Husband has just walked out

[Suddenlysolo]

Sorry this is really long. Name changed for some anonymity… I just need to tell someone so it’s not just me.

my husband and I have had some disagreements for a while about the degree of discipline that is appropriate. He’s never been shouty or remotely violent. But he has (I feel) slightly unrealistic expectations of how well behaved small boys are capable of being. We had a long, quite formal family lunch, and they were wriggling about / playing with toys at the table / being a bit strident about what they didn’t aNt to eat. He got annoyed with me for not managing them better and ‘him always having to be the bad cop’

later today he was trying to talk to our DS (4) about his earlier behaviour - and DS was hiding his face in a cushion and not engaging. He started escalating threats - if you don’t speak to me I’ll take away your lego, if you don’t start talking to me there will be no ice cream ever again etc.

I asked to speak to him outside the room - and suggested that if he took his ego out of the equation and left DS to his own devices a bit he’d be easier to talk to later on. (DS is 4. He gets overwhelmed if he’s peppered with questions)

DH lost his mind with me, told me I’m a terrible parent + a horrible person. That I am incapable of discipline or structure in my own life and my total lack of order is going to raise boys who can’t cope with the realities of life.

said ‘how dare you a lot’ and then marched into our youngest son and gave him chocolate and turned on cartoons - both the things he’d said that DS couldn’t have

before telling me that he couldn’t bare watching me destroy our childrens lives.

then he packed a bag and left.

he has a bit of a temper which has flared up in the past. And I’ve been understanding about it because he’s got quite a traumatic history - and has been very contrite. But this feels different.

we have got different approaches to discipline. Generally I am a softer touch, more keen to find a positive way forward - whereas he’s more reward / consequences focussed. I respect his way of doing things - he’s consistent + generally has an excellent relationship with his sons. They love him.

I don’t want that sort of anger around my DSs. I don’t want them hearing anyone speak to me the way he spoke to me this evening. I recognise that there are plenty of ways in which I could show up more supportively - but this isn’t a functional marriage. I feel so sad and anxious. I’m almost relieved he’s gone.

My boys are both peacefully in bed now - so I’m keeping myself even keeled by trying to make a plan. What do I need to do first?

I’m a SAHM - this week I’ll sign up with supply agencies (was a teacher, people always need teachers, I’m pretty confident I can find a temp job very quickly)

I’ll tell the boys he’s travelling for work this week (he travels a lot - they won’t bat an eyelid) and then we can make a plan for how to talk to the boys about it - is this something to ask for help from a child therapist? I’d love any ideas here…

I’m going to have to summon up the courage to tell all our friends + my family. Who will be shocked. I don’t want to have to deal with their pity / worry when I’m trying to hold it all together for the boys.

urgh. I feel horrible, and lonely, and so sad for my boys, me, and the future I thought we’d have. I have loved him so much.

do I find a lawyer?

Is it really over or is he needing time to calm
down? Is counselling an option?

The likely thing is he's going to be contrite and want to come back when he's calmed down.

Do you want him back and if do on what terms?

Regardless of whether he comes back, you need to get a job so you are not dependent on him.

I've never been through a divorce and someone will come along with advice. Yes, speak to a lawyer and get financial paperwork in order.

Don't be in too much rush to get back to work. Your kids are very young and this is an upheaval for them. Status quo as much as possible. You sound pretty sure that this is it for the marriage. I tend to agree from your explanation of events. Use the time and adrenaline energy to get right up to date with family finances ie his salary, pension, bank accounts etc. Would you be happy with 50:50 given the different parenting styles? I wouldn't. He will probably expect to waltz back home once you've learned not to defy him. Keep your plans and learning to yourself. www.gov.uk/divorce is a useful information site as is wikivorce. I'm sorry you find yourself at this juncture, but you sound pretty sorted and capable of earning a good salary in the future.

www.entitledto.com is another resource about financial support for lone parents of young kids. There's help available for childcare, council tax discount and more. You'll probably rumble along with him paying the bills for a while but that doesn't/can't last as eventually he will need housing too. Knowing what's out there can be very reassuring.

We’ve had some counselling. We see someone once a month as a check in. Our last session was so positive. which makes it all feel so Jekyll + Hyde

I think he probably will come back and be contrite. But what am I signing up to if I tell him it’s all ok. Doesn’t that just ok him talking to me like that?

I’ve spent too much time already feeling anxious about his impending temper when he’s wound up about something. I don’t want to be reduced to tiptoe-ing around and toeing the line to keep the peace.

I definitely have some work to do on myself - I can be quite selfish + I am, by nature, quite scatty. I get that these are frustrating to live with.

I genuinely don’t think I’m a bad parent. The boys are lovely and loved (and clean + fed + chased around outside + read to + all the things.) - I don’t think he’s a bad parent either.

I DO need to get a job. It has been very bad for my self esteem being a dependent. And youngest DS is 20ms now.

Did you really tell him to keep his ego out of it ?

Because if you did, that's really attacking him, when you said you wanted to reduce the tension and calm the situation. If I'd been a fly on the wall, I would have thought 'whoa - going in a bit hard there'. You went for the jugular.

Surely as a teacher you know, you don't criticise the person, but the behaviour.

I think before you ring for an appointment with a solicitor you should be apologising for the personal attack on your DH

Sorry this is happening, you shouldn't be walking on eggshells around his temper. Take sometime to think about what you want before rushing into getting a solicitor. I'm going through something similar and it's hard not to storm ahead when your adrenaline is pumping. I just want to feel settled and secure again but it will be a long journey so no point rushing the start.

GO TO LINK ON DIVORCE BOARD TO ADIVCE NOW SITE

do this now, download guides. Inform yourself BEFORE you go to solicitor. A 30 min session with solicitor is a brief on them explaining the process really quickly, telling you what you want to hear to get your custom and doing a sell of their services. In other words a waste of time

go and get your 30 mins free when , and only when, you have informed yourself of processes and know what step if t asks you want them to do, and what issues you may need their help with

The ADVICE NOW guides are essentially diy guides to divorce. They tell you about “fair settlement” and also about what you don’t need solicitor for, what you might, and what you really do need one for

Oh, and post on divorce board- if you want adivce on how to…that’s where link to ADVICE NOW is,

I agree I was inapprpriate + very unkind. I have already acknowledged + apologised for that - I will do so again.

@silenttimes thank you for your encouragement

Will do - thank you

Best thing I ever did was leave my ex when dd was 6. He had unreasonable expectations too.

She has major mental health issues from his ranting raving and expecting victorian behaviour when she did visit him. She stopped staying over at 12.

Not saying your situation will be like this but in my experience bully men like this will never change.

Do you know where he has gone?

i think a long lunch with two small DC is going to be stressful when they are overtired. So to that extent, I can see that tempers get frayed.

But he has lost all sense of proportion and if you are generally walking on eggshells, I think you are right to take contrition with a level of caution. I don’t think I could come back from the other parent telling me that I was destroying my child’s life (which he clearly doesn’t believe as otherwise he would not have left you as the sole parent in the house …).

if you can get childcare, I do think it is a good idea to look for some work.

Don't waste thinking about what you're going to say to other people. That's too far ahead and not so important. You have the space whilst he's not there to consider what you want and what you want your future to look like. Know it sounds like a cliche but write a list of pros and cons if it helps you to think straight.

Only you can truly know how your relationship is, whether it's workable or you're going to be on edge forever. Emotions are obviously high at the moment but you need time to look at the whole picture realistically because whatever you this man will still be involved with your dcs.

The fact you are relieved he is gone says it all.
Youre right that things are dysfunctional and him be contrite isn’t enough.

I also notice that you have been getting couple counselling but he never git counselling g himself despite his traumatic past and the fact his outbursts are a big issue??

@Suddenlysolo Have you heard from him since he left? He might have left in anger and come back with his tail between his legs. If he does then I would be making it clear this is unacceptable. It sounds like he has anger issues too and I would want him to address this. When I was reading your OP though it sounded like was actually looking to pick a fight to justify him waking out? Could it be that he was looking for any excuse to leave? He also sounds very heavy handed in that situation considering your son is only 4 years old ……

He’s been in weekly counselling for 4 years. He has made some huge personal progress in his relationships with wider family + making peace with his past.

I hate to sound so resigned but I don’t think any amount of therapy is going to stop him from being a bully when he’s stressed, or losing his temper when he’s under pressure.

He’s extremely bright, he’s very professionally successful - I think he feels very justified in his behaviour.

I sent him a message saying that I hoped he was safe - because he’d stormed out in such a rage.

he replied saying ‘I am ok, I have decided not to hold DS4 to account any more or question your decision making, I don’t think we’ll have problems as long as I check out completely’

right…

Little kids don’t sit still at long boring lunches. Sorry and all but they just don’t. And storming out because of how that went down is a ludicrous over reaction. If this is what he’s like after 4 years of working with a counsellor then he needs to get a better one.

I predict that he is waiting for you to apologise for being mean to him. He will return when you beg forgiveness or will return when tou are sufficiently "punished". The idea being that you will now know better than to question him or object to his behaviours in the future, giving him a green card to behave like a dick. He will tell you that he couldn't help how upset he got/that you pressed his buttons/that the situation is too difficult.

Maybe I am wrong and he be super contrite and apologetic. But if that is the case, he needs to know this can't happen again. He has to commit to seeking support for his irrational anger.

I am cynical and I hope I am wrong. But I doubt it.

Well, you cannot hold a four year old to account anyway, they are four. They learn through positive reinforcement and feeling safe to explore their emotions. Your wee boy was not hitting, or taking things he should not have or anything like that, he was behaving like a tired four year old.
Sadly your husband is also behaving like a child.
Or as a PP says, he is looking for an excuse to leave/‘check out completely’.
There’s not a good answer to that, really. I would just say thank you for letting me know you are okay and leave it for now. It’s a manipulative response to get you to say that you don’t want him to check out completely.
I would be looking at my options.

So my husband did the 'I am going to opt out of parenting completely and it will all be your fault' thing. It's bullshit. Your DS is 4 years old. He is behaving normally for a 4 year old. There's nothing more to say than that.

Clearly your husband has the authoritarian parenting disease - and it is a disease. It's a second rate form of parenting and he needs to get the fuck over it and parent properly, or he needs to fuck off.

I stayed with mine for far too long. My two are 20 and 22 and still live with the consequences. Save your kids from this man.

I'm fighting the urge to congratulate you on him leaving. It sounds as though this is the best way this could have turned out.

If his bullying constitutes abuse, then you may be entitled to free legal advice through the divorce.

Don't think you have to suddenly rush to get work. Your children need you now, especially if his leaving coincided with him arguing with them. They will need reassurance that it wasn't their fault and that you aren't going to leave them as well. Prioritising their mental health now is the most important thing.

All the best x

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, OP. 💐

Given your updates, I agree that you need to take control of your future and assume that your marriage won’t continue. It may, but it would be advisable to sign up for supply teaching and do your research into divorce as PP’s have said.

My DH and I have teenagers and also have somewhat different approaches to parenting (I’m the softer parent). We’ve sometimes clashed on how to deal with situations so we’ve found it best to try and discuss any issues that we’re noticing (e.g., children not listening,) away from them and decide on a united approach.

We’ve agreed that personal attacks in the moment aren’t OK, neither is a parent losing their temper with their child. It has happened occasionally and we apologize quickly to everyone involved.

Packing a bag and storming off is over-dramatic and unhelpful.