My boyfriend thinks its unfair I am working part time.

[AugustChild]

We have two daughters. My eldest (11) is to a previous relationship and my youngest (3) is my current partner. I was working around 30 hours a week when we had my mom on hand for childcare however my mom is unable to look after or do any of the school runs at the moment due to be being unwell. I took a bit of a higher job role in my current workplace - it is more money but currently less hours - only 21. I couldn't take the 28 hour contract due to worrying about childcare (mostly in the holidays as my little one is now at nursery each day). For some reason he thinks I continued with 30 hours although I did tell him it was a drop in hours, I cover extra shifts when I can. He has now blown up at me because I'm only contracted to 21 hours whilst he's working 40/50 hours and i explained the only reason i've not been doing extra is because of the childcare situation and needing to be back and forth for the school runs to take and pick up the little one. He says its unfair and that even though I'm doing less hours the house is a s hole. I'll admit the house is a bit messy due to having two kids and I do hate cleaning but i try to keep it clean and tidy. I do all the household chores, (he doesn't touch the household chores when he is off work) I cook his tea his every night, make sure he has clean clothes for work, anything to do with the kids I sort out. I pay the bills with the part time wage I earn and have to end up paying for a lot of food shopping or whatever the kids need. He's been really angry and disrespectful making out as though I do nothing because I'm not working 30 hours. Am i right to be upset? If he spoke to me properly about the situation rather than be disrespectful I'd try harder to cover some shifts/do more housework to pitch in but the way he has been tonight is making me not want to bother at all.

Start billing him for half the "childcare" you provide.

OP, set up a joint account, each pay into it based on your relative earnings and all family bills, including child care and supplies, are paid from that account.

Then make a list and divide all chores in the same way, so if he pays 70% and you 30% you take 70% of the chores and he 30%. So you do more of the daily housework and he puts in more money. If he then wants change, he puts in less if you can put in more, but he take the same percentage of additional chores as he is putting in less money.

I think you know yourself that he's not good enough. So what do you plan to do about it?

He sounds like a knob. I don't work, my partner works 48 hours a week plus overtimesshifts. I do school runs, college runs, shopping, washing, housework, cooking, after school clubs. My partner also does a huge contribution to these also on his days off, or when he gets in from work. Finishes a night shift and will empty the dishwasher, put bins out.etc he would never ever dream of saying I don't do enough. I personally think he's been very unreasonable.

The biggest problem you have is that he is so disrespectful towards you. He needs to apologise for being such a pig or you need to think about leaving him.

Has he ever given childcare a second thought?
Has he given the children a Second Thought?

Make him work out the cost of Childcare in terms of payment for hours worked by you and him.

Your bf is an unreasonable bully.

If you are doing everything at home, for him, and you have two children then you shouldn't be working at all. I know alot of people don't like the old fashioned way these days but I personally don't see anything wrong in it and feel when financially able it massively benifits the children and family for a parent to stay home. In saying this yes the household chores should be taken care off.

However you are working 21 hours, doing everything at home looking after the children. You are doing more than enough.

Tell him he isn't being fair and explain if you go back to longer hours he can take responsibility and get cover for the school run and child care and he can pay for it too as it seems he doesn't share financially either. Tell him he has to cook and clean up a certain amount of times and tell him he can do the ironing if you do the washing ect. He can also take turns on changing the bedding and doing and paying for the food shop. Along with all the other jobs also.

It seems he wants it all. You to be the 50s housewife who does everything but he wants you to have a full time job too. Doesn't work like that. He needs to have a taste of everything you actually do for the family to realise you are a mum, a partner, a human being and not someone to do everything and still bring in a pretty wage.

"Among adults who did some form of unpaid childcare (10.2 million, 20%)[...] as a main activity in March 2023, they spent a daily average of 2 hours and 15 minutes [...] doing these activities, respectively. [...] the amount of time women spent on average doing unpaid household work (10.9%, 2 hours and 37 minutes)" https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/personalandhouseholdfinances/incomeandwealth/bulletins/timeuseintheuk/march2023

If you're around the daily average, that's almost 16 hours a week you're spending on childcare and roughly 18 hours doing household work = 34 hours a week. If you're around the average.

My exh was also blind to the value I brought to our household, OP, and in retrospect prevented me from earning more by refusing to look after sick children or do school runs, etc. Then he had an affair and we broke up. These selfish types are often selfish in more ways than one. Protect yourself, think of your future.

And congratulations on your new job role. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job, running a household and getting promoted!

Sorry that you are in this situation but I suppose you already know there is something really wrong with this man. He sounds very lazy and like he has no appreciation for what you do- that's the only reason he expects you to basically be a housewife and bring in money. He sounds like my dad. No surprises my parents are now divorced.

I don't have kids but work part time. My DH has absolutely no problem with this. I still contribute to bills and everything else, though we've never split anything down the middle because it's about being a team. Currently pregnant and he knows I'll only work 2 days a week after mat leave. He's more than happy with this because the cost of childcare is insane and also it means his child will be cared for on most days by their mother, something a decent man can appreciate. Also DH does at least half of the housework. Actually he has been doing all of it recently as I'm struggling a bit with the pregnancy.

Your boyfriend is a d*head.

you need to sit down together alone and work out what needs doing and then split accordingly so its half each

laundry 60 minutes includes stripping beds, emptying laundry baskets etc
ironing 30 minutes, includes sorting clothing, before and after washing, pegging on line etc
grocery shopping 90 minutes travelling to the supermarkets and any top up shopping during the week
cooking 120 minutes preparing and cooking every day then clearing the plates etc afterwards
hoovering 15 minutes entire house
cleaning bathroom 15 minutes
cleaning kitchen 15 minutes
cleaning lounge 15 minutes
cleaning bedrooms 15 minutes
nursery drop offs and pick ups 6 hour per day, travelling to nursery, doing handover etc all takes time

thats 15 hours per week of jobs at least

No. He is in the wrong. You have to do school runs and cleaning and work. .He will need to take over some of the childcare and cleaning if you increase your hours. But the risk is he might say he will then won't do much.

This is such a terrible attitude he has. Born out of sheer ignorance. He thinks a few more hours of paid work is harder than housework, cooking, school runs and care of two children? I can only assume because he's never done cooking housework and care of a 3 year old....

Golden opportunity to swap with him - how about he does 30 hours, does the cooking, housework and school runs and looks after the 3 year old and 11 old whilst you just do 40 hours and put your feet up the rest of the time and criticise him if he can't do it. More than likely he could not do it and will find convenient reasons as to why he cannot swap x ungrateful, ignorant, dismissive, disrespectful man who lives away with the fairies if he thinks your deal is easier than his. He'd be begging to swap back within a month if boot was on other foot!

The OP can’t bin him off because he’s paying the mortgage and they’re not married. Well I suppose she could but she would definitely have to work more and I assume would still end up doing the majority of the household chores.

OP - I would suggest you don’t cut your hours for too long. I’m a part time worker and older than you and I can really see the impact that has had on my pension. I am married however I know it may seem a long way off but you need to consider it. I would reconsider whether managing the school run is a good enough reason to reduce your hours from the 28 hour contract.

Do you have more feet up time than he does? Surely that’s the only relevant question in a relationship re. division of labour/tasks

Sounds like you have a man child living with a mother not a partner. Regardless of who works longer, he is still contributing to the mess the house becomes, therefore the house duties needs to be shared. If he picks the kids up sometimes you could work longer. Did he want kids? If so he has a duty to help at home. Otherwise he's just another kid you're caring for.

What an unappreciative disrespectful ass. I work FT as does my partner. We do 50:50 on chores, childcare, nursery dropoff, general mental load. I find childcare more exhausting than work. How dare he imply you're being lazy. Do not put up with this.

If he's unhappy working the crazy hours you need to take on more hours and he drops hours but takes over some school runs and household jobs. 21 hours a week is less than 3 days, given he's currently working over double what you are I think the fairest thing to do would be you pick up an extra day. Or both of you go full time and use wraparound care, holidays you can use holiday camps. We have 3 children aged 2-7, we both work ft hours, everything is literally 50/50, we both bring in similar amounts, both work similar hours, no one is mad that one person has an easy life whilst the other is killing themselves doing long hours (we did have this at one point due to maternity leaves and I think it was wholly unfair my husband was working crazy hours whilst I swanned about going to baby classes). Both working similar, contributing both in terms of now and the future into a pension is fair and gives everyone balance. Once your youngest is in school things will be much easier, we are lucky nursery is part of the school and is available from 7.30-6pm, yes it costs but everyone is happy. We found the right balance and can both further our careers too.

sorry posted in error

@SamJL474 Probably best to start your own thread, as your comment is going to get lost here on somebody else's.

First time posting and had just realised this. 😊

I think he’s being unfair, but I don’t agree with all the comments of ‘he can do half the work himself’.

practically of course he can but let’s look at what OP actually said; he’s working 40-50 hours a week. I mean I work 37.5 hours a week and I don’t have time to do school runs or lots of housework either.

He was unreasonable to treat you like that and he needs to review his priorities. But in reality he doesn’t have time to do school runs or help with childcare. Working c50 hours I assume he’s either in a high pressure job where the culture doesn’t allow flexible working, or he’s in a low paid job where finances don’t allow shorter hours.

Look at the cost of childcare and a regular cleaner, and discuss it with him. Give the option of you doing more hours, but it comes at a financial cost which may make it pointless.

He should be doing his fair share, but a fair share doesn’t always mean 50%. It’s proportionate to the effort he can actually feasibly expend given his work commitments. If you’re only working c4.5 hours a day, I do think you should be able to keep the house clean yourself, OR pay out for a cleaner. We both work full time (both same hours) and manage to do it between us, with kids as well.

He sounds awful and abusive.

Is he prepared to share anything bar the morgage?

No housework, no childcare, no laundry, no cooking.

Sounds like a nasty arsehole.

Price up childcare for twenty extra hours a week for the year

Price up a cleaner for four hours a week.

Explain that he will be doing 50% of nursery drop off and collections, that he will be on the nursery emergency call list. Give him the weekly list of his days and explain that these are non negotiable.

Explain what his share of the weekly household maintenance tasks will be re cooking, cleaning, washing, evening childcare tasks, shopping, weekend childcare tasks. Give him the weekly list of his tasks.

I agree with you ! I can never understand these posts where the couples split bills 50/50 - I have been happily married 30 years with two grown up kids.husband and i have had various working patterns over the years including a period when the kids were young when i worked fulltime and he looked after the kids and home . We have never really argued over who does what and always had a joint account and pooled our money. I couldn't imagine how exhausting it would be to argue all the time over who does what in the home and as for splitting bills etc I couldn't imagine considering doing that ! Creates far too much stress in a relationship.if ever there was issues over housework then we would talk about in a jokey way. We share cooking but my husband still doesn't know how to work the washing machine lol!