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Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
Hallmark1234 · 10/09/2023 15:59

I don't think you should tell him. He will never trust you again and it may end your marriage. You need to carry the guilt alone and learn from it. Not burden him.

I'm not castigating you, as I did the same when I was younger than you. I can look back and see how I got carried away with the attention from an attractive man. It never happened again. I'm now twice your age and I've lived with the guilt, but never told my OH.

I can't prove it, but I think it's possible he's also cheated over our 40 year marriage, when we went through a bad patch. Over the course of time these things do become easier to bear, especially if in all other respects you have a good marriage.

I don't want to alarm you, but have you considered that he may also cheat while away on his lads holiday?

Get tested, then therapy and put it behind you as a one off.

Fairymcclary · 10/09/2023 16:00

Branch - his word is meaningless. He no doubt tells his wife he is faithful 🤷‍♀️.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 16:01

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 15:58

It's just another example of them making a selfish, disrespectful, dishonest choice yet somehow still claiming to love and respect their husband/wife.

Show quote history

Selfish, disrespectful and dishonest people can still love their partners.

But in the case of a one off stupid mistake like this, it's more that the person did a selfish, disrespectful and dishonest thing.

But like I said, this isn't actually about the partner or the family. It's about punishing the cheater. Displaced vengeance, and the pain and destruction is worth it because that's the end game. Even if the cheater has in fact learned their lesson, feels like shit and will never do it again.

I don't agree.

Thewizardbinbag · 10/09/2023 16:01

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 15:58

I know it’s not impossible but think extremely unlikely to get back to my DH unless I’m the one who tells him.
The OM was extremely clear to me he wasn’t going to tell his partner or anyone we work with. He also in general, is quite withdrawn at work, not someone who is gossiping etc. I know that there is an argument for saying not to trust him but I don’t think he has anything to gain from telling anyone anything so not sure why he would.

So you’re planning to keep it secret from him and trick him into children? Because that’s what is it. You’re tricking him into having children with someone he believes has been faithful, when in reality you are a cheat and a liar. And his decision to have children will be based on a lie.

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 16:04

It's about punishing the cheater. Displaced vengeance, and the pain and destruction is worth it because that's the end game. Even if the cheater has in fact learned their lesson, feels like shit and will never do it again

Um, no. I couldn't care less about punishing the cheater. I feel that unless the partnership is an open marriage, or unless it has already been agreed that they don't share one-off transgressions with each other, one person shouldn't get to unilaterally decide what is best for the other, regardless of the issue.

It's controlling.

caerdydd12 · 10/09/2023 16:04

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 16:01

Selfish, disrespectful and dishonest people can still love their partners.

But in the case of a one off stupid mistake like this, it's more that the person did a selfish, disrespectful and dishonest thing.

But like I said, this isn't actually about the partner or the family. It's about punishing the cheater. Displaced vengeance, and the pain and destruction is worth it because that's the end game. Even if the cheater has in fact learned their lesson, feels like shit and will never do it again.

I don't agree.

Show quote history

But pain and destruction are consequences of what the OP has already done. Do you not think the person cheated on deserves to decide for themselves whether they want to stay married to a cheat or not, and in this case have children with them?

Thewizardbinbag · 10/09/2023 16:06

@branchscreen

It really comes down to what sort of person you are.
Are you honest, moral, and truly care about your partner making decisions for himself based on honesty in a marriage? Or are you only moral when you know you won’t get caught?
You’re pretty sure you can get away with it, so you’re leaning towards hiding this from him. So, you’re only faithful and honest when you need to be, and if you can get away with it, then you’re not. Is that the type of person you are?

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 16:07

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 16:01

Selfish, disrespectful and dishonest people can still love their partners.

But in the case of a one off stupid mistake like this, it's more that the person did a selfish, disrespectful and dishonest thing.

But like I said, this isn't actually about the partner or the family. It's about punishing the cheater. Displaced vengeance, and the pain and destruction is worth it because that's the end game. Even if the cheater has in fact learned their lesson, feels like shit and will never do it again.

I don't agree.

Show quote history

It's about giving the person cheated on an informed choice because they deserve to decide if they want to continue the marriage.

It's about the fact that not telling them is lying by omission and continues the selfish, disrespectful and dishonest thing they swear is a one off.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 16:08

@SurprisedWithAHorse

Expecting people who have made promises that affect other people's lives to keep to their promises isn't displaced vengeance.

cathyj77 · 10/09/2023 16:08

I wouldn't tell him.

I made a one-off mistake like this years ago. Didn't sleep with the man in question but despite that, I felt so guilty I did tell my husband. He was gutted, obviously, but he could see how sorry I was, how much I regretted it, and we moved on. I have never done anything like this again (this was 15 years ago now) and I never would.

But if I had my time again, I also wouldn't tell my DH. I put him through weeks/months of sadness where I could see how anxious and miserable he was, it made him more insecure. He said he was glad I had told him of course, but if I hadn't told him, I still would never have done it again, and he'd never have known. So in my view, if you're as certain as I was that you won't do something like this again, I would spare him the misery and not tell him.

If my husband had cheated on me as a total one-off and regretted it and decided never to do it again, I wouldn't want to know. I genuinely wouldn't. This is a very different situation from a longstanding affair.

I agree with posters who have said that you need to distance yourself entirely from the OM and possibly consider a change of job. In my case, it was also a man at work and he thankfully left shortly afterwards. But I steered clear of him until he did. I wasn't even that attracted to him, it was a proper moment of madness caused by other psychological things going on for me.

Donttellhim · 10/09/2023 16:09

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 14:42

@Donttellhim

It really isn’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, so don’t beat yourself up too much

But if it's not that big a deal, she can tell her husband and that's what he'll say, right? Otherwise, it is a big deal, to him. This 'It's not really a problem' mindset doesn't logically make sense. Either it's a big deal, so it needs to be out in the open, or it's not a big deal, so OP might as well tell her husband. Either way, she tells him.

I said not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, not that it isn’t a big deal to him.

My dh (of 20 years)was unfaithful 17 years ago. He got really worked up about it and it was his guilt that almost ended the marriage. I would have much rather he stopped doing it and kept it to himself. I am by no means a walkover, I just think a ONS (and sex in general) ‘in the grand scheme of things’ is not a big deal, if it is a one-off. I would want to know if my dh was a serial adulterer!

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 16:11

@Donttellhim

But how do you differentiate between what is 'the grand scheme of things' and what isn't? What if it's not important 'in the grand scheme of things' to one person, but it is to their partner? Who gets to decide what their 'grand scheme of things' is? Do you deem it to be the decision of the adulterer? Why?

Mummypie21 · 10/09/2023 16:12

Don't beat yourself up about it as we all do things we regret. However, if my husband cheated on me, I would want to know. Depending on how remorseful he was and the circumstances, it might not be the end of us.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/09/2023 16:12

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 15:36

@EarringsandLipstick I mean that’s the entire point of what I was saying. People have different viewpoints. You can’t present statements like @Malarandras did as facts, it’s an opinion.

If I did it I’d examine why and if I determined it was a one off thing I’d forget about it. Im fact I did and 15 years later with a happy family I don’t regret that one tiny little bit.

No that's fair. It's an opinion, and not everyone will agree, I accept that.

I do find it hard to understand how people who keep infidelity quiet see it as compatible with their marriage vows tho.

MrDirtyBear · 10/09/2023 16:14

Ugh. Your marriage as was is over. You are now in new territory. Think you need to be brave, bring the other person in it up to speed, don't you?

One way or another it's irrevocably changed and you really want to think twice about bringing kids into a situation that's now just going to fester..... ....and your OH will pick up on the change in you.... work through in your mind 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years from now.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 16:15

The OM was extremely clear to me he wasn’t going to tell his partner

Oh so you're not just a married cheater but n ow/accessory to an attached man cheating too.

Your poor partners, they both have the right to know and decide if they want to continue the relationship.

Stop taking their consent and agency in their lives and sex lives away from them.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/09/2023 16:15

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 15:38

Seriously? So 'what you don't know won't hurt you type of thing?' That's shocking. Really awful

can you articulate why @EarringsandLipstick?

Really?

Because it undermines the whole foundation of marriage: love, trust, respect ...

If partners in marriage choose to keep significant secrets from each other, that's not a basis for happiness, IMO.

Deceit & lying is never going to equate to a healthy relationship.

In addition, whatever about one solitary single mistake, if keeping secrets is a core part of a marriage, at some point some of those secrets will be uncovered, causing massive irrevocable hurt.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/09/2023 16:16

@Watchkeys

Sorry I see you got there first, and yes, I agree wholeheartedly.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/09/2023 16:16

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 15:42

being a regular cheater is incredibly different from one drunken mistake

I don't agree. I think lying to your life partner for 15 years, taking away reality, consent and agency from them is dispicable, personally.

It's up to them whether to live with "one drunken mistake", not you, IMO.

👏👏👏

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 16:16

I do find it hard to understand how people who keep infidelity quiet see it as compatible with their marriage vows tho

It makes the marriage illegitimate in my opinion. Fake. Founded on a lie. What's the point in the partnership? It isn't real.

Unless previously discussed, nobody should decide to take away their partner's right to the truth. Nobody can say 100% whether their partner would want to know, or not in such circumstances.

Marineboy67 · 10/09/2023 16:16

Viviennemary · 10/09/2023 13:36

If you want your marriage to survive don't tell your dh. It's too risky.

It's disappointing to see the predictive double standards displayed by some posters. An overwhelmingly different response when a woman is lied to and cheated on in this way.
Be honest and tell him the truth, it should be his decision if he wants to stay or leave with someone who lies & cheats.

JCP01 · 10/09/2023 16:17

Keep asking for advice, but…
If you don’t tell him, you’re genuinely not a good person and there isn’t anything you can do to redeem yourself until you tell him.
If you tell him, and he’s a real man, he will break up with you and so he should.
If you tell him and he stays with you, it will probably never be the same and for good reason.
There isn’t a good outcome in this for you, all you can do is make the right decision and take the hate you deserve.
The harsh reality is that it was a co-worker and you knew what you were doing. Im tired of stories like this and other people actually being empathetic of your narrative.
Tell him, every human deserved to know that their marriage partner can’t be trusted so they can make a decision.
If people on here advise you not to tell him, it’s because they are either cheaters themselves and justifying their own disgusting behaviour or they are just Low IQ. Cheating is extremely detrimental and lies are very damaging to someone’s mental health, which is what you are doing to your partner.
you don’t need a psychiatrist, you know what you have done, stop moping around being self deprecating and be honest, you can’t justify that to yourself, it’s not possible.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 16:17

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 16:16

I do find it hard to understand how people who keep infidelity quiet see it as compatible with their marriage vows tho

It makes the marriage illegitimate in my opinion. Fake. Founded on a lie. What's the point in the partnership? It isn't real.

Unless previously discussed, nobody should decide to take away their partner's right to the truth. Nobody can say 100% whether their partner would want to know, or not in such circumstances.

dramatic. It is only sex

Thurlarder · 10/09/2023 16:17

If this was me and it was a one off I would much rather not know TBH.

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 16:18

Obviously you need to tell your DH else your guilt is going to eat you up and destroy the marriage anyway (and out of decency he should know).

If I was him I would not be happy that my DH was still working in the same place that the woman he slept with was.
So I’d seriously consider changing my job or saying it was a random person on a night out.

The biggest issue here (aside from what you did) is this was not just a ONS.
You say yourself that you’ve flirted with this colleague and there’s a connection so it’s much deeper than a ONS.

If your marriage survives this then I would be moving jobs as I don’t think you are able to make sure this doesn’t happen again.