Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

[branchscreen]

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

You made a mistake. You are not a monster. But if you do love your husband, and you believe that he loves and trusts you, then you have to tell him. This is not about offloading your guilt or otherwise - that’s irrelevant - he needs and deserves to know so he can decide what he wants to do. If you don’t give him that choice then you do not truly love him and your relationship from here on in is a lie.

As someone said you’ve not killed anyone. You’ve just had sex outside of your relationship. Something thousands do every day. Something the MAJORITY of married men have done. They’re not wringing their hands and crying for weeks.

Lock it in a box, forget about it and have a happy life with your husband.

What about what her DH would want though? OP is the one who cheated, why is it about what she wants?

It isn't about OP causing as little hurt as possible, it's about OP not wanting her marriage to end.

If you don’t give him that choice then you do not truly love him and your relationship from here on in is a lie

er, you do know this is just according to you @Malarandras. I don’t agree with that at all

Wow

Why did you do it? What made you choose to break your own vows and integrity?
You feel awful so I am guessing you chose to marry your husband, you chose to enter a monogamous relationship and presumably you expect your husband to remain faithful? You need to work out why you did this. The real why. You have a BUT in your monogamy. I am faithful but not when on a works do. I am faithful but not if the pheromones are different to what I’ve previously experienced. I am faithful but not if my colleague keeps going on at me. What really is your but. Until you have worked out your but and your why (not it’s nothing to do with your dh - he’s just collateral damage to your poor choice), you are an unsafe partner.

You mentioned flattery and attention. I call this smoke being blown up your arse. I don’t find anyone who would cheat on their wife attractive. Why is the word of a man of low integrity flattering? Why did you find this man appealing enough to trust him with a secret that could ruin your life. Why do you need this attention and flattery? I think You said your husband is a good match for you- so why? Don’t rewrite history to validate your choice - work out why you did this.

Marriages don’t cause infidelity. I don’t believe in unmet needs causing cheating. That’s ridiculous. It’s a choice. It’s why often one person in a marriage cheats. Anyone who thinks ‘my marriage isn’t great let me shag someone else secretly’ is only thinking about themselves. Presuming you want your marriage to improve 1) it’s secret so how will it fix anything? You are just adding lies, complications and mess to something you want to make better. 2) it’s like having a hole in the roof and dowsing it with kerosene and lighting a match. Cracking a nut with a sledgehammer. If your marriage isn’t working use conversation/ counselling and then hold on to your dignity and leave!

If your marriage sucks (which doesn’t seem to be your problem) then divorce.

Vegetarians choose not to eat meat. It’s a choice they make daily. You could pop a bacon sandwich in front of them and they choose to say no. They are vegetarian for them. Bag of haribos at the cinema - no thank you. Anything you do or try and tempt them with will result in No as could not make that vegetarian eat meat. It’s a choice they have made . They have integrity.

Being faithful is a choice I make. I don’t do it for my husband (he can be annoying at times). I do it purely for me. I am faithful because I chose to be faithful. I want my word to mean something to me, what do I have without my word? I choose to have integrity. I have no desire to be a person with low self worth skulking about with another low quality person. (It makes me think if a 13 year with cigarettes behind a bike shed) I have to look at myself in the mirror every day for the rest of my life. My husband is my collateral damage from this choice.

People cheat due to poor boundaries - you knowing and putting yourself in a position this could happen shows you have poor boundaries. People find others attractive, so don’t be alone with them.
Some need smoke blowing up their arse to feel good about themselves - you need to work out why? Why can’t you feel good about you without a man with low morals validating you? Others have low self esteem/self worth. Others are angry with their partner. Or they are capable of compartmentalising. Selfishness and believe they deserve more (100% of their needs being fulfilled rather than the standard 80%).

You need to tell him. Stop trying to control his decision. Stop lying. Your decision was to cheat - this proves you make poor choices - let him make his own choice on his life. Give him agency. Let him choose who to have a child with. Let him decide whether he puts himself at risks from stds (genital warts can be caught even with a condom).

Read how to help my spouse heal from my affair.
Definitely read ‘not just friends’ it explains how you opened your windows to this low quality man (does he play away regularly).
Read cheating in a nutshell.
Surviving infidelity website has a lot of resources.

I wish you well but you need to delve into your why with a counsellor who does not subscribe to the unmet needs idea. Your husband isn’t currently having his need for fidelity met - should he shag someone else?

Cheating and lying, what's the point of being together? This is not a loving partnership and OP can't make it one without being honest.

Yes I do. Thanks for asking. How's yours?

However in OP's scenario, obviously I'd prefer him not to have done it. If he did then no it's not an open an honest relationship. Would I value it any more if he told me, absolutely not. You don't get any prizes for cheating then confessing, personally I'd prefer not to know if it really was a one off. Each to their own.

And yes I would be perfectly OK because I wouldn't know. Sounds a lot better than the pain of being told he's cheating. Coming clean doesn't change that, he'd be a twat either way. I'd prefer to forgoe the heartache.

If it was the other way round and your old man had done this to you would you want to know.

What the fuck, all these people saying don't tell your husband, would you be happy knowing your partner slept with someone else but didn't tell you

I mean you’re missing the point in this situation somewhat! You don’t know. You’re not unhappy. Win.

Look for another job immediately
The fact that you wanted to talk to the OM and the magnetic attraction you have, means it is likely to happen again
It would be wrong of you to tell your DH just to assuage your guilt so I can't advise what to do there
I understand that you can have a chemical reaction with someone else, whilst everything is ok within your marriage

And he doesn't get to decide if the relationship is strong enough? OP chooses on his behalf that the relationship is a) strong enough to take it (in which case, she can tell him), or b) not strong enough to take it (in which case, he needs to know)?

No I agree with that viewpoint.

It's sickening, all the suggestions to keep this from her DH.

It sounds like they are incompatible, not least around sex, and it would be much better off to be honest & face the consequences now, immediately, and definitely before they have DC

Seriously? So 'what you don't know won't hurt you type of thing?'

That's shocking. Really awful

For me it’s a question as to which of the following is more likely:

1. You maintain that total sense of mortification and every time there might be temptation for the rest of your life, you recall, it and it stops you from ever doing similar again. It’s a lesson learned and one you carry and use positively
2. Now you’ve done it once, and know you are capable, in certain circumstances, you end up doing it again. There’s nothing overtly wrong with your marriage so it doesn’t seem to have taken all that which imo makes you vulnerable to it happening again, particularly as kids tend to challenge a relationship and the strength of the bond.

This is amazing

to all the people saying keep it a secret I would like to know, does this attitude extend to your husbands and is it only on the first silly mistake or do they get a hall pass for the second silly mistake too as long as they don’t tell you to keep you safe while sleeping in your bed knowing they have shagged a colleague. How about the third and fourth? What if they reeeeeally regretted it?

do your husbands know that you have this arrangement in your marriage as really it should be a mutual thing?

im actually not as disgusted about the original act that OP clearly regrets deeply than I am about the attitudes of a significant number of people to honesty in their marriages!!

Keep quiet, it's only sex and make sure you never do it again.

Spinningcats

I don't agree that cheating and lying by omission is a decent way to carry on. Why should a cheater get to distort reality? What's the point of being in a partnership if you're just going to be self-centred anyway?

@EarringsandLipstick I mean that’s the entire point of what I was saying. People have different viewpoints. You can’t present statements like @Malarandras did as facts, it’s an opinion.

If I did it I’d examine why and if I determined it was a one off thing I’d forget about it. Im fact I did and 15 years later with a happy family I don’t regret that one tiny little bit.

So, theoretically, everyone can be unfaithful as many times as they like, so long as their spouse doesn't know, and can therefore not be unhappy about it?

Win? If not, where do you draw the line? A one off episode that you regret is fine, but what if it happens once more? That's ok, as long as he doesn't know, right? And if it happens every Saturday night for a while? If he doesn't know, he can't be unhappy, so it's ok?

I mean, seriously, if you don't draw the line of what's acceptable in your marriage based upon the promises and agreement you made to be faithful right at the start, what do you base it all on? Your own individual set of morals that your spouse has never heard of, wouldn't expect of you, and would be horrified about?

Cheating can sometimes be forgiven, lying is harder because when you get found out or you tell on yourself at a later time he will doubt everything about who you are, what your relationship has been since it happened with him not knowing what you did and the kind of stuff you are capable of.

You are removing HIS choice to decide if he wants to work on things and forgive you or for him to say sorry this is a deal breaker and I want to split up.

If he finds out a year, 3 years, 10 years from now and his life is even more enmeshed with yours making it harder to leave and for anyone who knows you to understand you just ripped his heart out (and they won’t really understand because “it was aaaages ago” and therefore somehow time should = distance from all the feelings he will feel).

Yes this might end your marriage but you kind of must have knew that when doing the deed with Mr Electric Sex. So now you let your DH decide if he wants a clean break now or believes you’ll never do this again and he can live with it.

Imagine you found out he did this to you, but at a later date, when you’ve had a baby with him etc. How would you feel?

You fucked up. People do. Now it’s time to pull up your big girl pants and deal with it.

@ThreeLittleDots being a regular cheater is incredibly different from one drunken mistake

OP,
You have a HUGE disconnect in your marriage.

This is going to be an issue and therefore a temptation again.

You shouldn't have married him.

Having a child with him would be a huge mistake.

Definitely get some counselling because you need to figure this out.

This issue will not go away and having a child would be madness.

If you don’t give him that choice then you do not truly love him

Bollocks.

Seriously? So 'what you don't know won't hurt you type of thing?' That's shocking. Really awful

can you articulate why @EarringsandLipstick?