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Original poster

Which would you choose? Love or the life?

177 replies

gregoriahowse · 13/09/2023 01:28

I have a choice to make.

This isn't a sob story but context: I've had a really tough life. Foster care, never had any money or a decent home, never really felt a sense of belonging because I was always scraping by so I've always felt this desperate need to have a happy and full life that felt out of reach.

I am working overseas right now and found a life I love. As an expat, I was given a house of my own for the first time in my life. I have decent pay and can save money for the first time. My job is satisfying and prestigious so I'm respected in the community. I have lots of friends and a fun social life. The weather has cured my asthma. I finish work at 3pm and can then go sailing or fishing. Its perfect, and not something I ever felt I'd have.

The problem is, before I left, I met someone and we dated for a while and things have progressed even more and we've been visiting each other regularly, and, well. I'm in love. Very in love, and can't see that I'll ever find anyone else like him if I let him pass me by.

The problem is; he can't move here. He owns a business there. He is a single Dad to two older kids. He'd love to join me but it's completely out of the question, so the decision was made really that we need to be together and I'll come home.

I am just struggling with letting my great life go, feeling like home is so comparatively awful and ill be back to an awful job and being poor and tired and the general drudgery that made me want to leave in the first place.

So I have two questions: do I swap the life I love for the man I love

And is it wrong that I'm even thinking this?

OP posts:
addicteetopawpatrol · 13/09/2023 21:43

F

Lastchancechica · 13/09/2023 21:50

gregoriahowse · 13/09/2023 10:45

This has all been really helpful, and this is where I'm at.

Firstly, so many people say I have a great life and am happy and secure, but a huge part of that is him. He was right there with me while I made the scary choice to do this, so proud, so supportive. And knowing he's there (even if not here) is a huge part of my happiness.

With him gone, the glimmer would leave very quickly, and I'd be sad, it would all seem pointless and suddenly if realise this albeit lovely villa isn't actually mine, and these albeit lovely people are my friends today but won't be ten years from now.

A lot of the opinions and stories people have posted, are really not reflective of things. For example with the children, who are kind and funny and welcoming just like their Dad. They've worked to make me feel comfortable and I've grown to love them too.

Yes we are far away, but I've been included on a video screen at the dinner table. I've been cared about and supported. One of the boys sent me his old xbox as he thought it might help keep me busy. They're good people, and I feel really lucky that they want me to be part of their family.

We can all one day go together and have the perks of an overseas life. I think there's many places I will be free to work and live and I'd like to reach the end of life feeling like I grabbed it and lived it, rather than hiding away. Which I think is partly what I'm doing.

Someone said:

Different childhood, but grew up with a hole inside me. Knowing that only being ‘seen’, ‘belonging’ could fill. Have had therapy around this. Yearning feels physical at times - it’s a bit like bereavement in that life goes on, can be so much fun at times, but suddenly you fall down a vortex, knowing how much you need to belong

This is how I feel. I'm glad someone wrote this as I'm unable to articulate it. This need to belong has come to dominate almost everything else, and it doesn't come from a place of a happy and secure adult. Leaving here will feel like a bereavement for this reason. It is, like you say, a physical yearning.

As others have said, financial security isn't about money for someone like me. It's about safety. It's about knowing I won't be homeless again or hungry or at the mercy of someone really terrible.

I'm going to accept his proposal and find a way to deal with the feelings of fear and losing my sense of belonging.

Your message choked me.
We share a similar background, and the realisation that the cocoon isn’t ‘real’ is a painful one. I had hoped you were not at the stage of seeing the transient emptiness of the cocoon.

Your dp may provide the love snd belonging you need. The cocoon is a healing place, but the next stage is to trust and move forward as you instinctively know. This is a process.

You can be and are already deeply loved.

Your new family can offer that I think, but keep your safety nets, your independence and take it slowly.

There will be tensions and bumps - don’t flee at the first issue. Commit fully and keep a hundred safety nets If you need them. My dh laughed warmly at mine. Loved me a little bit more. Make sure your dp does too 💐💪🏻 = survivors and healers

BreakTheChain · 13/09/2023 21:52

From your post it is pretty clear you have chosen love so the question is pretty irrelevant. What you actually need to think about is what kind of life you want in the UK with this man for the next few years and the logistics of what happens when you move back. How will living together work for example?

Sjh15 · 13/09/2023 21:53

I’m going to be devils advocate and go against the majority.

I’ve read your comments OP, more the other posters. Your comments read like you know what you want to do, you want to choose him. People are saying choose Life over love and you’re giving everything to argue the opposite.

you seem to want to choose love - so choose it!

Kwasi · 13/09/2023 22:30

Choose life.

I was exactly where you are. I chose love. 10 years and one child later, I am trapped with a controlling man I can’t afford to leave. While I love my son dearly, life was better when I was an expat with a
good wage, lots of friends and lots of adventure.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/09/2023 22:51

Well good luck then 🥰
you later posts show more context and history

LouHey · 14/09/2023 06:53

gregoriahowse · 13/09/2023 02:58

The trouble is, you're all suggesting I make him wait six years! He didn't want a long distance relationship so he's sacrificed for me and you're saying I should ask him to sacrifice more. I think that's really unfair. Fair enough I wanted to do this and he supported me, but it's nearly 5000 miles and it affects him a lot too and it was only ever meant to be short term so waiting until his kids are grown up is really out of the question.

It's not easy living like this and he's had to make really big concessions not to mention enormous expense and ultimately he deserves the life he wants too.

You're considering sacrificing everything else in your life you love, for him. It's an easy decision when you're not emotionally invested, you choose life. You're sounding pressured into giving everything up, yet worried about his sacrifices - really, what's he sacrificed? What is it about him that you love?

Cheetah7 · 14/09/2023 07:14

Leave it as it is

feralunderclass · 14/09/2023 07:46

OP please read the steparent board. Moving in with someone and the drudgery that involves often massively takes the shine off a relationship. His children aren't going to disappear once they are 18 and your boyfriend will be free, even if they go to uni they'll need a place to come back to, and need emotional and a lot of financial support. Often in these cases the man expects the woman to take on the domestic side of life. Just be warned, so many women wish they hadn't moved in together.

jeaux90 · 14/09/2023 08:01

OP if you have decided to move back I would buy a place of my own first move in there and spend time with your partner and kids before moving in.

Please don't move straight in.

ChristmasFluff · 14/09/2023 08:02

What I don't understand is why you posted here when you'd clearly already decided his shit doesn't stink and you are going to go back to the UK anyway?

We can't change the downsides of this, and you think he's worth giving it up for, so just crack on.

lilyannofpembleton · 14/09/2023 09:25

You are facing a really hard decision. It seems that there is no right or wrong answer, just different life paths to evaluate. Both offer a life and a love, just in different settings. You already know about your life now, if you were to stay where you are. It's great, you enjoy it and it has a lot of perks. The downside is that you may not have love in the way you currently know it. But it doesnt mean that if you stayed, you couldnt find love - that is the unknown.

On the other hand, moving back to the UK would give you the love, but the life would be unknown. I think the smart thing to do is to really understand what this life would be like, without rose tinted glasses and without past memories of your youth as the context would be very different. This view needs to include the practical aspects you describe in your current life - finances, hobbies, support network, place to live.... it also need to include a worst case scenario of potentially breaking up with said love down the line - what would things look like for you?

Once you have both realistic pictures, the choice will be easier. It may be that the life you will be able to create in the UK is different but actually not too bad at all, and it is worth giving up small aspects of your current expat life to have a good life with the man you love. It is also possible that actually, you are unable to cope with the realities of life in the UK due to weather, risk of breakup, career setback etc.

It is much easier to base this decision on an informed reality of 2 different life paths as opposed to a dilemna between love and life.

Good luck!

Fireangels · 14/09/2023 11:44

I can see this is a real dilemma. What strikes me though, is that you may have such a lovely relationship precisely because your’e not really living ‘real’ life when you’re together. Either he is visiting you, or vice versa. You don’t necessarily have all the irritating day to day things that are part of relationships which most of us work through. What would worry me in your situation is all these things taking on a bigger significance where you’d given up so much to be with him, and that growing resentment could ultimately spoil things between you.
Really this is not just your decision. What does he want? And what is he prepared to do to help that to happen? Is that enough for you?
Once his kids are more independent that may change things - he may be prepared to leave things as they are until he is at a point in his life where he is able to make changes. It’s up to him whether he wants to wait for this.
Waiting another couple of years is surely better than giving everything up and ultimately splitting because of resentment?

MaxTalk · 14/09/2023 14:33

Dump and run.

nibblemonster · 14/09/2023 14:50

If he really loves you then he will wait 3 years then come out to meet you. Seems quite a good relationship "test" if you see what I mean! It will prove he really loves you (or not!).

dimsumfatsum · 14/09/2023 15:50

Oh OP! I really thought you'd prioritise you and your life. Your conclusion is disappointing.

THEDEACON · 14/09/2023 17:38

Choose life You are putting his needs and wants before your own Not a good idea

brightstarr · 14/09/2023 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Hi all - we're afraid that we don't believe the OP is genuine. We've removed their threads and posts.

TooManyClouds · 14/09/2023 18:35

gregoriahowse · 13/09/2023 02:58

The trouble is, you're all suggesting I make him wait six years! He didn't want a long distance relationship so he's sacrificed for me and you're saying I should ask him to sacrifice more. I think that's really unfair. Fair enough I wanted to do this and he supported me, but it's nearly 5000 miles and it affects him a lot too and it was only ever meant to be short term so waiting until his kids are grown up is really out of the question.

It's not easy living like this and he's had to make really big concessions not to mention enormous expense and ultimately he deserves the life he wants too.

It's not you making him wait though, is it? It is his responsibilities to his children that mean he has to wait. It's not fair to put that on you and effectively say "oh, but if you give up your whole life and move here - sacrifice everything that makes you happy, for me - then that would fix my problem". That he would even contemplate that as a solution makes him seem very selfish: don't mistake that for love.

Boomboom22 · 14/09/2023 18:40

These responses are nuts. Op does not have a stable life to choose, it is a temporary set up that is transient she has already done more years than most.
Would all these posters seriously want their own daughters to carry on with their after uni gap year indefinitely and pass up the opportunity of a happy long term stable relationship and family?
Madness.

Boomboom22 · 14/09/2023 18:41

Also what's with encouraging a dad of a 15 and 18 year old to move countries? Wtf?

TooManyClouds · 14/09/2023 18:48

Different childhood, but grew up with a hole inside me. Knowing that only being ‘seen’, ‘belonging’ could fill. Have had therapy around this. Yearning feels physical at times - it’s a bit like bereavement in that life goes on, can be so much fun at times, but suddenly you fall down a vortex, knowing how much you need to belong

This is how I feel. I'm glad someone wrote this as I'm unable to articulate it. This need to belong has come to dominate almost everything else, and it doesn't come from a place of a happy and secure adult. Leaving here will feel like a bereavement for this reason. It is, like you say, a physical yearning.

As others have said, financial security isn't about money for someone like me. It's about safety. It's about knowing I won't be homeless again or hungry or at the mercy of someone really terrible.

I'm going to accept his proposal and find a way to deal with the feelings of fear and losing my sense of belonging.

The flaw in this reasoning is that it sounds as though you are still trying to fill that hole with him instead, and it's very dangerous to pin your sense of purpose and belonging to another person, it will never be a way to make yourself whole to try to get someone else to fill the gap for you.

Hawkins0009 · 14/09/2023 18:55

id choose the life over love any day of the week especially based on the contexts of some of the threads on here etc. @gregoriahowse

sugarrosepetal · 14/09/2023 20:25

Honestly? I'd choose life.

Mew2 · 14/09/2023 20:27

I would choose love seriously....
My dh had a major injury when we had been dating 6 months- seeing him lying on a hospital bed not knowing if he was going to come through- I chose him- I felt if I left him part of me would disappear and it would be a hole that would never be filled.... so I chose love- 5 years later I would still choose him- even though he is annoying and his brain injury sometimes makes me want to scream. But I choose him- because I love him- and its a choice and a feeling- I choose him when I am angry, choose him when I am sad and choose him to celebrate with.

So my question to you would be- how would you feel If you never saw him again. Could you cope? Or would you choose him everytime.... I choose love (which for us we have financial security that I had never dreamed of and know we are sorted- and we are financially secure together)...