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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 10/09/2023 17:19

@branchscreen I have sent you a pm x

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 17:19

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:13

I would prefer not to know.

Totally irrelevant.

You're not op's husband.

You're not a man about to ttc with a woman who's fucked another guy behind his back and omitted to tell him.

He needs to know so he's aware of the risk she'll do it again. He needs to know she's not actually fulfilled by their relationship/marriage.

He needs to know she's capable of this.

It's no more irrelevant than your preference to know. Most of this post is just you explaining why you'd rather know, but several others have done the same for why they wouldn't.

If Person A's preference is irrelevant because she's not the husband, yours is just as irrelevant for the same reason.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:21

It's no more irrelevant than your preference to know

As I have explained as nauseum above .. . You don't know what ops husbands preference would be, and you cannot know without telling him or hinting so obviously that he'd guess anyway; so the default is that he must be given the opportunity to know.

Anything else is depriving him of his consent and agency.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 17:21

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 14:05

Thanks

i was very drunk and although difficult to tell I think likely more drunk than the OM - but was capable of consent.

Believe me one rule that I’ve taken from this si whatever happens I’m never getting that drunk again for the rest of my life.

im not trying to give a ‘script’ or excuse my behaviour. I honestly have to be extremely clear how awful I feel about this. I have not felt one emotion other than guilt since it happened and it’s literally made me unable to sleep or eat and made me physically vomit. I know what I have done is awful, and everything I’ve said is in response to questions asking why I think I could have done this, not supposed to be justifying it. I feel like the worst person ever and if I could do ANYTHING I’d turn back the clock so this didn’t happen.
I don’t want an affair with the OM. I guess I just needed someone to talk to and he was the only person in the world that already knew about it. This thread in itself has helped a bit with that in terms of having someone to talk to.
I think people are right that he is not necessarily a good guy. I was devastated afterwards by what I had done, he did not seem that distraught by what he had done to his own partner

Probably wasn't the first time he's cheated on her.

I'm always suspicious with those few guys we have instant incredible sexual chemistry with - is it a 'me and him' thing or is it a 'he knows how to get women feeling all hot and animalistic' thing

delightfuldaisy19 · 10/09/2023 17:22

This might be unpopular.

Don't tell him, don't tell anyone, pretend it didn't happen. The guilt, memories will eventually fade. Don't ever do it again.

BungalowBuyer · 10/09/2023 17:22

Can you plausibly deny it happened?

If colleague's saw you disappear off together or anything that is likely to spread as a rumour you are will probably be found out.

To be honest I think you're probably looking to start something with this man, otherwise why would you think about contacting him to discuss it, when you should be putting as much distance between you as possible.

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 10/09/2023 17:24

delightfuldaisy19 · 10/09/2023 17:22

This might be unpopular.

Don't tell him, don't tell anyone, pretend it didn't happen. The guilt, memories will eventually fade. Don't ever do it again.

You're not that delightful, are you Daisy? Her poor DH.

thedancingbear · 10/09/2023 17:25

The great thing with not telling her DH as a generous act of mercy is she can carry on shagging her colleagues on weeknights. Provided no-one else spills the beans - no harm done - completely fine!

Or, you know, perhaps not.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 17:25

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 10/09/2023 17:24

You're not that delightful, are you Daisy? Her poor DH.

Show quote history

I’m sure you are delightful, Daisy :)

MariaLuna · 10/09/2023 17:25

If you love your husband and want to keep your marriage, what is to be gained by telling him?

By not telling him you are not living an authentic life.

He deserves to make choices about his own life. (As you do).

It'll come out sooner or later anyway.

Tell him - the marriage is on the rocks anyway if you have sex with others - and let the chips fall where they may.

thedancingbear · 10/09/2023 17:26

BungalowBuyer · 10/09/2023 17:22

Can you plausibly deny it happened?

If colleague's saw you disappear off together or anything that is likely to spread as a rumour you are will probably be found out.

To be honest I think you're probably looking to start something with this man, otherwise why would you think about contacting him to discuss it, when you should be putting as much distance between you as possible.

I agree. At this point, the OP needs to start work on a more detailed web of lies…

whatwasIgoingtosay · 10/09/2023 17:26

Don't tell him. The fact that you feel wretched for what you did is your burden to shoulder - don't ask him to share it, and possibly destroy your marriage. Just don't do it again. And perhaps get some counselling about the lack of sex in your marriage. Once every 6 weeks, done as a chore on his part, is not satisfying for you, and is making you feel unattractive. Can you see the rest of your married life going well when you're not sexually compatible? Think hard about whether this is what you want for the future.

JudgeJ · 10/09/2023 17:26

LovingMyLiver · 10/09/2023 13:23

You haven't killed anyone OP x

Woiuld that be your answer to a husband in the same position? This thread is MN hypocrisy at its best!

PineConeOrDogPoo · 10/09/2023 17:26

OP,
Almost everyone will beat you up on here. It's almost irresistible to want to judge others. We are wired for negativity. It takes a conscious mind to rise above it.

You now need to apply compassion and understanding to your life. i would start from the premise: "All people makes sense all the time". hat the moment this happened, you made sense to yourself.

Try to understand this and it could turn into a beautiful epiphany of your life. I would also advise you that for true intimacy with your partner you need to share anything with them that you know would upset them. This is hard but this is how growth happens.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:27

Don't ever do it again

Op can't keep her legs closed with a drink in her, and a smooth talking cheater who she's chatted with a few times a year for a few years, whom she's very sexually attracted to him and vice versa......out of loyalty to her partner of 6 yrs, husband of only one, and man she's about to try to conceive children with; but an instruction from a random unrelated mumsnetter is going to stay in her head and stop her.

Either her husband is not the one for her or she's a silly cheater

In which case why should her husband be stuck with her.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:28

You haven't killed anyone OP

The bench mark for decent behaviour in life should probably not be murdering someone.

Ilovelurchers · 10/09/2023 17:29

Firstly, with respect, nothing that extraordinary has happened. I opened the thread thinking you had accidentally killed someone or something. You have slept with somebody else. It's obviously not great, but your emotional response is disproportionate to the events, and may actually be blinding you to the crux of the matter I think.

The most concerning aspect of the events to me is that you mention being extremely drunk. Do you believe the alcohol caused you, or was at least an extremely significant factor, in what happened? If so you would not be the first by any means - don't dissolve into a pool of shame - but this should be the wake up call you need to stop drinking. Nobody should, either regularly or irregularly, be ingesting a substance that causes them to behave in reckless ways that harm themselves and others (physically or emotionally). There is lots of help out there, but I think the most important thing is that you stop drinking today. Do you think you could?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 17:29

chachaching · 10/09/2023 14:06

Would all the people saying not to tell her husband give the same advice if it were a man who had been unfaithful to his wife?

You need to take responsibility for your own actions OP, as much as you regretted them. It will be a difficult conversation but one that needs to happen. Being deceitful will only bring more hurt.

Yes - if I had a husband and he'd done this and no one else knew, so I wasn't humiliated, there was no std or pregnancy possibility and the husband felt as guilty as op and used it as a prompt to start really focusing on working on prioritizing the marriage and left that workplace I wouldn't want him to tell me: I've had men tell me less serious (kissing/texting and not mentioning me) indiscretions before just to relieve their guilt and I was hugely upset but they felt relieved . Unfair!

Op it sounds like you've not been sexually satisfied for a while with your DH and perhaps felt trapped. Didn't make adultery ok, but you've satiated your curiosity now. Now you can really focus on finding that spark again with your DH

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 17:30

Willmafrockfit · 10/09/2023 14:08

dont tell him, you are trying to absolve yourself of guilt and will make it worse.

I agree

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:30

Once every 6 weeks, done as a chore on his part, is not satisfying for you, and is making you feel unattractive. Can you see the rest of your married life going well when you're not sexually compatible? Think hard about whether this is what you want for the future.

This.

It's not a good relationship to bring kids into.

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 17:31

You aren’t awful, but what you have done is pretty awful…Lying and not coming clean would make you awful. It’s pretty simple…Two outcomes:

You lie (then you’re an awful person) I don’t care what anyone else’s argument is, that’s a fact not an opinion
You tell the truth, he will think you’re awful but at least the people around you will still respect you. And he might even forgive you.

IfYouDontAsk · 10/09/2023 17:32

I won’t berate you for what you’ve already done but I will say that you would be cruel beyond belief if you get pregnant by your husband without having told him what you’ve done. It would be unforgivable to start a family with him in these circumstances- he’d then be tied to you for life via a child and it would make it so much harder for him to choose to leave the marriage.

If you love your husband then be honest and allow him to choose whether to continue the marriage.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:32

Ilovelurchers · 10/09/2023 17:29

Firstly, with respect, nothing that extraordinary has happened. I opened the thread thinking you had accidentally killed someone or something. You have slept with somebody else. It's obviously not great, but your emotional response is disproportionate to the events, and may actually be blinding you to the crux of the matter I think.

The most concerning aspect of the events to me is that you mention being extremely drunk. Do you believe the alcohol caused you, or was at least an extremely significant factor, in what happened? If so you would not be the first by any means - don't dissolve into a pool of shame - but this should be the wake up call you need to stop drinking. Nobody should, either regularly or irregularly, be ingesting a substance that causes them to behave in reckless ways that harm themselves and others (physically or emotionally). There is lots of help out there, but I think the most important thing is that you stop drinking today. Do you think you could?

I feel a Jamie Foxx song coming on.

Funny how alcohol never seems to.cause people to do stuff they don't want to do, or random good deeds hmm.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 17:33

The rampant sexism and moral bankruptcy on this thread is hilarious and terrifying at the same time

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 17:34

will say that you would be cruel beyond belief if you get pregnant by your husband without having told him what you’ve done. It would be unforgivable to start a family with him in these circumstances- he’d then be tied to you for life via a child and it would make it so much harder for him to choose to leave the marriage.

Wow a poster with integrity in this thread, so few and far between.