Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

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I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

Clearly not her husband.

Cheating is not a sign of adoring, loving, fancying or wanting to be with someone.

And……this has now been picked up by the tabloids 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Impressed at the number of MNers who think there’s no difference between lying about who ate the last jammy dodger and fucking a coworker

Brilliant 😂😂😂😂

Happens all the time. "Oops, I'm so drunk, my balance is terrible... Oh no, I fell onto a penis again... How careless of me!"

🤦🏻‍♀️

The people who think it’s ok to cheat and not tell, I strongly suspect their other halves are doing it to them too so it’s really a case of you reap what you sow.

So there are times when a cheater is in fact an agent of justice?

Nope they’re both awful and they deserve each other!

You can’t make this go away, OP. If you decide not to tell your husband and if you do love him as much as you say, then you will feel guilty forever. And if he dies before you, it will come back to mind and complicate your grieving in ways you probably cannot imagine.
If you do tell him, and you love him as, etc, then you will have to watch every ounce of the hurt he feels. Worst of all, he might forgive you. Being forgiven sounds good, doesn’t it, but it’s shitty to have to live with long term.
The best outcome, and the one which might enable you to regain some self-respect eventually is that you tell him and he can’t forgive you, and the marriage ends.
That sounds harsh, but believe it or not, I feel a great deal of sympathy for your current situation. Good luck.

But you wouldn't know?!!

How do you know someone is a serial cheater? A cheater is a cheater. Lots of men stay in marriages because of staus quo. Statistically American men who are married make more and are less likely to be employed. And plenty of American women stay married to cheaters and serial cheaters because of economics and getting kids into top schools. But a cheater is a cheater is a cheater.

It's amazing how many people think that being honest with their partner about a mistake 'achieves nothing', as if honesty is nothing.

Completely agree.

After infidelity and the breaking of trust, the only real hope of salvaging anything is through truth.

Many of us haven't fucked anyone else behind our partner's back. Down downplay cheating.

Your husband deserves to know. Keeping something something like this is extremely dishonest.

It's better to 'fess up and deal with the consequences of your action now. Imagine if your husband was to find out later down the line, second hand. The other man might not tell anyone now, but there's no guarantee he'll never tell.

Put yourself in your husband's shoes, and think how you'd feel if you found out he'd cheated on you from somebody else, several years later. I imagine you'd be incredibly hurt on two counts. One, that he'd cheated, and two, that he'd not even told you and kept up this pretense that everything was fine for however long. You'd never be able to trust him again, and wonder what other secrets he'd been keeping from you. Bringing kids into such a dishonest relationship is also a terrible idea.

Not telling him is the easier option, but it's also the coward's route. It's better to be honest now, rather than live with the guilt and worry that he'll eventually come to find out anyway.

And if it costs you your marriage, well, that's just the consequences of your own stupid actions.

You need to tell him, because your husband deserves better.

That's a yes, then.

I don't think anyone thinks it's ok to cheat. There's just a difference of opinion on whether it's always worth dropping the bomb if you do, no matter what the circumstances.

Like I said earlier, it's about vengeance, and that's why you've completely made up the idea that anyone who thinks that in this particular case OP should keep quiet is probably being cheated on themselves and deserves it. Because it's not actually about choice or happiness or honesty, it's about punishing a cheater at all costs...and if you prioritise something else, even for yourself, you are a Bad Person who deserves the worst.

It'll be the same for anyone who tries to work through an affair with a cheater, hence so many posts along the lines of "if he's smart/brave/virtuous, he won't forgive you because good people prioritise punishing cheaters".

It's really solidifying my belief for me, tbh. It's completely spiteful.

Did you take morning after pill? Better not try for a baby or preferably have sex for at least couple months otherwise you won’t know 100% who the father is.

Honesty isn't nothing, but neither is it always the best path. A happy unbroken life between lovers and families isn't nothing either.

‘Your husband deserves to know. Keeping something something like this is extremely dishonest.’

people who say this kind of nonsense are just looking for some drama.
Drama that doesn’t happen if you just keep quiet, chalk it up to experience and work in the relationship with your DH. You are NOT the only one who’s done something like this… far from it

Though lots of people are protesting, I suspect honesty would become very important if their partner was having ONSs behind their backs (reciprocal ‘don’t tell me I won’t tell you’ cheating agreements notwithstanding)

Im surprised at the number of people talking about being cheaters on here, maybe it’s the norm.

So because she's "not the only one" to do this, that makes it alright, does it?

No doubt if this was a male poster who'd cheated on his wife, you and others would be saying much different thing.

‘Im surprised at the number of people talking about being cheaters on here, maybe it’s the norm.’

I think it’s the norm to not come clean if you do something daft…

Honesty isn't vengeance. Sometimes it might be, but it's not fair to assume that it always, or even often, is. It's like saying 'Whispering is spiteful' or some other such ridiculous generalisation.

‘No doubt if this was a male poster who'd cheated on his wife, you and others would be saying much different thing.’

Nope, said it before and say it again - it wouldn’t matter it was a man or woman, there’s nothing to be gained in telling the DP in these circumstances

It definitely is when you're gleefully fantasising about the just punishment that you're sure is awaiting anyone who says they wouldn't want to be told and doesn't think the pain is worth it in this particular case.

That's whats so telling for me. Like I said, I'm not telling anyone who would rather know that they're wrong. But the anger, the spite, the imagined punishment, towards those of us who feel differently shows what the real motivation is for those people. Clearly it's not about respecting what we would want for ourselves. Shit, now we've got people who claim to loathe cheating saying that it's actually a just punishment for people with a different outlook and they deserve it!

There is potentially everything to be gained, but potentially everything to be lost. That is the binary consequence of breaking trust.

But that should be her DH's decision to make, not the OPs.