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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
JCP01 · 10/09/2023 16:32

@Annaishere Do you understand how detrimental cheating is to someone’s mental health? There is a victim here and they deserve to know the truth.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 16:32

OH, @Donttellhim , that grand scheme of things! The one that exactly matches what you, I and everybody else deem to be important. Silly of me, I forgot for a moment that we're all exactly the same, and the same things are important, not important to us. You're very wise.

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 16:34

since so many people (not all) are obviously so angry at the idea that some of us don't want to be told

I think people are shocked on the realisation that so many people would lie and conveniently convince themselves of their benevolence, in doing so.

I'm not against open marriages or where an agreement is in place to not share one-off transgressions.

But this isn't the scenario here, is it. It's rarely the scenario any time, actually.

OP cannot assume that her husband would not want to be told, nobody else can and should either.

IsleofSkies · 10/09/2023 16:34

I think you should work on forgiving yourself.

Yes, it was a mistake but you are human.

The remorse and guilt you feel is your 'punishment' and may eat away for a long time. It may be better to get some counselling to help with those feelings. Use the counsellor to offload.

If you truly love your husband and it was a one-off that will never happen ever again, it is not worth throwing away your marriage for this.

Others may well disagree, but you have to accept he may walk away.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:34

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 16:32

And that you think cheating is ok because it’s just sex.

Most people wouldn’t want a partner who thought cheating was ok.

Show quote history

That’s nothing to do with why I’m single. I left the relationship because it was toxic and he was addicted to alcohol. I want time to recover. It isn’t ok to sleep with someone else but there are worse things and I think the OP and her husband can get through it if she comes clean

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:34

And if OP really is truly sorry, loves him and won't let it happen again

Hate to break it to you, but if you say you love someone but have fucked your attached coworker a year after you got married to them, (and after years together) when you're supposed to be starting to ttc with them .....byou either don't love them, or your "love" ain't worth shit.

It doesn't matter if you're sorry abd it doesn't matter if you don't do it again. You have no right to.cgabge the tend of your monogamous relationship behind their back and not tell them, keep them in the dark and remove all their true agency and consent in your relationship.

booksandbrews · 10/09/2023 16:35

My husband had a ONS with a co-worker and decided not to tell me because it was a one-time thing, she was leaving and they wouldn’t see each other for much longer.

Guess what? I found out. And it was so much worse than if he’d come clean himself.

These things have a way of coming out.

IsleofSkies · 10/09/2023 16:35

There is a victim here and they deserve to know the truth.

There is no victim.

Or if there is, it could be argued it's the OP as she gave in to her desire, in a moment of stupidity and will regret it forever.

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 16:36

Exactly, any other advice on here is from people who have cheated before and hidden it up, justifying their guilt, or they just don’t understand life…Absolutely ridiculous people.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:37

since so many people (not all) are obviously so angry at the idea that some of us don't want to be told

What you think you'd want or not want had sweet fuck all to do with what op's husband would want.

blisstwins · 10/09/2023 16:37

BranchGold · 10/09/2023 12:54

the fact you’re considering reaching out to the colleague for your own support is the biggest red flag I think. You say it was a one off, not an affair. What’s your communication with the colleague before? Friendly? Did you chat at all on messages etc? What lead up to you sleeping with him?

Yes this. How do you think affairs start? Ridiculous and still totally about you. You are likely to cheat again. You husband doesn’t deserve this. I don’t know what to say, but you should probably talk to a professional.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 16:37

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 16:32

If you’re determined it’s about vengeance and not about the integrity of her marriage or morality I can’t explain that to you. Good luck with your setup though

Show quote history

I'm not making it about vengeance, you/they are. That's precisely why you/they are so angry that I wouldn't want to be told, with all your "I can't explain it to you" and the sarky "good luck with your setup". You're trying to make me doubt/feel guilty about my preference because your motivation is to punish my husband. If you cared about what's best for me, and my choice, you'd accept it without this kind of weak dig that attempts to insult my morals (and bear in mind that in our hypothetical situation, I'm not the cheater!) and my choices.

IsleofSkies · 10/09/2023 16:38

@GilbertMarkham People can disagree with your opinions, you know. It is an opinion, not a fact that you are writing.

How do you think people work as counsellors if they were all as judgmental as you are?
They recognise human falibility.

The OP doesn't need you sticking the boot in.
She knows how she feels.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 16:39

IsleofSkies · 10/09/2023 16:35

There is a victim here and they deserve to know the truth.

There is no victim.

Or if there is, it could be argued it's the OP as she gave in to her desire, in a moment of stupidity and will regret it forever.

Yes. Sympathy for adulterers. That's going to be a popular opinion anywhere you go. Poor things who can't take responsibility for their own actions.

SmallBlueDinosaur · 10/09/2023 16:39

My husband cheated, similar circumstances, drunken one night fling meant nothing

This was before we had kids but I only found out after our 3rd child.
I was distraught and I may have gotten over or had he told me at the time, but that would have Ben my choice. He took that choice away from me and when I found out I was tied to him.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:40

If I was starting to ttc with my wife, I think I'd want to know if she was capable of fucking her co-worker.

Rather not be a cuck and potentially raise a kid who's not mine.

Nor potentially get a dose of HPV or HSv (passable even if condoms were used).

Nor have potentially people know I'm a cuck .... Because cheaters always think they're so discrete and careful and nobody knows/guesses but they're delusional.

Nor not have the choice in my own life whether to be in a relationship that's no longer monogamous.... Even if it only was once .

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 16:41

SmallBlueDinosaur · 10/09/2023 16:39

My husband cheated, similar circumstances, drunken one night fling meant nothing

This was before we had kids but I only found out after our 3rd child.
I was distraught and I may have gotten over or had he told me at the time, but that would have Ben my choice. He took that choice away from me and when I found out I was tied to him.

I'm very sorry for the devastation you've been through. May I ask how you found out?

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:41

There is no victim

There are two victims. Op's husband, her cheating partner's partner.

They had no choice in this and are currently still being given no choice. No agency over their own lives.

Querypost · 10/09/2023 16:42

I feel sorry for you. I can imagine the guilt. You only made your vows and you've broken them a year later. I wouldn't tell him. If he had any sense he'd throw you out with the trash.

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 16:42

@Annaishere disagree. People who are happy with THEMSELVES don’t have affairs, even when drunk. If someone with high self esteem and a strong sense of self isn’t getting their needs met in a relationship, they don’t need to look elsewhere for validation. They have all the internal validation they need. They communicate their needs and if they aren’t met, they end the relationship and walk away. They do not put themselves through this absolute wringer that op is now on…..what did she get from it really? Half an hour of validation for months of feeling like shit? No one who really valued themselves would put themselves through it. Unless they are a total shitbag with no conscience, but if op was that, she wouldn’t be posting or feeling guilty.

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 16:42

Exactly, any other advice on here is from people who have cheated before and hidden it up, justifying their guilt, or they just don’t understand life…Absolutely ridiculous people

absolutely @JCP01 anylne that disagrees with you doesn’t understand life and is ridiculous. I don’t understand how some people make it through the day…..

willWillSmithsmith · 10/09/2023 16:43

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 16:24

It’s only sex when he knows the truth yes…It’s his decision to make, at the minute, it’s not only sex, it’s sex and lies

It’s the lies that can cause the most damage. When you find out your partner has been lying to you, whether it’s about sex or money or something even fairly trivial it’s the lying that can affect you the most.

saythatagaintome · 10/09/2023 16:44

OP, if you love your husband and want to save your marriage, my advice is to not share what has occurred.

There’s a couple of reasons I suggest this:

It is actually your “burden” to carry, not his. Telling him would not be helpful in anyway, and all you will have accomplished is two adults in anguish.

two, you can forgive yourself and move past this, but bear in mind that you will think about it occasionally and you will kick yourself.

It will take many years, but it will get better. Forgive yourself. Spare your husband the heartbreak.

Proverbial hugs Xx

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 16:45

It’s only sex when he knows the truth yes…It’s his decision to make, at the minute, it’s not only sex, it’s sex and lies

don’t tell me there’s videotape too!!!

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 16:45

Because cheaters always think they're so discrete and careful and nobody knows/guesses but they're delusional

Yup. Two people I know of have no idea that their 'secret' behaviour is actually common knowledge amongst certain circles.

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