Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

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I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

He does -- but so does she.

OP I think you're being a bit naive thinking he definitely will never tell anyone. He might not tell his partner but you have no guarantee he won't mention it to someone at work.

hm, no one cheats by accident. You clearly don’t love you DH enough to stop you from getting drunk and sleeping with someone else. If you plant to spend the rest of your life with DH then I would seriously re-consider. If you have children with your DH you will potentially wreck their life and yours with these lies.
having said that, you’re not the first human on earth. Also, it takes two to tango. What was OM thinking sleeping with a married woman?!

Never tell DH. Focus on forgetting it ever happened.

I truly love him

Sorry but you don't.

Otherwise the prospect of hurting him or deceiving him would've stopped you from having sex with the slick coworker "this was bound to happen" ... "You'd have laughed at him and rolled your eyes, instead of ending up bumping uglies with him.

Well you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last to cheat.

And this won’t be the last time you cheat, however much you may believe that right now.

No judgement here I just think some people are able to be faithful and some aren’t.

Hmm. Is there any way at all he is going to find out about this if you don’t tell him? If there isn’t, I’d not bother coming clean. I’ve told my OH similar. I would not want to know. Even if it was just a one off, with no feelings, no chance of it happening again, I know if he did it to me and told me, I’d never get over it. I really really adore my man but it would be the end of our relationship. Also, the pain it would cause me would just last forever. If I were to do it to him, I see an admission of guilt as pretty selfish if it is purely about getting it off your chest and making YOU feel better, while your partner suffers greatly. You
might feel better for it but your relationship will never be the same and you might lose him for good, not to mention break his heart and trust on womankind. It really does depend, I can only speak from my own perspective and in the context of our relationship. Yours might be different. I think I’d rather suffer in silence and have it eat away at me than risk hurting him with the truth.

What was OM thinking sleeping with a married woman?!

Hes attached himself and told op he's not telling his partner a thing.

He's been flirting for ages and clearly clocked op was up for it; "this is inevitable". It wasn't - from either side. He clearly takes the attitude that's it's a matter of course that he fucks women he's very attracted to and vice versa, regardless of either of their relationship statuses.

He obviously has zero morals and can pick his targets.

He obviously doesn't give much of a fuck.

Being cheated on is NOT the worst thing in the world . ( replying to whoever said that )

You messed up.
You're not the first
You won't be the last.
Forgive yourself
Never tell your husband or anyone else

I wouldn’t tell him, why open a can of worms is it’s truly a one off drunken mistake? I would prefer not to know .

@Annaishere really? So, by that logic, every man who has a few too many and thinks he “isn’t getting enough at home” is just following “his biological urge to reproduce” if he shags someone else? Nope, that just doesn’t wash. Because what is missing is the fact that we are (baring brain injury etc) sentient beings with the ability to choose. The vast majority of people, op included, know right from wrong. If they choose to do something that they inherently believe is wrong (as it appears op has) biology has nothing to do with it. We are no longer cavemen, we have developed the ability to function and reason way beyond basic biology.

This is the specimen op has betrayed her husband and partner of 6 yrs over.

I think op really needs to gave a think about her true feelings in this relationship.

As it is, she's just using him for security. But she displayed no loyalty to him when the chips were down.

We all have the urge to have sex and reproduce from an animalistic POV, men even more so.

But as humans we can control ourselves which is why rape is illegal.

People make mistakes but implying that OP is not completely at fault here is just wrong.

I wonder if it was a man that had cheated if you’d be so quick to defend his actions.

Thank you, you are right, I am very wise! That wisdom tells me that there are things what are generally considered as important, or, more so, that some things are more significant than others, you know laws, to which most people ascribe. I would be worried if somebody thought murder was less of an issue than infidelity, or drink driving. Society is largely based on norms, it’s how we work, so to assume that my views are not unique is not wrong of me, of course, I am bound to be wrong and I’m sure you can’t resist telling me how.

OP, I hope you get some comfort from this thread. There are a lot of very uncharitable comments. You do whatever you think is right for you and your relationship. I have no doubt your DH would do the same. Just, please be kind to yourself. Heed the advice about speaking to a professional. They will be imminently more qualified to give you advice than me and my Mumsnet peers!

I would prefer not to know.

Totally irrelevant.

You're not op's husband.

You're not a man about to ttc with a woman who's fucked another guy behind his back and omitted to tell him.

He needs to know so he's aware of the risk she'll do it again. He needs to know she's not actually fulfilled by their relationship/marriage.

He needs to know she's capable of this.

Some posters would literally tie themselves in knots to defend a woman who had done wrong.

I just hope when their DH cheats on them they don’t come on here crying and expect posters to support them because apparently cheating is ok.

OP,

Please stop beating yourself up, for a start. What's done is done.

Now you need to get to work understanding things.

Drpsychmom did a great podcast on this issue recently. Worth a listen. She's on Spotify regularly.

"Can You Really Inoculate Yourself Against Infidelity?"

This is a realists take on the issue. We are not necessarily wired for monogamy (despite what all the righteous "I would never do that" types would have you believe) but we CAN manage it if we navigate the road with some (learned) skills. Go for it and all the best!

The problem is OP, he comes back in a few days how are you going to conduct yourself if you decide not to tell him? Will you be able to act normally, will you be an obvious bag of nerves, will you appear unwell to him? I don’t envy you this dilemma whichever way you decide to go and I don’t wish you ill will either.

Something must be missing OP because there's no way you have just slept with OM. You obviously have been talking and took things further. You shouldn't contact him you need to block him on everything.

I wouldn't tell your DH and I wouldn't do anything like this again.

You have cheated on your husband and he absolutely has a right to make a decision for his life and that of any future children he wants to have. You are not entitled to take that right away, as shit as you may be feeling, that's on you. As for the context on how you ended up in bed with someone you've been attracted too, and now even considered contacting him for comfort...sorry, no sympathy from me. At least respect your husband as a human, enough, to allow him to make his own decisions and learn how to handle yourself better around people you find attractive. And shame on your colleague who I presume was aware of you being committed in marriage. He's not exactly husband material!

This will be unpopular but if you’re meant to be together he will get over it

And please don't selectively buy into the comments that protect your infidelity, and ultimately will ruin your husband's life and that of any future children. Lies don't have feet. So only so far they can run! It's absolutely disgraceful how people can tell themselves lies to keep infidelity a secret 'to not hurt the other person'. It's insanely selfish!

I wouldn’t tell DH. You fucked up. It happens,
move on, you’ll have to live with it.
Not in a million years would I tell my DP - what’s the point? You won’t feel any better.

hm, no one cheats by accident. You clearly don’t love you DH enough to stop you from getting drunk and sleeping with someone else. If you plant to spend the rest of your life with DH then I would seriously re-consider. If you have children with your DH you will potentially wreck their life and yours with these lies.

This.

You bring kids I to this without telling him and he finds out down the line ..... Your fault for what those kids experience.

You do something similar down the line and get caught or leave him, or you just leave because the relationship with him is not meeting your needs . .. your fault for what the kids experience.

But most of all, you have no right to take his agency away from him. He has the right to know something this important when deciding to start TTC with his wife.

It's not about you feeling better.

And the point is they have the right to know, and the right to make their own life decisions accordingly.

Why the fuck does that even need said to you.