Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend thinks its unfair I am working part time.

198 replies

AugustChild · 12/09/2023 22:29

We have two daughters. My eldest (11) is to a previous relationship and my youngest (3) is my current partner. I was working around 30 hours a week when we had my mom on hand for childcare however my mom is unable to look after or do any of the school runs at the moment due to be being unwell. I took a bit of a higher job role in my current workplace - it is more money but currently less hours - only 21. I couldn't take the 28 hour contract due to worrying about childcare (mostly in the holidays as my little one is now at nursery each day). For some reason he thinks I continued with 30 hours although I did tell him it was a drop in hours, I cover extra shifts when I can. He has now blown up at me because I'm only contracted to 21 hours whilst he's working 40/50 hours and i explained the only reason i've not been doing extra is because of the childcare situation and needing to be back and forth for the school runs to take and pick up the little one. He says its unfair and that even though I'm doing less hours the house is a s hole. I'll admit the house is a bit messy due to having two kids and I do hate cleaning but i try to keep it clean and tidy. I do all the household chores, (he doesn't touch the household chores when he is off work) I cook his tea his every night, make sure he has clean clothes for work, anything to do with the kids I sort out. I pay the bills with the part time wage I earn and have to end up paying for a lot of food shopping or whatever the kids need. He's been really angry and disrespectful making out as though I do nothing because I'm not working 30 hours. Am i right to be upset? If he spoke to me properly about the situation rather than be disrespectful I'd try harder to cover some shifts/do more housework to pitch in but the way he has been tonight is making me not want to bother at all.

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 13/09/2023 03:15

You are not married so really you need to put yourself first and work full time. You can then split the childcare bill and all other bills and chores so it's equal.

At any point you could split up and you get no compensation for the years of pension lost, no splitting of savings etc

rwalker · 13/09/2023 05:24

I think his point is your at home 20/30 hours a week more than him
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the person at home to do the lions share of the house

by your own admission it’s a mess

WandaWonder · 13/09/2023 06:07

rwalker · 13/09/2023 05:24

I think his point is your at home 20/30 hours a week more than him
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the person at home to do the lions share of the house

by your own admission it’s a mess

This, sure the common theme these days is no matter what a man says is wrong but not in this case

autienotnaughty · 13/09/2023 06:20

I work 10 hours a week. I do all the housework while dh is at work. I do all childcare for our children apart from occasionally in holidays we ask grandparents to help. I deal with all mental load - appointments, clubs, activities, etc

On a evening dh gets in around 630 has tea and helps put kids to bed. On a weekend everything is 50:50.

We completely respect each others roles, dh knows he couldn't be at home with kids and I do not have the earning capability dh does (dh earns 10x my wage)

Your dp sounds like a dick I would seriously consider if you want to stay in a relationship with him.

If you do stay with him you need to sit down and look at your finances , he presumably earns more so should pay in more. Something like 75/25. That includes food etc. look at how much more you would earn if you work the extra 9 hours and how much childcare would cost and decide wether it's worth you increasing your hours. He needs to understand that you are probably better off working less hours.

mycoffeecup · 13/09/2023 06:27

Fine, you'll go full time, and of course he'll do half the school runs, take half of the mental load, do half of the house admin and take half of the days off when kids are sick.

he might not be so keen when you put it like that........

Oblomov23 · 13/09/2023 06:34

His requests are unreasonable. Red flags. How can you not see this?

MintJulia · 13/09/2023 06:39

Insommmmnia · 12/09/2023 22:43

So he wants a housewife and a full time working partner at the same time and with kids that he basically does nothing for?

What a prick

This.

Tell him to take half days for a week, do all school runs, childcare, cooking, cleaning and tidying the house, in addition to his half-days. Only once he's done that and succeeded, does he even have the right to express an opinion.

And then split cooking and household chores between you, and insist he does his share, every week.

What does he think you are, housekeep and nanny rolled into one? Honestly, your life would be much better without a bone-idle creep like that.

Velvian · 13/09/2023 06:54

Ask him to cut down his hours. See what he says.

NellyTimes · 13/09/2023 06:55

rwalker · 13/09/2023 05:24

I think his point is your at home 20/30 hours a week more than him
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the person at home to do the lions share of the house

by your own admission it’s a mess

She does do the lions share, but he wants her to work more hours on top of that without offering any help or childcare solutions.

PermanentTemporary · 13/09/2023 07:01

I'd be a bit upset if my partner dropped hours without discussing it with me, but you sound completely disconnected from each other so it's not surprising.

What does he think he's doing to contribute to the household? Always interesting to know how he perceives his contribution and whether he thinks it's enough.

What's his suggestion for improving the state of the house, other than you doing it?

Hiddenvoice · 13/09/2023 07:02

Well if he’s going to start doing the school runs, sort childcare during holidays and take care of the home
then he could reduce his hours and you could work full time!

I work part time and my dh works 45 hours. We’ve managed to adjust things so we have a day at home together. I do the majority of the childcare since dh is at work and he’s sad he misses out. He FaceTimes at dinner time and phones before bedtime. I’m up really early for work so he does the morning routine and does the morning drop off so I can leave early and do
pick up. We both share the housework! It’s both our homes and with a toddler it can sometimes be impossible to keep clean but he helps with everything and its not seen as my job.

Your dh seems more angry that he wasn’t listening when you told him about the change of hours. I’d put your foot down and tell him to get over it. If he can’t then he needs to change his hours etc.

Vallmo47 · 13/09/2023 07:08

OP everyone is right and he’s being massively unreasonable. Why isn’t he contributing half to bills, he should be paying more in fact seeing as you work less hours and your role in the house and with the kids is unpaid.
I would sit down with a long list of everything you do and say if you go full time again he needs to do half of everything on the list as well as contribute more to the bills.
He sounds ungrateful and mean.

blahblahblah1654 · 13/09/2023 07:09

Wow he sounds delightful. Maybe he should get off his backside and do some housework. You shouldn't be expected to do everything even if you work less hours. I can guarantee if you went back full time he'd still do sod all.

Epidote · 13/09/2023 07:12

He is s jealous of you earning more money working less our outside the house.
He is lazy
He is entitled
He thinks the house and kids is a women work

Cut his shit now before it turns worse.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/09/2023 07:24

I hope your dc hasn't inherited his brains. He's not very bright is he?

Work it out op - he does 40-50 hours per week - you do 21 + all childcare + all housework = far more than 50 hours per week.

What are you getting out of this relationship op?

RedHelenB · 13/09/2023 07:29

I'm really surprised Nobel of this was discussed at the time, including you doing all the housework Time yo sit down and have a serious talk about your life as it is and how to change it to what you want it to be.

JoyceBarry · 13/09/2023 07:35

I'd be getting a full time job because I'd want to be financially independent from this twat.

Zanatdy · 13/09/2023 07:40

Well tell him he’s now responsible for half the school runs and you’re going to up your hours. Tell him he’s doing half the chores too

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 13/09/2023 07:44

I don’t do my dhs laundry. He does his own. There’s a start. Also, if he thinks the house is a shit hole why doesn’t HE do something about it? He needs to cook on some nights too. Why are you paying for everything?

Original poster
AugustChild · 13/09/2023 07:58

No he does pay half. The mortgage and a couple bills and his car/petrol etc

OP posts:
AlrightThen · 13/09/2023 08:09

Yes, you're right to be upset.

On the other hand, some men could force you to work part time only and pay for everything so that you can't save up and leave.

So you just need to get him to understand you.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/09/2023 08:12

What’s he doing with his money?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/09/2023 08:15

If he expects you to currently pay half the bills, and expects you to work half the total hours worked in a job, then he needs to do half the housework and half the childcare.

He can't have his cake and eat it.

Barbiesback · 13/09/2023 08:17

I would ask him to move out. Is it your house? Is this issue really about the finicial aspect what percent are you paying? Why is he working 50 hours each week if there are 2 of you earning?.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/09/2023 08:52

AugustChild · 13/09/2023 07:58

No he does pay half. The mortgage and a couple bills and his car/petrol etc

He should pay far more than half op.

Genuinely, how have the two of you not realised that if one party is contributing all childcare, all housework, then OF COURSE that party should contribute less finances than the party who is contributing zero he or childcare.

Swipe left for the next trending thread