My boyfriend thinks its unfair I am working part time.

[AugustChild]

We have two daughters. My eldest (11) is to a previous relationship and my youngest (3) is my current partner. I was working around 30 hours a week when we had my mom on hand for childcare however my mom is unable to look after or do any of the school runs at the moment due to be being unwell. I took a bit of a higher job role in my current workplace - it is more money but currently less hours - only 21. I couldn't take the 28 hour contract due to worrying about childcare (mostly in the holidays as my little one is now at nursery each day). For some reason he thinks I continued with 30 hours although I did tell him it was a drop in hours, I cover extra shifts when I can. He has now blown up at me because I'm only contracted to 21 hours whilst he's working 40/50 hours and i explained the only reason i've not been doing extra is because of the childcare situation and needing to be back and forth for the school runs to take and pick up the little one. He says its unfair and that even though I'm doing less hours the house is a s hole. I'll admit the house is a bit messy due to having two kids and I do hate cleaning but i try to keep it clean and tidy. I do all the household chores, (he doesn't touch the household chores when he is off work) I cook his tea his every night, make sure he has clean clothes for work, anything to do with the kids I sort out. I pay the bills with the part time wage I earn and have to end up paying for a lot of food shopping or whatever the kids need. He's been really angry and disrespectful making out as though I do nothing because I'm not working 30 hours. Am i right to be upset? If he spoke to me properly about the situation rather than be disrespectful I'd try harder to cover some shifts/do more housework to pitch in but the way he has been tonight is making me not want to bother at all.

This.

I don’t think he sounds like he values your contribution he sees himself as the main breadwinner working all the hours. If you are paying all the bills where does his wages go. It doesn’t sound like a partnership as you are not married I would think carefully about what you want your future to be.

Ha, love this! Yes, do this, then watch his sorry little arse when he can't cope with having to do all the extra stuff!

He doesn't sound like a wanker, he is one. Shes working 21 hours AND having to do majority of the donkey work at home takes longer than the hours he works, and more .
Hes just a lazy entitled dick. (Sorry forgot to quote someone who posted)

The man hate on this site is ridiculous.
Last week I saw a post the opposite of this, OP was working full time, DP was part time and aside from the school run and cooking her tea did nothing and HE was the lazy pig that needed the boot, but now because this is a woman it’s ok??
OP - if you’re working less hours and bringing less money into the home you should be picking up the extra bits, ensuring the house isn’t a pig sty etc - if you’re only working 21 hours a week you either have a day off or have time either side of the school run to be doing some cleaning at least so you’re not living in a hovel.
Albeit DP should have spoken to you with respect about the issue but maybe he felt you’d been disloyal if you’d not categorically told him you wouldn’t be earning as much now and he’s surprised at how little your financial contribution is now in comparison? I’d be annoyed at DP also if we suddenly had less income than I was expecting.

For reference I’m in the same situation (without the angst) - I work 20 hours a week due to childcare, (study for 6 hours a week also across two days) He works 50 hours a week, his income is 3 x Higher than mine. Week days when I am not working I pick up the slack in my hours off, I cook, clean, make teas, lunches, do the washing, sort the children out with pick ups / drop offs etc and have the house in good order - weekends he chips in too & I have Saturday ‘off duties’ and he has Sunday. Communication is key. You need to speak to him & he needs to speak to you, respectfully.

As someone who does home visits, I know that her wording tells us the place is a absolute state and likely a health hazard.

@Loubelle70

Please stop and think carefully about this u could have had the option to be a sahm but chose not to u chose to go back to work after having ure kids lots of mum don't return (childcare issues) he should be more understanding (hubby had same problem when I was doing 16 hours (shitty 4 hour shifts) but I was there (then everything changed I became the main earner) how the tables turned!! I'm never in and he needs to pick up the pieces

And?? 2 kids (don't judge) definitely I haven't hoovered in days or put a wash on and boys have probably had take out more than once this week but there fed clean and koved

Going against the general consensus here, but I can actually see both sides - although the way he spoke to you was disgusting and way out of order.

We have a similar set up in that I do all the school runs, vast majority of childcare and housework as I'm simply home more. DH works 50-60hrs a week, whereas I work 30. Because of this, it makes sense for me to make sure tea is sorted, do the school runs and most of housework as I don't like leaving it all a mess until the weekend when we are both off. However, if he's off work he absolutely will do things 50/50, or if he's off work and I'm in work, he'll do it all whilst I just work.

It's about finding the right balance so that everyone isn't completely knackered 24/7.

I've got to be honest, if I was working 50 hours a week and my DH was only working 21, I would probably expect him to be doing the majority of the household/kid stuff too. I don't think that is an unreasonable ask from your partner - the amount you earn is irrelevant, and the fact that you have children to deal with - you are still home a LOT more than him. However - the way he spoke to you and chose to address it in an aggressive way, instead of talking to you calmly and like an adult is a major red flag. You should be working as a team to figure this out!

If you're really not happy doing more childcare/housework than him on your lower hours, I'd suggest looking at getting both of you to work part time if you can afford to do so - that way everyone's happy and chipping in equally (or should be!) Or perhaps suggest he goes part time instead and you pick up full time and reverse roles.

Either way you need to address the way he spoke to you first and foremost as regardless of what he feels about the current situation, there was no need to be so disrespectful!

😬

I read lots of posts like this where the woman runs herself ragged, while the man does nothing. Why? Why are you doing it OP? My DH has always done all the cooking, food shopping and ironing. I do all the cleaning. If he refused to cook or iron, I wouldn't step in and do it - I don't have time, so we'd just have to wear unironed clothes and eat sandwiches/tinned soup. And if he was consistently doing nothing around the house, I'd very quickly resent it and dump him.

He sounds horrible OP.

This is not the way a loving person talks to his partner.

How are finances split? And do you rent?

You’re working part-time, whilst he gets to work full time because you do the childcare and housework. He is building up savings and a pension at your expense.

I think you should work full time and have Dd2 in nursery all day, and he does half the pick ups and drop offs.

Don’t sacrifice your career and pension for this selfish man.

So when your childcare solution (that your mum was providing for free) wasn't possible anymore, you got off your bum and got a promotion which enabled you to work fewer hours and still get paid more, so you could bring in more money than you were bringing in before and look after your own children in the time that you were no longer spending doing paid work, and your "partner" has done absolutely nothing to help from the very beginning and is now complaining?

He's a prick.

What's your next move?

He is being very unreasonable. It's probably because he has no idea how much effort it takes to run the house with 2 young kids. You are never going to have a clean house with a 3 year old. And now he is digging his heels in. I can't think of a solution. I tried running a log of the hours I spent on childcare and chores - this didn't help. The only thing that worked was after we temporarily separated. All of a sudden he has become a lot more agreeable and understanding. Unfortunately by the time the woman takes this drastic step things are usually pretty crap on all fronts. I think you need to go for a mediation with a neutral person who will listen to both sides of the story in an impartial way

"You are never going to have a clean house with a 3 year old."

😬

Urgh what a t**t

You ARE working 40/50 hours - infact I’d guess more - but you’re not being paid for it.

Add up the hours you are spending on cleaning, school runs, household chores and make him an invoice!!!! Then say either he pays this, or he drops his hours and does the housework and you pick up the extra hours.

Hes a complete twat and not your team partner. Be very wary and always have a way out because he’s not going to want you to have any indépendance. X

I've got to be honest, if I was working 50 hours a week and my DH was only working 21, I would probably expect him to be doing the majority of the household/kid stuff too. I don't think that is an unreasonable ask from your partner - the amount you earn is irrelevant, and the fact that you have children to deal with - you are still home a LOT more than him. However - the way he spoke to you and chose to address it in an aggressive way, instead of talking to you calmly and like an adult is a major red flag. You should be working as a team to figure this out!
I agree with this.
I'd also expect DH to do the majority of house/kid stuff during the week if he was working 21 hours. Same in reverse. At the weekend it would be shared fairly and we'd both expect the other to do their fair share of evening parenting duties too.

OP's partner is a wanker for being confrontational about it and not doing his share outside the working week.

I suspect the OP's partner is one of those lazy men who simultaneously want to have a woman doing all the domestic labour like she is a SAHP at the same time as having a career out the home and providing financially like a WOHP.

OP, do you actually want to be with him? He sounds like a waste of space.

What I would do is add up his working hours each week including any commute time, and then add up your working hours each week including any commute time plus all the hours of childcare you do at times when he is out of the house including picking up and dropping off.

These are your real working hours that you are actually doing.

Then calculate how much it would cost to pay someone else to do all that work, including in the school holidays.

Spell it out to him.

He shouldn't be blowing up at you because he's just realised you "only work 21 hours a week". You should be blowing up at him for taking so little interest in family life and the childcare arrangements for his own child that he doesn't know how many hours you work outside the home. He should know this stuff. He should know how many hours you work and how many hours a week your child is in nursery and how the drop offs and pick ups work and how much it all costs and what the protocol is when the child is ill and has to stay home. If he doesn't know these things (and presumably isn't capable of doing these things if needed, e.g. if you got run over by a bus), he is not pulling his weight.

Back to the hours thing. Compare his working hours to your working hours (including childcare) side by side. How many hours are you each doing?

List all the chores that need to be done around the house including cooking, cleaning and washing, but also admin tasks.

How long do they take each week? And who does them?

If one of you is working (paid work or childcare) for, say, 10 hours less than the other each week, arguably that person should spend those 10 hours doing chores, and then anything else that needs to be done should be split 50:50 so that you each have equal free time.

Who has more free time at the moment?

I would bet a substantial amount of money that it's him.

And stop having his bloody dinner on the table at 7pm sharp every night! He knows where the fridge is.

Also, your financial arrangements don't sound very fair. Both your salaries should be going into one pot and all your joint expenses including mortgage, bills, food and childcare should be coming out of there. He should ideally be contributing a small amount of money to your pension as well, to compensate for the fact that you are working part time to facilitate his working full time, to his financial benefit and your financial detriment.

How dare he!

This has got me really riled up this morning.

I can't bear men like this.

Any this is why I read mumsnet out to my partner and point out the idiots.
I'm assuming that when he was single he learnt how to cook, clean, and God forbid survive as a human being.

House chores are 50/50 as if you both worked full time in paying employment it would be too.

I work 3 days a week too and luckily there is always one of working from home so we juggle laundry and what not but the 2 days I'm with my little one I'm shattered.

He needs a serious wake up call and if he is earning more money he should be paying more bills. I pay 50% of our mortgage and the rest goes in a pot to cover everything else and then I tell him I'm buying things and doing things with our money.

Raise the bar op he's treating you like shit. He wants a maid, cook, cleaner, childminder and for you to work full time - bollocks to that. I'm sure life would be a whole heap easier if he wasn't around.

Yes im amazed with the double standards and man hate! Women can do no wrong but men are always lazy shits and need to get rid when they are complaining about their partner not doing as much.
There’s always two sides to a story and there’s also women who do very little and run their husbands to the ground. No wonder we see so many men committing suicide when they have partners putting pressure on them to do more. They have feelings too and need support. It’s all about communication. Has anyone thought that he might be struggling working 40/50. Hours. It’s not a business transaction it’s a partnership. The man might be struggling and telling her to point score and dump him isn’t helpful. Surely they need to resolve this by looking at everything and finding a mutually acceptable solution for both rather than getting angry at each other. Also when men get angry I see a lot of people calling them controlling and abusive. Women get angry too but don’t seem to get the same level of vitriol and hate when they get annoyed with their partner. The double standards on this forum is insane.

What are his good points?

He appears to be doing literally nothing other than working full time, which he can only do because the OP is facilitating it by doing literally everything else including caring for the child they have together, as well as working for 50% of the time.

OP - sorry - in a hurry so haven't read much, but am indignant on your behalf.

Could you write a list, in 2 columns, of your and your partner's 'duties'? Show it to him and give him the chance to add anything he thinks you've missed. I think this would spell out to him visually just how unfair the arrangement is. You could put in approximate times for the tasks too.

It would be there for him to see and hopefully he'll find himself either having to back down and/or apologise to you.

Good luck!