Page 15 | Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

branchscreen · 2023-09-10T11:48:42+00:00

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day). I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week. I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock. Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back. Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 16:46

IsleofSkies · 10/09/2023 16:35

There is a victim here and they deserve to know the truth.

There is no victim.

Or if there is, it could be argued it's the OP as she gave in to her desire, in a moment of stupidity and will regret it forever.

I’m sorry this can’t be for real

imagine if this was a husband cheating on his wife and posters were saying she isn’t a victim 😂😂😂

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:46

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 16:42

@Annaishere disagree. People who are happy with THEMSELVES don’t have affairs, even when drunk. If someone with high self esteem and a strong sense of self isn’t getting their needs met in a relationship, they don’t need to look elsewhere for validation. They have all the internal validation they need. They communicate their needs and if they aren’t met, they end the relationship and walk away. They do not put themselves through this absolute wringer that op is now on…..what did she get from it really? Half an hour of validation for months of feeling like shit? No one who really valued themselves would put themselves through it. Unless they are a total shitbag with no conscience, but if op was that, she wouldn’t be posting or feeling guilty.

I think it was a basic subconscious biological need to reproduce that she tried to meet under the influence. With her marriage being unconducive to it. I know we’re not animals but I think that’s what happened although never would have if she wasn’t drunk

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:47

Spare your husband the heartbreak

She's not sparing him heartbreak, she's deceiving him and taking his consent in their relationship and sex life away, and taking his agency in his life away.

She has no right to do that.

readbooksdrinktea · 10/09/2023 16:48

My DH and I have the strongest emotional bond I’ve ever had with another human in my life and I truly love him

And still, you did this. But it's OK, OP. So many people on MN will tell you it's better to lie to your husband. As this thread shows. It's not really your fault or your choice. You were drunk and just need some therapy. And maybe, just maybe, your husband cheated, too, or, you know, he's secretly gay.

Always the same when it's the woman who cheats.

IsleofSkies · 10/09/2023 16:49

@Casiotoad Maybe read the post by @saythatagaintome

Are they not real either?

We're both making the same point.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 16:49

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:37

since so many people (not all) are obviously so angry at the idea that some of us don't want to be told

What you think you'd want or not want had sweet fuck all to do with what op's husband would want.

And vice versa. What you want is sweet fuck all to do with what I'd want

So why are you so angry that I would want something different? If your motivation is my wellbeing and not comeuppance for my husband?

I'm not the cheater in this hypothetical situation, so why are you so angry with me?

ell87 · 10/09/2023 16:49

I would tell him or it will eat you up. He'll find out eventually anyway.

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 16:51

Ok if you want people to abandon the idea of keeping it quiet to spare the partner heartache. How about not telling them to spare YOURSELF the heartache of a broken marriage. There’s nothing wrong with self preservation and no prizes for self flagellation. You all need to get over yourselves and your moral contortions that really are irrelevant

PurpleWisteria1 · 10/09/2023 16:51

OP this has happened to me before- I was in your shoes. We wernt married at the time. Much worse transgressions though much to my shame.
In the end the guilt ate me up and I had to confess to him.
The aftermath was awful. One lf the worse times of my life (and his)
The guilt I felt for hurting him was indescribable. But I loved him so much.
Beat myself up for months. Couldn’t eat or sleep.
In the end he forgave me. Took a good couple of years to get past it but we went on to have a child. Then another, then another.
It’s been over 15 years since that time and we are still together and happy.
Ive never remotely done anything like that since and nor will again so it’s not true that once a cheater, always a cheater.
I would tell him. Tell him what you have told us here. He may stay,
he may leave but he deserves to know and you won’t be able to carry on with the guilt.

Original poster

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 16:51

I just want to state to everyone that saying I am awful that I do not disagree with you do not condone my actions and don’t think there is any excuse for what I have done. I know it is not enough but you cannot imagine the pain I am going through for knowing I have done this to the person I love most in the world. It obviously was not worth it . I genuinely can’t see a way of this situation and feel sick and hopeless

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:52

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 16:49

And vice versa. What you want is sweet fuck all to do with what I'd want

So why are you so angry that I would want something different? If your motivation is my wellbeing and not comeuppance for my husband?

I'm not the cheater in this hypothetical situation, so why are you so angry with me?

Show quote history

What makes you think I'm angry.

Re your "logic" ..... My point, which is incredibly blatantly obvious, but apparently needs clarified anyway.is that, since you cannot possibly know if ops husband would want to know if she's cheated on him or not, there is no option but to tell him.

Because being deceived when you'd want to know, trumps being deceived when you'd not want to know. You simply cannot establish whether he's want to know without telling him or asking questions that would lead him to suspect (abd that would he even more tortuous if you then lied having raised his suspicions) .....so the only option is to tell.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 16:52

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 16:51

Ok if you want people to abandon the idea of keeping it quiet to spare the partner heartache. How about not telling them to spare YOURSELF the heartache of a broken marriage. There’s nothing wrong with self preservation and no prizes for self flagellation. You all need to get over yourselves and your moral contortions that really are irrelevant

Finally an honest response, no point pretending this has anything to do with her partner

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 16:53

I genuinely can’t see a way of this situation and feel sick and hopeless

you need distance and perspective. Honestly this isn’t a unique human story. Just sit with it for a few weeks and you’ll feel better

Clafoutie · 10/09/2023 16:53

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 14:09

I appreciate my judgement couldn’t be more clouded but it’s something I’ve idly thought about in the past as well as obviously a lot in last few days but i think for a one night stand I’d rather not know, I know that’s not the answer you’re looking for though and there will be people here who have experienced it and their experiences are more valid

Other people’s experiences are no more valid than yours OP, and you don’t have to give ‘acceptable’ responses on here. You’re being honest on here, which is the main thing.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/09/2023 16:53

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 16:16

I do find it hard to understand how people who keep infidelity quiet see it as compatible with their marriage vows tho

It makes the marriage illegitimate in my opinion. Fake. Founded on a lie. What's the point in the partnership? It isn't real.

Unless previously discussed, nobody should decide to take away their partner's right to the truth. Nobody can say 100% whether their partner would want to know, or not in such circumstances.

Absolutely all this.

Fairymcclary · 10/09/2023 16:53

@Buildingthefuture exactly.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:56

OP I think if you tell him and give it a couple weeks the way you’re feeling will start to subside. Your marriage is being tested to its limits the question is will you let it happen

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:57

A year after you've had a ceremony pledging yourself as your husband's monogamous life partner, you've built up a relationship with a co-worker to the point where you've ended up fucking him.

You didn't go out one night with no background or build up, no flirtation, no inappropriate behaviour, no emotional affair and fucked him; there was very very likely a build up and a hundred little stop signs you sailed on through.

You're supposed to be happily married, and getting ready to ttc; instead you've had some kind of affair with a co-worker - who's not even single and who doesn't even want to end his relationship (hence he's adamant about not telling her).

What do you think this says about the relationship and marriage?

Seriously?

Do you think this is right for you or him?

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 16:59

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 16:51

I just want to state to everyone that saying I am awful that I do not disagree with you do not condone my actions and don’t think there is any excuse for what I have done. I know it is not enough but you cannot imagine the pain I am going through for knowing I have done this to the person I love most in the world. It obviously was not worth it . I genuinely can’t see a way of this situation and feel sick and hopeless

My issue is that almost all of your comments are about how you feel, how you could probably get away with not telling him because he'd likely never find out etc all with very little regards to this man you are supposed to love and only married a year ago.

It all seems to be about you.

ohdamnitjanet · 10/09/2023 16:59

Don’t tell him, you’ve made a mistake, but off loading your guilt on him would not make anything better. You’d probably be surprised how many people have had affairs or one night stands and keep it a secret forever, whatever is said here, it really isn’t the end of the world. It’s obvious you love your husband, now you know how badly it’s made you feel, you’re unlikely to repeat it, give yourself a break.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/09/2023 17:00

OP you keep talking about how much you love him & how devastated you are.

You have also said you are incompatible sexually & only having sex every 6 weeks or so. This will become even more problematic when you TTC, and after you have DC.

There's significant problems in your relationship.

In my opinion you need to tell him. But either way you need to address the issues in your relationship - they are not likely to improve.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/09/2023 17:01

ohdamnitjanet · 10/09/2023 16:59

Don’t tell him, you’ve made a mistake, but off loading your guilt on him would not make anything better. You’d probably be surprised how many people have had affairs or one night stands and keep it a secret forever, whatever is said here, it really isn’t the end of the world. It’s obvious you love your husband, now you know how badly it’s made you feel, you’re unlikely to repeat it, give yourself a break.

My God. The level of excuses for infidelity & betrayal

PP are correct - a man posting similarly would never get this type of advice

JudyEdithPerry · 10/09/2023 17:01

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

WisherWood · 10/09/2023 17:01

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:17

dramatic. It is only sex

Show quote history

I've had boyfriends and friends with benefits where sex is just sex. It's not particularly important. Enjoyable, but not important. But with my current DP sex is about a much deeper physical and emotional connection. So if I thought he was having sex with anyone else, he would be destroying my trust that that connection was unique to me. So I'd end our relationship.

To some people, sex isn't particularly important. To others it is. And for many of us it depends on the context as to how important it is. If you're single and fancy a quick shag, that's fine. If you're in a committed relationship and have sex with someone other than your partner/ spouse, well then there's a huge problem.

OP I don't think your DH is quite the love of your life and he won't be unless you can resolve the issues around your sex life. If it seems to be a chore to him, as pp have said this will eat away at you self-esteem. You really need therapy to work out what's going on and why you did this.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 17:02

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:52

What makes you think I'm angry.

Re your "logic" ..... My point, which is incredibly blatantly obvious, but apparently needs clarified anyway.is that, since you cannot possibly know if ops husband would want to know if she's cheated on him or not, there is no option but to tell him.

Because being deceived when you'd want to know, trumps being deceived when you'd not want to know. You simply cannot establish whether he's want to know without telling him or asking questions that would lead him to suspect (abd that would he even more tortuous if you then lied having raised his suspicions) .....so the only option is to tell.

Edited

Show quote history

I think there's a nuance you're missing. I'm not telling people that they should or should not want to be told if their partner cheats.I'm telling a woman who has cheated - once, hugely remorseful, is not going to do it again - that I don't see the benefit in her telling her husband. I might feel differently if this were an ongoing affair but it's not. It's a specific set of circumstances and I don't think it's worth the pain it would cause. There's still the possibility for a long, happy marriage with no destruction except what OP carries alone. Not his burden.You're right I don't know what the husband would want, but to me, that's a reason to err towards "first, do no harm". Of course, by that reasoning OP should never have cheated but I don't think anyone disputes that. Now she's in this position and it's done, my reasoning is along the lines of "what will cause the least harm at this point?"