Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

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I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

Utter fiction based on nothing but your knowledge he has a penis

This. I can never understand people who don’t tell and pretend it’s some great act of martyrdom to bear the guilt and not upset their OH when all they really care about is not getting into trouble. If a man cheated the answers would be completely different.

I just can’t bear people justifying the lies - if you don’t want to get in trouble then say that

absolute scum baggery and I expect one day the karma train will come around

Not condoning cheating. Nor is OP. Most of us have been blind drunk and absolutely regretted what we have done at times. OP is absolutely devastated. She obviously loves her OH. Im not here to judge.
I cant give any advice OP, Its complex, just sending hugs x

I wouldn’t tell him. If it’s genuinely a one off crazy moment and you are going to stop getting so drunk you do crazy stuff then keep quiet and talk it over with a professional. It will be something that will hang over your marriage forever. I mean you don’t know your DH hasn’t slept with someone in a similar moment of madness whilst away. I know it’s probably the right thing to do to confess but I think a one night stand is a bit different to a full blown affair.

God OP what a situation to be in. I suppose for a moment you have to put yourself in DH’s shoes, would YOU want to know if it was the other way round? On a personal level I’d always want to know so I could make an informed decision. But some may prefer to be left in the dark. All I’d say is offer him the courtesy if you know in your heart you’d like to know if the tables were turned.

You cannot change what you did but I think telling him would probably be the best thing to do. You’ve already begun to examine why you might have done it and if DH is willing to move forward then something like couples therapy would be absolutely worth doing.

thank you to everyone for listening and replying. I am going to seek therapy this week in the time that I have over the next 4 days and will absolutely not contact OM again.
I do really love my husband - I know I’ve done this terrible thing, made a terrible mistake for really terrible reasons but it doesn’t stop him being my best friend and love of my life, and the one I see in my future. I have no emotional connection with OM and although we had flirted before the other day a few times this had always previously felt innocent and I swear this was not premeditated.

You should tell your OH but you need to be clear in your mind that it will either end your marriage or put it on a very different footing than before. It’s a very harsh lesson to be learned and I hope things can be worked out for the best for everyone.

Telling him would only unburden you and would be selfish I think. He is better off not knowing. I don't think a relationship with as little sex as that is sustainable really. I think you have to keep this to yourself and move on.

Then tell him, and see if his love for you makes him decide to stay with you.

@CurlyhairedAssassin has nailed it:

“OP, if you're doing that after only one year of marriage and you and your DH don't have sex that often, with you getting the feeling he sees it as a chore, then do you think that you are really compatible? I mean you can have an emotional connection with anyone, even a best friend. But it doesn't make you a lesbian. With a sexual partner situation, there HAS to be a sexual attraction, even if it wanes a bit after many years together, or stressful life situations get in the way.

It sounds like you didn't have all the things necessary for a successful marriage in the first place. LIke you maybe did the mental checklist and thought you'd ticked most of the boxes so why not? I'm sure there are successful marital partnerships where there isn't much sex going on but usually they are both happy with that. It's clear that you aren't, which is why you've ended up with this OM.

In my view, this mismatch in needs can only create more problems as time goes on, and you have the stress of kids putting pressure on that emotional connection you say you have with your DH. Many women feel much more insecure about their bodies and their attractiveness after having kids and if you don't have your DH reassuring you he finds you sexy and wanting sex with you, you may seek validation elsewhere again. But you'll have a family that is at risk of being broken up by that point and the guilt will be much worse.

If it were me, I would have to tell him, but not to relieve myself of the guilt. Instead it would be to have a serious conversation about the sexual mismatch and to discuss what caused you to go with another man when you're supposed to be happily married to your husband. The mismatch in needs can't be swept under the carpet to fester.”

Reading your OP, I also wondered whether your relationship with your H has in fact run its course. The fact that you want to reach out to the OM tells me this isn’t over for you because that’s such an ill-judged step. And the fact that he said that this was bound to happen some time - you should be appalled that he thought that.

Only you can decide whether or not to risk blowing up your marriage by telling your H what you did. What you’ve said here shows that your relationship is at a very vulnerable point. Honesty now might give it a new lease of life or it might end it. Only you can have any sense of which is likely to be the case.

Don't assuage your guilt by hurting your DH. This pain is yours to bear. If you are truly sorry stay silent to him and to everyone else

You need to get a new job asap - and you need to tell your husband everything. Please don’t drip feed (trickle truth, as it’s known). Don’t expect him to ‘make a decision’ right away - he’ll be in shock. You may need to move out to give him space and time to think. You should cut off all contact with the OM - block him on every platform.

Read ‘How to help my spouse heal from my affair’ (you can read it easily in a day) so you know what you can do if your husband wants to repair.

It might seem like a silly, misguided mistake to you, but it’ll feel like a whole lot more to your husband - he’ll be questioning everything about your relationship. You need to be consistent, accountable and accepting of how he feels.

Not telling him is selfish because ultimately, it's about not wanting him to know because of the risk of him ending the marriage.

Telling him gives him a choice. Taking that choice away after already betraying his trust is being selfish for a second time and basing the future of the marriage on a lie.

You made a big mistake. You say it won't happen again. It was stupid but it's done. What's the point of throwing a bomb into your marriage just to assuage your guilt. You'll hurt your husband and possibly compromise the rest of your relationship for years.
Wear the hair shirt for a week whilst he's on his jolly and then let it go.

This.

You’ve broken your marriage vows and your husband deserves to know. What happens after that is up to him. Personally I would consider it a lucky escape. I wouldn’t want to have children with someone who’s capable of cheating on me.

Telling your partner that you cheated doesn't make you any less guilty, or make you feel any less guilty about it. The cheating is already an irrefutable fact, and you are already guilty of it, by OP's stage. It's too late to assuage that guilt, and that's not what telling your spouse is about; it's about respecting them enough to be able to bear it if they feel they need to leave you. It is literally a 'Whose needs are greater, mine or my spouse's?' thing, and if you keep it to yourself, your guilt is the same, but you also do not meet the needs of your spouse, who thinks they have an agreement with you that you both will be faithful.

I’m another one who thinks don’t tell him. I’ve been in your position OP. It was a one off, I blocked him and have no contact. I didn’t tell my DP because it was a one off mistake that I won’t repeat. I feel extremely guilty but I’m glad I didn’t tell him.

I swear this was not premeditated

Not by you perhaps, but from his line about "this was always bound to happen" it's pretty clear he'd lined you up as a possibility for sex, and equally possible that you're one of many

Which is where the STI testing comes in, both for you and your DH ... unless you're okay with risking his health too?

I don't think you're truly happy with your DH OP, otherwise it wouldn't have happened.

I'm not going to stick the boot in, it's clear you feel shit enough. I think the best thing to do would be to tell your DH, get it out in the open, and if you both want to try and save your marriage you can work on that together.

That’s why people keep it a secret! It has nothing to do with bearing the guilt alone, it’s simply to deny their their half the choice

i feel so sorry for the relationships of anyone on this thread condoning keeping a one night stand a secret and bizarrely trying to justify it as an act of mercy. It’s selfish pure and simple

I agree with this. I’m not sure you need to analyse your whole marriage. Hormones make us do some very silly things but we’re always fighting against nature, which probably never meant for us to be monogamous. I’ve done worse than you OP but my marriage was a bit of a sham….but still I’d be crucified on here. I wish I still had hormones but at least I no longer do silly things.

i feel so sorry for the relationships of anyone on this thread condoning keeping a one night stand a secret and bizarrely trying to justify it as an act of mercy

Same. I couldn't do it to my partner. It would be a lie every moment I didn't speak up, and would invalidate the basis of the relationship. It's bewildering how many seem to think that it's ok to be dishonest about something that would be really really important to their partner.

In a world of STDS - drunk sex definitely 100% merits telling spouse.

No it's not fair. He deserves for it not to have happened, but it has and I think the best thing is for it to cause as little hurt as possible if she definitely wants to stay with him and they have an otherwise strong relationship.