Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

[branchscreen]

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

If you expect your OH to go through counselling about your sex life you absolutely have to tell him. The guilt that he would have to work through not knowing would be awful.

The OP needs a real person (professional) to talk to to help navigate this, but it's absolutely not fine to not tell her husband of one year, not concede the marriage and carry on to having kids.

This is the jumping off point, he might not jump off, you might decide to once he knows, or not.

But progressing the relationship when you've failed so miserably in the first year to having kids is ... fraught with risk.

The OP clearly wasn't ready for the commitment, had 5 years to assess it, made the commitment and .. failed. It's mot her husbands fault at all, and shame on people suggesting it.

She's owning her mistake, fair play, but she needs to own up to it. Who knows maybe husband will say "me too" or ask for an open marriage. Maybe she won't like that and bail. But.. to push him into relationship counselling or sex therapy when he doesn't know the full facts. That ... that's just gruesome.

@Donttellhim

You seem to think lying is fine. Not my problem, not for me to say you're wrong.

I don't think lying is fine, especially to your husband, about having been unfaithful.

I'm sure you'll be along to correct me shortly..? Perhaps not?

If you tell him its the end of your relationship. If you don't he will be living a lie forever.

I agree that he has a right to know , but disagree that there is a ‘type’ of person who cheats, or that the cheating defines that person. I don’t think that is healthy for either partner, and nobody is above making a very serious mistake in their lives.

We don't need to bash men for having low standards for women, when women actively embrace them and belittle themselves in this way!

OP is a cheater. If she's so unhappy, as it goes... leave the other person with dignity, and then jump in bed with anyone you please! She's no excuse. It's selfish what she's done and she should feel guilty and shame for at least until she actually realises it was her mistake, and her husband deserves better! I mean OP has commented judgment on the OM. A fling has no responsibility towards the marriage of the other person! This thread is repulsive! OP get a grip. Stop pouring all your emotional guilt onto this thread and lapping it up. MN women don't seem to have high standards for themselves on this thread of the understanding of basic marital expectations with a spouse - LOYALTY, HONESTY AND TRUST!

@gamerchick

I wouldn't say anything. I would confront the issues in your relationship though. You have unmet needs and they need to be dealt with before you start to pop out kids is this marriage going to be enough for the long haul?
***
Agree.
You may have miss matched sex drives.
Do not underestimate the importance of sex in a marriage.
Good sex won't hold everything together if the the relationship is bad.
But a great relationship, where the sex is bad / infrequent / absent, will run into problems- just as yours has.
It is a problem.
Short answer - make plans to separate - find someone you're more compatible

Spend the next few years in couples therapy.
You trying to convince him ti want more sex, and him getting defensive and trying to convince you once every 6 weeks is plenty ( in my thirty's it was prime time 3,4, plus days a week. )

Yiu may even have another ons.

Don't beat yourself up about your 'mistake'.
It's is just a symptom of a bigger problem- which you need all your energies for.

You should tell him. He 100% has a right to know that he is in a non monogamous marriage and he has a right to decide if it is a relationship he wishes to stay in or not. You don't get to play him for a fool and make that decision for him. Lots of men and women cheat and sleep with others for a myriad of reasons and the more you weave a web of lies and deceit, the more you are likely to do it again. If you can keep him in the dark and play him for a fool once and fuck around behind his back with him none the wiser, why not do it again and again. Many do and you are no different.

I really have zero respect for people who cheat and then don't tell. It is just a further sign of a lack of ability to be a decent human and to let people have agency and make their own decisions. It is about control and wanting to be the one who gets to keep him in the dark and look like an idiot thinking he is in a marriage with someone who cares or respects him and that the marriage is closed and monogamous - all the while it isn't.

I feel no differently be it you or any man or woman who runs around on his wife or husband while playing the dutiful husband or wife and home, faking it all while he or she gets off with other people.

Cheaters will alsways tell you to never tell - to not giv the person any control of agency and to make the decisions for them about staying in a relationhip that is a facade of what they think it is. It is that attitude and the lies and deceit that really show a person's character. If you felt even an actual shred of remorse or guilt, you wouldn't want ot continue to play him for a fool and you would let him decide if he wants to stay with someone who runs around on him on or not.

If, like the OP, it was a one off, it's over, he's hugely remorseful and is very sure it will not happen again, then I'd say exactly the same thing. Why wouldn't I?

This continual bleat that MN is sexist, hypocritical and misandrist reminds me of the expression that if all you've ever known is privilege, equality looks like oppression.

Why does it matter what anyone would say about a man cheating? Men and women aren't the same. They're not treated equally in society. They face very different issues. So yes, when they ask questions about how they should act in certain situations, shock horror, the advice is different. Because the situation is different.

And besides which, MN is not one monolithic thing. Yes, you'll get advice which seems contradictory. That's what happens when you ask for opinions from a mixed group of people - the advice you get will be a mixture. This is not rocket science and it's not surprising either.

FFS.

You need to tell your DH. This could potentially come out of OM tells someone even it he says he won’t. If it comes from you, then your DH will be angry but there is more of a chance of him forgiving you as you have been totally honest. If he finds out from someone else then the trust will be completely gone. Everyone makes mistakes but lying about them is worse than the actual mistake itself.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. This comes up surprisingly often on MN. Sounds as if you were spun a line by your colleague and were weak. My two pence is - don't tell anyone. If you do, it might come out sometime. Especially don't tell DH. Put it behind you and resolve never to do it again. New start. Everyone deserves a second chance.

‘I would be very interested indeed to see the responses from the same posters here if a man who was married a year, ‘

exactly the same thing. Forget about it and move on. Don’t tell your DP.
if you’re planning on being serially unfaithful then you shouldn’t be married to someone who thinks you’re in a monogamous relationship.
But throw your life away over a quick fuck? No. Don’t do that.

I’m impressed at the number of MNetters who apparently are only ever completely honest with their partners about everything all the time… h

Guy here, get in touch with the samaritans, It sounds like It was inevitable, or rather the colleague played the long game and convinced you. Where there is mutual attraction, It is always going to end up being tricky. Depends what you want, your marriage and your husband, or this colleague, who you obviously fancy. Good luck, we all fuck up in life.

Don’t beat yourself up anymore OP. It’s more common than you think. You did it and you are now wracked with guilt and shame which is overtaking your ability to think logically at the minute.

If it’s truly a mistake and you want to continue with your marriage then I’d bury it. Tell no one and take it to the grave. However, my experience is that these things usually find a way of coming out, especially as it was with a coworker. You need to weigh up whether your DH is likely to hear about it down the line. Practically speaking, you need to cut all contact and if it was me, I’d look at other jobs if I was truly putting my marriage first.

Last thing to actually consider is whether YOU actually want to continue in your marriage. People that are genuinely happy in their relationships don’t cheat. It’s worth really looking at whether you are all that happy with your DH and it may be kinder all round to split before bringing kids into this.

Once the trust is gone, it's gone. This isn't an affair. It is much better for the DH if he is blissfully ignorant, and the OP realises how close she's come to losing him and learns that lesson. Not worth ruining both their futures for one drunken mistake. Mistakes are part of growing up.0

Mistakes are part of growing up

So is dribbling but most of us wouldn't be happy if our partners did it.

Or it could just be that we have been in that situation.

Have you ever been cheated on? Has someone ever came in and blown your world apart @JCP01 all for the sake of a ONS which he utterly regretted but someone advised him he MUST confess to which stupidly I couldn’t forgive. Sometimes it genuinely isn’t worth knowing as the knowing was extremely detrimental to my mental health. But hey I must just have low IQ or be a cheater myself right?

It's really quite common, and it's a shame that it seems surprising to you.

Impressed at the number of MNers who think there’s no difference between lying about who ate the last jammy dodger and fucking a coworker

I am surprised so little has been said about alcohol misuse on this thread.

If this really was just a stupid, drunken mistake and not more deliberately constructed situation than you are letting on, OP, then you really need to consider your relationship with alcohol.

Getting so drunk that you accidentally break your marriage vows when you didn't want to, even with somebody you fancy, is not normal behaviour.

Perhaps there is something going on with self-esteem (due to sexual incompatibility with your partner) and alcohol misuse that led you to behave out of character here, but I think tackling that is above the pay grade of anybody on MN, I am afraid.

All those who are saying you'd encourage a man in the same position to lie to his wife; why do you not post on those threads?

Many MN posters advise a woman who has cheated to say nothing . If a man cheats or has an emotional affair, the advice is quite different.
This is a thread from a couple of weeks ago. Virtually the same as yours and 75% of posters (nearly 300) advise the wife not to tell her husband.
It says a lot about double standards on MN
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4875564-ive-done-a-terrible-thing?page=1

You’re human. You had sex. Stop giving yourself such a hard time. I’m your age and maybe I’d be happier if I did what you did and not stuck in a sex once every 2 years relationship 😂 you think 6 weeks is a long time?

There aren't many of them but when I see threads like this, I say the same thing if I have the energy to get into it.