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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend thinks its unfair I am working part time.

198 replies

AugustChild · 12/09/2023 22:29

We have two daughters. My eldest (11) is to a previous relationship and my youngest (3) is my current partner. I was working around 30 hours a week when we had my mom on hand for childcare however my mom is unable to look after or do any of the school runs at the moment due to be being unwell. I took a bit of a higher job role in my current workplace - it is more money but currently less hours - only 21. I couldn't take the 28 hour contract due to worrying about childcare (mostly in the holidays as my little one is now at nursery each day). For some reason he thinks I continued with 30 hours although I did tell him it was a drop in hours, I cover extra shifts when I can. He has now blown up at me because I'm only contracted to 21 hours whilst he's working 40/50 hours and i explained the only reason i've not been doing extra is because of the childcare situation and needing to be back and forth for the school runs to take and pick up the little one. He says its unfair and that even though I'm doing less hours the house is a s hole. I'll admit the house is a bit messy due to having two kids and I do hate cleaning but i try to keep it clean and tidy. I do all the household chores, (he doesn't touch the household chores when he is off work) I cook his tea his every night, make sure he has clean clothes for work, anything to do with the kids I sort out. I pay the bills with the part time wage I earn and have to end up paying for a lot of food shopping or whatever the kids need. He's been really angry and disrespectful making out as though I do nothing because I'm not working 30 hours. Am i right to be upset? If he spoke to me properly about the situation rather than be disrespectful I'd try harder to cover some shifts/do more housework to pitch in but the way he has been tonight is making me not want to bother at all.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/09/2023 09:48

CosyNightsOnTheSofa · 14/09/2023 09:18

If he's unhappy working the crazy hours you need to take on more hours and he drops hours but takes over some school runs and household jobs. 21 hours a week is less than 3 days, given he's currently working over double what you are I think the fairest thing to do would be you pick up an extra day. Or both of you go full time and use wraparound care, holidays you can use holiday camps. We have 3 children aged 2-7, we both work ft hours, everything is literally 50/50, we both bring in similar amounts, both work similar hours, no one is mad that one person has an easy life whilst the other is killing themselves doing long hours (we did have this at one point due to maternity leaves and I think it was wholly unfair my husband was working crazy hours whilst I swanned about going to baby classes). Both working similar, contributing both in terms of now and the future into a pension is fair and gives everyone balance. Once your youngest is in school things will be much easier, we are lucky nursery is part of the school and is available from 7.30-6pm, yes it costs but everyone is happy. We found the right balance and can both further our careers too.

But it's not as thought the OP is sitting on her arse the rest of the time is it?

And she's paying the bills, the food and the kids' expenses. Wonder who pays for the nursery?
She cooks his meals, does his laundry and by the sounds of it he doesn't lift a finger at home.
Also picking up extra shifts when she can

Doesn't sound that unequal to me.

Toodlepip100 · 14/09/2023 09:49

This sounds like my life OP,only my children are older,but they still need you.I have kept putting off leaving,it’s worse when your children are older to make that decision.seriously these men are a joke,I’ve enabled my situation I know that.! Make a stand NOW or get out .

Wonderway19 · 14/09/2023 09:58

She doesn’t clean though, and I assume that’s his big bare.

80s · 14/09/2023 10:01

I'll admit the house is a bit messy due to having two kids and I do hate cleaning but i try to keep it clean and tidy.
OP does clean.

Cr4 · 14/09/2023 10:01

You are not crazy to be upset, and don't allow him off. Tell or explain to him again that you are doing at least 3 or more unpaid jobs ( at home ), while working. Being a part time or full time mum, is hard. Stand your ground, you are doing a fantastic job.

IsleofSkies · 14/09/2023 10:05

It's interesting that you call him your 'boyfriend' rather than 'partner' when you have a child and are living as a family.

He is treating you appallingly.

It's sad you have to ask and can't see it.

Basically, you are his maid.

All his clothes are washed and ready, meals on the table, you take care of the finances and pay (not sure how much he contributes to that) and yet he has the nerve to complain about your reduction in house because your Mum can't do the same amount of childcare.

In all honesty, I'd show him the door.

Why are you with a man who behaves like this?

JoanOfAllTrades · 14/09/2023 10:09

Wonderway19 · 14/09/2023 06:47

The man hate on this site is ridiculous.
Last week I saw a post the opposite of this, OP was working full time, DP was part time and aside from the school run and cooking her tea did nothing and HE was the lazy pig that needed the boot, but now because this is a woman it’s ok??
OP - if you’re working less hours and bringing less money into the home you should be picking up the extra bits, ensuring the house isn’t a pig sty etc - if you’re only working 21 hours a week you either have a day off or have time either side of the school run to be doing some cleaning at least so you’re not living in a hovel.
Albeit DP should have spoken to you with respect about the issue but maybe he felt you’d been disloyal if you’d not categorically told him you wouldn’t be earning as much now and he’s surprised at how little your financial contribution is now in comparison? I’d be annoyed at DP also if we suddenly had less income than I was expecting.

For reference I’m in the same situation (without the angst) - I work 20 hours a week due to childcare, (study for 6 hours a week also across two days) He works 50 hours a week, his income is 3 x Higher than mine. Week days when I am not working I pick up the slack in my hours off, I cook, clean, make teas, lunches, do the washing, sort the children out with pick ups / drop offs etc and have the house in good order - weekends he chips in too & I have Saturday ‘off duties’ and he has Sunday. Communication is key. You need to speak to him & he needs to speak to you, respectfully.

But OP said she pays the bills and food shopping out of her wages as well. So what’s the point in having a main breadwinner, if she’s doing that?

Hubblebubble · 14/09/2023 10:12

Don't do his clothes. Even if you're not willing to cut down on the rest of the domestic labour, he needs to start appreciating what you do. Some men only see what you do when you stop.

I'd also suggest stopping cooking for him. He's a grown man.

JoanOfAllTrades · 14/09/2023 10:23

@AugustChild

Is your house a burglar deterrent? No? Then it’s fine! Well, either way it would be fine if you think about it 😉

kristophersmum2008 · 14/09/2023 10:27

The nursery (private if both are working is expensive) I was easy 1000 for both kids many years ago but then tax credits paid the majority (I don't know how things are now)

OldFashionedValuesModernIdeas · 14/09/2023 10:32

As a mum you work hard at home and at work.
Next time your partner has a moan, hand him a nappy and say "If your gonna act like a kid you'll need to wear this. I hold down a part time job with occasion extra shifts, look after the house and bring up 2 children which means I work over 100 hours a week for a lot less pay per hour than you get. If you do like something get off you backside and help me in the house then we can both rest and be happy in the evening!"
If you continues to argue give him a pacifier and tell him to shut up.
I'm nearly 50 and believe all work at home should be shared equally.

GoryBory · 14/09/2023 10:39

So combined you’re doing 61-71 hours a week.

Is it possible to both do 30 hours
and then split housework etc 50/50.

If I was working 50/60 hours a week and coming home to a messy home then I would be a bit annoyed.
I’d also be jealous that my DH was only working 21 hours whilst I was doing triple that.

Your 3 y/o should get free hours at nursery.
Could you both see if you can do long hours 10/12 per day and so them over fewer days.

If you both worked 3 days a week for 10 hours then you’d be both doing 30 hours a week (60 combined) and would only need to use nursery one the one day which you should get for free.

shearwater · 14/09/2023 10:46

Tell him to get to fuck. Life would be so much easier without a third child dependent on you, i.e. him.

VesperLynne · 14/09/2023 10:55

shearwater · 14/09/2023 10:46

Tell him to get to fuck. Life would be so much easier without a third child dependent on you, i.e. him.

And how would she pay the mortgage ?.

shearwater · 14/09/2023 11:00

VesperLynne · 14/09/2023 10:55

And how would she pay the mortgage ?.

Show quote history

On her own, as she does now.

TheClitterati · 14/09/2023 11:06

Well you could agree to go full time and he can pay for the childcare, cleaner and do the school run.

That will start to address the huge imbalance in your lives.

It sounds like he expects you to work full time and be a full time SAHM. What a prick.

Blokes like this must be magical in bed.

Scienceadvisory · 14/09/2023 11:07

shearwater · 14/09/2023 11:00

On her own, as she does now.

Show quote history

Except she doesn't because the OP says they both pay.

Asparagusluvva · 14/09/2023 11:08

Yes , you have every right to be upset. If you wrote down every single thing you did to include any unpaid chores and duties, including any and ALL housework, childcare , cooking , laundry , school runs , appointments etc, I’m sure your hours would exceed his.

horseyhorsey17 · 14/09/2023 11:09

He's angry that you're not enough of a skivvy!? And what exactly is he doing as it sounds like you're doing everything?

CosyNightsOnTheSofa · 14/09/2023 11:10

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2023 09:48

But it's not as thought the OP is sitting on her arse the rest of the time is it?

And she's paying the bills, the food and the kids' expenses. Wonder who pays for the nursery?
She cooks his meals, does his laundry and by the sounds of it he doesn't lift a finger at home.
Also picking up extra shifts when she can

Doesn't sound that unequal to me.

Show quote history

She described her house as a shit tip and only works 21 hours with a 3 year old and 11 year old, she hasn't got 3 under 3. unless the school run takes 19 hours a week how can her house be a mess? He's working 50 hours a week, he shouldn't have to do 50/50 when they aren't working the same, the person at home working less hours should po k up the slack. Imagine if a man worked 21 hours a week and a woman posted that she worked 50 hours and her husband expected her to cook and clean, it'd be a chorus of cocklodger!

As for money if they have a child together their money should be 1 pot so neither are paying for anything specific, strange way to live saying you pay for xyz when you live together with kids. I've no idea what my wage pays for, it just pays the bills together with my husband's wage and whatever is left is savings, it was the same on maternity leave when I had a period of lower pay, we just carried on as normal but the monthly savings decreased.

ParkingTrouble123 · 14/09/2023 11:11

Just tell him “OK fine, I’ll work full time and we’ll do childcare 50:50”.

Thats 50:50 drop offs, 50:50 sick days, 50:50 school holiday cover, the lot. Oh and don’t forget 50:50 housework. Perhaps once he realises how much extra work and stress it will entail for him, he’ll understand.

kristophersmum2008 · 14/09/2023 11:13

Do use actually realise net mums members are promoting a family split (do not tell ure partner to move out leave etc) talk no shouting at each other go outside for a Coffee take the 3yrsold out with u and talk!! (poor show net mums)

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2023 11:14

kristophersmum2008 · 14/09/2023 11:13

Do use actually realise net mums members are promoting a family split (do not tell ure partner to move out leave etc) talk no shouting at each other go outside for a Coffee take the 3yrsold out with u and talk!! (poor show net mums)

NETmums??

Um...

TheClitterati · 14/09/2023 11:15

I think net mums throw sparkly shit at problems. This is Mumsnet - we are a bit more bad ass here.

shearwater · 14/09/2023 11:15

Netmums? You really have the wrong site.

Do use actually realise net mums members are promoting a family split (do not tell ure partner to move out leave etc) talk no shouting at each other go outside for a Coffee take the 3yrsold out with u and talk!! (poor show net mums)

Yes because in spite of being the higher earner he pays for fuck all. You can't do much about someone with that attitude.

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