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Original poster

Husband hasn’t come home!

698 replies

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 05:20

My husband went to play darts last night as he does every Wednesday. I’ve woken up at 4.30am and he isn’t home!!!
I’ve tried calling him and WhatsApping him- no answer and no reply. He hasn’t read my messages.
his darts team are his old work mates who I have no contact information for.
im worried sick. What do I do!? Do I call the police? Do I call hospitals !? Help, I feel sick

OP posts:
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5
GarlicGrace · 07/09/2023 10:26

I wonder if the reason he doesn't drink (supposedly) is a previous alcohol problem? That could explain the lack of contact - thought he was only having one drink, had more & lost the plot - and OP's fury.

I hope not. It's bad enough already.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:27

@marblesthecat

Oh I get it. My ex did this occasionally too (but very different circumstances to OP's so not comparable).

Going nuts at him, yes. Not speaking for a few days. But telling him to leave his own house is a disproportionate reaction.

IncognitoMam · 07/09/2023 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

I know

Bornin1989 · 07/09/2023 10:27

I'm guessing she's asked him to leave so she can have time to cool down and approach it more rationally rather than ending up in a blazing row over it - I don't think she's ended the marriage over it. Sounds v. sensible!

Saturdaygirl01 · 07/09/2023 10:27

Where was he? Who was he with? Whose sofa was he on? Why did his brother not know where he was? Why was he drinking when he doesn’t drink? Why didn’t he let you know? Why didn’t he get the car back to you when he knows you needed to get the kids to school?

It’s not on is it?!

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:28

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:25

He has been an utter arse.

But kicking him out? It's his house, too.

Surely OP plans to at least talk to him before throwing him out.

As for 'make him grovel' comments - nonsensical. The OP needs to let him know how distressed she's been, how selfish & unacceptable his behaviour is, and he needs to address this. Grovelling isn't part of it.

So if OP as a wife and mother just randomly decided to go off radar and not come home, despite needing to get kids to school, you'd be okay with that?
Why the sympathy for such a useless neglectful person just cause he's a man??

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 10:28

I’m glad he’s safe and well.

I would be furious too but I wouldn’t end my relationship and kick him out over it.

I would just take some time before making any life changing decisions.

Yes he was very drunk and did the right thing by staying at a friends but unless he lost his phone or it died then there was no reason he couldn’t send you a quick text to let you know.
Even a “staying out” would have been better than nothing.

weirdoboelady · 07/09/2023 10:30

Oldsu · 07/09/2023 10:25

Talk to him and tell him how upset you are but unless there is another problem telling to pack his bag and leave due to one stupid mistake which I doubt he will repeat is a bit drastic are you really going to throw away your marriage over this?

Edited

This. But it's absolutely normal and understandable to be incandescent at the moment. Just remember that this too will pass - your marriage is worth saving unless there's a whole lot of previous shit and you were already thinking of ending it. Hopefully telling him to leave will make him realise what a total arse he has been, and lead to grovelling and reform! DH, let this be the one thing that makes you realise that you are now a grownup with responsibilities to your DW and your DC........ (No-one is even saying you can't go out and get wasted on rare occasions, but driving DW mad with worry and making her miss work is way, way beyond the pale).

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:30

And you're questioning why she's asked him to leave??

Yes I am.

This was one incident. Horrific and terrible for OP, selfish of her H.

Being furious & requiring an explanation, apology and making amends - all normal.

Telling him to leave (his own home) as a result of one incident is nonsensical.

As an aside - she knew presumably he took her car? And why on earth would family & friends know where he was?

The bigger concern for me would be how it came about that he drank to such excess that he couldn't come home, when he usually doesn't drink. I'd be drilling down into that to get the fuller story.

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:30

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:25

He has been an utter arse.

But kicking him out? It's his house, too.

Surely OP plans to at least talk to him before throwing him out.

As for 'make him grovel' comments - nonsensical. The OP needs to let him know how distressed she's been, how selfish & unacceptable his behaviour is, and he needs to address this. Grovelling isn't part of it.

Personally if I decided to go out on a Wednesday night and didn't come home to take care of my children, I'd be grovelling to all my family to forgive me for being so neglectful and stupid.
Maybe you have low standards and no manners but in my world this just isn't acceptable.

Growlybear83 · 07/09/2023 10:30

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:27

@marblesthecat

Oh I get it. My ex did this occasionally too (but very different circumstances to OP's so not comparable).

Going nuts at him, yes. Not speaking for a few days. But telling him to leave his own house is a disproportionate reaction.

I completely agree. I'm very glad to hear he's home safely but kicking him out is such an over reaction. That's not to make light of the horrendous worry he caused you, or to suggest that you shouldn't be furious with him, but how can you end a marriage for one (albeit major) incident of him getting pissed and crashing out on a friends sofa?

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:31

I think he most likely cheated on you and is using getting drunk as a cover story.

It's certainly highly likely there's more to his story than he's said. However, there's no need to state this so baldly to OP who is presumably very upset.

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:32

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:30

And you're questioning why she's asked him to leave??

Yes I am.

This was one incident. Horrific and terrible for OP, selfish of her H.

Being furious & requiring an explanation, apology and making amends - all normal.

Telling him to leave (his own home) as a result of one incident is nonsensical.

As an aside - she knew presumably he took her car? And why on earth would family & friends know where he was?

The bigger concern for me would be how it came about that he drank to such excess that he couldn't come home, when he usually doesn't drink. I'd be drilling down into that to get the fuller story.

Taking time apart is probably for the best in this situation. As his friends and family didn't know where he was, he didn't call, he doesn't usually drink, it's unlikely she's got the full story yet. I wouldn't want my husband in the house either. Healthier for the children that their parents are apart so they don't argue.

Topee · 07/09/2023 10:32

What did he do with your car? If he was drunk to the point of being incapable of sending a text or sneering a phone then presumably he wasn’t fit to drive home this morning.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 07/09/2023 10:33

Don't kick him out. Too extreme for a being pissed up for the night. Leave him there for the day to stew in his own shame and hear his full explanation later. Then decide what to do.

Be calm and collected. It will make him feel worse!

ZadocPDederick · 07/09/2023 10:34

although I am relieved he is is okay, I am absolutely fuming!!!! I’ve told him to pack a bag and leave

Sounds a bit extreme for a one-off, unless there is more of a back story to this.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:34

you'd be okay with that?

Oh exercise some reading ability. Where did I say I was ok with what her H did? 🙄 (I said the opposite). And if OP did it, I'd think the same - why wouldn't I? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why the sympathy for such a useless neglectful person just cause he's a man??

Show me where a) I've demonstrated any sympathy for him and b) my responses are linked in any way to him being a man?

😐

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:34

Maybe you have low standards and no manners but in my world this just isn't acceptable.

Read my posts & stop being silly & insulting.

Eileeneddover · 07/09/2023 10:34

EarringsandLipstick · 07/09/2023 10:31

I think he most likely cheated on you and is using getting drunk as a cover story.

It's certainly highly likely there's more to his story than he's said. However, there's no need to state this so baldly to OP who is presumably very upset.

Yes my bad and I agree that that is what's most likely that happened here.

supersop60 · 07/09/2023 10:36

Eileeneddover · 07/09/2023 10:34

Yes my bad and I agree that that is what's most likely that happened here.

Show quote history

I definitely agree that there is more to it.

DisquietintheRanks · 07/09/2023 10:37

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 10:18

He is home.
I drove his car to drop the kids to school, I didn’t go to work.

i called his brother and his friends, none of them knew where he was.
he called me at 9am to say he had got drunk and fallen asleep on the sofa.

he has called in sick to work.

although I am relieved he is is okay, I am absolutely fuming!!!! I’ve told him to pack a bag and leave

Wow, OK.

NonMiDispiace · 07/09/2023 10:38

What a bloody selfish asshole, I’d be kicking him out too 🤬

VQ1970 · 07/09/2023 10:38

I'm not surprised you're angry with him and I suspect there might be more to this than you've said in your last post. However, you were silly to drive the kids to school using his car when you said you weren't insured for it.

I hope you get the resolution you are looking for but please don't do something like that again, it can have awful consequences.

WandaWonder · 07/09/2023 10:39

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 10:18

He is home.
I drove his car to drop the kids to school, I didn’t go to work.

i called his brother and his friends, none of them knew where he was.
he called me at 9am to say he had got drunk and fallen asleep on the sofa.

he has called in sick to work.

although I am relieved he is is okay, I am absolutely fuming!!!! I’ve told him to pack a bag and leave

A bit dramatic, sure he should have contacted you but you chose to get all worked up about, and no I don't care that others would have called the SAS no need for all the drama

SurprisedWithAHorse · 07/09/2023 10:39

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 10:18

He is home.
I drove his car to drop the kids to school, I didn’t go to work.

i called his brother and his friends, none of them knew where he was.
he called me at 9am to say he had got drunk and fallen asleep on the sofa.

he has called in sick to work.

although I am relieved he is is okay, I am absolutely fuming!!!! I’ve told him to pack a bag and leave

Did he mean he fell asleep on another sofa before coming home? Where has he actually been? If he was staggering around drunk all night and much of the morning, he's unlikely to have been alone.

I'm not suggesting he's cheating, I just don't understand where he's actually been. He didn't drive back, did he? Where's the car?