acknowledge, but I don’t think I really loved ex H (knowing what I know now about love) and I certainly don’t think he really loved me (I don’t think he’s capable of it).

DP is a once in a lifetime love that I reconnected with from my youth and I know now what it is to feel like home is whereever they are. He is my shelter from the storm, he is my greatest cheerleader, he calms me down and looks after me emotionally in a way I have never had. My upbringing and my marriage taught me I had to be emotionally and practically very self sufficient - I am proud of what I have achieved but I have also had to acknowledge to myself that I am human, it is okay to need to be loved and cared for and to be vulnerable with someone who loves you. I guess what I am saying is that we have overcome the challenges our childhood threw at us hit we need to be mindful not to let them define us in our relationships forever.

I am not saying throw away your career, of course not, you will always have that and you will always have that option/freedom to make financial choices for yourself. You have built that for yourself already. But it is okay to be open to love and a healthy relationship that enriches your life.

that should read “marry a financially stable man” - not martyr - though I was a bit of a martyr!!

Choose the life. Your sacrifices will be considerably greater if you move home, than his will be if you stay.

FWIW I think my DH is once in a lifetime. We fit each other like a glove something that didn't happen with other partners. Who knows, what will happen in the future as I'm still quite young but I certainly wouldn't give him up!

However both the OP staying abroad and her partner waiting are things that can be negotiated. From the OP it's not clear whether things are set in stone, as you said she can move back abroad. All it is, her partner has given the 'ultimatum' and she is jumping to make a decision.

Maybe it's just because of my circle people are constantly doing LDR's, moving countries etc etc I don't see distance being such a big deal. If the man is the type to do so however, can't leave his 'home and business' this might be a problem further down the line.

I do think there are so many other things to consider here.

There will be other men, don't go back when you've made a life for yourself. A long distance relationship may or may not work but you've built your life, don't change it .

I think responses would have been very different had you mentioned you're a Dr. Well, any solid transferable profession.

Mine would have been. Not to say run back to the UK ASAP. All in good time. But your OP gave the impression your work and earning potential were rather more precarious than they are.

As a Dr you can move back on similar terms to this or another new place if the relationship doesn't work out. You also have the opportunity to make decent and reliable money in the UK, maybe do short contracts or projects overseas or many other options. I don't feel it is anything like as much as an either/ or than your OP suggested.

I'm not sure whether your thinking has changed over the thread or you are defending the option to move and be with DP because the responses have been strongly weighted against. But they are so because the impression was given that you wouldn't have good opportunities in the UK which you would. So don't decide based upon that.

I would want to have a conversation with DP though about exactly what happens if you're not happy in his location or get a great job opportunity once his kids have left school. You want someone capable of some compromise or change.

Choose life.

and maybe you meet someone who can share that life at some stage

is not be jacking that in to be a step mum in the UK
because when the wobbles happen
you’ll have nothing to turn to

Chose LIFE, OP!

Life!

Him 'giving' up his business will have the same affect as you giving up your work.

Think of your health.