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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband hasn’t come home!

698 replies

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 05:20

My husband went to play darts last night as he does every Wednesday. I’ve woken up at 4.30am and he isn’t home!!!
I’ve tried calling him and WhatsApping him- no answer and no reply. He hasn’t read my messages.
his darts team are his old work mates who I have no contact information for.
im worried sick. What do I do!? Do I call the police? Do I call hospitals !? Help, I feel sick

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
ReliantRobyn · 07/09/2023 10:54

Thought he didn't drink ?

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:54

@ZadocPDederick

When someone insults me Im allowed to defend my opinions, especially when they've insulted me more then once.

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 10:57

The shocking bit for me is that OP drove her children in her husband's uninsured car this morning with no thought to others on the road npt the kids despite many people saying third party insurance isn't a given.

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:57

@ZadocPDederick

And?..It's still a form of apology.
A quick "sorry love" isn't enough when you've blocked out your family for the night and pretended they didn't exist, knowing full well the worry and stress you'd cause to them.
He has a lot of making up to do, even if he is accepted back. This will probably take a good year or two for OP to be able to trust him again.
Grovelling is an appropriate form of apology in this situation in my personal opinion.

MsFrog · 07/09/2023 10:57

VQ1970 · 07/09/2023 10:38

I'm not surprised you're angry with him and I suspect there might be more to this than you've said in your last post. However, you were silly to drive the kids to school using his car when you said you weren't insured for it.

I hope you get the resolution you are looking for but please don't do something like that again, it can have awful consequences.

The OP knows the potential consequences and made her own risk assessment and judgement of what she wanted to do. She doesn't need people sticking the boot in and telling her she was naughty and shouldn't do it again, with all this going on.

5128gap · 07/09/2023 10:57

Well you don't go from intending to drive home for midnight to passed out on someone's sofa without opportunities to advise your partner of the change of plan along the way.
Like when you decide to have the drink that will take you over the limit to drive.
And the time you start to feel like you've had one too many.
And the time you agree to go elsewhere to prolong your drinking (it's hard to imagine a last drink at 1130 causing a complete black out until 9 the ,next day)
The fact he took none of these opportunities suggests one of three things:
He is a problem drinker who loses the run of himself after a couple, hence he normally doesn't drink at all.
OP disapproves of him drinking, maybe due to above, and he didn't want to have a difficult conversation.
His story is a lie and a cover for cheating.
If I were you OP, and I could rule out possibilities one and two, then I'd want to establish if three was the case rather than just asking him to leave.

ZadocPDederick · 07/09/2023 10:57

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:54

@ZadocPDederick

When someone insults me Im allowed to defend my opinions, especially when they've insulted me more then once.

Who insulted you? Having a different view from you about the appropriate response to his is hardly insulting.

GlobetrottingPercy · 07/09/2023 10:58

There are some crazy responses on this thread and I think sometimes people forget that this is a real person with a life, children, house etc that will all be upended if she casually followed some of this advice.

If this is an otherwise loving home and it is completely out of character for her DH to do this, you would really all throw him out without even speaking to him to see why this had happened and if there was something else going on? Doesn’t say much for your marriage vows if you aren’t even willing to have a conversation after a one off incident. Yes he needs to apologise but throwing him out without any discussion is a bit premature. If OP isn’t satisfied with the answers after that, or if it turns out that he has cheated, then by all means, take what action is necessary and you should never put up with that.

And no, this doesn’t make me a ‘cool wife’, it’s just pointing out that it would be a sorry state of affairs if your OH threw you out when you were going through a hard time and didn’t care to ask you about them.

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:59

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 10:57

The shocking bit for me is that OP drove her children in her husband's uninsured car this morning with no thought to others on the road npt the kids despite many people saying third party insurance isn't a given.

It doesn't make her more likely to crash the car just because it doesn't have insurance in her name.
If anything would have happened she'd be having to pay any charges out of pocket and face the legal consequences but that was down to her and doesn't effect anyone else on the road.

oiltrader · 07/09/2023 11:00

PickledPurplePickle · 07/09/2023 05:22

What time would he normally be home?

Do you have any way of tracing his phone?

Surely an invasion of privacy? x

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 07/09/2023 11:01

I find it a little "convenient" that the DH went awol safe in the knowledge that OP didn't have the means to drive to his location to check he was ok.

As for OP telling him to pack a bag and leave, nowhere does she say it's permanent, she could just want some space and who could blame her?

BodegaSushi · 07/09/2023 11:02

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 10:18

He is home.
I drove his car to drop the kids to school, I didn’t go to work.

i called his brother and his friends, none of them knew where he was.
he called me at 9am to say he had got drunk and fallen asleep on the sofa.

he has called in sick to work.

although I am relieved he is is okay, I am absolutely fuming!!!! I’ve told him to pack a bag and leave

...forever?

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 11:02

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 07/09/2023 11:01

I find it a little "convenient" that the DH went awol safe in the knowledge that OP didn't have the means to drive to his location to check he was ok.

As for OP telling him to pack a bag and leave, nowhere does she say it's permanent, she could just want some space and who could blame her?

Very true re the car

Dolores87 · 07/09/2023 11:02

I don't get all the don't kick him out comments.

If she's as angry as I would be if this happened him going to stay else where for a couple of days so everyone can calm down and then talk rationally about it is far better then having a screaming argument with kids in the house.

He wasn't just pissed up. He got pissed knowing he was driving so knowing that would mean he had to stay else where. He failed to message her. It meant she couldn't go to work.

I mean yeah if it's a one off not worth ending a marriage over but some space is definitely fair enough.

crochetmonkey74 · 07/09/2023 11:02

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 10:57

The shocking bit for me is that OP drove her children in her husband's uninsured car this morning with no thought to others on the road npt the kids despite many people saying third party insurance isn't a given.

Ah the classic MN find a reason why the woman is to blame

Pootle40 · 07/09/2023 11:04

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 10:57

The shocking bit for me is that OP drove her children in her husband's uninsured car this morning with no thought to others on the road npt the kids despite many people saying third party insurance isn't a given.

Dear lord, have a word.

Hazel444 · 07/09/2023 11:05

If this is a one off, it seems a bit extreme to throw him out of his own home. I would be mad too, but is this really worth ending your marriage over in the grand scheme of things? Unless you think he was actually with another woman last night?

BubziOwl · 07/09/2023 11:06

5128gap · 07/09/2023 10:57

Well you don't go from intending to drive home for midnight to passed out on someone's sofa without opportunities to advise your partner of the change of plan along the way.
Like when you decide to have the drink that will take you over the limit to drive.
And the time you start to feel like you've had one too many.
And the time you agree to go elsewhere to prolong your drinking (it's hard to imagine a last drink at 1130 causing a complete black out until 9 the ,next day)
The fact he took none of these opportunities suggests one of three things:
He is a problem drinker who loses the run of himself after a couple, hence he normally doesn't drink at all.
OP disapproves of him drinking, maybe due to above, and he didn't want to have a difficult conversation.
His story is a lie and a cover for cheating.
If I were you OP, and I could rule out possibilities one and two, then I'd want to establish if three was the case rather than just asking him to leave.

I agree with this tbh

JoanOfAllTrades · 07/09/2023 11:06

GlobetrottingPercy · 07/09/2023 10:58

There are some crazy responses on this thread and I think sometimes people forget that this is a real person with a life, children, house etc that will all be upended if she casually followed some of this advice.

If this is an otherwise loving home and it is completely out of character for her DH to do this, you would really all throw him out without even speaking to him to see why this had happened and if there was something else going on? Doesn’t say much for your marriage vows if you aren’t even willing to have a conversation after a one off incident. Yes he needs to apologise but throwing him out without any discussion is a bit premature. If OP isn’t satisfied with the answers after that, or if it turns out that he has cheated, then by all means, take what action is necessary and you should never put up with that.

And no, this doesn’t make me a ‘cool wife’, it’s just pointing out that it would be a sorry state of affairs if your OH threw you out when you were going through a hard time and didn’t care to ask you about them.

I should think there’s something more going on here that OP is perhaps keeping to herself.

I wonder if she perhaps rang the old workplace and spoke to the other members of this darts team and they inadvertently let it slip that he wasn’t at darts last night?

Or maybe as other PP have mentioned, the husband has/had a drink problem and falling off that wagon was too much for her.

Or perhaps it’s just plain anger!

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 11:06

Pootle40 · 07/09/2023 11:04

Dear lord, have a word.

Show quote history

?!?!? I don't get this comment

I really don't think there was any excuse to drive uninsured. Why blaspheme?

Mumof4plusbonus · 07/09/2023 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

This is how I look at it too. Other people are seeing it as it isn’t regular so what’s the issue. But he went out with the car, he was driving with I assume no intention of drinking. So it can’t be he got drunk before he realised and lost control of himself. Even if he planned to have one and drive. So at some point he’s decided to do this, on a work night, with no communication. The fact it’s unusual means of course op is going to panic.

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 11:07

crochetmonkey74 · 07/09/2023 11:02

Ah the classic MN find a reason why the woman is to blame

Show quote history

Not at all, I was VERY sympathetic towards OP regarding the husband situation. No woman bashing from me, I don't think men should drive uninsured either.

user1483387154 · 07/09/2023 11:09

I totally agree with you, even if this circumstance she should not have driven uninsured.

WandaWonder · 07/09/2023 11:10

crochetmonkey74 · 07/09/2023 11:02

Ah the classic MN find a reason why the woman is to blame

Show quote history

The husband did not force her to drive the car, she has to own that one

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/09/2023 11:10

The thing is he didn't just go on a night out, get carried away and end up on a friends sofa. OP didn't worry or wait up for him, just realised when she woke up he still wasn't home. There are several extra factors at play here:

  1. He doesn't drink at these events normally so OP had no reason to think it likely. Of course thats going to lead to more worry.
  2. He took her car and decided to drink knowing she isn't insured on his car and needed that car to get his young kids to school and her to get to work today. He knew he needed to drive that car back and decided sober to drink anyway. Irregardless he was not getting that car home and he made that decision sober. That isn't already had a few drinks and got carried away. He should have texted or called OP before having a drink regarding the car.
  3. He has now had to call into work sick today, as has OP. Depending on their work policy they may get a reduction in pay as a result.

OP has every right to be pissed. He has responsibilities and he disregarded them without so much as a phone call or a text and his decision to do that was made sober.

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