Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

[branchscreen]

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

It's pretty common for men to have low sex drive, so why look further? OP isn't looking to diagnose her husband's 'issue', she's fucked someone else and is considering a lifelong lie about it.

Unless of course you are a man. In which case you are the scum of the earth and your OH should LTB..

As relationships go, 7 years is relatively short. You don’t have kids to consider. I think the best thing for both of you would be to divorce. Seems a no brainier. You could consider just saying something generic like “I just no longer feel we are quite right for each other” to save him the hurt/betrayal of your actions.

If it’s a one off and you feel remorseful I would just take it to your grave. Have the guilt as your punishment. It’s not worth blowing a whole marriage up for.

Agree entirely - you've royally screwed up OP. You know that.

Now you need to give your DH the opportunity (the truth..) to understand how big a deal this is or isn't to him.

It's really not your decision where the relationship goes from here. It's his.

OP, if you're doing that after only one year of marriage and you and your DH don't have sex that often, with you getting the feeling he sees it as a chore, then do you think that you are really compatible? I mean you can have an emotional connection with anyone, even a best friend. But it doesn't make you a lesbian. With a sexual partner situation, there HAS to be a sexual attraction, even if it wanes a bit after many years together, or stressful life situations get in the way.

It sounds like you didn't have all the things necessary for a successful marriage in the first place. LIke you maybe did the mental checklist and thought you'd ticked most of the boxes so why not? I'm sure there are successful marital partnerships where there isn't much sex going on but usually they are both happy with that. It's clear that you aren't, which is why you've ended up with this OM.

In my view, this mismatch in needs can only create more problems as time goes on, and you have the stress of kids putting pressure on that emotional connection you say you have with your DH. Many women feel much more insecure about their bodies and their attractiveness after having kids and if you don't have your DH reassuring you he finds you sexy and wanting sex with you, you may seek validation elsewhere again. But you'll have a family that is at risk of being broken up by that point and the guilt will be much worse.

If it were me, I would have to tell him, but not to relieve myself of the guilt. Instead it would be to have a serious conversation about the sexual mismatch and to discuss what caused you to go with another man when you're supposed to be happily married to your husband. The mismatch in needs can't be swept under the carpet to fester.

Not reas any other answers. If he's away for the week, get an STI test pronto. Then you can decided. Tell him the truth or bury it forever. And then make your bloody mind up. Do you want him or not? Why the hell did you do this? Honestly.

Have the guilt as your punishment. It’s not worth blowing a whole marriage up for

But the marriage is just one year old. And no children. And one night stand. I’d say it’s already been blown up. Why put another 50 years into something that’s just 1 year old and clearly isn’t working.

if it was the other way, ask yourself would you want to know?

But it's not her who's been cheated on (that she knows oh), it's him.

So this rhetorical question is irrelevant.

The question is whetherhe would want to know.

And you won't get an answer to that without triggering his spidey senses (further).

He'd entitled to the opportunity to decide whether he wants to continue the relationship now that his spouse has cheated on him. End of story.

You're taking away his consent in the relationship if you don't.

Having guilt as punishment isn't part of a healthy relationship. How can anybody think that it is?

It's not for OP to decide whether her husband thinks this is worth blowing up their marriage for.

I was going to advise under no circumstances to tell anyone about this however having now read all your posts my honest advice is to tell your DH on his return and end it with him as this will almost certainly happen again in the future due to the lack of sex with your DH which will likely only get worse over time.

You need to tell your husband I just couldn’t not. Your husband can then decide how he wants to proceed with the information he may want some time apart, he may want couples therapy, he may request you look for a new job to be away from this man. But I just couldn’t not tell him :(

Also do get an std test. People are people, you didn't do anything terrible.

Well, yes, obviously it's all the man's fault. Classic Mumsnet. 🙄 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think your husband deserves to know.
Are you happy in the relationship? Are there issues for example him leaving for a holiday while you were having an uncomfortable conversation you didn't get to finish?
You need to decide if you're happy and if this is right for you, and he has the right to know this happened so he too can make an informed decision if he can work through it.

@GilbertMarkham

*But it's not her who's been cheated on (that she knows oh), it's him.

So this rhetorical question is irrelevant.

The question is whetherhe would want to know.

And you won't get an answer to that without triggering his spidey senses (further).

He'd entitled to the opportunity to decide whether he wants to continue the relationship now that his spouse has cheated on him. End of story.

You're taking away his consent in the relationship if you don't.*

Yeah, it’s lying by omission. By not telling him you’re lying to him as the assumption in (most) marriages is of fidelity. On the other hand I think if you wanted to end the relationship, it would be reasonable not to say it, in order to avoid pointless hurt (as the relationship is over anyway).

I agree about phoning Samaritans. You will talk to someone who won’t blame or judge you.

we all make mistakes

Absolutely spot on. 👏

I would want to know because being made to live a lie is the worst thing you can do somebody imo. The cheating I could forgive but if I found out I had been lied to for any length of time I could not forgive that.

Ah yes, but this different. It’s a WOMAN who has slept with someone else, if it had been her HUSBAND, he’d be getting called for everything. Double standards on here are outrageous! Sickening….

I personally think it'd be really scummy not to tell him, and to let this poor man go blindly ahead and have children with a woman so weak willed and pathetic she's already cheated on him in so young a relationship and was strongly considering contacting the man she cheated with because she's just sooooo sad she let him stick his dick in her.

But of course this is Mumsnet where women are forgiven for everything. I'm sure if OP were a man there'd be far fewer people saying "take it to your grave, you're not a bad person, it's ok". Lie to your husband for the rest of your life and marriage, I'm sure that'll have no negative ramifications at all.

I'd just like to send a virtual hug. The pain of guilt is just horrible. For what it's worth I wouldn't contact the man again. I suspect you're hoping to find some justification to help you feel better, but you're unlikely to get it . You're risking an awful lot by telling your husband. I would seriously consider counselling so that you can work out what you want to do next. You've made a mistake , you're only human. Please try to be gentle with yourself

Sorry?

Breaking someone's trust, being deceitful, dishonest and selfish by cheating is bad enough in a committed relationship where you're not married. It might be a mistake, but it is still very, very wrong.

And unless I'm very much mistaken, aren't there sacred vows when you get married?

You have to tell him. If you don't, he isn't continuing a relationship with you based on solid, true foundations. You are robbing him of the chance to make his own mind up, and you will, literally forever if you stay together, have a wedge between you where you have lied. I always see it as basically the other person is no longer consenting to be in the relationship because there's this huge fact they don't know. It's tempting to see telling him as just selfishly transferring the pain to him, and that keeping it to yourself is somehow the kinder option, but it's not true.

It will most likely come out one way or another and if you have lied over time, it'll be worse. It'll be even more hurtful to him to think that you were able to carry on as normal with him after doing something like that (even if nothing felt normal at all to you). I also think given you feel so physically awful about it, he will know something is wrong and then it's yet more lies.

I'm sorry OP, I've been in a similar position and the guilt is unbearable. We managed to work it out and stay together but it was a lot of work. I didn't realise at the time that 1)cheating doesn't mean you don't love your partner (I though that's what it meant but while it meant lots of things, it didn't mean that) and 2)if you can work it out together your relationship can end up better for it. It can force you to address things that you've both let lie.

Ah god, I really feel for you both. What a fucking shitshow.

No, @branchscreen It wasn’t “ Bound to happen”- You had a choice, and chose to be unfaithful to your husband.
You can’t love your husband to do this, OR respect him even.

He deserves to know.
Maybe he won’t mind, but men often do.

How would YOU feel if your husband shagged a workmate that he’d “ Always been attracted to?”