OLD guy has said we’re not sexually compatible

[Feelinghumiliated]

I’m feeling very raw today, see username (created for this thread, I am a longtime MN poster)

I’ve done OLD on and off for a few years since divorce and had some fun times as well as a couple of longer term boyfriends from it.

I had a couple of dates with a guy from an app and met him for a third date for an evening drink on Saturday. We really clicked, there was loads of chemistry and we decided to have dinner too. I was happy to go back to his apartment to sleep with him, we were both a bit merry but happy to proceed. We had what I thought was quite a hot, exciting time in bed together but annoyingly I came on during sex and so inevitably there was some blood on the sheets afterwards, I didn’t realise what had happened until afterwards. Of course I apologised but he went into the bathroom to remove condom. We both fell asleep soon afterwards. All seemed ok in the morning, he made coffee and we chatted and cuddled up in bed but he had to get going for lunch with his family. I thought we left on a nice note, nice kiss and “see you soon”. He messaged shortly after I left saying that it had been great to see me, I had that lovely warm feeling for the rest of the afternoon.

This is the humiliating bit, I messaged him last night to say that I had really enjoyed being with him and when could we get together again for a date. He got back to me this morning with a total shit sandwich, “you’re a wonderful woman, so interesting and warm BUT (here goes) the blood was a turn off and I also didn’t like the way you touched my hair during sex, I am not a baby. I’m happy to see you again as a friend but not as a date.”

I was totally gutted. I have never had a response like that from a man I’ve had sex with, it actually made me feel sick. I wrote back and apologised and explained and even reassured him that I don’t have any STIs (ss to him some recent sexual health check results), he responded by saying - don’t worry about it, we’re just not compatible in bed.

WTF? How do I get past this? It’s blindsided me.

Apologies, F is next to G on the keyboard and I was thinking about something else.

I checked my last Pour Moi order and last time I was ordering 32F and 32FF bras, just to make sure I'm correct this time.

He sounds really weird!

Omg amazing 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

How DARE you menstruate!? Vaginas are for male sexual gratification only don’t ya know.
The only unpleasant fanny here is him.

@NeonSoda his boundary/incompatibility appears to be sex with post pubescent pre menopausal women so he only has himself to blame for crossing that boundary

I do not believe saying 'I don't want to have sex with you again' is inherently shaming.

Yes but saying I don't want to have sex with you again because you have female bodily functions is playing upon the generations of shaming women for having periods that has happened by men

Simply saying I don't want to have sex with you again isn't inherently shaming but that's not actually what happened is it

Made me laugh 😆

"What is the alternative? Continue having sex with someone that you don't want to have sex with?"

The alternative is having a deep and authentic respect for the women you are having sex with that you know before you start having sex that she is not on her period because you two have a trusting and committed relationship to the extent you know beforehand that she would tell you and then the two of you would not have sex. Its the kind of relationship where you would also be mindful that depending on where in the cycle it is that she is not bleeding she might get pregnant!! (shock horror! I am sure you would also be offended by that, eh, and that would be enough for you to not want to have sex with her again as well, eh??)

But I am confident you have never ever had one of those Nova (nor will you by the sound of it) so you carry on with your modus operandi (unfortunately, for the women you might dupe into sleeping with you).

I mean I probably wouldn't have given reasons as to why I didn't want to have sex with someone again, because I don't like having an argument about it (which is something that guys love to do in my experience).

But if someone did give me a reason - and people have done before - then I wouldn't take it to heart. I'd just move on and shag the next person I'm interested in.

I mean it was a third date and a first time having sex. It's not someone you're emotionally involved with at that stage. It's just sex.

No my child I don’t believe in sex before holy marriage, as the pope and all that.

Pump and dump means he explicitly was only ever up for one night of sex. The “boundaries” are a red herring. Blood red this time. There was no mind to change because it was already made up. But by all means push your agenda? It’s going down well as far as I can tell.

I'm sorry, did you just suggest that people should only have sex once they are in a 'trusted and committed relationship'?

Way to shame women and men who like casual sex...

Is this a ‘boundary’ though? The OP didn’t say - ‘I insist you have sex with me whilst on my period’, it was an accident. She wasn’t making demands, it just happened. Obviously he (and you) are entitled to be so traumatised by the experience that you don’t want to see the other person again, that’s your prerogative. Everyone else is entitled to think you’re immature and weird, that’s ours.

He’s in his early 40s, to whoever asked. And has children so must be familiar with bodily fluids and things happening unexpectedly.

Some of you have mentioned boundaries - we don’t know what a person’s boundaries are, sexually until we accidentally happen to cross them. I am coming round to the idea that he just wanted a quick shag.

Ok, I'll rephase. "Her body did something that the other person found a turn off."

It's ok to be turned off by things that peoples bodies do while you're having sex.

He sounds absolutely horrible. I don't think any normal man would think that a woman getting her period unexpectedly - even he was actually grossed out by it - would see that as 'sexual incompatibility'. I think it's fine for a man (or a woman) to not like to see blood during sex, but even if that's the case, you'd surely be aware that it's just one of those things that happens sometimes and nothing to do with compatibility. It's not like you told him period sex was a thing you were into! It just happened without your knowledge!

The hair thing is insane. Fine, maybe he's weird about having his hair touched, in which case he could say 'I know this seems a bit odd, but people touching my hair freaks me out a bit, sorry' but nobody - NOBODY - ends a sexual relationship for that reason.

Both these things lead me to believe that he is, in fact, a creep who just gets off on sleeping with women once and then humiliating them afterwards. Particularly as you added that the sex was on the rougher side - there's absolutely nothing wrong with that if you're both into it, and taken in isolation, I wouldn't see it as a red flag, but in combination with his behaviour afterwards, it does make me wonder if he just likes using and humiliating women.

Yes I agree with you @Toomanyanimalz

This was probably your mistake. I am not an expert but am willing to guess that in porn movies women don’t touch mens faces and hair because they are been subjected to the best sex they have ever had and made to feel like a slut as their magnificent untouchable god of a partner pounds them to orgasm after orgasm with his throbbing member. Your hands should have been wrapped in your own hair as you bit your pouting lips and screamed now now now now oh god now now now.

I think that’s exactly it, but rather than be man enough to admit that, he tried to humiliate you. There is only one person that should be embarrassed and it’s most definitely not you x

Mate, I'm 38 and fed up with spending a fortune on uncomfortable bras that sag quickly and have to be thrown away quicker than women with much smaller boobs. Don't come at me about bras - Pour Moi are my favourite compromise for half decent quality and budget (in the sales).

If I was a teenage boy I'd probably say Anne Summers or something. But we all know that their bras are nasty fabric that nobody wants to wear.

@NeonSoda

But if someone did give me a reason - and people have done before - then I wouldn't take it to heart. I'd just move on and shag the next person I'm interested in.

You mean the thing we are all urging them OP to do?

Except for you who thought it would be fun to cheer the guy on?

That's absolute honesty. You know exactly where you stand. I wish more men were like this!

She is not 'being found wanting.' She has simply done something in bed which was a turn off for the other person.

She didn't do something, something happened. Its like telling someone they are a turn off because they sneezed, or blinked or had an itch

Except on top of that it plays into years of patriarchal attitudes towards periods which make them dirty, requiring "sanitary" products that smell pretty etc.

@NeonSoda

But if someone did give me a reason - and people have done before - then I wouldn't take it to heart. I'd just move on and shag the next person I'm interested in.

You mean the thing we are all urging them OP to do?

Except for you who thought it would be fun to cheer the guy on?

That's absolute honesty. You know exactly where you stand. I wish more men were like this!

She is not 'being found wanting.' She has simply done something in bed which was a turn off for the other person.

She didn't do something, something happened. Its like telling someone they are a turn off because they sneezed, or blinked or had an itch

Except on top of that it plays into years of patriarchal attitudes towards periods which make them dirty, requiring "sanitary" products that smell pretty etc.

The fact that he made a leap from hair touching to children during sex is a tad worrying. At the least he has intimacy or mummy issues ,at worst a previous accusation making him defensive and paranoid.A leap I know but it is a weird thing to say.
Regardless he wanted one thing and to cut ties before any sort of emotional attachment. He’s a user.

@viques 😂 I don’t watch porn but that could be a good theory. Touching hair and face is maybe too close or intimate.