My boyfriend thinks its unfair I am working part time.

[AugustChild]

We have two daughters. My eldest (11) is to a previous relationship and my youngest (3) is my current partner. I was working around 30 hours a week when we had my mom on hand for childcare however my mom is unable to look after or do any of the school runs at the moment due to be being unwell. I took a bit of a higher job role in my current workplace - it is more money but currently less hours - only 21. I couldn't take the 28 hour contract due to worrying about childcare (mostly in the holidays as my little one is now at nursery each day). For some reason he thinks I continued with 30 hours although I did tell him it was a drop in hours, I cover extra shifts when I can. He has now blown up at me because I'm only contracted to 21 hours whilst he's working 40/50 hours and i explained the only reason i've not been doing extra is because of the childcare situation and needing to be back and forth for the school runs to take and pick up the little one. He says its unfair and that even though I'm doing less hours the house is a s hole. I'll admit the house is a bit messy due to having two kids and I do hate cleaning but i try to keep it clean and tidy. I do all the household chores, (he doesn't touch the household chores when he is off work) I cook his tea his every night, make sure he has clean clothes for work, anything to do with the kids I sort out. I pay the bills with the part time wage I earn and have to end up paying for a lot of food shopping or whatever the kids need. He's been really angry and disrespectful making out as though I do nothing because I'm not working 30 hours. Am i right to be upset? If he spoke to me properly about the situation rather than be disrespectful I'd try harder to cover some shifts/do more housework to pitch in but the way he has been tonight is making me not want to bother at all.

She described her house as a shit tip @CosyNightsOnTheSofa
No, he describes it as a shit tip. She says that the kids make it "a bit messy" but she does her best to keep it clean and tidy.

Christ on a bike OP. Raise your expectations. If he truly won't shape up and pull his weight get rid of him! He is AWFUL. Better alone than putting up with this shit.

Somehow I suspect this is a man who would not do cleaning in any circumstances and think it's your role in life to give him a clean house.

Net mums mums net it's all the same thing tbh (op leave) (b4 someone says something else super classy and nasty) I vote to leave too good luck and talk to ure hubby xx

sounds like you are working around the clock UNPAID, except 21 hours is paid by another a-hole called an "employer".

Wow, so believing you were also working full time,he was happy for you to do absolutely everything else,children,house etc plus foot the bills?
What exactly do you get from this relationship? Certainly not respect and consideration.

Ah - he has a case of Schrödingers mum- you do all the grift but are also expected to bring in close to full time money too

So you work, do all the school runs, all the childcare, cover all the bills and things the kids need. He occasionally pays for a bit of food.

What does he bring to the relationship? The sex must be bloody amazing to put up with that shit.

Why is he CHOOSING to work 50 hour weeks with a partner and kids at home? It's not for the money cos he ain't paying for anything.

Honestly I don't say it often but this is LTB territory

Make a spreadsheet.
For hours now and expenses
and then another for you going back to work full time, include hiring a cleaner and child care costs.
Log the hours done.
list all the responsibilities and allocate them 50/50.

A discussion can turn emotive but numbers don’t lie.

If OP is working (say) 0900-1315h now, and 30 hours would be 0900-1500h, can't see how that massively changes the holiday childcare situation as some would be needed anyway?

Pick up the extra hours and get a cleaner, as you don't like cleaning anyway!!

Has she said how much her mortgage is? Or how much her bills are? She said He does one BIG food shop, she gets the rest of the bits.
Either way it doesn’t really matter, she has the luxury of sitting on her bum for 30 hours a week more than he does, the least she could do is tidy the house.

He’s paying the mortgage, did you miss that bit? 🙃

OP already said that she does keep the house tidy and clean!

What's your point?

Unless he's earning enough to pay the mortgage, all bills, all food, pension contributions for the OP and for each of them to have some reasonable spending money, he can't afford to have a stay at home wife who does all the childcare and all the chores.

So why is he expecting the OP to do all the childcare and all the chores?

I have a feeling that if OP worked full time, her partner would only do 25% of all child related things, citing that since only one child is his, then she does 50% for her child, and 25% for the child they share!

And I suspect that this is why they have separate finances as well!

Wtf is he not covering any childcare costs or anything for the kids? He isn’t paying half OP wake up! Paying for HIS car and petrol isn’t half when you’re already paying for yours. If you’re paying for the bills it sounds like you’re spending a disproportionate amount of your wages compared to him. 50:50 is not reasonable if you’re not on the same salary! I’d want to dump this loser who sounds straight from the 1950s

I think you’re right and I couldn’t be in a relationship with anyone who treated my child as other and wasn’t actively involved with both. That must be so awkward and uncomfortable, especially for the oldest child?

My point is you said he doesn’t contribute towards anything 😂How so, when he’s paying the mortgage?

She works 21 hours a week, even if she works 5 days a week that’s 4 hours a day, if she drops the kids at school at 9 and picks them up at 3 she has time in between to at least run the hoover round or put some washing away.
I also work 20 hours a week, DP works 50 - we have a 3 year old and three older children, I study two days a week once in a morning and once in an evening and to be frank I’d be ashamed of myself if I was living in a sh!thole given the free time I have.
If it was the other way around and DP was working 20 hours and her 50 and she was coming home to a dump every day you’d all have something to say about that and tell her to get rid 😂 Men bashers in here, honestly it’s pathetic.

Offer him the school runs and cleaning as a trade for the extra hours. Sounds like you’d have more time to yourself that way 🤣

@AugustChild you are not married, and he pays the mortgage. You say the house is 50/50 but if you ever separated you could find that he makes a claim for more than half as he has paid the mortgage.

I would insist on a joint account for mortgage and both bills that you both pay into.

You can’t work outside the house full time and provide childcare full time and clean full time.

As others have suggested, list all the hours you work at home and at your job. Talk to him about a fair distribution of chores.

Working 40-50 hours per week doesn’t excuse him from anything. I’ve worked 46 hours this week (paid for 18), and expect to have worked another 12 unpaid by the end of Friday, so 58 total. I will still do all the cleaning and laundry on Sunday after moving DC to uni on Saturday, plus Thurs/Fri school runs.

I'll admit the house is a bit messy due to having two kids and I do hate cleaning but i try to keep it clean and tidy

She tries, not does. It’s not difficult to clean a house tbh. I’m almost certain that he couldn’t complain it is a pigsty if it was ACTUALLY clean & tidy.

oP, if you’re paying half the bills what is your boyfriends issue?

Rightly or wrongly is it that he wants you to work more because you have a child from a previous relationship so he thinks it should be more 70/30 than 50/50? Tbf if I got with a man with a child I’d expect him to bring in more.

I think set ups like this where couples are unmarried and have separate finances yet are raising children can be a bit tricky. It’s difficult to know who exactly at fault without knowing if he would prefer to work less but do more around the house and if it really is 50/50 currently?

The childcare costs are mostly for the shared child so is it worth upping your hours and then splitting the nursery fees? And this way your pension isn’t affected.

This. 100%.

Are his fucking arms painted on? And what is his contribution to the childcare??

Hi everyone. We had a serious chat (after a huge argument) I must admit it wasn’t my finest hour and I was pretty furious. It wasn’t my plan to continue only doing 21 hours, I usually cover shifts as and when possible (when kids are at school) he thought I was saying I was going to continue on 21 hours, I expressed I just meant that was my contracted hours, he says he jumped the gun and assumed I wasn’t going to work more than 21 hours when we really need the money. It seemed to be a miscommunication. I’ve expressed that if I’m doing extra hours and all the school runs then he needs to cook and clean/take on household chores too as it shouldn’t be all one sided. He seemed to agree. So whilst I haven’t forgot his crappy/disrespectful behaviour, I will see if he keeps to his word. Meanwhile if he keeps to his word I will keep to mine. Thank you so much for all your comments and advice