Which would you choose? Love or the life?

[gregoriahowse]

I have a choice to make.

This isn't a sob story but context: I've had a really tough life. Foster care, never had any money or a decent home, never really felt a sense of belonging because I was always scraping by so I've always felt this desperate need to have a happy and full life that felt out of reach.

I am working overseas right now and found a life I love. As an expat, I was given a house of my own for the first time in my life. I have decent pay and can save money for the first time. My job is satisfying and prestigious so I'm respected in the community. I have lots of friends and a fun social life. The weather has cured my asthma. I finish work at 3pm and can then go sailing or fishing. Its perfect, and not something I ever felt I'd have.

The problem is, before I left, I met someone and we dated for a while and things have progressed even more and we've been visiting each other regularly, and, well. I'm in love. Very in love, and can't see that I'll ever find anyone else like him if I let him pass me by.

The problem is; he can't move here. He owns a business there. He is a single Dad to two older kids. He'd love to join me but it's completely out of the question, so the decision was made really that we need to be together and I'll come home.

I am just struggling with letting my great life go, feeling like home is so comparatively awful and ill be back to an awful job and being poor and tired and the general drudgery that made me want to leave in the first place.

So I have two questions: do I swap the life I love for the man I love

And is it wrong that I'm even thinking this?

So true!

He wants to get married. He wants to get engaged now, hence the question.

We would live together.

He has a nice life here, nice house, nice job, nice friends but these are things I only ever had now so it's hard for me to picture having it again.

Yes he completely understands but he doesn't see any reason we can't have a wonderful life in the UK and he's gently pointed out that this isn't a life style that he enjoys or is fulfilled by and has started - since I passed already the date I originally said I'd be home - to gently remind me that it was only agreed to be a couple of years.

If i suggested another three, he'd rightly say he loves me, but that isn't what we agreed and he is unhappy being separated.

Oh HELL no, no no, I would never give up my hard-won peace for a man. Not ANY man.
nope. Not in a million years.
if he can’t move and needs his business, let him keep his business. Please do not ever give up anything lovely for a man.
it will not work.
peace, happiness, and a good life - and therapy to heal - the thinking that “love” is in any way capable of being anything but a temporary thing is based in unhealed mirror neurons seeking to repair the past.

it is born of damage and trauma. Heal the trauma. Be happy. If he can’t do the work, he’s not a worthy partner.

What would you all tell me if I said my boyfriend went away 2.5 years ago saying it was for two years but now he loves his life and is staying there and says I could join him in a few years when my kids were grown?

I have to be honest, if I were in his shoes I'd say "eff off".

Sorry, I think an expa job is a temporary thing. Love isn't.

Making my own arguments here.

So you don't think it is fair to ask him to wait a few more years, but it is fine for you to give up your entire hard won life? It seems there is only one of you taking a risk here. If it doesn't work out he can continue with his life as it is, whereas you'll be starting again from scratch. I'm not sure I'd be willing to take that risk.

I think it was very generous of him to already wait years, yes. And to miss out on all sorts of things that are important to him, like sharing hobbies or having a partner around, in order to help me achieve my hard won dreams.

I probably wouldn't do that for someone.

Well in your shoes I’d probably choose love then @gregoriahowse

Even if you move back for him for a couple of years and you don’t love the UK, you can make a joint decision to move elsewhere when his personal situation allows.

If I could I’d move to DP’s location for sure. I’ve moved to the other side of the world before and loved it, and home (or somewhere else!) is only a plane ride away.

What’s the downside in moving back on the basis that he’s open to moving in the next 3 or so years?

" he just wanted to support my dreams and ambitions but they can't really come at the expense of his own."

....so why is it ok to be at the expense of yours?

Where is this place you live? Wondering how far it is as regards visits back and forwards? Also about you saying it's not really a long term option.

I think you are giving up an awful lot.

What’s the downside in moving back on the basis that he’s open to moving in the next 3 or so years?

I think it's just that I have had a terrible youth in the UK and haven't had a lot of the things "normal" people seem to have. It was always just quite hard. Mostly it's about a sense of belonging.

If you get plonked in an expat community its a bit like boarding school. You get given a life almost like a microwave meal. Everyone is your friend by default. There's only two bars in town and so it creates, i suppose a kind of cocoon.

It's of course unsustainable. Most of the people here when I arrived are gone now so it's a bit like a place you pass through and I know it's not home, but it gave me a sense I belonged and was included.

What is he giving up for you? You are planning on giving up your wonderful life to become a step mum to 2 teenage boys. Madness! Once the honeymoon period is over you may feel different. Real love takes time to grow. Enjoy your time now.

I actually think really it's probably all about that feeling of belonging. But do I really "belong"? I'm on a 12 month rolling contract and I'm only permitted here as long as work allows. I think it's just that I've never had it before.

I think it was also partly, hugely, the sense of security as I'd previously been living as a lodger, commuting, paying off ridiculous student loans (I trained as a doctor when I was 25 so didn't qualify until late in life)

I think there's a bit of me that thinks happy lives with dogs and kids and a full fridge are fantasies!

I understand that. I understand the sense of belonging and the appeal of that.

I think you sound very happy with the life you have created. And you only have to read some posts on here to see how badly men can behave and how quickly relationships can sour; it just seems like a huge risk and the stakes are so high for somebody like you who has had such a difficult life but is currently so happy.

I think a pp was right when they said that you are only who you are now because of your current, happy and fulfilling life and job, and the weather suiting your health.

When you are back here in a crappy job (although I'm not sure why this would be? Can you not do the same / similar job over here?), in the dark British winter with asthma, things may be very different.

What is he giving up for you?

People have a very odd attitude to this. How would you feel about your spouse moving 5000 miles away for six years?

No one wants that.

Of course he's sacrificed!

You're a doctor??

You will have a great, well paid career here as well!

Why do you think you will be in a low paid job here?

@oioicheeky I know I sounds good, but I total I was studying for 10 years, ended up with over £100k in student loans and was working ridiculous hours, living in someone's grotty spare room and earning at the time I left just over £30k. It was pretty dire.

Of course its possible I can get a better position now, maybe even a much better one. Its just that when I moved I got a house, finish early, and plenty of money and when you've struggled forever that's just an amazing feeling.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with the man you love! As long as you can build a life you love back in the UK and not resent him if it doesn’t work out. If you can build a satisfying life for yourself where you are now with interests and friends then you can do it again. You’d have the UK weather to contend with mind you.

Who looks after his home now, who cooks, cleans and shops? Are the boys with him full time? What is your relationship like with the ex? How will you divide the finances when you are married? Have you ever lived together?

Can you look at this time in the expat job where you “found” that home for yourself and set yourself up emotionally to unlock a happier future in the UK? It sounds like it’s been a life changing experience for you. Expat jobs are transient and maybe your time there is coming to an end, but now you have a new future and home to look forward to with your future husband.

@gregoriahowse what a huge achievement though. Well done you, you should be incredibly proud of yourself.

And yes, I understand being a doctor is incredibly hard work and, in the early years, for not much pay. So coupled with the fact you started later in life and have the large debts, I understand completely that this was a difficult life for you here.

(If you read my post prior to the one where I found out you were a doctor, I am firmly in the "stay" camp).

If you were to return here, you will still have the respect of being a doctor, it is such a high respected career.....but my goodness the hours, and the working conditions. And the lower pay will mean less money paying off your debts.

You've had a tough life and were in foster care - and look at what you have achieved!!!!

Whilst you won't be giving up being a doctor for this man, you will be swapping one very enviable lifestyle for an incredibly difficult one.

You cannot go back to flat shares etc.

What is his financial situation and what is he proposing? Will you be living in his house? Will you be getting married soon? Is his house mortgaged and will you be paying towards it? What is his business and what kind of hours does he work? Will be supporting you whilst you work long hours? Or will you be expected to run the house?

I gave up a lot materially to end my very unhappy, abusive marriage. In a way I chose love over “the life” (in a different way to you). I don’t regret it for a second. I used to be so miserable and stressed in my affluent middle class gilded cage.

Now I am still stressed 😂 because I have a demanding job and I’m a single mum to 2 small kids - but I am happy every day. DP feels like home to me and I am a better person for having him in my life.

Thanks so much.

He's widowed for 12 years, there's no ex.

Fortunately the circumstances here meant I could pay off my student debts early, which was a lot of the reason I did this. Financial stability makes me feel safe because I was literally homeless at 16 and had nobody.

He has a nice house in a nice place and he's very financially stable so I suppose life would be very different to the one I left.

Of course he doesn't expect me to be his cleaner (giggle). More likely the other way around, when he comes to stay he does everything actually!

As I'm writing this I'm realising I might be being a but daft as obviously life would be a lot different to the one I left behind.

I'm probably a bit worried about all the what ifs and making a proper life with someone like this and very much hoping it works out.

@Endoftheroad12345 the thing is, I learned young not to trust people. I never really have. But this man is home. Home is wherever he is. I think I just have to adjust to the idea of it not just being me anymore.

I really want that deep down.

Choose your life as it is for at least another year.

You sound really happy and secure. That is a very precious thing to have achieved.

I personally wouldn't give that up in your shoes. (Been married and very expensively divorcing a lying abusive cheater!)

As the mother of 2 teenage boys I think you're mad tbh.

I live apart from my partner of 5 years (who also has 2 young adults) because raising teens is hard enough without throwing in the grenade of an unrelated person coming to live with them.

I really don't think the idyllic married life you're dreaming of is going to be possible until they've moved out!