Sorry this is really long. Name changed for some anonymity… I just need to tell someone so it’s not just me.
my husband and I have had some disagreements for a while about the degree of discipline that is appropriate. He’s never been shouty or remotely violent. But he has (I feel) slightly unrealistic expectations of how well behaved small boys are capable of being. We had a long, quite formal family lunch, and they were wriggling about / playing with toys at the table / being a bit strident about what they didn’t aNt to eat. He got annoyed with me for not managing them better and ‘him always having to be the bad cop’
later today he was trying to talk to our DS (4) about his earlier behaviour - and DS was hiding his face in a cushion and not engaging. He started escalating threats - if you don’t speak to me I’ll take away your lego, if you don’t start talking to me there will be no ice cream ever again etc.
I asked to speak to him outside the room - and suggested that if he took his ego out of the equation and left DS to his own devices a bit he’d be easier to talk to later on. (DS is 4. He gets overwhelmed if he’s peppered with questions)
DH lost his mind with me, told me I’m a terrible parent + a horrible person. That I am incapable of discipline or structure in my own life and my total lack of order is going to raise boys who can’t cope with the realities of life.
said ‘how dare you a lot’ and then marched into our youngest son and gave him chocolate and turned on cartoons - both the things he’d said that DS couldn’t have
before telling me that he couldn’t bare watching me destroy our childrens lives.
then he packed a bag and left.
he has a bit of a temper which has flared up in the past. And I’ve been understanding about it because he’s got quite a traumatic history - and has been very contrite. But this feels different.
we have got different approaches to discipline. Generally I am a softer touch, more keen to find a positive way forward - whereas he’s more reward / consequences focussed. I respect his way of doing things - he’s consistent + generally has an excellent relationship with his sons. They love him.
I don’t want that sort of anger around my DSs. I don’t want them hearing anyone speak to me the way he spoke to me this evening. I recognise that there are plenty of ways in which I could show up more supportively - but this isn’t a functional marriage. I feel so sad and anxious. I’m almost relieved he’s gone.
My boys are both peacefully in bed now - so I’m keeping myself even keeled by trying to make a plan. What do I need to do first?
I’m a SAHM - this week I’ll sign up with supply agencies (was a teacher, people always need teachers, I’m pretty confident I can find a temp job very quickly)
I’ll tell the boys he’s travelling for work this week (he travels a lot - they won’t bat an eyelid) and then we can make a plan for how to talk to the boys about it - is this something to ask for help from a child therapist? I’d love any ideas here…
I’m going to have to summon up the courage to tell all our friends + my family. Who will be shocked. I don’t want to have to deal with their pity / worry when I’m trying to hold it all together for the boys.
urgh. I feel horrible, and lonely, and so sad for my boys, me, and the future I thought we’d have. I have loved him so much.
do I find a lawyer?