Husband has just walked out

[Suddenlysolo]

Sorry this is really long. Name changed for some anonymity… I just need to tell someone so it’s not just me.

my husband and I have had some disagreements for a while about the degree of discipline that is appropriate. He’s never been shouty or remotely violent. But he has (I feel) slightly unrealistic expectations of how well behaved small boys are capable of being. We had a long, quite formal family lunch, and they were wriggling about / playing with toys at the table / being a bit strident about what they didn’t aNt to eat. He got annoyed with me for not managing them better and ‘him always having to be the bad cop’

later today he was trying to talk to our DS (4) about his earlier behaviour - and DS was hiding his face in a cushion and not engaging. He started escalating threats - if you don’t speak to me I’ll take away your lego, if you don’t start talking to me there will be no ice cream ever again etc.

I asked to speak to him outside the room - and suggested that if he took his ego out of the equation and left DS to his own devices a bit he’d be easier to talk to later on. (DS is 4. He gets overwhelmed if he’s peppered with questions)

DH lost his mind with me, told me I’m a terrible parent + a horrible person. That I am incapable of discipline or structure in my own life and my total lack of order is going to raise boys who can’t cope with the realities of life.

said ‘how dare you a lot’ and then marched into our youngest son and gave him chocolate and turned on cartoons - both the things he’d said that DS couldn’t have

before telling me that he couldn’t bare watching me destroy our childrens lives.

then he packed a bag and left.

he has a bit of a temper which has flared up in the past. And I’ve been understanding about it because he’s got quite a traumatic history - and has been very contrite. But this feels different.

we have got different approaches to discipline. Generally I am a softer touch, more keen to find a positive way forward - whereas he’s more reward / consequences focussed. I respect his way of doing things - he’s consistent + generally has an excellent relationship with his sons. They love him.

I don’t want that sort of anger around my DSs. I don’t want them hearing anyone speak to me the way he spoke to me this evening. I recognise that there are plenty of ways in which I could show up more supportively - but this isn’t a functional marriage. I feel so sad and anxious. I’m almost relieved he’s gone.

My boys are both peacefully in bed now - so I’m keeping myself even keeled by trying to make a plan. What do I need to do first?

I’m a SAHM - this week I’ll sign up with supply agencies (was a teacher, people always need teachers, I’m pretty confident I can find a temp job very quickly)

I’ll tell the boys he’s travelling for work this week (he travels a lot - they won’t bat an eyelid) and then we can make a plan for how to talk to the boys about it - is this something to ask for help from a child therapist? I’d love any ideas here…

I’m going to have to summon up the courage to tell all our friends + my family. Who will be shocked. I don’t want to have to deal with their pity / worry when I’m trying to hold it all together for the boys.

urgh. I feel horrible, and lonely, and so sad for my boys, me, and the future I thought we’d have. I have loved him so much.

do I find a lawyer?

You're completely overreacting. I know what OP meant, and it was a fair comment.

What her OH said to her was much worse.

he replied saying ‘I am ok, I have decided not to hold DS4 to account any more or question your decision making, I don’t think we’ll have problems as long as I check out completely’

What a twattish response. Really manipulative too.

'Holding ds4 to account'? Who talks like that about their dc?!

💐, OP. Your h still has a long way to go in working on himself.

he’s sent me a series of messages this morning telling me he is just going to disappear because he can’t bear to watch his children grow up without his values.

He sounds more childish by the minute, this isn’t how a parent behaves when they have their children’s best interests at heart. Don’t respond, OP. As PP’s have said, he’s hoping that you’ll roll over and agree to whatever he wants.

Just made the silly silly silly mistake of calling him to ask what his plans were.

I am disrespectful + he would rather die than have to watch his children be destroyed by my parenting. ‘If society would allow it, it would be best for him to take them from me completely - but that won’t happen, so he will never see them again.

But apparently its not about them, it’s about me.

any hope I might have had that he’d find some contrition + apologise after 24 hours cool down have disappeared.

I won’t contact him again unless it’s about practical things. I don’t need him for child care and I can hold it together until the boys are down in the evenings. I don’t want to have to tell people IRL because that makes it all seem so real

I don’t think there are going to be big financial battles, or custody battles.

just an awful lot of very very sad soul searching. And healing.

I should be relieved. But at the moment I just feel very very sad.

Threatening to leave? I would hope it was a promise. 🤞

I really OP doesn’t continue in this horrible marriage, some relationships should be terminated and this is one of them.

Keep strong OP. Leaving him is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. You’re sad because what should have been a happy family wasn’t but you will feel so much happier in yourself when you no longer have to share your space, physical and mental, with him.

Reading through al the posts, DH walking out is probably the best thing that could happen for your family. He obviously won't change his position and you definitely shouldn't change yours. Think of your son hiding behind a cushion and stay strong!

I can smell a big whiff of another woman.

He deliberately creating issues then using them to blame you for him leaving;this is the narrative he'll feed others for the breakdown of your relationship and him opting out of parenting and them puff he'll announce he's met someone new (and I'd put money on him meeting them through his job).

I am disrespectful + he would rather die than have to watch his children be destroyed by my parenting. ‘If society would allow it, it would be best for him to take them from me completely - but that won’t happen, so he will never see them again.

OP, I am sorry. He's really pulling out all the ridiculous stops, even though it's irrational. This kind of disordered thinking is impossible to change or engage with. Any normal, rational person could pick apart each of those statements but ...

Keep strong. I know you don't want to be telling everyone but is there a close friend or family member you can call or who can perhaps come over and be with you?

I’m sorry to make light of a very serious situation, but does he think he’s in a soap opera? His messages are so ridiculous and over-dramatic.
My feeling is that he’s cranking up the drama in the hope that you’ll capitulate and start agreeing with him. But that’s nothing to do with what’s best for your children.

Try not to text him again, OP, focus on your children and your plans. You mentioned going to stay with your parents this week? I’d do that, you need the support. 💐

He's a nasty bully who thinks he can throw his weight around to get what he wants because he can't be bothered to learn how to deal with other people or alter his own behaviour

All his behaviour is essentially bullying and manipulation. He thinks if he's tough enough with your DS your DS will bow to his will, rather than bothering to learn how to actually parent his child

He's trying to manipulate and bully you to get what he wants. His consequences will get more and more dramatic because you aren't giving into his demands. Exactly the same as he did with your DS

I bet he behaves the same way in the work place, and is too arrogant to acknowledge that this isn't appropriate behaviour

You know he won't change. He's a nasty, arrogant man and that is at his core. You are doing the right thing for you and your DC future

He is awful narcissistic immature and can only see this situation from his own perspective and how it impacts him and his feelings, not his boys or yours. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you.
Well done for being strong and it is ok and normal to be sad that things have come to this. The relief will take a while to come but it will x

He doesn't think you're a good mum, so instead he'll disappear and never see the kids again?

That makes absolute sense doesn't it.

He's crazy.

Agree

Exactly, @SandyY2K , his behavior makes no sense at all.

You're allowed to be sad. You thought you had a husband who was working to improve himself and learn to be a good parent. The disappointment must be immense.

But never forget you are doing this for your sons. They deserve a calm, sensible parent with good boundaries and a real understanding of children and their development. That's you. The petulant authoritarian tosspot is him.

Keep working at your escape. Stand tall, head held high. You've got this.

Do you know what, there is no need to feel humiliated, he is being really bizarre.
Yes, go to your parents. I would also be very wary of letting him have unsupervised contact until he has stopped all the disappearing completely and not wanting them to be brought up with your values stuff. He sounds unhinged.
You do need to speak to people in real life. He is not behaving rationally.
Make sure all communication is by text or email now.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's making it about values but there's hard facts to support your parenting style. THat's the weird thing. THis is all about control then from him? Has he - for eg read a parenting book ever? A quick look at almost any parenting class type environment or neuroscience of developing brain would tell him you're right and he's....wrong

Well this took a turn, how utterly oddly he is behaving, I assume there is a back story here in terms of his ability to adult? That sort of response I’d be expecting from an early teen hooked on drama throwing a tantrum .

You have every right to feel sad and sorry at the end of a marriage... but do not feel humiliated by his inability to cope with the responsibilities he has.

If you were the crap mother he says, he would have already done absolutely everything in his power to remove those kids from you. ANY parent who thinks their kids are unsafe physically or mentally would do so.

So basically, he finds fatherhood a bit tricky, blames you for being soft and wants to opt out. (Probably also someone other waiting in the wings... usually is)

You are the safe haven for your kids, you sound like you have support around you. Tell them all about it. He will, and his tales will paint him as the victim who was thrown out.

Yes, this. Has he been controlling in lots of ways that you let slide for a long time? And now that he's doing it to your DC, this is the moment you've thought, "hell no"?

Wow, OP. This must have been a shock for you, and of course you need time to feel sad.

It doesn't matter that your parenting styles are different (as long as it's not abusive or neglectful), but you two could not agree on a way to parent together and that will never work.

Also, honestly, he sounds horrible to live with.

From here on out, you do not control his behaviour and should not bother trying. He may see his sons; he may do just as he's said and walk away without a backward glance. Lots of men do.

I don’t want to have to tell people IRL because that makes it all seem so real

This has jumped out at me.

It IS real, OP, and you need to start right now telling people what is going on about your DH's behaviour. Otherwise you are simply and invisibly feeling pressured to keep his dirty little secrets for him in a misplaced fear that his behaviour is your responsibility. This will be what has been going on for years. This is why you fear and feel humiliation.

Let the light shine in on your relationship. Tell your family and friends. Let the sun and air in and it will help show you what needs to be done. It will help you understand what is actually you rather than your reaction to being with him, and will help you see what you and your children need.

He is acting erratically. How can he just walk away from his kids like this, it’s disgusting him using this technique to manipulate you. He sounds like a bully, and as another poster said, I also would be questioning if someone else could be in the background. Because his behaviour is so unhinged it’s almost like he’s turned what was a nothing situation into a reason to leave. Either way, he is the terrible parent here, not you.

Actually crying? Seriously?