A thread for those of us who have realised our partners are not so bad after all....

[Janni]

..so we would like to practise being nicer to them! I managed a week without saying anything sarcastic or critical to DH.

This week I'm also trying to be more affectionate to him, rather than just hugging the kids!

I feel happier and the atmosphere at home is much better.

Back again...the party went OK. My DD was a miserable little sod the entire time and i was mightily embarassed, but when everyone had gone I did not take it out on my DH, which has to be a first . He has just been shimmying around the kitchen and making up silly rhymes and told me he feels really positive about us and our relationship. It was so joyful it has broken my heart to see how much he needs that kind of positivity . However, it has given me even more incentive to keep up the work and try to take a little step each day. Wish me luck!

Wow, its like this thread was made just for me!
Im a massive nag - and I know it. But I cant stop. Even when Im going on and on, Im WILLING myself in my head just to shut up, but I cant. I know I sound like my mother, and I know how crap it was growing up with a mum that found fault in everything me and my dad ever did.
I also seem to think dp is really thick sometimes - just in the way that a lot of men are, iykwim. Its a common sense thing, but it drives me INSANE!
It makes me cry sometimes how horrid I can be to my dp, and, bless him, he just takes all my shit, and still loves me to pieces for it.
Has anyone ever wondered ow they would react if their dp/dh spoke to them like that? Id be horrified, hurt, and really upset.
My dp is wonderful, and I really couldnt ask for anyone better. I just seem to forget (alot) that everyone has their faults, and I, most certainly, am not perfect, or easy to live with, but dp doesnt go on and on at me about any of it.

Flub, i get thinking like that, especially when i have just let rip at my poor DH. If he spoke to me like it people would say he was a bully or worse. I wonder why we react the way we do? mine comes from feeling a bit lost - SAHM, not very good at the mum bit and crappy relationship with family. I think sometimes we push our lovers hard to see if they will still keep coming back.
But now we can turn it around ....small steps!

What a fab thread! I'm not on MN much these days so it's great to pop on and see a thread like this.

I was in need of a book to read on a train journey recently so I popped into a charity shop. I had about 2 mins to choose one and this jumped out at me - possibly because it was brand new with a perfect cover, I don't know. Anyway....it is excellent. I don't think it would be out of place to mention it on this thread. "The Marriage Book. How to build a lasting relationship." Nicky & Sila Lee. With a foreword by Nicky Gumbel. HTB Publications, London. Its cover price is £5.99 but in my library you can order books in for 50p. It has a religious base (is that the right way to express what I mean?) but that doesn't put me off at all and hopefully it won't put others off either. I think it is a sound book and so I'd recommend it.

I've been way out of my comfort zone in work on two occasions very recently and it has brought home to me that when my dh has days of meetings and some are challenging to say the least, he might well feel as I have done recently and I'll be much more understanding as a result. I even replayed everything that was said in one meeting for an hour in the middle of the night last night, my mind was going over it so much! Ah, well - it was a good experience and I'll be much more content with my normal job and less likely to envy those going to meetings from now on!

I sooo needed this thread last week!

Minkulus - that's so nice how much your DH appreciated the change in you. Well done! Children's parties can be pretty stressful at the best of times.

Flubdub - break it down into small steps, little things you can change so you don't feel overwhelmed. It's really hard to break longstanding habits, especially ones you learned from your mother!

Dollybird - join now! I think we'll be going for a while!

Ruby - thanks for the book recommendation.

I'm still going strong and it's not easy, but doing this challenge has helped me look at other things in my life where I need help eg managing the household and sorting out the squabbling between the children. I'm trying to be much clearer in my mind so that I don't just take out my frustrations on DH.

Janni,
thank you for getting this going and for the encouragement you are giving everyone. As has been said before on this thread sometimes we get bogged down in 'slating' our DPs and its easier to blame them than look at frustrations,limitations etc. I love that you are getting your head around other things in your life - i think my epiphany has also come about the stuff that needs sorting so that i have more time and emotion for my DH and DD. Sometimes feels as if we are spread a bit thin IYSWIM . I have fallen a bit today, but i am going back out of the office smiling and positive - thanks!

me too signing up.
i have just come back form a 6 week course, staying away from home Mon- Fri.
Didn't think DH could or would manage, but he did so really well and is continuing to do his fair share.
It has made us both appreciate each other more and I really want it to continue as I can be a complete bitch to him at times, although there have been times when he deserves it!

Hi again, got to rush but just wanted to 'sign in' for the day too! Minkulus you sound like you're doing really well with this. Doublebluff -welcome, glad your DH has come up trumps while you've been away.

I really bit my tongue today to stop nagging my DH about getting in touch with his mum. He does it in his own time and it really is none of my business. God this thread is really making me think about what I say and it's HARD!

Were not all turning into The Surrendered Wife are we? She even says that if your husband is driving somewhere, and he takes a wrong turn, dont say anything - BECAUSE ITS NAGGING!

I feel a bit like this this week. had a totally shit Mothers Day, all because DS2 had fallen and hurt hishead the day before and was clearly out of sorts because of it, but I took it all out on DH despite him buying me flowers, and making a card with DS1 for me the day before and TRYING to let me have a lie in and TRYING to bring me breakfast in bed. I had a few glasses of vino Sunday night and just let rip at him that he doesn't appreciate me, or notice what I do, or do his fair share. He let rip at me back pointing out he works full time to my part time, pays all the bills and mortgage, has no time to himself unless he books a day fishing which I make him feel guilty about, cooks every night, always helps with bath and bedtime...

Made me feel really guilty especially when he quite rightly pointed out that I don't notice the stuff HE does, like the bins, watering the plants, washing the cars, etc etc. Gave me real food for thought this week, especially when despite our outbursts he brought me a cup of tea in bed every morning this week, helped even more with the children in the mornings, and cleared away after making his sandwiches.

Don't get me wrong - he can still drive me insane with the wet towels on the bed, dropping clothes where he stands type activity but the point is I do stuff that annoys him too and it's all a balance and a trade off...he is a great husband and I am lucky to have him.

Flubdub, that's a valid point but personally, I'm really not into the surrendered wife thing. I wouldn't sit by and say nothing if DH was clearly doing something daft. There is a BIG difference though between saying you disagree with him and belittling him as if he's one of the DC. All I know is that through making the changes I've made these past couple of weeks, our relationship has really improved and I feel much better about myself, happier.

hi all i'm still doing good i made him nice rainbow trout dinner told him he can watch top gear

lol might not sound much but normally dominate the tv lol in get 9 oclock he has top gear at 8

he loves it gets his coffee and biscuits and feels like he has some place in this home after all

he has been so loving back i agree its not surrendering but acceptimng just because it niggles us its not nessassarily wrong so we dont need to be having ago at our men who ar clearly slogging there guts out to support us then have to come home feeling unappreciated

we do tend to think about ourselves more its only natural but by opening up and realising how they must be feeling deserves rectifying makes them see why they fell in love with us in the first place

i am enjoying my relationship again and if we need to let off steam we can do it here instead of at them

well done every one

Hello everyone..I'm still doing ok, I think. Definitely no surrendering going on here though! I think it's the difference between, say, telling someone they have taken a wrong turn or totally berating them for never fecking looking at a map or paying bloody attention to anything but themselves!

Not that I've said that [hmmm]

Anyway, we're going ok so far....

I had to laugh about the surrendered wife bit I once asked my husband if he thought that it would make him happier if I 'surrendered' to him and I honestly thought he was going to cry - he got all panicky and said "does that mean i have to shout at you and stuff, ooh I don't think i can do that. Do you mind?" Bless his heart
I agree with all the lovely ladies - we are not surrendering so much as rolling over a bit to show our softer undersides. I for one am enjoying my husbands renewed joie de vivre. its just so sad that i'm the one who crushes him in the first place. Deep breath, smile and positive remarks.......

Hi all
Bubbla - you sound like you're doing so many nice things for your DH. JRocks and Minkulus - it seriously doesn't feel like 'surrendering' to me, either. I'm really amazed at how so many of us are saying that our change in behaviour is automatically making our DHs behave better. Mine is being so much more helpful and supportive with the house and kids. This morning I asked him to put the rubbish out and he went round and emptied all the bins in the house as well. I don't think he has EVER done that before.

I find I'm still struggling with the 'showing affection' bit of this week's challenge though and I'm trying to work out why. It might be because I don't feel like a very loveable person, so don't understand why he would WANT me to touch/stroke/kiss him unless it was part of sex. We've got out of the habit of just being affectionate to each other - sometimes I feel like I'm very cold, guarded. Am really going to try hard on this one.

*Signs up to this one

We've lost sight of each other for a good many months,we've been more open,honest and affectionate in the last week and it feels lovely.

Great thread!

janni just take it day by day bit more affection each day until you feel comfortable

the odd kiss and cuddle hand on his leg while watching tv kiss just to say i love you

i always hold his hand while watching tv i didnt when i thought he would try and pounce on me as was afraid of giving him wrong idea if knackered

but now we both know and were both affectionate he'll tap my bum on way past or kiss my head if walking out of room

poshwellies welcome and hope you can sort things with dp this thread is so helpful

Thanks Bubblagirl - that's a really sweet message. I'll try!

Welcome poshwellies!

DH has taken the kids to swimming lessons. I
was not calm and organised about getting them ready. Felt really annoyed with them and used the same tone to speak to DH . Realise I have done that quite often in the past - speak to him as if he's one of the DC. Not good.

Will try to do better when they get back.
Hope all on this thread are OK!

i made my dp lovely pork dinner annoyed him by asking if he was ok as he seemed tense and makes me feel uncomfortable

as when talking to him he just stares at tv so i know somethings up

anyway kept giving him kisses telling him i love him and cuddling him he eventually told me he was so tired and run down

so i made him coffee bought his biscuits through let him atch top gear in peace lol

anyway although it was still uncomfortable atmosphere as always is if he's like that we still managed to have a laugh so all was ok

janni we are allowed to mess up every now and then we are only huiman after all and patience will only last for so long

we have alot of stress at moment with ds 2.10 needing further assessments to rule out autism

normally we would pull apart and dp doesnt know how to handle this he gets angry but were managing to talk and be there for one another

i also know not to go on too long as he can only handle it for short amount of time before he loses it

so all is well still in the bubbla household

{have had to do alot of walking away and sitting tight lipped but been worth it} dont want to make us sound like the waltons lol

its taking alot of hard work

Bubbla - I'm so sorry to hear about the stress over your little boy. It's great that you're managing to keep your relationship with your DH healthy at such a worrying time.

DH has been fab this week, he has done more than I could ask and everything I wanted of him

He is more than OK and after 17 years he seems to be being great

I am so very very lucky

Hi girls - just checking in. Things going well here today. DH and I are laughing a lot more and much more relaxed, though i agree with you Janni, sometimes when I'm stressed (usually while trying to get ready, a bit of a flash point?) I really talk to DH as if hes a naughty, disobedient child . I wonder where we 'learn' that behaviour?
I hope it will be back on track for you when they get home from swimming.
Thinking of you all and sending good vibes!

Wish me luck, everyone - DH arrives back this afternoon after a week away. It's always difficult when he's been away, as the house stays relatively tidy when he's not around, and he comes in and immediately creates mess. But I'm going to try really hard not to get at him for it, and to show him how much we missed him.