OLD guy has said we’re not sexually compatible

[Feelinghumiliated]

I’m feeling very raw today, see username (created for this thread, I am a longtime MN poster)

I’ve done OLD on and off for a few years since divorce and had some fun times as well as a couple of longer term boyfriends from it.

I had a couple of dates with a guy from an app and met him for a third date for an evening drink on Saturday. We really clicked, there was loads of chemistry and we decided to have dinner too. I was happy to go back to his apartment to sleep with him, we were both a bit merry but happy to proceed. We had what I thought was quite a hot, exciting time in bed together but annoyingly I came on during sex and so inevitably there was some blood on the sheets afterwards, I didn’t realise what had happened until afterwards. Of course I apologised but he went into the bathroom to remove condom. We both fell asleep soon afterwards. All seemed ok in the morning, he made coffee and we chatted and cuddled up in bed but he had to get going for lunch with his family. I thought we left on a nice note, nice kiss and “see you soon”. He messaged shortly after I left saying that it had been great to see me, I had that lovely warm feeling for the rest of the afternoon.

This is the humiliating bit, I messaged him last night to say that I had really enjoyed being with him and when could we get together again for a date. He got back to me this morning with a total shit sandwich, “you’re a wonderful woman, so interesting and warm BUT (here goes) the blood was a turn off and I also didn’t like the way you touched my hair during sex, I am not a baby. I’m happy to see you again as a friend but not as a date.”

I was totally gutted. I have never had a response like that from a man I’ve had sex with, it actually made me feel sick. I wrote back and apologised and explained and even reassured him that I don’t have any STIs (ss to him some recent sexual health check results), he responded by saying - don’t worry about it, we’re just not compatible in bed.

WTF? How do I get past this? It’s blindsided me.

Glad I’m not the only one that found that gross. That would give me the ick 🤣

Just be glad you’ve seen what a knob he is this early on. Don’t feel humiliated as you’ve only done what millions of women (billions) do, ie bleed at inopportune moments. If he was a decent human being he would have taken it in his stride, it’s not like you sh*t in his bed (scuse the vulgarity). You’ve had a lucky escape.

"It would be a boundary for me to sleep with a woman on her period. The moment I noticed I would probably stop anything and say that this wasn't for me right now. Afterwards if it had happened I might look back and say 'actually, that experience was enough to put me off a person, I'd rather not see them again in this way.'"

Interesting NeonSoda · Today 14:15

I'd bet a very large amount of money that your above described "boundary" is still not enough for you to modify your behaviour to the extent that you end up only ever having sex with women who you expressly give the power to say yes or no as to whether they will have sex with you or not depending on whether they are on their period.

In other words you will carry on having sex with women who you don't even know vaguely well enough to know whether or not they are due their period (because you are in an committed one to one intimate and emotional relationship with them), but that if it does happen with the woman you happen to be having sex with you will simply deal with it by shaming the woman.

I'm right aren't I?

He’s a dickhead. Has he been in any adult long-term relationships? Surely he’s used to blood ffs?

Please dont feel bad about this. It’s a lucky escape.

Block and move on.

Actually, I'm a bisexual woman. We do exist.

And yes. I have 32FF boobs. It's very unfortunate and I find myself very frustrated with the price of surgery for reduction.

On planet Neonsoda apparently 🙄 I can’t believe a woman is being found wanting because she came on during an intimate moment. Unbelievable.

So here's the thing.

I do not believe saying 'I don't want to have sex with you again' is inherently shaming.

What is the alternative? Continue having sex with someone that you don't want to have sex with?

I actually had to laugh when I read this. Absolutely not at you, you sound lovely, but that this guy cannot cope with a woman’s period or wants his hair to be touched? What a weird, socially awkward douche.

When I came out of a 5 year relationship, I dated lots. There was one guy I really liked who let me down after 3 dates. For some reason I took this strangely badly, I cried a lot and that year’s Christmas was really ruined for me. I think it felt raw because it was the first person I liked after my relationship, not really because he was such an amazing guy because he wasn’t. I can totally relate to where you are coming from. But there will be someone much better and more suitable in your future I guarantee it.

this guy is a loser. He didn’t even have to say all of this, he could have just said he doesn’t feel up ur e compatible. He clearly thinks very highly of himself, it’s really not you, it’s him.

That's okay @TawnyLarue I wouldn't expect you too! 😂
In his defence it was just the start and not exactly rivers of blood 😆

@NeonSoda BUSTED!!!

As for rough sex my period has started because of a sneeze in the past.

I’m reading this and thinking that you had a lucky escape (thank you Mother Nature!) because with low self esteem you could have easily ended up stuck with this arsehole.

Sex isn’t a separate thing- how someone behaves between the sheets is part and parcel of who they are. Being rough with a new partner, not focusing on his partner’s pleasure, and humiliating someone in a vulnerable moment do not speak well to his character. That’s who he is. Great lovers care enough to pay attention and figure it out. Sadly many men are just great wankers, and their partner is incidental to the act.

I’m willing to bet that, if you think about it, there were some little signs of these qualities outside the bedroom too.

He sounds very immature ! Fair enough if he didn’t like the blood but it’s a normal bodily function , something that can’t be helped so to say it to you like that and say it’s a turn off seems like he’s blaming you and that’s a ridiculous attitude to have . As for you touching his hair - yeah it’s fine if you don’t like it but to say it like that …. Dodged a bullet I think !

She is not 'being found wanting.' She has simply done something in bed which was a turn off for the other person.

That just means they're sexually incompatible. And that's ok.

I probably wouldn't have told them why we were incompatible, but I do think honesty is a positive thing generally.

you block because he sounds like a dick!

You are aware that women do not have to feel the same about their bodies, yes? It is ok for you to love having 32GG boobs, and for me to find them uncomfortable, frustrating, and irritating.

I am not a troll. I just have a different opinion to you.

This is a kind post - thank you. The middle paragraph especially. No, thinking back on the experience - it was all about him.

And I’m the pope, pleased to meet you.

you might want to work on that internalised misogyny that makes you interpret this as him giving her feedback about his boundaries, rather than the old pump and dump.

Actually, I wouldn't reply to them at all, to be honest.

I wouldn't feel the need to thank them for their honesty, and I wouldn't feel the need to body shame or insult them.

I might say 'thanks for letting me know' or something.

Oh OP o feel so sad for you reading this. That lovely warm feeling really is so nice and that message must've struck you like a sack of potato's!

From an outsider though, what an absolute ARSE! What a horrible thing to do bringing up the blood... and to critic you aswell with the hair. He sounds like his true colours are 50 shades of absolute shit.

Don't be humiliated. He is the humiliation. You've done nothing to be humiliated for.

I assume by 'pump and dump' you mean to meet someone for sex, and then say you don't want to see them again.

Are you suggesting it's not ok to have sex with someone and then not want to see them again? Because wow that is a hot take.

You’ve had a lucky escape!

Just respond:

"I'm so pleased you recognised the sexual incompatibility. Obviously there's zero point in me having sex with someone who ejaculates but can't bring me to orgasm; where's the fun for me?
No need to stay friends, your company wasn't that stimulating either. Bye."

And block.

My period has come on in all sorts of awkward moments over the years. Aeroplane seat, shop chair, restaurant chair and yes sex but I’ve never been met with anything other than kindness and philosophical partners.

Thankfully they are a thing of the past now as my heavy periods made my life a misery (so thank you hysterectomy).

💐