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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 10/09/2023 16:18

I think you need to have a very honest think to yourself about your relationship OP. The incompatibility with sex has affected you enough to seek the validation you need elsewhere. You might feel bad enough never to act on that need again but the impact of it on your self esteem will get worse as time goes on.

It sounds like you are friends rather than romantic partners. Being emotionally bonded as best friends is a great foundation for a relationship if other needs are also met but it’s not always enough on it’s own as you’ve discovered.

If you and your husband have already spoken about the sex issue and every 6 weeks/it feeling like a chore for him is the best outcome, your relationship will end eventually anyway.

He isn’t obliged to have more sex to keep the relationship going - but you also aren’t obliged to stay if that’s important to you. And better to do that before kids arrive.

He does deserve to know. If you love and respect him as you say you do, give him the option of deciding whether he wants to stay once he knows what’s happened.

It might spark an honest conversation about how you both feel and ways forward.
He may also end things, which it’s his right to do, and may be better for you both in the long term, if painful.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 16:18

@JCP01

If you don’t tell him, you’re genuinely not a good person and there isn’t anything you can do to redeem yourself until you tell him
If you tell him, and he’s a real man, he will break up with you and so he should.
If you tell him and he stays with you, it will probably never be the same and for good reason
There isn’t a good outcome in this for you, all you can do is make the right decision and take the hate you deserve

Gosh, you know a lot. There are teeny tiny possibilities that your predictions might be codswallop though.

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 16:19

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:17

dramatic. It is only sex

Show quote history

Yes but it’s not the sex that’s the issue here, it’s having sex whilst you’re in a relationship.

I assume you’re someone who’s DH cheats on regularly and you put up with it because you’ve convinced yourself that ‘it’s only sex’.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 16:19

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:17

dramatic. It is only sex

Show quote history

The whole thread's dramatic, really. They were only vows.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 16:20

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 15:57

Once you've secretly cheated, anything you do is a unilateral decision, whether you tell him or not.

Show quote history

Well it’s not strictly secret if it’s agreed upfront that it could happen and what to do if it does.

Clearly this is different to a situation where there is no pre-agreement

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:20

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 16:19

Yes but it’s not the sex that’s the issue here, it’s having sex whilst you’re in a relationship.

I assume you’re someone who’s DH cheats on regularly and you put up with it because you’ve convinced yourself that ‘it’s only sex’.

Show quote history

Im single

itsmyp4rty · 10/09/2023 16:21

This has happened because of lack of sex in your relationship, your husband doesn't want to have sex very often - so you need to decide if that's a deal breaker for you because it's unlikely to change. You can't make someone want sex more than they do and you can't sleep with other people behind their back because you're not getting the attention you want.

I don't think this relationship is right for you and I think this incident is your wake up call. You might be best friends with your OH but you want more than that from someone and this random stupid man has shown you that. I don't think you'll ever be completely happy in this relationship.

I don't think you should tell him, I just think you should end it.

NonMiDispiace · 10/09/2023 16:21

I guess you’d better hope that the OM’s partner never finds out and comes after you 🤷🏼‍♀️. I know you say it’s very unlikely but for all you know you’re not the first one he’s cheated with…….

Drfosters · 10/09/2023 16:21

I echo what quite a few people have said. You need to go to counselling. Absolutely no judgment against you, you have not committed a crime. But… People truely happy in a relationship don’t have affairs even when drunk. I think you are trying to gloss over your reasons for doing it but the fact is there were reasons and those reasons are not going away. Yes, you may never stray again, but honestly will you be truely happy? You need to work that out.

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 16:21

Hey, I’m not saying it won’t work out in the end, but initially, anybody with self worth Is going to break up with a cheating partner. Maybe you both reflect afterwards and the victim releases it’s worth another shot…My point is, the victim deserves to know the truth…ALWAYS.

Donttellhim · 10/09/2023 16:21

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 16:11

@Donttellhim

But how do you differentiate between what is 'the grand scheme of things' and what isn't? What if it's not important 'in the grand scheme of things' to one person, but it is to their partner? Who gets to decide what their 'grand scheme of things' is? Do you deem it to be the decision of the adulterer? Why?

The grand scheme of things, e.g., she didn’t murder anyone, drink/drug drive, do something criminal! She had a ONS for which she is very regretful. My comment was also not in regard to disclosing to her DH, but about not being too hard on herself, her own health and well-being, eating, sleeping etc. She is allowed to be kind to herself, even if she made a mistake! We all are. Compassion for ourselves and others is allowed. You might ask ‘what about compassion for her dh’? Well, therein lies part of my reasoning for suggesting not disclosing.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:22

People truely happy in a relationship don’t have affairs even when drunk

agree with this. Your needs weren’t being met in the relationship

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:23

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:17

dramatic. It is only sex

Show quote history

Marriages and partnerships are based on sexual exclusivity.

(Unless they are agreed, ethical non monogamy).

It's never only sex. It matters.

It matters intensely to humans, it always has and it probably always will.

Stop trying to pretend it doesn't.

Oh and if it's "only sex" and it doesn't matter. Wouldn't be a problem telling ops husband then, would it.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:24

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:23

Marriages and partnerships are based on sexual exclusivity.

(Unless they are agreed, ethical non monogamy).

It's never only sex. It matters.

It matters intensely to humans, it always has and it probably always will.

Stop trying to pretend it doesn't.

Oh and if it's "only sex" and it doesn't matter. Wouldn't be a problem telling ops husband then, would it.

Show quote history

I think she should tell her husband but it’s her choice and I wouldn’t judge her for not doing it

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 16:24

It’s only sex when he knows the truth yes…It’s his decision to make, at the minute, it’s not only sex, it’s sex and lies

duvetdayy · 10/09/2023 16:24

I understand the argument not to tell him if it’s just to alleviate your guilt but actually I think if you don’t, you are duping him into continuing a relationship which he may very well not choose to be in if he had all the information. You’ll be having sex with your DH when he might not choose to do that if he knew… it all seems horrible to me and it’s so unfair on your DH to lie to him to continue this relationship as it is when you have no idea if that’s what he would choose.

By not telling him you’re taking away his agency to choose whether to be in the relationship or not.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 16:27

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 16:20

Well it’s not strictly secret if it’s agreed upfront that it could happen and what to do if it does.

Clearly this is different to a situation where there is no pre-agreement

Show quote history

Perhaps. But in that case, the "you must tell him or you're making a unilateral decision" argument doesn't really work, because you're making a unilateral decision whether you tell him or not.

I'm really not defending cheating here. It's precisely because it's so destructive that I wouldn't want to know. And if OP really is truly sorry, loves him and won't let it happen again, I can't see what the benefit is except to satisfy someone else's displaced vengeance.

Which it clearly is, since so many people (not all) are obviously so angry at the idea that some of us don't want to be told, hence the insults and superiority and so on. Clearly it's not about having choice if they think we are lesser for making the choice they don't like.

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 16:27

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:20

Im single

Show quote history

That comes as no surprise.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 16:28

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:17

dramatic. It is only sex

Show quote history

If it’s only sex then OP can tell DH.

It isn’t dramatic to expect your partner to mean the vows they say on their wedding day.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:29

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 16:27

That comes as no surprise.

Show quote history

I’m single because my ex was a bastard and I’m taking a break

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 16:29

Contact the Samaritans and say what? Help, I’m a cheater? I’d hope that they would turn around and say ‘well you have done something horrible, and right now you’re a liar, go tell him’ She doesn’t need the Samaritans, she needs to be honest.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:29

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:24

I think she should tell her husband but it’s her choice and I wouldn’t judge her for not doing it

Show quote history

It's not her choice.

She's removing all consent and agency from her husband in their marriage and his life if she doesn't tell him.
She has no right to do that.

There is no choice for anyone with the slightest integrity.

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 16:30

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 16:24

It’s only sex when he knows the truth yes…It’s his decision to make, at the minute, it’s not only sex, it’s sex and lies

Absolutely this!

Cheating I MAY be able to forgive eventually depending on the circumstances and if it was just once.

The lies I absolutely would not forgive.

If you can’t trust your partner not to keep lies from you, then what’s the point in being with them.

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 16:32

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:29

I’m single because my ex was a bastard and I’m taking a break

Show quote history

And that you think cheating is ok because it’s just sex.

Most people wouldn’t want a partner who thought cheating was ok.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 16:32

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 16:27

Perhaps. But in that case, the "you must tell him or you're making a unilateral decision" argument doesn't really work, because you're making a unilateral decision whether you tell him or not.

I'm really not defending cheating here. It's precisely because it's so destructive that I wouldn't want to know. And if OP really is truly sorry, loves him and won't let it happen again, I can't see what the benefit is except to satisfy someone else's displaced vengeance.

Which it clearly is, since so many people (not all) are obviously so angry at the idea that some of us don't want to be told, hence the insults and superiority and so on. Clearly it's not about having choice if they think we are lesser for making the choice they don't like.

Show quote history

If you’re determined it’s about vengeance and not about the integrity of her marriage or morality I can’t explain that to you. Good luck with your setup though

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