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Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
CoolShoeshine · 10/09/2023 15:48

Op is there a chance that this could get back to your dh? Could the om tell colleagues etc and the gossip spreads? Or perhaps he could tell his partner who could tell yours. If that is the case you might as well tell dh now in your own words.
Then seek marriage guidance with him if he is willing to give it a try.
Never see the om again, if you’ve been tempted once you’ll do it again. He sounds a nob and I bet he’s been around.

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 15:49

Hear hear @SurprisedWithAHorse!

it all sounds exhausting tbh

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 10/09/2023 15:49

OP I can't advise if you should tell your DH. Years ago I fell in love with a colleague. I never slept with him but it was an emotional relationship. I had been married 7 years (no DC) and looking back was unhappy with mismatched libidos.
I told my husband. I wanted him to leave me. He didn't, he fought for me. He told me the man was a wife stealer. The speach was quite impressive about the integrity of a man the seeks to break up a marriage. Turns out my fantasy man was the office Latherio . He had shagged all my shop girls. I was the £1 bet. My sales manager had a trading places type wager. Bastards. He went on to marry my secretary. I was heartbroken for years.
However I'm still married, he isn't and I have two grown up DC.
I am now old enough for my DH to chase me more than him. Be careful around not having similar sex drives it can make you miserable. It's one of life's freebies.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 15:51

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 15:46

Wow! Fair enough, each to their own I suppose?

does your husband know that’s the arrangement or would he be surprised to know that you’d potentially not tell him about a drunken mistake?

(genuine question not attacking though it might sound that way)

Show quote history

Yeah yeah, genuinely this and that.

Yes, actually, he does. I've never cheated on him and AFAIK he hasn't ever cheated on me. But he knows this is how I feel about stupid short mistakes that are over. He knows it's not permission to do it but he knows I don't believe in ruining lives for no benefit except displaced senses of vengeance or to share a burden that shouldn't be mine.

If he has cheated on me, he's managed it in such a way that I suspect nothing and our kids and I are very happy. If it's over, he loves me and he isn't going to do it again, I don't want to know.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/09/2023 15:51

The hypocrisy of MN is still clearly alive and well.

Does no one actually respect their partners anymore and think they deserve faithfulness and honesty at a minimum?

Fairymcclary · 10/09/2023 15:52

Also what if your cover is blown. Let’s say the man has text his mate ‘you won’t believe who I shagged last night’. Then his wife finds the messages.

Or he drunkenly confesses to a mate in a years time on a night out.

Or his wife finds out about a conquest in 10 years time and he follows the infidelity advice and tells her about all encounters to save his marriage.

You are relying on a liar to keep quiet for the rest of your life.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 15:52

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 15:47

Absolutely no point in telling him. I literally can’t think of one positive thing that would emerge from doing so?

It would satisfy a load of irrelevant strangers' displaced sense of vengeance against cheaters. They tie themselves in pretzels about choice and all that but there's only one choice they think is valid. Basically, they don't ever want a cheater to get away with it, no matter what the circumstances and no matter how much absolutely pointless damage it causes to the partner and family. The cheater must be punished to satisfy them and that really is it.

Not a good enough reason for me. I would not want to be told. You love me, you truly regret it, you know it won't happen again? Don't burden me with it. It's your problem. I don't want to know. Don't tell me.

It's funny that some cheaters don't think about the damage it causes until after the act when it also includes saving their skin.

GilbertMarkham · 10/09/2023 15:52

if it was the other way, ask yourself would you want to know?

But it's not her who's been cheated on (that she knows of), it's him.

So this rhetorical question is irrelevant.

The question is whether he would want to know.

And you won't get an answer to that without triggering his spidey senses (further).

He'd entitled to the opportunity to decide whether he wants to continue the relationship now that his spouse has cheated on him. End of story.

You're taking away his consent in the relationship if you don't tell him.

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 15:52

The hypocrisy of MN is still clearly alive and well. Does no one actually respect their partners anymore and think they deserve faithfulness and honesty at a minimum?

explain your use of the word hypocrisy here @ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

Crumpleton · 10/09/2023 15:52

Personally I think you should tell him and let him decide his own future especially as you say you're trying for a baby.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 15:53

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/09/2023 15:51

The hypocrisy of MN is still clearly alive and well.

Does no one actually respect their partners anymore and think they deserve faithfulness and honesty at a minimum?

It’s a very personal choice to admit or not. And it is her choice

Lilibert456 · 10/09/2023 15:53

Just realists.

Spinningcats · 10/09/2023 15:53

Nah. It won’t get back to the husband. If it does (which it won’t) it’s a lie. You tell no-one ever. You are safe.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 15:53

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 15:52

It's funny that some cheaters don't think about the damage it causes until after the act when it also includes saving their skin.

Show quote history

It's not funny at all. It's perfectly logical.

But the fact that they benefit from it doesn't mean it's the wrong choice.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 10/09/2023 15:55

Personally OP I wouldn’t tell your DH.

Telling your DH will only hurt him and I never saw the point in that. Does he really need to know that you cheated? Does he really need to feel or wonder why he wasn’t enough for you? I promise this isn’t a dig but these are the type of thoughts that will go through his head and it’s not fair on him.

Your punishment is your guilt. Would you really want to know if he had cheated on you? Think of the sleepless nights or wondering where he was every time he went out. It could potentially destroy your marriage.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 15:55

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 15:51

Yeah yeah, genuinely this and that.

Yes, actually, he does. I've never cheated on him and AFAIK he hasn't ever cheated on me. But he knows this is how I feel about stupid short mistakes that are over. He knows it's not permission to do it but he knows I don't believe in ruining lives for no benefit except displaced senses of vengeance or to share a burden that shouldn't be mine.

If he has cheated on me, he's managed it in such a way that I suspect nothing and our kids and I are very happy. If it's over, he loves me and he isn't going to do it again, I don't want to know.

Show quote history

Wow well I guess it works for you! At least you don’t seem to be unilaterally deciding what’s best for him… can’t really knock it if it’s a mutual decision like having an open relationship.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 15:56

@Spinningcats

In answer to your questions, yes, I would tell the truth in all of those situations, and if someone genuinely thinks that a liar and cheat wouldn't have the moral high ground over someone who stuck to their word regarding issues important to others, then that someone would be a total twat.

But like you say, it's just my opinion. You enjoy your deceitful relationships!

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 15:57

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 15:55

Wow well I guess it works for you! At least you don’t seem to be unilaterally deciding what’s best for him… can’t really knock it if it’s a mutual decision like having an open relationship.

Edited
Show quote history

Once you've secretly cheated, anything you do is a unilateral decision, whether you tell him or not.

chachaching · 10/09/2023 15:58

It's actually sad the amount who wouldn't tell their OH! What kind of relationships are yous all in? 🤯 but then I suppose I love and respect my husband enough not to jump into bed with someone else in the first place!

Thewizardbinbag · 10/09/2023 15:58

Every post is all about you. All about how you feel, what you want. You might have, after screwing someone else, finally decided that you love your husband and want to grow old with him but it isn’t your choice anymore.

You should be talking about him, and what he wants, once he has all the information.

He deserves to choose his life path with all the information. His wife had sex with another man, and you certainly weren’t regretting it while it was going on as you finished, yes? It was only after, when you realised you had to live with it, that you felt bad. You were quite happy to do it and actually wanted to contact the man. Your husband deserves to know the truth about his marriage.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 15:58

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 15:53

It's not funny at all. It's perfectly logical.

But the fact that they benefit from it doesn't mean it's the wrong choice.

Show quote history

It's just another example of them making a selfish, disrespectful, dishonest choice yet somehow still claiming to love and respect their husband/wife.

Original poster
branchscreen · 10/09/2023 15:58

I know it’s not impossible but think extremely unlikely to get back to my DH unless I’m the one who tells him.
The OM was extremely clear to me he wasn’t going to tell his partner or anyone we work with. He also in general, is quite withdrawn at work, not someone who is gossiping etc. I know that there is an argument for saying not to trust him but I don’t think he has anything to gain from telling anyone anything so not sure why he would.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 10/09/2023 15:59

OP this board is full of people complaining of sexual incompatibility and lack of frequency etc. They will tell you that it eats at their self esteem. That's probably why you responded to the ego boost.
You are at risk of this happening again, it's not great if it feels like your DH is providing sex out of duty sometimes. You need to sort that aspect out - not sure if it can be. Tbh, if you are only at it every 6 weeks now, it's likely to become non-existent down the line, especially of you have DC's, that is going to leave you open to the next ego boost as its important to you.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 10/09/2023 15:59

Dropthedonkey · 10/09/2023 15:38

Can you actually read?

Show quote history

???

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 15:59

I know that there is an argument for saying not to trust him but I don’t think he has anything to gain from telling anyone anything so not sure why he would

Well, he got his end away. Some people like to talk about that.