A thread for those of us who have realised our partners are not so bad after all....

[Janni]

..so we would like to practise being nicer to them! I managed a week without saying anything sarcastic or critical to DH.

This week I'm also trying to be more affectionate to him, rather than just hugging the kids!

I feel happier and the atmosphere at home is much better.

God I feel old, tired and a bit past it on many days, OrmIrian. I'm also jealous (at times) of DHs status at work when I'm just a SAHM. I just got back from picking up 8 year old from school, 3 year old in tow and her acting up hugely to the point where I felt DESPERATE and like 'God this is SO much harder than any paid employment' No one really sees all the invisible work you do to keep it all ticking over.

You're so right about the grass being greener anywhere than outside your own front door!

Well I'm out at work janni. And whilst it can be great to escape from home sometimes, it grinds you down too. It felt like a very long day today and I knew I was coming home to a very messy post-weekend house, a machine full of washing to sort out, 3 world book day costumes to sort, plus the usual lunch boxes and dinner stuff. And DH will walk in the door at around 6.15 when much of it is sorted. I guess no-one's ever totally happy with their lot. And DH is pretty good all in all.

hmmmm breaking it down into mini-challenges could be the way to go. I did ok last night actually, chatted to dh in the evening rather than reading or watching tv and ignoring him like usual . Will try to keep that up

DH is now getting up with the children whenever I ask him, rather than me doing it every day and feeling resentful.

I'm struggling with being physically affectionate, that's a weird trait of mine. I think any stroke or kiss is going to seem like a come-on. I really have to crack this one!

I'm bailing DH out of some big paperwork mess this morning, stuff he's neglected to do. Have not uttered a word of complaint or criticism.
I am equally disorganised and need to tackle that, because so much of my irritation towards him has been that I'm really mad at myself!

Took steps this morning to find a nursery place for youngest child which will hopefully help me get a bit more time to sort my life out.

Well done with the paperwork, Janni. It feels like pulling teeth to me, sorting out that kind of stuff. And I have to do my tax return! I honestly spend 364 days worrying about it.

WHat I find difficult is when DH is moaning and you want to start harping back! DH was complaining about us being overdrawn and mentioned a train ticket I had bought (£24). Funnily enough he did not mention the surfboard he had bought (£500)

PS Three cheers for nurseries! It gives me more mumsnet time

going to have to really bite my tongue as dp due back oon from working away and hardly had any contact at all always leaves me feeling a bit second best

keep reminding myself his days were very very long and his doing it fore us but feel really annoyed as i wasnt well and sent him a message and he barely acknowledged the fact iw as throwing up and ds not been well so was really struggling

deep breath big hugs when he comes in i really want to come back on and say i did it and i will i really will lol

not going to let it ruin the good thing we have going with each other

must remember i'm not second best but work must come first lol

janni i too felt the same with my dp and come up with a thing that i would send hima message saying i want to have a really cuddly evening tonight but nothing more

i would massage him and he would massage me and we would just snuggle eventually i realised i wanted to do more as no pressure

i know how you feel though one kiss pile of washing up they think its perfect time to drape them selves over you and try and get more from you

so i always sent that message to set record straight lol

now we cuddle all the time and if we do we do but no pressure i think its a mans way of feeling loved but he knows now as i',m so much more affectionate he doesnt need to make love to me as he knows i still fancy him

well done you sound like your still doing really good

Bubblagirl - how did it go?

What a great thread. Thanks everyone for giving me something positive to think about. Can i join your challenge? mind you my poor DH will probably be calling for the men in white coats - I have been such a bitch just recently......

All are welcome!

I'm still telling DH about things that don't go well during the day, but I'm being REALLY careful to not make anything sound like I'm having a go at him. He is automatically being more helpful. Told me to go out for a bit when he got home from work and when I got back he and the kids had had a huge tidy up!

Does anyone else struggle with being affectionate to their DH? I used to be really touchy-feely but since the children I find it hard to do and it's not even as if mine are babies any more. Before I started these threads I was locked into this feeling that I had to do everything myself, liked I'd put an invisible wall around me.

I guess I need to take small steps as with all of this relationship stuff.

Night all - hope it's going OK. Don't be afraid to post on here if it's not!

This week is definitely a bit harder than last.. And tonight he's fecked off to the pub for a bit..just rang him and he's 'literally just walking out of the door now' which actually means half an hour away at least. I don't really mind, I just think its unnecessary, but shall attempt to refrain from snide remarks on his return.. (was Mymeems last week but felt like a change btw)

Okay so maybe he was just walking out the door

Hi JRocks/Mymeems. I think there's bound to be a sort of 'honeymoon period' when you start trying to change, but after a while you really have to battle with yourself to stop behaving in the usual way. I'm taking a fraction more time before I say things to DH to make sure it's said nicely rather than snapping at him which is what I usually do when I'm tired and fed-up (which is a lot of the time ). I can honestly say though that because I've been trying really hard to change, without even telling him about it, he has automatically behaved better. This morning he said 'I just want you to make you happy'.

There are lots of things in my own life that I'm not satisfied with and need to tackle, but what I've been doing is blaming DH, whereas he's actually a really good bloke who works hard and is very good at what he does. He's also laidback, good-humoured and fun.

I'm really glad I started this thread!

i messed up slightly but we didnt argue but i thought id approach taboo subject of when we would have more dc we have 1 ds nearly 3

well he said a while back no more dc and he also doesnt want to get married he always says we will but then finds millions of reasons why we shouldnt very romantic

anyway feleing bit broody and he told me point blank no more children

so i kind of said oh because you have spoken i have to have no more dc and no marraige just wandering what i do get a say in

and then oops said i'm beginning to wonder now whether i'm willing to give up my dreams of more dc and marraige for him

i know it was a bit mean but it makes me so sad ir eally want these things kills me to think i'll never give my ds a brother or sister

some days i think no ones enough then i get that very painful longing that just makes me burst into tears

anyway we are fine and we didnt row i think he feels guilty as he used to ask me to marry him all the time and also said he wanted 2 dc so i said i feel his lied to me as if he was honest in first place i may not have got with him as we clearly want different things

he then said i do want to marry you i love you so much but i know he doesnt he said it sounded good at the time when he said it and he dont get marraige aaaggghhh i could go mad

still i'm still going to keep this going and i refuse to let this ruin what we have at moment just dont know how to get rid of this pain i feel

sorry to go on needed to vent to someone just keep crying for what i'll never have and he had cheek to say it was because how i felt with him not being round first time as works alot and he cant go through that again

opnce again its something i've done he never is fully honest about his feelings makes me feel worse that its me that has ruined having more dc

anyway due to all this i think he now feels guilty and is trying rreally hard to be so nice maybe he thinks i will walk out

Bubblagirl, I understand how you feel..DP told me a couple of years ago at someone else's wedding that he didn't think he'd ever be into getting married. We were both pretty tipsy at the time so it became quite a drama (me assuming he was about to leave, which wasn't actually true) We haven't made a decision on a second DC yet, but I sometimes feel quite uncertain about the future... but I think me getting uptight has caused more problems than its solved which is partly why I'm doing this. To see if things happen naturally when we're just chilled out, being ourselves. I think part of it was that DP was not ready to become a father when he did, and is reluctant to change too much so he retains some sense of his youth and freedom.. maybe one day it will change. I'm rambling now, sorry. Anyway, I just want to be happy with myself, DP and DS and see what comes along after that...you never know!!

Should add, I succeeded in not getting tetchy when DP walked in last night, and we actually had a giggle. [proud of myself emoticon]

i'm really proud of you jrocks

well i've decided i'll take things one day at a time and not feel i need to plan future we are happy with ds and we are happier than we have been in a very long time so dont want to find another drama to ruin what we have just rediscovered

i phoned him today just to tell him how much i love him and also chicken or fish for dinner lol but did say i really do love you

i have done so well last few weeks and luckily we didnt row last night so nothing has been jynxed i'll just keep doing what i'm doing he seems more relaxed but i think he is trying too not aall problems have been down to me lol

JRocks - well done for last night.

Bubblagirl - that must be very painful to be so broody and for your partner to be against more DC. I can't say whether it's right for you to get married or have more children. All I can say is that he's more likely to listen to you if you don't make it sound as if he's being mean or unreasonable and if you stick to expressing how upset YOU feel about it.

Hi again ladies....just to let you know I am starting to get it! I think it makes sense that if we are kinder to our other halves (and ourselves) we might run along more smoothly. The hard part is in the detail though! I think Janni makes a good point for taking that little pause before launching in - its worked so far today for me, so thanks. Have now got a 3rd birthday party to host - usually a real flash point for me the being social and smiling bit! so I will keep doing the deep breaths...

GOOD LUCK WITH THE PARTY, Minkulus!

janni subject is off limits i dont mean to go on at him bhut only have to mention and he gets really defensive and mean talks down to me

but obviously i need to say how i feel its done he dont feel the same si i dont really know what to do

i try not to mention it but its been nearly 3 yrs since ds was born thougth maybe it was all because ds being born not wanting anymore just yet so tried mentioning a while back but he started having a go at me

his normal reaction is to just speak down to me totally belittle me

but last night he didnt but just saw how upset it makes me it s hard i dont g on at him but last night felt the need to say it was unfair that he lied to me from the start as i feel so cheated now

but still ive slept on it since then and will take things one day at a time and he is still so good in other ways he still deserves my respect just wish he'd respect me at times too and just be honest about his feelings

anyway he said he really love sme and was looking rather nervous so its obvious he loves me so big hugs and kisses tonight but nothing more

I'm so glad I've read this- to realise I'm not the only one struggling! I get really frustrtaed by my dh's forgetfulness and rubbish diy and disoderliness and at the moment that aspect is dominating my thoughts about him. I think about what I want him to do and what he does wrong a lot but I'm realising that makes me moody and mardy too. This has made me realise it can change if you do things differently. I know he's a good man.

welcome corriefan

its so funny to think how we think about them i would love them to start a thread so we can see what they really think about us

as it takes two they try there best i think but we have ideas how it should be done same as them with us but when we ease up on each other these wonderful people start emerging who enjoy each other again

apart from slight slip up last night he is still great not all the time can be as miserable as sin but i guess so can i

i'm making a nice roast chicken dinner am going to run him a nice bath and just relax together this evening and make up for it not being such a happy reunion yesterday

didnt help that i had a tummy bug or somiething up anyway

today feel so much better so will treat him nice he did dsay he owes me a pampering as he had to go away mothers day for work hope eveyone else is ok? x