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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband hasn’t come home!

698 replies

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 05:20

My husband went to play darts last night as he does every Wednesday. I’ve woken up at 4.30am and he isn’t home!!!
I’ve tried calling him and WhatsApping him- no answer and no reply. He hasn’t read my messages.
his darts team are his old work mates who I have no contact information for.
im worried sick. What do I do!? Do I call the police? Do I call hospitals !? Help, I feel sick

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Vinrouge4 · 07/09/2023 11:43

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 10:18

He is home.
I drove his car to drop the kids to school, I didn’t go to work.

i called his brother and his friends, none of them knew where he was.
he called me at 9am to say he had got drunk and fallen asleep on the sofa.

he has called in sick to work.

although I am relieved he is is okay, I am absolutely fuming!!!! I’ve told him to pack a bag and leave

On who’s sofa?

Blackbird2020 · 07/09/2023 11:43

Surely it’s not OP’s risk to take regarding driving uninsured. If she caused an accident that resulted in life long disablement to another road user, and that road user wasn’t fully comp, then it would be very difficult (maybe impossible) for the injured person to be able to get the financial support they might need for the rest of their life.

OP literally won’t have the money, meaning it would be pointless to take her to court for it, and the injured person’s insurance might only be 3rd party. Seems unnecessarily reckless with other people’s lives, just to get 2 kids to school, hardly an emergency in the real sense of the word.

Shapemyeyebrows · 07/09/2023 11:44

@Worried00 It’s such a classic line when they have been with another woman to tell the partner they “fell asleep on the sofa” Don’t believe that for a second. Oldest line in the book.

Clueless21 · 07/09/2023 11:46

argh OP i am full of frustration and anger for you. what a tool.

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/09/2023 11:46

It's not really surprising that OP doesn't want him moping round the house with a hangover after he's stayed out all night and not found one single second in 9 hours or more to let her know that he's okay, and ignored her own calls and messages while she checks he's not been in accident or arrested, then he's called in sick to work, caused her to call in sick to work, and taken with him the only form of legal transportation she has to get the kids to school. And on top of that he might have driven drunk. No shit she might have been angry enough to ask him to stay away for a bit.

Catsarego · 07/09/2023 11:50

Kicking him out is a bit OTT. Just ignore him. We all do stupid things. I’m sure the hangover today in the heat will be punishment enough.

AdamRyan · 07/09/2023 11:56

ReliantRobyn · 07/09/2023 11:17

OP has driven uninsured which is the worst part of this sorry, sorry saga. Give your head a wobble OP.

OP may have driven uninsured, we don't know
And is that worse than her husband not contacting her, leaving her in bits about whether he was ok or not, leaving her with no transport and kids to get to school. I don't think so.

The "worst part" of this is a man who is so disrespectful to his wife he put her in this position. There is no excuse for it.

CharlotteBog · 07/09/2023 11:57

If it's her husband's house too, she can't just kick him out.

AdamRyan · 07/09/2023 11:59

op I'm 100% with you in asking him to go elsewhere temporarily. You are right to have boundaries and he needs to understand this was completely unacceptable.

Those who are saying OP is unreasonable - what would you suggest she does to stop him doing this in future, given he has totally disregarded her on this occasion?

BoredZelda · 07/09/2023 12:00

And is that worse than her husband not contacting her, leaving her in bits about whether he was ok or not, leaving her with no transport and kids to get to school. I don't think so.

Well, it's illegal to drive uninsured. So yeah, I'd say it's worse.

mushroomushroom · 07/09/2023 12:00

Pootle40 · 07/09/2023 11:42

Lol at the people thinking the issue is insurance through all this. Love to see them in an emergency !

Lol I know right? They're acting as though she'll have automatically forgotten how to drive for those fifteen minutes, or that the car will somehow know and start running over pedestrians by itself.

SiobhanSharpe · 07/09/2023 12:00

If you have car insurance it's easy and fast to get temporary insurance to drive an additional car -- you phone your own insurer and give them the car details, add it to your policy for 24 hours or whatever, pay a small fee, and you're done. 10-15 minutes tops.
Have done it many times for DS and friend(s) who were borrowing our car.

Abouttimemum · 07/09/2023 12:01

ReliantRobyn · 07/09/2023 11:17

OP has driven uninsured which is the worst part of this sorry, sorry saga. Give your head a wobble OP.

‘Worst part’? Fucking hell. Some low standards on this thread.

AdamRyan · 07/09/2023 12:02

BoredZelda · 07/09/2023 12:00

And is that worse than her husband not contacting her, leaving her in bits about whether he was ok or not, leaving her with no transport and kids to get to school. I don't think so.

Well, it's illegal to drive uninsured. So yeah, I'd say it's worse.

Oh goody, another example where shit male behaviour is discounted as "not illegal"

Do you ever drive over the speed limit? Is that worse than a husband terrifying his wife and children through thoughtless behaviour?

What about parking on double yellows?

VisionsOfSplendour · 07/09/2023 12:05

If he doesn't drink I'd be asking why strange change in behaviour, is there something going on in his life you don't know about?

By the sofa do you mean in the pub?

mushroomushroom · 07/09/2023 12:05

@AdamRyan anyone who goes even two miles over the speed limit should be jailed for a month. Parking on double yellow lines? Jail for a year. Driving fifteen minutes uninsured? Life, no parole.

VisionsOfSplendour · 07/09/2023 12:07

SiobhanSharpe · 07/09/2023 12:00

If you have car insurance it's easy and fast to get temporary insurance to drive an additional car -- you phone your own insurer and give them the car details, add it to your policy for 24 hours or whatever, pay a small fee, and you're done. 10-15 minutes tops.
Have done it many times for DS and friend(s) who were borrowing our car.

Easy in a calm situation, not quite the same when in this situation pre working hours sorting out children while worrying about a lost partner

WandaWonder · 07/09/2023 12:07

Pootle40 · 07/09/2023 11:42

Lol at the people thinking the issue is insurance through all this. Love to see them in an emergency !

What emergency? A grown adult did not come home overnight

GianinaC · 07/09/2023 12:07

I'm so pleased he is home. I know that worry, I had to deal with it a lot when my husband was drinking.

Also on the night my mother died je vanished.

It's the complete lack of respect and the fact he feels its fine to get that drunk he can't call or get home.

My hubby has not drunk since I gave him an ultimatum that night.

If you can't handle drinking then you shouldn't be in a relationship or be responsible for children.

Your case might be different as you said it doesn't usually happen.

But I hope it's a red flag. Nobody should have to put up with that and as adults we should our limits with alcohol.

ManateeFair · 07/09/2023 12:09

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 10:18

He is home.
I drove his car to drop the kids to school, I didn’t go to work.

i called his brother and his friends, none of them knew where he was.
he called me at 9am to say he had got drunk and fallen asleep on the sofa.

he has called in sick to work.

although I am relieved he is is okay, I am absolutely fuming!!!! I’ve told him to pack a bag and leave

You've ended your marriage over this one incident? Really?

Is there a massive drip-feed coming or something?

OhComeOnFFS · 07/09/2023 12:10

I imagine the reason he's kicked out is because she had checked with the "sofa friend" and knew he wasn't there.

supersop60 · 07/09/2023 12:11

TastingSinister · 07/09/2023 11:31

"i am meant to be leaving in half an hour to get the kids to school and go to work but he has my car! I’m not insured on his"

Yes she did.

Show quote history

Apologies.

Thebigblueballoon · 07/09/2023 12:12

My other half did something similar years ago when he went to a poker night. Communication totally stopped fairly early in the night and I was worried sick. He’d gotten carried away, had way too much whisky and passed out on the sofa. To be fair, I knew he was drinking, but I was worried sick when he didn’t come home and absolutely furious when he stumbled through the door the next day.
The next couple of days were highly unpleasant for him, but it was very out of character. If you can get to the bottom of whose sofa he slept on and why he decided to drink, I’d forgive him this time.
Don’t really get why you didn’t taxi the kids to school or call a friend/family member, but can see why you panicked and weren’t thinking straight.

Greyfoot · 07/09/2023 12:12

I understand you being furious and upset, but I think asking him to leave is an (understandable) knee jerk, unless there's a lot more information?

Isn't the first issue whether he's OK, if this is so out of character I.e. what led to it?

Dery · 07/09/2023 12:13

I agree with @Greyfoot . Asking him to leave seems excessive. I wouldn’t expect to be kicked out of my own home for sth like this but perhaps there’s a backstory which explains it.