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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
Clafoutie · 10/09/2023 17:34

Daisyhillsareblooming · 10/09/2023 17:10

I wouldn’t tell him, why open a can of worms is it’s truly a one off drunken mistake? I would prefer not to know .

I would prefer not to know

That may be your preference, but surely it would not be right to make that decision on behalf of the person who has been cheated on.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 17:34

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 14:14

It is abusive to cheat on your husband. It is abusive to not be honest.

If this was a man we would be telling his wife to throw him out.

No difference.

You know you need to tell him.

I don't think she's abusing him. She cheated and may be deceiving but that's not abusive x

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 17:34

You’re everything that’s wrong with the relationships. Extremely unhealthy point of view, probably a narcissist too. It’s not about her, it’s about him. Such self entitlement

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 17:34

I don’t think it’s sexism rather support. I would be the same if it was a man. I don’t know where all the anger comes from in giving advice to people you don’t know

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 17:36

SisterMichaelsHabit · 10/09/2023 14:18

Did you orgasm? Was it really really good sex or shit?
Don't answer this OP. Utterly inappropriate even to ask.

My bet is that you did have hot sexy sex but didn't orgasm as it's a selfies guy

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 17:36

Couldn't agree more. Although, having the feeling that a partner would want to have sex with someone else is pretty hurtful, but you’re right…Can get over that

thedancingbear · 10/09/2023 17:36

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 17:34

I don’t think it’s sexism rather support. I would be the same if it was a man. I don’t know where all the anger comes from in giving advice to people you don’t know

A lot of the anger will come seeing irl the harm and distress caused by people like the OP

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 17:37

PenguinPete · 10/09/2023 14:20

Ah yes people are now trying to blame another man for having consensual sex with a willing party.

You can't claim rpe to avoid accepting responsibility. This wasn't rpe. This was OP fancing some strange.

I agree. He didn't coerce her by the sounds of it, he seduced her.

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 17:37

The other thing to consider is that men do talk. I work almost solely with men and have done for decades. And, whilst I’m fairly certain none of them tell their current side piece “I’m going to tell all the lads about this, in the canteen on Monday”. Rest assured, they do. Loudly. IME men are far, far worse gossips than women. Trusting THIS man (you really will not have been his first rodeo) with a secret that could destroy your DH and your marriage, is I think, a mistake.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:38

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 17:34

I don't think she's abusing him. She cheated and may be deceiving but that's not abusive x

Show quote history

Cheating is a form of abuse.

Victims of cheating suffer the same emotional and mental effects as those of abuse.

A type of PTSD is associated with victims of cheating.

The deception and creation of a false reality by lying by omission about the cheating contributes to that.

Even if the cheating isn't abuse (it is), the lying about it to him when they're married and about to ttc is abuse.

LightSpeeds · 10/09/2023 17:39

There's a lot of 'Don't tell your partner. He doesn't need to know about it...' on here.

Her partner might feel rather differently about it!

He deserves to know the truth really so that he can make decisions about his life and future.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 17:40

LightSpeeds · 10/09/2023 17:39

There's a lot of 'Don't tell your partner. He doesn't need to know about it...' on here.

Her partner might feel rather differently about it!

He deserves to know the truth really so that he can make decisions about his life and future.

You vengeful harpy you!

Deathbyfluffy · 10/09/2023 17:40

shiningstar2 · 10/09/2023 13:12

I would advise no telling your DH. The hurt will be massive the potential fall out will be massive. Lack of trust going forward, maybe bitterness leading to him doing the same to punish you, divorce. You did something very wrong ...no getting away from that You have been disloyal and unfaithful to your husband . You are young ...you made a stupid mistake. If you love your husband and want to keep your marriage, what is to be gained by telling him? Deep hurt for him and potential massive life changing fall out in everybodies lives. Keep well away from this other man, don't confide in anyone you know in real life, never get that drunk again and move on with building your marriage. 💐

The man deserves to know before he’s attached to her for life by them having a child together - he has a right to decide if this is the sort of person he wants to build a family with.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:41

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 17:37

The other thing to consider is that men do talk. I work almost solely with men and have done for decades. And, whilst I’m fairly certain none of them tell their current side piece “I’m going to tell all the lads about this, in the canteen on Monday”. Rest assured, they do. Loudly. IME men are far, far worse gossips than women. Trusting THIS man (you really will not have been his first rodeo) with a secret that could destroy your DH and your marriage, is I think, a mistake.

Yeah loads of men just cannot resist the urge to boast about their conquests. I've seen it again and again.

Pinkdressinggownbelt · 10/09/2023 17:41

Let me tell you something, if you and DH don’t sort out the sex imbalance , you are going to cheat again. I say don’t tell him, get counselling together re sex issues

DustyLee123 · 10/09/2023 17:46

I couldn’t continue the marriage without telling DH. Far better to get it over with now, than him find out down the line when you’ve got kids.

Birdsongsinging · 10/09/2023 17:47

I say don’t tell him. If you genuinely want to stay together and your husband is very unlikely to find out I don’t see what there is to be gained from him knowing.

Messyhair321 · 10/09/2023 17:47

NerrSnerr · 10/09/2023 12:59

If you contact him you'll be into affair territory. You need to work out why you did it. You'll probably need to consider a sexual health check too.

This a sexual health check is absolutely needed

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:49

*I don’t see what there is to be gained from him knowing.

You don't see the merit of someone having agency in their own marriage and life??

1983Louise · 10/09/2023 17:51

I think you need to be a bit easier on yourself, you're not the first and certainly won't be the last who's cheated. If as you say you love your husband and want to stay married please don't tell. You'll break his heart, destroy trust and your marriage will never be the same if it doesn't split you up. Take a deep breath, accept you made a bad mistake and remember going forward how awful the mistake as made you feel. I doubt very much you'll ever do it again, far worse things can happen in life and like someone else said, you haven't killed anyone.

wavws · 10/09/2023 17:53

If you genuinely need to speak to someone, I’d be happy to speak to you. Alternatively can you access counselling services through work or your insurance perhaps?

Tweedlelove · 10/09/2023 17:57

I wouldn’t tell him it was a one off. I would look at why you did it and book to see a counsellor.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 10/09/2023 17:57

LovingMyLiver · 10/09/2023 13:23

You haven't killed anyone OP x

I agree with this. Keep quiet and concentrate on the future.

Truemilk · 10/09/2023 17:58

You really need to think about whether you and your dh are compatible. Sex drive mismatch in a marriage is a big problem and it's only going to get worse.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:59

I would be very interested indeed to see the responses from the same posters here if a man who was married a year, and looking at starting to TTC with his wife came on and said he'd just fucked his sexy coworker on Wednesday night and what should he do lol