Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband hasn’t come home!

698 replies

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 05:20

My husband went to play darts last night as he does every Wednesday. I’ve woken up at 4.30am and he isn’t home!!!
I’ve tried calling him and WhatsApping him- no answer and no reply. He hasn’t read my messages.
his darts team are his old work mates who I have no contact information for.
im worried sick. What do I do!? Do I call the police? Do I call hospitals !? Help, I feel sick

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 12:53

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 12:43

I presume you don't see the irony in your own post?

@artis1
No because kicking someone out of their own home is completely wrong unless you are breaking up for good.

If a woman was being kicked out of her own home posters would be losing their minds.

Not if she was a useless neglectful mother who went out and didn't come back all night and left her family worried.

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 12:54

DisquietintheRanks · 07/09/2023 12:39

@HowcanIhelp123 throwing your spouse out if the marital home because they've upset you is actually abusive behaviour. Can you imagine the howls of outrage if it was the other way round?

I'm my opinion going out and not coming back until the next morning without a text or call, and leaving them without the use of a car when they have work and school run to do is massively abusive.

Dracoceratosaurus · 07/09/2023 12:56

I would imagine that there has been a more detailed discussion at OP's end, and she was under zero obligation to share the details.
She started the thread because her husband was missing. He is no longer missing, and she is under no obligation to discuss the rest of it.
@Worried00 - hope you're doing ok.

isthismylifenow · 07/09/2023 12:57

What happened to support for the OP?

Which is why she posted.

Now every move she has made since has been nitpicked.

This place never ceases to amaze me on what people will argue about.

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 12:58

@WandaWonder grown adults go missing too.
Doesn't matter whether you're 13 or 33 you still have to inform those you live with if you're not coming home.
I still let my husband know I've arrived somewhere safely. If he's going to be late he lets me know. It's respectful to do this for the people you care about.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 12:59

Grovelling is literally apologising. What do you think it means then?

Not sure why you can't google yourself Sezzer.

Here you go tho - it's not apologising, admitting wrong & moving on. It's either being obsequious or overly abasing oneself - see below.

Husband hasn’t come home!
EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 12:59

Oh sorry Zadoc got there before me!

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 13:00

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:54

@ZadocPDederick

When someone insults me Im allowed to defend my opinions, especially when they've insulted me more then once.

Who insulted you? 🤔

I think you're the only person doing the insulting ...

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 13:01

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:57

@ZadocPDederick

And?..It's still a form of apology.
A quick "sorry love" isn't enough when you've blocked out your family for the night and pretended they didn't exist, knowing full well the worry and stress you'd cause to them.
He has a lot of making up to do, even if he is accepted back. This will probably take a good year or two for OP to be able to trust him again.
Grovelling is an appropriate form of apology in this situation in my personal opinion.

Grovelling is never appropriate in a healthy relationship.

Sincere apologies, discussion of what happened & an agreed way ahead - that makes sense & is appropriate. And that's not grovelling.

WandaWonder · 07/09/2023 13:05

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 12:58

@WandaWonder grown adults go missing too.
Doesn't matter whether you're 13 or 33 you still have to inform those you live with if you're not coming home.
I still let my husband know I've arrived somewhere safely. If he's going to be late he lets me know. It's respectful to do this for the people you care about.

We do do, but if we didn't we each would be ambitious annoyed, say something and move on, armageddon with a touch of world war three would not happen

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 13:06

@EarringsandLipstick

Jesus Christ some of you need to seriously get a life.
OPs husband is a useless turd and needs to be sorry for the worry he's put her through.

RedRedScab · 07/09/2023 13:07

So sorry your DH put you through this OP.

If this really is completely out of character, surely there's something going on that your DH needs to discuss? Did he do this intentionally as a (bad) way to start a conversation about some dire worry he has? Or unintentionally, because those worries got the better of him? My DP also doesn't drink so if he did something like this I'm fairly sure it'd mean he's having some kind of a crisis.

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 13:08

@EarringsandLipstick I can't actually believe you've bothered to Google it, save the picture and upload it to mumsnet. Wow 🤣

takemeupthealise · 07/09/2023 13:10

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 12:34

Unhinged to want to end a marriage because her husband went out, got pissed, disappeared overnight and left her and the kids without a car and no way to get to work and school?

Some people have very low standards.

Show quote history

If that were his one offence, then yes it would be unhinged to end a marriage over it. Marriages involve give and take, and sometimes people behave really, really badly. Would you really end your marriage and condemn your children to living through a divorce and the break-up of everything they know because of one selfish and stupid move?

If it's a pattern, then that's different - but the OP hasn't suggested that it's a regular occurrence or that her husband is generally a bellend.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 13:12

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 13:06

@EarringsandLipstick

Jesus Christ some of you need to seriously get a life.
OPs husband is a useless turd and needs to be sorry for the worry he's put her through.

And where did any of us say he shouldn't be sorry?

We have said the opposite. Why are you attacking everyone?

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 13:13

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 13:08

@EarringsandLipstick I can't actually believe you've bothered to Google it, save the picture and upload it to mumsnet. Wow 🤣

You asked me to explain it you 🤷🏻‍♀️

I thought the google definition might help you believe it sooner than mine.
*
Zadoc* also provided a definition.

There's no pleasing you!

Rosscameasdoody · 07/09/2023 13:20

Eileeneddover · 07/09/2023 10:26

You told him to pack his bags and leave just because he got drunk?

Harsh or what

However I agree with others it sounds VERY suspicious and I think he most likely cheated on you and is using getting drunk as a cover story.

Show quote history

Depends on what state he’s in today though surely ? If he’s taken a day’s sick leave he’s obviously hung over.

whynotwhatknot · 07/09/2023 13:23

i wouldnt be happy either-my dh disappeared until the morning once had a row sorted it out he never done it again

Squiblet · 07/09/2023 13:25

I honestly can't imagine being married to someone who would behave so callously

Seems more likely that the husband acted out of fear. In the past he has told his wife he doesn't drink, but maybe he's been having a sneaky few at darts night every now and again. Last night it got out of hand and at some point he realised he was pissed enough that she'd be able to tell he'd been drinking. "If I just stay out late enough, she'll be asleep when I come in and I'll get away with it...."

A few more drinks and he's too wasted to tap out a sober-looking text. He knows she'll rip him a new one no matter what, so he just buries his head in someone else's sofa and hopes it will all go away ....

This is pure speculation - but in my experience, people act more often out of fear, stress and weakness than they do from malignancy.

Coffeetree · 07/09/2023 13:26

What did I tell you about the cool wives? So now the OP is unhinged, abusive, and doesn't take her marriage vows seriously! Amazing.

But subjecting his wife and kids to unstable behaviour is just fine lol

It really gives you a glimpse into some people's lives.

diddl · 07/09/2023 13:27

I can understand why you're pissed off Op.

He had your car & he didn't contact you until gone 9!

I think I would have shown him the door as well.

Thoughtless twat.

Mikimoto · 07/09/2023 13:27

If this is the way OP reacts, I imagine DH will be packing his OWN bags!!

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/09/2023 13:29

DisquietintheRanks · 07/09/2023 12:39

@HowcanIhelp123 throwing your spouse out if the marital home because they've upset you is actually abusive behaviour. Can you imagine the howls of outrage if it was the other way round?

I personally think it depends on the circumstance.

He's fucked up big time, OP is very rightly very upset and he's probably very hung over. They can't have a productive conversation right now. If he's moping about, sleeping all day, moaning, asking for aspirin etc - quite honestly the sight of him feeling sorry for himself would just enrage me even further if I was OP. What you're going to have is unproductive bickering, arguing, frosty atmosphere, potentially things being said in heat of the moment. And within a couple of hours there's going to be young kids added to that mix. That is also arguably an abusive environment.

By him leaving it gives OP a chance to calm down, the dickhead to sober up and think about what he did, and the kids are not exposed to the parents disagreement. It can very well make a quicker and calmer resolution more likely because they just need to deal with main event rather than also stewing about the bickering, arguing, and things said in the heat of the moment afterwards. It's a much better environment for the kids, and there is much less hostility.

Coffeetree · 07/09/2023 13:35

Mikimoto · 07/09/2023 13:27

If this is the way OP reacts, I imagine DH will be packing his OWN bags!!

What? Who else is going to pack his bags?

I know what you mean, it just made me laugh.

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 13:36

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 12:53

Not if she was a useless neglectful mother who went out and didn't come back all night and left her family worried.

Show quote history

But my home is my safe space.

If my DH kicked me out then I would feel my home isn’t my safe space and it’s not truly my home, it’s just his and he can kick me out if I do something that he doesn’t agree with.

So I would chose to not a share a home with him.

What OPs DH did was idiotic and I would be fuming but it doesn’t warrant kicking him out unless there is a back story.

She needs to take some time, calm down and then decide whether she wants to kick him out and potentially end the the relationship for good.