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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has just walked out

144 replies

Suddenlysolo · 10/09/2023 19:37

Sorry this is really long. Name changed for some anonymity… I just need to tell someone so it’s not just me.

my husband and I have had some disagreements for a while about the degree of discipline that is appropriate. He’s never been shouty or remotely violent. But he has (I feel) slightly unrealistic expectations of how well behaved small boys are capable of being. We had a long, quite formal family lunch, and they were wriggling about / playing with toys at the table / being a bit strident about what they didn’t aNt to eat. He got annoyed with me for not managing them better and ‘him always having to be the bad cop’

later today he was trying to talk to our DS (4) about his earlier behaviour - and DS was hiding his face in a cushion and not engaging. He started escalating threats - if you don’t speak to me I’ll take away your lego, if you don’t start talking to me there will be no ice cream ever again etc.

I asked to speak to him outside the room - and suggested that if he took his ego out of the equation and left DS to his own devices a bit he’d be easier to talk to later on. (DS is 4. He gets overwhelmed if he’s peppered with questions)

DH lost his mind with me, told me I’m a terrible parent + a horrible person. That I am incapable of discipline or structure in my own life and my total lack of order is going to raise boys who can’t cope with the realities of life.

said ‘how dare you a lot’ and then marched into our youngest son and gave him chocolate and turned on cartoons - both the things he’d said that DS couldn’t have

before telling me that he couldn’t bare watching me destroy our childrens lives.

then he packed a bag and left.

he has a bit of a temper which has flared up in the past. And I’ve been understanding about it because he’s got quite a traumatic history - and has been very contrite. But this feels different.

we have got different approaches to discipline. Generally I am a softer touch, more keen to find a positive way forward - whereas he’s more reward / consequences focussed. I respect his way of doing things - he’s consistent + generally has an excellent relationship with his sons. They love him.

I don’t want that sort of anger around my DSs. I don’t want them hearing anyone speak to me the way he spoke to me this evening. I recognise that there are plenty of ways in which I could show up more supportively - but this isn’t a functional marriage. I feel so sad and anxious. I’m almost relieved he’s gone.

My boys are both peacefully in bed now - so I’m keeping myself even keeled by trying to make a plan. What do I need to do first?

I’m a SAHM - this week I’ll sign up with supply agencies (was a teacher, people always need teachers, I’m pretty confident I can find a temp job very quickly)

I’ll tell the boys he’s travelling for work this week (he travels a lot - they won’t bat an eyelid) and then we can make a plan for how to talk to the boys about it - is this something to ask for help from a child therapist? I’d love any ideas here…

I’m going to have to summon up the courage to tell all our friends + my family. Who will be shocked. I don’t want to have to deal with their pity / worry when I’m trying to hold it all together for the boys.

urgh. I feel horrible, and lonely, and so sad for my boys, me, and the future I thought we’d have. I have loved him so much.

do I find a lawyer?

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/09/2023 23:05

he replied saying ‘I am ok, I have decided not to hold DS4 to account any more or question your decision making, I don’t think we’ll have problems as long as I check out completely’

He has decided not to hold DS4 to account any more!

For what? Picking the wrong conker off the floor? Jumping in puddles from the wrong direction? Colouring the sky green instead of blue?

4 yo children do not need to be held account, they are little and to be treasured.

Of course what he's really saying is, do as I say otherwise I am threatening to leave you.

He sounds like a nightmare tbh.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 23:08

Suddenlysolo · 10/09/2023 19:58

We’ve had some counselling. We see someone once a month as a check in. Our last session was so positive. which makes it all feel so Jekyll + Hyde

I think he probably will come back and be contrite. But what am I signing up to if I tell him it’s all ok. Doesn’t that just ok him talking to me like that?

I’ve spent too much time already feeling anxious about his impending temper when he’s wound up about something. I don’t want to be reduced to tiptoe-ing around and toeing the line to keep the peace.

I definitely have some work to do on myself - I can be quite selfish + I am, by nature, quite scatty. I get that these are frustrating to live with.

I genuinely don’t think I’m a bad parent. The boys are lovely and loved (and clean + fed + chased around outside + read to + all the things.) - I don’t think he’s a bad parent either.

I DO need to get a job. It has been very bad for my self esteem being a dependent. And youngest DS is 20ms now.

I agree get a job. No need to do immediately though unless that will help.

My ex walked out on me in a similar blow out argument. It's awful. They seem to have similar temperaments.

If sort of reads as though despite the shock and stress part of you is a little relieved and wants to move forward with life without him. Good!!!

As a former teacher I'm sure you are much more qualified for knowing how to deal with behaviour and what are reasonable expectation for a four year old btw.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 23:09

So my ex also had a go at me for disorganization etc - they are control freaks these guys.

I don't miss him being around now and I think he is a better parent for only seeing our child in small doses so he never gets triggers

Original poster
Suddenlysolo · 10/09/2023 23:14

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 23:09

So my ex also had a go at me for disorganization etc - they are control freaks these guys.

I don't miss him being around now and I think he is a better parent for only seeing our child in small doses so he never gets triggers

Such a control freak.

It makes him extremely good at his job. And very bad at valuing other humans…

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 23:16

@Suddenlysolo knew it!!!

You will be so much better without him. Stay strong!!! 🥰

MeridaBrave · 10/09/2023 23:17

Your DH is totally unrealistic about how well small kids can behave. And also his refusal to take on responsibly for their behaviour - got annoyed with me for not managing them better, like no, they are small kids and it’s a boring formal lunch.

re: coming back. It’s not about it being ok. It’s about him apologising for unrealistic expectations of small kids and for blaming you for their totally normal behaviour. And then later trying to tell of what sounds like normal small kid behaviour…. sounds abusive and controlling. As they grow kids learn what’s acceptable… at 4 they aren’t even in school. I’d expect a 8/9 year old to behave at formal lunch, but 4 is so young. And to leave over kids behaviour seems drastic.

Only you know whether you can get past the current issues.. good luck.

Northernsouloldies · 10/09/2023 23:17

The comment, the children need to learn the realities of life considering your eldest is four are the utterances of someone that's unhinged.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 23:21

IF you were ever to consider letting him back (and I wousknt) it would be dependent on him learning about child development and parenting strategies for example from a family support worker, a family therapist or a psychologist BEFORE he moves back in

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 23:28

My ex was like this. Explosion and storming off calling me names and all the ‘how dare yous’.

Now our child is older he’s also struggling with her ‘answering him back’ which is just totally normal tween child behaviour. In fact people always comment on how well behaved and pleasant she is.

But some men just can’t bear not being in control. The ‘how dare you’ line sums it all up.

anyway, mines an ex and life is dreamy now!

Maddy70 · 10/09/2023 23:30

Tbh your parenting does seem a bit lax, and on face value of this post it seems like he feels he is doing all the discipline and he feels that's unfair and that's creating tension

Parenting is hard work and definitely puts strain on any marriage it does seem like you were not supporting him and giving in to the children. You both need to be more consistent

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 23:30

And you mention his job. My ex got worse the more senior he became - he just expected everyone to toe his line. In fact he still does but I can blissfully ignore him!

susan123graeme · 10/09/2023 23:32

Wow - I read only the first two paragraphs then thought why are you with this awful man ... follow your gut instinct and split from him

pointythings · 11/09/2023 08:21

@Maddy70 that's your take on the OP? I hope you don't spend a lot of time with young children, because that little boy did nothing wrong. And authoritarian parenting is poor parenting.

Shouldbedoing · 11/09/2023 11:21

My earlier comment about 50:50 and a return to work needs explaining. Also since then OP has said she has a baby too. I would caution against a knee jerk rush back to work with 2 young kids when family separation is a lot to take on for them. I would also caution against putting myself into a position where I had no better availability to be resident parent than their father. They need mother most at this age. By all means work a couple of days for your sanity. Your STBXH is unlikely to want the hard graft of sick days, school holiday care (you're OK there 😉) dental appointments, buying new shoes all the stuff of parenting. He sounds far too important for such matters. He might want 50:50 in principle though. Be canny. He can be father of the year every other weekend and one night a week which sounds like more hands-on than he's had to date.

Original poster
Suddenlysolo · 11/09/2023 11:39

Shouldbedoing · 11/09/2023 11:21

My earlier comment about 50:50 and a return to work needs explaining. Also since then OP has said she has a baby too. I would caution against a knee jerk rush back to work with 2 young kids when family separation is a lot to take on for them. I would also caution against putting myself into a position where I had no better availability to be resident parent than their father. They need mother most at this age. By all means work a couple of days for your sanity. Your STBXH is unlikely to want the hard graft of sick days, school holiday care (you're OK there 😉) dental appointments, buying new shoes all the stuff of parenting. He sounds far too important for such matters. He might want 50:50 in principle though. Be canny. He can be father of the year every other weekend and one night a week which sounds like more hands-on than he's had to date.

I think he’s self aware enough to know that more than that would be more than he could handle.

he’s sent me a series of messages this morning telling me he is just going to disappear because he can’t bear to watch his children grow up without his values.

I feel bad that he’s in such a hole - but I suspect when he’s emerged from it he’s will want contact. I hope he does. I know he loves them. I don’t want them to internalise him leaving as something wrong with them.

OP posts:
NonMiDispiace · 11/09/2023 11:42

So he’s using emotional blackmail to try and scare you into grovelling to have him back?
i’d sent a cheery ‘Ok!’ and a 👍

SavBlancTonight · 11/09/2023 11:47

He's not in "a hole". He is pulling out all the stops to manipulate you because, unlikely previous times when he's convinced you to step back/not challenge him etc, you are not dancing to his tune.

I mean, what "values" is he talking about? Values like being overly strict with a 4 year old? That's not a bloody value. If he was super religious and you weren't, I could see him being upset that his children wouldn't being raised that way. But that's not what's happening here. His "upset" is that his behaviour is being questioned and a light shone on it. Negatively.

Also, let's be clear - he is threatening to leave you, leave the children, possibly suicide - all to make you feel bad for him. I would respond with something like, "values are things like good manners and a belief in the rule of law, not getting excessively and unreasonably angry with a 4 year old who is getting a bit restless. If you choose to not be in their lives, that is on you."

Beaverbridge · 11/09/2023 11:48

Bye then, off you pop!!. Attention seeking arsehole.

ValerieDoonican · 11/09/2023 11:57

Wow what a tosser! He is trying to frame his petulant and abusive tantrum as valid distress at the transgression of his "values" - which actually boil down to "getting his own way at all times right or wrong, and not losing face by being confronted with his own gross unreasonableness". Some "values"!

He can't bear to watch his children being brought up by someone who does not always put their Dad's sacred boss status before anyone's wellbeing, is what he's saying. Well at least you know now. Im so sorry, you must feel perfectly horrible 💐

ValerieDoonican · 11/09/2023 11:58

Or "it must feel" I should have said

GerbilsForever24 · 11/09/2023 11:58

I don’t want them to internalise him leaving as something wrong with them.

If and when he does disappear forever (and I suspect he won't - he's currently trying to see how hard he can push you so that you roll over), you just need to make sure that you don't ever suggest that they were the problem. "Daddy finds things more difficult and stressful than other people."

DemelzaandRoss · 11/09/2023 11:58

You will be better off without him. This behaviour will only get worse.
You won’t constantly be treading on eggshells.
Time to put you & DC first.

pointythings · 11/09/2023 12:29

Everything that's been said - don't let his 'values' bullshit derail you. His values are all about unquestioning obedience to The Great Parental Authority, and all for quietly playing during an interminable dull lunch and not wanting to eat guacamole. As your DC get older, his demands will get more ridiculous. You're well out of it.

Shapemyeyebrows · 11/09/2023 13:00

He clearly doesn’t see the hypocrisy in his actions. He claims to have values. Yet he is prepared to walk out on his own family just because he’s not getting his own way? He also seems to be unrealistic about how a 4 year old should behave. Did he himself have a very strict upbringing? Be seen but not heard?

IsThePopeCatholic · 11/09/2023 13:13

He sounds petulant and arrogant. You’re better off without him.