Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

[branchscreen]

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

Why? It's only sex and what they don't know doesn't hurt. Right?

Im fact I did and 15 years later with a happy family I don’t regret that one tiny little bit

But that's because you're happy to lie. Does your spouse know you're happy to lie? Does your spouse know that you think it's ok to be unfaithful to them? Do you think you have a good, honest relationship? Do you know what trust is, and do you feel you have it?

People are so strange.

Can you actually read?

This thread is so fucked up. If it were a man posting then the responses would be very different and we all know that. There would be no deep dive posts questioning the relationship. It would all be about blame.

This is all about choice, you chose to stay with a man who you are not really compatible with. You chose to marry him and commit to him. You chose to drink more than normal and you chose to flirt/cosy up with the OM. You chose to have sex with him. You nearly chose to contact him again today.

Your husband deserves to have a choice about his future, about his sexual health and about whether or not he can trust you.

You're being selfish. It's incredibly selfish not to tell him.

Because honesty and trust are vital in healthy relationships.

SOrry, Earrings, I know it wasn't a question for me, but jeez!

Right now your emotions are running high. Do not tell him. Give it a month or so. Deal with it yourself then make your own decision calmly if you want to tell him. Personally I can’t see the point.

So option a) tell him, option b) tell him? I'd go for option c thanks.

I guess he doesn't get the choice in this scenario, just like he wouldn't have chosen for her to cheat in the first case. It's not fair, but it's the option with less heart ache and if it was the other way round I wouldn't want to know either.

So, theoretically, everyone can be unfaithful as many times as they like, so long as their spouse doesn't know, and can therefore not be unhappy about it?

@Watchkeys that’s not what this thread is about. Op isn’t suggesting being repeatedly unfaithful. I mean plenty of people live in the situation you’ve described (70% of married men have cheated) but I personally wouldn’t want to live in a relationship with a serial cheater as it suggests a certain type of personality. However, a one off drunken night? I don’t wanna know

@Fallingthroughclouds and the rest of you who think it's best to live a lie, I hope that works out for you.

Would you genuinely not prefer to have the choice about staying in a relationship with someone who's cheated on you, though?

@BranchGold ,

If it really was a drunken one off, and you won’t have contact with the OM again, I would forget about it and put it behind you.

But, can you say, hand on heart, that were the OM to message you and say he wanted to meet up to ‘discuss it’, you wouldn’t be tempted? Have you blocked him everywhere?

Yep, it extends to him too. If hr has one stupid, drunken mistake that he immediately regrets and knows he won't repeat, you can bet your bum I don't want him telling me. I don't want anyone else telling me either. You don't have to feel the same way but yes, that's how I feel about it.

I'm happy. I can stay happy the rest of my life. That's what I want.

being a regular cheater is incredibly different from one drunken mistake

I don't agree. I think lying to your life partner for 15 years, taking away reality, consent and agency from them is dispicable, personally.

It's up to them whether to live with "one drunken mistake", not you, IMO.

@Spinningcats

I wasn't questioning 'what the thread was about', I was questioning where you draw your lines. If you'd be happy to live with a cheating liar, that's your gubbins. Seems you're not alone.

I agree.

But then I also don't believe that getting drunk justifies cheating. Many people manage to get drunk and not cheat.

Because honesty and trust are vital in healthy relationships

More so than protection of your loved ones feelings and long term vision @Watchkeys . If, as your best friend, you hate my wedding dress do you tell me? When your wailing child asks if they can sing do you tell the blunt truth? We all tell lies that help make life frictionless.

Absolutely no point in telling him. I literally can’t think of one positive thing that would emerge from doing so?

I don't think you're truly happy with your DH OP, otherwise it wouldn't have happened.

@InFiveMins I'm not sure that's very fair. People when drunk do do stupid things out of character as we all know. Think of drink/driving. No one in their right mind would get behind the wheel of a car drunk (I'm not talking about a couple of glasses/just over the limit - I mean actually drunk and waaay over the limit) because apart from the danger to others and the legal consequences, a rational sober person would know they could kill themselves. But people do do it every day unfortunately. It doesn't mean they have a death wish any more than it means a person who has sex drunk and regrets it can't be in a happy relationship. It's the alcohol that leads to a bad decision.

@branchscreen

I've got some sympathy with the don't tell him, you are unburdening yourself to make yourself feel better and it will destroy your marriage argument. I think there is a lot to be said for this in an established family where it really was a one off, you know they will never find out and you can take it to your grave.

But here @branchscreen I think you do need to tell him for a number of reasons

• your opening post makes it 100% clear that you are so emotionally distressed by this that there is 0% chance you won't tell him at some point, probably when you are drunk and emotional. It will come out as your guilt will get you. Given that it's obvious you will break and tell him and won't be able to take it to your grave, it's better you do it now with pre warning of something major you need to tell him and in a controlled way
• you've only been married a year and don't have children. It's unfair to him to not tell him if you are going to start a family. It's so early in your life journey he needs to know. This is totally different from a scenario where a one off mistake happened in a 20 year marriage with children where a revelation would blow up a family. Here it's about giving him a fair choice.
• honesty is always the best policy.
• you work with this man - it's not like it's a random one night stand at a bar. so there is a risk he will tell people and it will get back to your DH. As they say in Friends ' have you thought about the trail?' (From the man you slept with to your DH). Then not only will he be hurt by the original offence but the fact others knew and you didn't front up to him will be a double betrayal. That's unlikely to be salvagable.
• whatever happens it will be positive for you and your life actually

if he forgives you and chooses to stay, you will know that you do have a strong relationship and that you are beginning on a firmly honest footing. Plus you'll find out very quickly whether he is the kind of person who claims to forgive and then will use it as a stick to beat you with. if he leaves you, you have saved yourself the risk of him leaving your children fatherless later on and you will be in a stronger position characterwise with your next partner as you won't do it again.

I think you should get some help, talk to Samaritans or a therapist. I know others won’t agree, but in your shoes I would absolutely NOT tell DH.

You say this is a one off and you feel awful about it, so deal with that and work through it but don’t blow your life up or cause your DH huge distress. don’t throw away your future for a stupid mistake.

I do think that you should consider cutting all contact with the OM though. He sounds awful, waiting to pounce when you were really drunk. Yuk

If you truly regret what you have done, love your husband ,used protection and will never do it again then dont tell. Knowing what you have done and the feelings of guilt will be the price you will pay on keeping your life together with DH and having kids in the future.

Unburdening yourself to anyone will not reduce the guilt you feel but may end up getting back to your DH.

If I was your DH in this specific case and you loved me, deeply regretted what you did and wont ever do it again then I would rather not know.

do your husbands know that you have this arrangement in your marriage as really it should be a mutual thing

This is the thing. The vows you solemnly made have been shat on and he doesn't even know, let alone get to have any agency. I couldn't live with myself if I did it, but it would be even worse then to lie and deceive for the rest of our lives. Nothing would be sacred any more. Nothing would feel respected or respectful.

I don't agree. I think lying to your life partner for 15 years, taking away reality, consent and agency from them is dispicable, personally

I think there’s a LOT of over-thinkers on here!!

Wow! Fair enough, each to their own I suppose?

does your husband know that’s the arrangement or would he be surprised to know that you’d potentially not tell him about a drunken mistake?

(genuine question not attacking though it might sound that way)

This is the thing. The vows you solemnly made have been shat on and he doesn't even know, let alone get to have any agency. I couldn't live with myself if I did it, but it would be even worse then to lie and deceive for the rest of our lives. Nothing would be sacred any more. Nothing would feel respected or respectful.

great. But you’re not me, you’re you. You’re not right. Nor am I. Neither of us has a moral high ground here

Absolutely no point in telling him. I literally can’t think of one positive thing that would emerge from doing so?

It would satisfy a load of irrelevant strangers' displaced sense of vengeance against cheaters. They tie themselves in pretzels about choice and all that but there's only one choice they think is valid. Basically, they don't ever want a cheater to get away with it, no matter what the circumstances and no matter how much absolutely pointless damage it causes to the partner and family. The cheater must be punished to satisfy them and that really is it.

Not a good enough reason for me. I would not want to be told. You love me, you truly regret it, you know it won't happen again? Don't burden me with it. It's your problem. I don't want to know. Don't tell me.

Ultimately though, it's about the cheater not wanting the relationship to end and it's just another selfish choice they make.

I think there’s a LOT of over-thinkers on here

I think there are a lot of under-thinkers, actually.