My boyfriend thinks its unfair I am working part time.

[AugustChild]

We have two daughters. My eldest (11) is to a previous relationship and my youngest (3) is my current partner. I was working around 30 hours a week when we had my mom on hand for childcare however my mom is unable to look after or do any of the school runs at the moment due to be being unwell. I took a bit of a higher job role in my current workplace - it is more money but currently less hours - only 21. I couldn't take the 28 hour contract due to worrying about childcare (mostly in the holidays as my little one is now at nursery each day). For some reason he thinks I continued with 30 hours although I did tell him it was a drop in hours, I cover extra shifts when I can. He has now blown up at me because I'm only contracted to 21 hours whilst he's working 40/50 hours and i explained the only reason i've not been doing extra is because of the childcare situation and needing to be back and forth for the school runs to take and pick up the little one. He says its unfair and that even though I'm doing less hours the house is a s hole. I'll admit the house is a bit messy due to having two kids and I do hate cleaning but i try to keep it clean and tidy. I do all the household chores, (he doesn't touch the household chores when he is off work) I cook his tea his every night, make sure he has clean clothes for work, anything to do with the kids I sort out. I pay the bills with the part time wage I earn and have to end up paying for a lot of food shopping or whatever the kids need. He's been really angry and disrespectful making out as though I do nothing because I'm not working 30 hours. Am i right to be upset? If he spoke to me properly about the situation rather than be disrespectful I'd try harder to cover some shifts/do more housework to pitch in but the way he has been tonight is making me not want to bother at all.

Exactly!

Additionally OP says she takes extra hours whenever she is able to. Coupled with the fact that she could only work 30 hours when her mum was able to look after the kids, this joker doesn’t pay for much at all!

There's a disparity in finances, chores and child rearing!

She clearly said he pays half of everything and then some, plus he pays the mortgage increase and new windows taken out on finance, his car and petrol, not sure where you are reading that he only pays for food?

Time for a more equal share in house work/school runs/childcare. He has it easy working and doing nothing else.

Never heard this phrase before, definitely storing away for my own husband :)

Not unfair at all! As long as he does half of everything you do. You can’t be expected to do everything else AND work full time. I am divorcing my husband for this. I work part time (60 hour weeks!) and he expected me to do all household chores, food shopping, etc.

She also said she covers all child expenses, so no he isn’t paying half if that is true. He isn’t contributing equally to the household with childcare, school runs or housework and yet he wants to bitch about it. I couldn’t be doing with this man baby. He’s not exactly a good Dad is he.

Maybe this has been asked....but you mention you pay the bills and most of the household expenses

So why does it matter to him what hours you're working when it doesnt sound like he is contributing to the household with the money he earns?

Sounds like a lot more to unpick than just what hours he thinks you should work. It sounds like he needs to understand the household finances and play a role in budgeting and management.

Division of labour should be more equal too if he is not helping in the house.

Sounds like you have 3 kids and one earns a wage just for themselves....

Glad to hear you've communicated better since your first post.

he says he jumped the gun and assumed I wasn’t going to work more than 21 hours
Some further discussion seems to be necessary about the low opinion he has of you/women that made him jump straight to this assumption without even checking if it was right.

Please could you find the post where she says he pays for half of all bills, plus mortgage, new windows, his car and petrol? And what is the then some?

I found one big food shop, mortgage, his car, his petrol and loan for new doors. (It wasn’t clear if the food shop was once a month or once a week).

This man child sounds like a grade A arsehole.

Honestly, I'd run for the hills on this one.

Yeah working 50 hours a week, paying mortgage, half the bills and food is soooo easy! He also agreed he would have to pick more house chores if she increased the hours so not sure what's your point.
Everyone is stressed about interest rates and cost of living. He didn't approach the subject in the most respectful way but it's something that has to be discussed and negotiated. He's not necessarily a monster and OP is not necessary better off getting rid of him. Especially that we only know one side of the story.

Remember it isn’t about paying half (especially if you are on a lower salary) but also doing half.

Also take a look with fresh eyes with what he is paying for. Are these shorter term loans so in 3-5 years he will have more money whilst you are still paying ongoing bills that never stop

@AugustChild this is a good start, but it sounds like you have absorbed most of the blame and essentially promised to bring more money home. He in turn has agreed he will do a bit of housework. Here's the problem though: he likely won't. I'd love him to prove me wrong but old habits die hard. So while you are out there, working increased hours and doing the school runs, please make sure he is holding up his end of the bargain. If he's not, you need to call him out.

Believe me, there are better men out there and if he's going to demand money from you while also treating you like a housewife, please get out. My mum wasted all her youth with a man like this and now she is old with so many regrets.

A lot of people on this thread seem to think that there is a big supply of men who are readily available. From my recollection of dating and seeing a lot of single women in their 40's struggling to meet the perfect man, maybe there's some compromise here. No-one is perfect.
It sounds like both has communicated their needs and he will step up and do more cleaning. At the same time lets not forget that if he is working 50 hours this could look like him working from 9am to 7pm and then add on a commute so this could be from 8-8. When he gets home from work he will be tired and exhausted and given its every week after a while this amount of hours can really grind you down. If you are working 21 hours, this means just over 4 hours a day. How is he supposed to do drop off and pick up with a 10 hour day and a commute. It's just not possible. If he works from home maybe he can do a drop off for 9am but would never be able to do a pick up.
In this situation, if I was doing 50 hours i would either hire a nanny to help or have someone support me with pick ups and drop offs which she is doing. When it comes to food, i would bulk cook at the weekend but let's not forget that when working 21 hours a week thats a huge amount of time and headspace to be able to do other things like cleaning which should only take 1 hour a day if you do it daily and don't let it get overwhelming plus she can get the eldest to pitch in and help as well.
If a woman was doing those hours people would think its completely unsustainable but this guy not only needs to do those hours but also needs to help with the rest when his partner has lots more "free time". If they need the extra money then they do need to ask themselves if paying for extra care will be better financially as it depends on how much the OP is paid.
My husband suggested having to do much longer hours around 50 hours a week and we discussed hiring a nanny as i work full time as well. We said that if the extra he makes can pay for the childcare then its worth pursuing. We can't have him working 50 hours and me working 40 hours a week. We would both be absolutely shattered and have no work life balance. We do hire a cleaner too as we don't want to spend weekends with kids cleaning too.

I think this is the most sensible response in 8 pages.

Yes! ^ this

Eurgh what an arsehole. If he wants you to work full time then he needs to do half the childcare, half the pick ups and drop offs, half the cleaning and half the cooking. Heck, even as it stands he should be doing a chunk of all of this! Why are men like this? Such disrespect for how much work kids, cleaning and cooking is. Oh wait, he knows how much work it is - that's why he doesn't do any of it 🙄 I go to work for a break 😅

Tell him to get fucked! It’s sounds like you’re the default parent who is expected to do Everything and work but still be there to get your children to and from school all while he doesn’t give it a second thought when he gets up for work in the morning! You have enough of a mental load with out this douche adding to it! Sorry if it sounds harsh

I would stop doing everything that you do for him and just concentrate on you and the kids, when he then says why haven't I got clean clothes? Where's my dinner etc just simply reply well you make me feel like I do nothing so this is what nothing looks like.....see how he likes it then.....

I work (I'm a woman) on average 48 hour weeks.

My DH is a stay at home dad so doesn't work at all. He looks after the kids, sorts the house cleaning, garden, food, shopping, etc. BUT I never consider I have the right to judge how well he does that or make statements about it. I am just so grateful he does it and to know my kids have him there and are happy.

I would certainly never expect him to sort out my clothes for work or otherwise (I'm not a 3rd child). When I'm on holidays I do a bit more indoors/with the kids such as all of their washing and a bit of cooking (he's better at that than me though!).

All of the time I tend to lead on buying their clothes/sorting through old ones, sorting out birthday parties, planning and booking days out and holidays. Hobbies on Friday night I tend to deal with, as well as the one they do on a Tuesday. Others my DH takes them to.

Why are you paying all the bills and a lot of the other costs alone? What does he pay for?

He honestly sounds mean and ungrateful. Why are you with him?

In my experience (which is think paid work is the only work. Because they dont have a natural inclination to do boring menial tasks like washing and ironing own clothes for work! There are many who's mothers did everything for them so it's like there are piles upon piles of work they cannot see. And if they did see they wouldn't want to do it because its endless unpaid thankless work that isn't appreciated or valued 99% of the time.

I've worked full time - and I've worked part time in my life. I've had a child grow to adult and felt the blissful freedom of only having to do paid work. I now work part time and have a young child and that is MUCH harder and MUCH lower paid. Is he offering to swap? Like you work 'full' time and do nothing else and he work 'just' part time. That would help him with his ignorance and he'd either fail miserably or actually get that unpaid work doesn't mean that its not work! Ooh it makes me cross. How can you judge something as easy when you've NEVER been competent enough to do the role.

My husband works 40 hours a week I don't work right now he's always amazing he never complains because he looks after me my world

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