Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

[branchscreen]

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

Ha! Exactly.

Would you all be saying the same thing to the husband, if he was posting here having found out his wife had cheated?

Would you be saying 'Nah, don't worry about it, it's not an issue really, don't make a fuss'

Tell him OP. It’s hugely disrespectful not to. But wait til he gets back from holiday.

Oh no. I really feel for you. I am
tempted to say don’t tell dh but I am not convinced that you could live with that, could you? This is a tricky one and I don’t feel qualified to comment but I hope it works out for you.

You feel terrible and desperate to offload it onto strangers because you know you have done an awful thing that can never be undone. The adult thing to do would be to tell your husband and let HIM decide whether he still wants to be with you - it's HIS decision to make and not for you to decide for him and hope for the best. You made a promise to him and broke it.
If you love him and you tell him what you've done, and he leaves you to meet someone who will be faithful to have children with, you have to accept that.

From the sound of it, you will do this again in future if the attraction is powerful enough and the situation is right. Your whole life is built around your husband but you fucked another man a year after your wedding - just because you wanted to. Some of us have also had that terrible temptation. The key is to never cross that line. You weren't ready to get married. Perhaps you did it subconsciously as a way out of your marriage. Your DH is 34, you have no kids to disturb you yet he only wants sex every 6 weeks - that's very, very unusual for a man that age. Something sounds off.

I think at 32 and 34, married one year and only having sex every 6 weeks you're both with the wrong people and probably shouldn't have married each other. I'd use this as an opportunity to have a proper talk with my husband and see if you really do have a future together.

Oh no, another I love him so so much he is amazing I f* another guy because I could.
Some of the partners of women on this site deserve so much better.

If it was safe sex (condoms) then either you or he had condoms in their pocket - odd on a works night out without your other half.

If he had them on him it suggests this type of hook up may be common for him.

Or one of you nipped to the loo to get one - meaning you had another chance to make the right choice.

If you love your husband, @branchscreen , then would you not want him to be able to make his own informed choices about this mess? He should be able to trust that his wife won't shag Bob from accounts while out at a work thing, and if he can't then he deserves to know so that he can make his own decision about whether or not to stay in that marriage. Loving someone is about prioritising them, not you, even (especially) when it's hard.

You should also get tested for STDs. If this guy's cheated on his partner with you, he's probably done it before. Don't have sex with your husband (assuming he stays in the relationship) until you get the all-clear medically.

Many people on this thread are themselves cheaters or sleeping with men cheating on their wives. The world is not full with people with integrity and many think that if you can fuck around and get away with it, then go for it. And that is your wife or husband is none the wiser, then great. Look at all the people on this thread who don't think her husband deserves even the most basic of respect of choosing what kind of relationship he is in (monogamous or non monogamous) or getting to decide if he wants to stay in a marriage with someone who sleeps with other people. The reality is that a lot of men and women cheat and sleep with cheaters because they dont' have integrity. This thread is just a colelctive gathering of the fuck them - what they don't know won't hurt them - do what you want and just don't let them know.

Maybe he actually wants to be in a relationship with someone who loves him, cares about him, respects him insead of this one where he doesn't have someone who loves him or respects him and what he has is someone wholies and deceives and fucks other people. He should get that choice. OP deciding for him that he doesn't get a loving relationship because she doesn't want any consequences is shitty. And the posts about poor wee OP who just fell on his penis and can't help but be charmed are so sexist and demeaning to women.

Typical Mumsnet hypocrisy

Husband cheats on wife. Mumsnet advice: Get all your ducks lined up, get financial and legal advice and then kick him out.

Wife cheats on husband. Mumsnet advice. Shhh don't tell him.

OP, you've only done what many, many people (myself included) have done in the past. Drunken mistakes are common, and if everything were okay otherwise in your relationship, I would advise you not to tell, simply because it would achieve nothing if you're fully resolved never to let it happen again.

However, your sex life with your DH is not fine. Once every six weeks at your age, especially if he's the more reluctant partner, does not bode well for the future. Honestly, it sounds like you and he care for each other more as very good friends, and I think this encounter with OM happened because of desires and drives you're trying to suppress. You shouldn't be suppressing them. You should have a partner who absolutely adores going to bed with you. A lifetime of bad or infrequent sex is way too high a price to pay in a relationship.

Don't forget, "He must be bad at sex if you had to cheat on him."

Sigh.

I think there's some issues in your relationship that you haven't been honest with yourself about.
You need to tell him - you'll never forgive yourself otherwise.
It won't be easy, but hopefully you can come to some sort of resolution and he can forgive you. He won't look at you in the same light though.. if that's something you both can live with, then good luck to you.

THIS^^^^^

This.

You don't love him. You might love the idea of him but you don't love him. If you loved him you wouldn't have intentionally done something incredibly hurtful. Just like someone who hits their spouse and says I love you. You don't intentionally inflict as much harm as you can on people you love. When harming and hurting your spouse is your idea of love, you need to end the relationship and seek therapy.

How would you prefer not to know? Why? I'm genuinely intrigued
I can't think of anything worse than burying my head in the sand while my husband's clearly out cheating on me, just ignoring all the issues that brings. I think you need more respect for yourself

Don’t try and gaslighting me into believing it’s better to not be honest…Im sorry, a ONS means that you get in a taxi with someone, go home with them, take all your clothes off and fully have sex with them…That is NOT a mistake. I personally think that you’re stronger for not forgiving, and it’s only insecurity creeping in that is making you doubt yourself over it. Like I said, any argument for not being honest is just manipulation and gaslighting…Liars are bad news, end of.

Who do you like, love, adore, fancy and want to spend the rest of your life with? Have children with?

I think you have punished yourself enough. Dont tell your DH, its likely to end the relationship and if not, destroy the trust between you. It was a drunken mistake, you learnt a valuable lesson. With time the guilt fades.

Ok, maybe I’m an old cynic, it’s done now, just forget it and don’t tell tell your husband, it will wreck your marriage and serve no purpose, he will probably throw it back in your face for years, that’s if he doesn’t leave you,
We’ve all done stupid things, it was just a mistake, don’t beat yourself up about it and DONT TELL HIM.

Taken aback at the number of don't tell him in here. But then I see it's a regular occurrence on these type of threads!

You should tell him and let him make the decision if wants to give you another chance. You have got to be able to look yourself in the mirror. The first step to healing is to be truthful.

The 'what he doesn't know' brigade have so shame. And fwiw, they would probably give you the opposite advice if you were a man. What a joke.

What a thoughtless bullshit answer! You must've spent a little of time thinking about that one! Contrary to your bigoted opinion, most married men don't go around having one night stands!

A ONS is just a silly little mistake. Huh, news to me!