Husband has just walked out

[Suddenlysolo]

Sorry this is really long. Name changed for some anonymity… I just need to tell someone so it’s not just me.

my husband and I have had some disagreements for a while about the degree of discipline that is appropriate. He’s never been shouty or remotely violent. But he has (I feel) slightly unrealistic expectations of how well behaved small boys are capable of being. We had a long, quite formal family lunch, and they were wriggling about / playing with toys at the table / being a bit strident about what they didn’t aNt to eat. He got annoyed with me for not managing them better and ‘him always having to be the bad cop’

later today he was trying to talk to our DS (4) about his earlier behaviour - and DS was hiding his face in a cushion and not engaging. He started escalating threats - if you don’t speak to me I’ll take away your lego, if you don’t start talking to me there will be no ice cream ever again etc.

I asked to speak to him outside the room - and suggested that if he took his ego out of the equation and left DS to his own devices a bit he’d be easier to talk to later on. (DS is 4. He gets overwhelmed if he’s peppered with questions)

DH lost his mind with me, told me I’m a terrible parent + a horrible person. That I am incapable of discipline or structure in my own life and my total lack of order is going to raise boys who can’t cope with the realities of life.

said ‘how dare you a lot’ and then marched into our youngest son and gave him chocolate and turned on cartoons - both the things he’d said that DS couldn’t have

before telling me that he couldn’t bare watching me destroy our childrens lives.

then he packed a bag and left.

he has a bit of a temper which has flared up in the past. And I’ve been understanding about it because he’s got quite a traumatic history - and has been very contrite. But this feels different.

we have got different approaches to discipline. Generally I am a softer touch, more keen to find a positive way forward - whereas he’s more reward / consequences focussed. I respect his way of doing things - he’s consistent + generally has an excellent relationship with his sons. They love him.

I don’t want that sort of anger around my DSs. I don’t want them hearing anyone speak to me the way he spoke to me this evening. I recognise that there are plenty of ways in which I could show up more supportively - but this isn’t a functional marriage. I feel so sad and anxious. I’m almost relieved he’s gone.

My boys are both peacefully in bed now - so I’m keeping myself even keeled by trying to make a plan. What do I need to do first?

I’m a SAHM - this week I’ll sign up with supply agencies (was a teacher, people always need teachers, I’m pretty confident I can find a temp job very quickly)

I’ll tell the boys he’s travelling for work this week (he travels a lot - they won’t bat an eyelid) and then we can make a plan for how to talk to the boys about it - is this something to ask for help from a child therapist? I’d love any ideas here…

I’m going to have to summon up the courage to tell all our friends + my family. Who will be shocked. I don’t want to have to deal with their pity / worry when I’m trying to hold it all together for the boys.

urgh. I feel horrible, and lonely, and so sad for my boys, me, and the future I thought we’d have. I have loved him so much.

do I find a lawyer?

I'm crying for your son. How does anyone expect a four year old to sit still at a " formal" dinner.. he's far too young.

It sounds like he’s just having a pathetic tantrum then. Which is ironic really considering his current behaviour is a lot worse than your 4 year olds! Packing a bag and storming out…… 🙄 your son sounds like a normal 4 year out when out at a long formal lunch. Even prince Louis was messing around and pulling faces at the jubilee!!

right? It seemed pretty reasonable to me that he was playing with they toys I’d packed - and announcing he didn’t want the monster sauce (guacamole) because he want a monster. He’s a delightful 4yo - no one else at the table was anything other than pleased he was there

Classic passive aggressive controlling behaviour here. Text book. You are bow.supposed to apologise and tell him.of course he is right and you were wrong and you will.never do it again. And he will them grudgingly return but you will be on notice.

I hate this. I hate this pattern. They all use it.

I think this is probably very accurate. Thank you.

if it was a single flare up I think we could work it out - but the pattern of behaviour you layout isn’t what I want for our lives.

I know I have done in the past when he’s been angry. I’ve made excuses for him, and wanted to keep the peace. But you’re right - this is a pattern.

I hate it too.

Sorry he sounds like an arsehole. Poor kids, what does he expect, adult conversation from them?!. Get signed up to agencies, wonted do any harm to be prepared. Also let's him know he doesn't get to call the shots.

I love 'monster sauce'. Not liking guacamole is perfectly normal for a 4 year old. Your DH is a complete arsehole.

I'm so sorry what you're going through @Suddenlysolo it doesn't sound like he's gone for good though. He's punishing you. But this is an opportunity to decide what you want. You sound like a wonderful mum.

@pointythings my husband does the "I'm not parenting anymore because I can't do anything right thing". He started it after I said I'd leave if he kept shouting at our 4 year old. Now when things get tricky he says "can you sort your kids out?"

@Shouldbedoing when you say "are you happy with 5050. I wouldn't". That sounds like it's an option to refuse 5050?? I didn't think it was like that. I thought that just shitty parenting style was no reason for the dad not getting 50% if that's what he would want?

I couldn’t sit there and watch my DH tell off my child for playing with toys I’d packed for him and not wanting to eat something. Poor kid. Your decision if you want to stay with someone like this, I couldn’t but of course he’s still going to be parenting your child. He clearly doesn’t think he did anything wrong

Seems she got him bang on to me.

Be glad he’s gone. If he’s been in counselling for years to improve his relationships (or not) then it seems it’s him and not you. Do yourself a favour and make his leaving permanent.

@DPotter it is IS his ego that's causing the problem...wanting his kids to be model kids so HE looks good..no interest or concern for what it's like to be 4 years old. Total "I need my child to behave so I feel good about myself".

She absolutely does not need to apologise. If only he would listen. It's his ego that's driven him to have a self pitying strop too.

Please read (discreetly) Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? before you do anything else, and take some days to reflect.

I’ve not read anything above that suggests you need to apologise, or that you’ve been inappropriate in any way. If you feel that you have, or that PP have implied this, then it’s a red flag that his behaviour is having a worse impact on you than you realise.

Whether he comes back or not please read the book, think about what is best for you and your boys, and reach out for support where you can (including getting legal advice ideally from someone who has expertise dealing with men like your husband). His professional success does not excuse his behaviour to you. Neither does his past trauma unless he is prepared to acknowledge that and apologise to the children when he acts out as a result of it. Children learn all kinds of things from their parents - it’s worth considering what you want your sons to learn from him directly - and from watching you tolerate his behaviour.

I think you’ll find the above book eye opening and very compassionate. You can download on kindle/apple books. Good luck x

Have your differences in parenting approaches been discussed in counselling?

It's very difficult to work through as when it arises, you're in the middle of what is often a stressful situation. And you both genuinely feel that you're right.

I would take a breather and sit with your feelings for a few days. Don't act yet, whether thats making amends or triggering a separation. Allow yourself to think through the full situation. Where you're at otherwise in the relationship. Is everything else healthy?

I also wouldn't push him for a response yet. He's obviously in black and white thoughts at the moment (his way, or your way). He needs time to also think through what he wants. How much is he willing to lose, to have the perfectly raised child (in his eyes).

Raising young children isn't easy. I know many (most) relationships that are nearly at breaking point at times with young children. The stress, pressure, busyness, complexity is enough to send many marriages down the shitter. If it's not disagreeing over discipline, it's one parent not pulling their weight. Obviously some relationships don't suffer but, from my experience at least, most do.

I think time will tell. Give yourself a week to settle, with space from each other. Hopefully in time you'll know what you want to do. It sounds like he's lost a lot of perspective. Are there any other stessors going on for him at the moment?

(And I don’t mean apologising excuses his behaviour. Nor does apologising mean you have to tolerate his behaviour if it’s hurting you or the children. I just meant there’s a dog between someone who is prepared to acknowledge their shortcomings and repair problems, then someone who for instance, says it’ll all be fine if they just “check out”. One is seeking to take responsibility and grow as a person - even though it may not save the relationship. The other is just busy absolving themselves of responsibility)

That’s a deeply manipulative text he’s sent.

what do you want op? It sounds like you’re done to me. And to be honest, so would I be. I couldn’t be round such dysfunctional behaviour and I’d not let my child be subjected to it either.

Good on you for standing up for your son.
I would say a 4yo sitting still playing with his toys at a boring meal out is good behaviour.
And no way my 4yo would eat guac. I might put some on his plate when we are having it but he's not obligated to eat it. My DH won't eat it either and I certainly don't tell him off for it.

I've had to sit through long formal lunches with toddlers while listening to Victorian style criticism.
Wriggling and not wanting a particular food is hardly feral or naughty, rude behaviour! and you say that the rest of the guests were happy to see DS. Lots of people hate guacamole and its quite a strong tasting food for a child.

Its not fair to berate a child a long time after the event when he's arrived home, issuing increasing threats, when the poor little guy is hiding his face in a cushion and crying. That is just bullying and intimidation. You didn't undermine DH. You asked to speak to him outside, which was the right thing to do.

He is the one that should be apologising for storming off "in a rage". I don't think this episode is even about different parenting styles... Its about making you and the DC "obey".

I think I know in my gut I’m done. It was the marching back into the living room and giving DS the cartoons + chocolate that was actually the snap for me.

using a 4yo as a tool to try and point score

I will not let him do that.

@Nanny0gg and @WeighingUpMyOptions

Challenging someone who has anger issues in this way, isn't going to calm the situation though is it, even if Suddenleysolo is in the right.

I'd get a bloody locksmith first before a lawyer. Don't let that nasty cunt back in your home.

But details, is the house jointly owned? Mortgage and deeds in both names? You will need advice.

He'll probably come back tomorrow I'd imagine, so be prepared for that.

You're right not to put up with this shite any longer though, it's not healthy for you or your children.

I definitely should have avoided being unkind in the moment. But is there ever a good time to challenge someone with anger issues… I think I avoid challenging him too often because I don’t want to deal with the fallout (turns out I’m quite effectively trained on reflection) - I think Adrenalin emboldens me.

I don’t want this life for my boys perfect little brains.

we’re going to stay with my parents for the week tomorrow after I pick DS1 from school. They haven’t asked any questions and are excited to spend time with the boys. Will give me some breathing room + headspace to plan next steps.

I wish I didn’t feel so humiliated by it all.

There's nothing to be humiliated over @Suddenlysolo , you're a strong woman who recognises his behaviour is unacceptable and will no longer tolerate it. You should be fucking proud of yourself!

He should be ashamed of himself, vile man.

His text was pathetic, so childish and passive aggressive. Don’t respond to it, let him make all the running if he realizes that he’s messed up.

If he doesn’t, you’ve got your answer.

Either way, you have to move forward differently. Either you’re ending the marriage or you work together (with his full cooperation) to co-parent.