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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OLD guy has said we’re not sexually compatible

368 replies

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 12:17

I’m feeling very raw today, see username (created for this thread, I am a longtime MN poster)

I’ve done OLD on and off for a few years since divorce and had some fun times as well as a couple of longer term boyfriends from it.

I had a couple of dates with a guy from an app and met him for a third date for an evening drink on Saturday. We really clicked, there was loads of chemistry and we decided to have dinner too. I was happy to go back to his apartment to sleep with him, we were both a bit merry but happy to proceed. We had what I thought was quite a hot, exciting time in bed together but annoyingly I came on during sex and so inevitably there was some blood on the sheets afterwards, I didn’t realise what had happened until afterwards. Of course I apologised but he went into the bathroom to remove condom. We both fell asleep soon afterwards. All seemed ok in the morning, he made coffee and we chatted and cuddled up in bed but he had to get going for lunch with his family. I thought we left on a nice note, nice kiss and “see you soon”. He messaged shortly after I left saying that it had been great to see me, I had that lovely warm feeling for the rest of the afternoon.

This is the humiliating bit, I messaged him last night to say that I had really enjoyed being with him and when could we get together again for a date. He got back to me this morning with a total shit sandwich, “you’re a wonderful woman, so interesting and warm BUT (here goes) the blood was a turn off and I also didn’t like the way you touched my hair during sex, I am not a baby. I’m happy to see you again as a friend but not as a date.”

I was totally gutted. I have never had a response like that from a man I’ve had sex with, it actually made me feel sick. I wrote back and apologised and explained and even reassured him that I don’t have any STIs (ss to him some recent sexual health check results), he responded by saying - don’t worry about it, we’re just not compatible in bed.

WTF? How do I get past this? It’s blindsided me.

OP posts:
fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 11/09/2023 14:45

weefreetiffany you are making me laugh , thank you your holiness.

WisherWood · 11/09/2023 14:45

I wrote back and apologised and explained and even reassured him that I don’t have any STIs

No, OP, just no. Never apologise for this. I would just block him. He could be negging you and you may find in a few days/ weeks he suddenly changes his mind and contacts you again. A pre-emptive block is the best way.

millymog11 · 11/09/2023 14:47

"Way to shame women and men who like casual sex"

well sorry you feel ashamed that its clear that casual sex is all you will ever likely have and like to have (if you can get it that is) in between those pesky women doing gross thinks like bleeding on your parade sorry penis and all that.....

CClaire · 11/09/2023 14:47

He sounds like a narc. Clearly just wanted to f@ck you and move on to the next poor woman. What random and nasty excuses the little wank rag put on you though!

LondonCatLife · 11/09/2023 14:48

Would ye, ay?

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 14:48

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 12:55

I am thinking reading some of these that maybe all he wanted all along was a quick one off shag. But I had told him that I don’t want one off casual sex.

Have you just realised men will say or whatever they need to do to get the shag?

Sorry to be blunt, but it seems you are naive and didn't go into this date with your eyes open.

ManateeFair · 11/09/2023 14:48

It's ok to be turned off by things that peoples bodies do while you're having sex.

Yes it is, but unless their body is going to do that every time they have sex, it's not a sign of sexual incompatibility. It's like claiming you're sexually incompatible with someone because you once heard their knee click as they were getting on top of you or something. Plus his additional comment about her touching his hair is a really desperate bit of negging.

LondonCatLife · 11/09/2023 14:49

NeonSoda · 11/09/2023 14:29

Actually, I wouldn't reply to them at all, to be honest.

I wouldn't feel the need to thank them for their honesty, and I wouldn't feel the need to body shame or insult them.

I might say 'thanks for letting me know' or something.

Would ye, aye?

BasicPumpkinSpice · 11/09/2023 14:49

You've had a lucky escape, try not to take it personally.

Hopinghonestly · 11/09/2023 14:50

Lol at this guy and lol at some of the comments...

So note to self, before a date i must track my cycle, predict it with my powers if im irregular..

If a whoopsie happens..its ok, i will suck it back in.

As we all know everyone exists soley for anothers convenience 😂😂😂

Fucking hell think im better off with a dildo then dating. Dont think i could get in the mood if its such a highly strung shit show.

eggsandbaconeveryday · 11/09/2023 14:51

I hate to say it but the mentality of some on OLD is that it is only good for a shag and I think that's the kind of man you have encountered. You definitely dodged a bullet !

LondonCatLife · 11/09/2023 14:51

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 14:27

This is a kind post - thank you. The middle paragraph especially. No, thinking back on the experience - it was all about him.

I'm not sure what you're mourning here, OP, but it's certainly not any loss of yours!

I have the ick, vicariously, and its nothing to do with blood!

bowlingalleyblues · 11/09/2023 14:51

It is a horrible message - totally immature. Good for you that you enjoyed the evening at the time - his criteria for women ‘doesn’t bleed or show affection’ is ridiculous.

housethatbuiltme · 11/09/2023 14:53

Are you cradle robbing and dating a barely legal 16 year old boy?

If not then how fucking immature is a fully grown man to be all 'ewww periods'?

I mean how dare you have normal bodily functions instead of being solely a sex receptacle... he sounds like a twat.

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2023 14:55

Couldn't been all that icked out if he still continued and climaxed.

The hair thing - he sounds so peevish and like a little boy ducking his head and screwing his face up cause someone touched him affectionately. If you don't like it, say at the time - don't fuck the person til you get off and then moan about it afterward.

I bet the mother of his kids pities anyone he gets together with.

He was perhaps it looking for sex in spite of you saying you weren't. Even if not, he sounds like a proper pitb and he didn't get you off.

You shouldn't have been apologising for anything.

And I have no idea where the std comment came from (from yourself?. Stds don't "live" in period blood of something.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 11/09/2023 14:56

Maybe he just didn't enjoy the sex and is looking for excuses. I've not enjoyed sex before, some people just aren't compatible, it doesn't necessarily mean they're bad in bed.

Rockschooldropout · 11/09/2023 14:56

The hair thing ..I’d have replied .. “that wasn’t me ?” Just to freak him out .. but I’m all seriousness ..
He deserved zero response .. aside from silence and being blocked .. this is negging without a doubt .. nasty little man .. he’s done you a huge favour believe me .. saying he’s happy to keep seeing you as a friend is code for .. “but I’ll hit you up for a shag when it suits me “ don’t be available… block .. block.. block

ZickZack · 11/09/2023 14:56

Sounds like he is indeed a baby if he doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with period blood🙄

Insommmmnia · 11/09/2023 14:57

It's ok to be turned off by things that peoples bodies do while you're having sex.

Yes it is, but unless their body is going to do that every time they have sex, it's not a sign of sexual incompatibility. It's like claiming you're sexually incompatible with someone because you once heard their knee click as they were getting on top of you or something. Plus his additional comment about her touching his hair is a really desperate bit of negging.

Exactly, it's like claiming you are sexually incompatible with someone because they got the hiccups, as if this is a standard part of their sexual technique

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 14:57

ManateeFair · 11/09/2023 14:48

It's ok to be turned off by things that peoples bodies do while you're having sex.

Yes it is, but unless their body is going to do that every time they have sex, it's not a sign of sexual incompatibility. It's like claiming you're sexually incompatible with someone because you once heard their knee click as they were getting on top of you or something. Plus his additional comment about her touching his hair is a really desperate bit of negging.

Exactly. I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t a deliberate move or a “kink”. I wasn’t demanding he do something weird. Imagine if I had farted!!! (Which has often happened but never been a problem)

OP posts:
Raffyash1 · 11/09/2023 14:57

LUCKY ESCAPE! When someone shows you what they're really like in the beginning, it's a gift!

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2023 14:58

He's selfish and rough in bed by the sounds of it.

On top of all this crazyness.

You've dodged a bullet.

DGConsultant · 11/09/2023 14:59

Sorry Opp. As a bloke, that's bloody harsh to say to a woman you've just slept with. Dear god, OLD is a jungle.

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 14:59

housethatbuiltme · 11/09/2023 14:53

Are you cradle robbing and dating a barely legal 16 year old boy?

If not then how fucking immature is a fully grown man to be all 'ewww periods'?

I mean how dare you have normal bodily functions instead of being solely a sex receptacle... he sounds like a twat.

Edited

No!!! He’s 43.

OP posts:
Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 15:00

DGConsultant · 11/09/2023 14:59

Sorry Opp. As a bloke, that's bloody harsh to say to a woman you've just slept with. Dear god, OLD is a jungle.

Thanks for some male input. Yes, jungle. Good word.

OP posts: