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Original poster

Now ex boyfriend and his female friend...

134 replies

Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 18:53

I feel I just need some clarification that I'm not overly left wing about a situation with my now ex bf and his female friend.

Female friend has been friends with ex dp for 20 years apparently however I have not seen any older pictures of them together (only pictures I have seen of them together are only 5 years old latest) and he has pictures all over his FB from his early 20s to his late 30s so that doesn't make sense also I have only heard stories of said female friend from approx 5 years ago...when questioned ex dp was very solid on the 20 years of friendship ex dp is 41....nothing major there just a weird thought that I had about the situation.

When me and ex dp got together he spoke of his female friend alot and was very complimentary towards her said she is very attractive very funny very much like him blah blah even went as far to say he thinks she has had a boob job because she used to make jokes about the lenght of her nipples (wtf) however she seems much more confident with her boobs now (at the time I thought this was a really weird thing to say but left it) anyway fast forward 7 months into our relationship and ex dp showed me a picture of female friend in a beautiful wedding sort of dress which she had sent him and I saw his response to her which said "you look gorgeous darling" basically speaking to her as he would to me....

I raised it with ex dp and explained its close to my boundarys the way he is speaking to her he didn't agree however he said he understand my point of view... in the meantime between all of this my ex dp would have hours long facetime calls with female friend but only when I was not with him...he would tell me afterwards "sorry been quiet been on facetime for few hours with female friend"...the next thing I see is ex dps Snapchat score increasing alot on Friday and Saturday nights ...turns out he only Snapchats female friend and I asked oh is she out and about? He said yes she sends him snaps all the time and he replies with "❤" to her pictures...again brought up boundaries and how it's not appropriate to send that to another women friend or not....he didn't understand again but took it. Again. At this point he didn't mention female friend as openly as he used too anymore..

Fast forward to the close of our relationship I questioned if he had heard from female friend or spoke to her as he hadn't mentioned her in a few months which was very unlike him as he brought her up often....he said yes spoke with her via msg a few weeks ago about her friends wedding...I said oh OK...left it at that but I just knew I was being lied too..... he left his phone unlocked and I went on it when he ran upstairs low and behold female friend and him did speak about a friends wedding which was fine however he failed to tell me that female friend had tried to facetime him the same night/next morning at 1am... when questioned why he didn't tell me about it he got very defensive and when i said I'm not putting up with this...you tell female friend its not ok to do this or we split up...he got up packed a bag and left.....

Was I unreasonable with my attitude towards his female friend? He hasn't actually seen her in the time we have been together as she lives elsewhere. We were together 15 months in total. What's your take on this? Sorry this is long

OP posts:
Beamur · 05/09/2023 18:55

Be glad he's your ex.
Don't give him any more headspace.

MMmomDD · 05/09/2023 19:32

All sounds very tedious and you seem to be over vigilant and verging on controlling. Being with someone like that isnt easy.
’The female friend’ isnt a threat. If he wanted to be with her - he would have already. His ‘friebdship with her may be annoying but its not a threat. They dont have a real life relationship anyway.

In addition:
Saying ‘darling’ or even ❤️or a Xxx - dont have to have deep meaning - many people use it. It doesnt need to be as big a deal as you made it.

Going through his phone and making an argument because the other person ‘attempted’ to facetime…. Is a bit pathetic. Making an ultimatum out of it is childish.

But - it is clear the two of you didnt work together - so its probably for the best.

LemonPeonies · 05/09/2023 19:37

Yeah, he's well rid of you. Men and women can be close friends without anything "going on" and people who try to police their partners in this way are insecure and controlling.

Opentooffers · 05/09/2023 19:41

A female friend who he finds 'very attractive' is all you need to know - that's not a platonic opinion. Whether he meets her or not, he's spending too much of his own headspace on her. You are better off out of it, it looks like he'd be in like Flynn if she'd have him - probably only reason it hasn't progressed.

MagratsDanglyCharms21 · 05/09/2023 19:43

You were a little controlling and jealous really. As said above, if he wanted to be with her, he would have been. He wasn't. He chose you. Try not to repeat the behaviour going forwards. I'm sure you are a lovely person, but this sort of behaviour just drives you crazy, and, as you've found, is a relationship killer. Good luck in the future.

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 19:44

Christ almighty you are very controlling. My best friend is male and we always end a text with a "love you " What would you think of that? It's always been platonic we've. Been friends for 20 years

I rarely speak to my friends in my husband's presence. Why would I? That's a private conversation. I wouldn't expect to be listening in to his private conversations with his friends either

You are better apart

Proudgypsy · 05/09/2023 19:47

Affairs come in all different shapes and sizes. This is one of them.

donquixotedelamancha · 05/09/2023 19:49

Yeah, he's well rid of you.

This. I couldn't be doing with this level of jealousy.

I've told friends they look gorgeous when done up and replied to photos with hearts. I'm 20 years happily married.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 19:56

Thank you for all your opinions and views.
However he can't actually be with her in a relationship as she lives in a different country to him and us hence the facetimes etc....

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 19:58

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 19:44

Christ almighty you are very controlling. My best friend is male and we always end a text with a "love you " What would you think of that? It's always been platonic we've. Been friends for 20 years

I rarely speak to my friends in my husband's presence. Why would I? That's a private conversation. I wouldn't expect to be listening in to his private conversations with his friends either

You are better apart

But if your male friend facetimed you in front of your husband or called you you'd answer right? Not ignore him and say "ill call him back later"?

OP posts:
Mumofmarauders · 05/09/2023 20:00

I've told plenty of female friends that they look gorgeous and our hearts in their photos. But I wouldn't do that to a male friend (I'm female) unless it also had their kids or partner in it (or a cute animal!) It's interesting that people think you were overly jealous and controlling- you were more chill than I think I would be!

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 20:00

Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 19:58

But if your male friend facetimed you in front of your husband or called you you'd answer right? Not ignore him and say "ill call him back later"?

Show quote history

Not necessarily no! I would usually facetime or call when i can have a private chat . You do seem really controlling

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 05/09/2023 20:01

From what I've read you clearly explained your boundaries, he got a kick out of making you jealous. He's 41 and face timing and snap chatting every Friday and Saturday night? What would they talk about for so long? When she's out presumably drinking?why does she need validation of her outfits from him?

Apart from looking at his phone, which I can understand why you did it but is wrong, I would not say you are controlling, you have self respect and are not allowing him to have this hanger on uncomfortably close female relationship, he talks about her breasts? Would he be with her if she was interested?

If other women here are OK with their other halves having late night phone calls with girls and giving feedback on their outfits that's up to them. But don't criticise and belittle OP calling her controlling for asserting her boundaries frequently, and following through on them.

Good for you OP, don't waste any more time on him.

CapEBarra · 05/09/2023 20:01

How on earth can you be giving this so much brain space? You sound obsessed. TBH I think you’re both better out of the relationship.

InSpainTheRain · 05/09/2023 20:18

I don’t know - but he is your ex so stop over thinking!

GreyCarpet · 05/09/2023 20:23

He did understand what you were saying to him. He just chose to pretend he didn't.

5128gap · 05/09/2023 20:33

Its not unreasonable to want your relationship to look a certain way. You didn't want a relationship with a man who behaved this way with another woman, and that's perfectly fine.
It really doesn't matter if other women would be ok with it. You didn't like it and it spoiled your happiness and security in the relationship. You were honest and told him that clearly and that you wanted it to stop. He had the choice then to be equally honest and tell you no, but instead he chose to lie.
You did nothing wrong here.

Happierlife7 · 05/09/2023 20:36

The naivety/ “look how cool I am”, of women on here stating you are controlling and his friendship with her was just fine. Shows a real lack of understanding of the male mind. Men in general do not pour into a female like this unless there is more than a platonic interest, it’s just a fact. And he seemed to be very interested in touching base the way a man does when he’s really into someone. As for the hours long phonecalls and endearments, really? This was an emotional affair at the very least. Some of you may be more than happy to share your man’s energy in this way, but I wouldn’t be, and most women wouldn’t. There’s a difference between friendships with boundaries and practically dating someone while being in denial about it. The fact he left you over it speaks volumes. I’m inclined to agree with another poster here that if she was romantically interested he’d jump at the chance, but she just sounds like someone who really likes male attention. It could be that they are both interested in each other and just haven’t managed to fully vocalised it yet in their tight knit many hours of text and calls relationship.

Happierlife7 · 05/09/2023 20:41

Also seen they live in other countries. No doubt when they finally get together it will be all “it was always you”, “you’re the love of my life”

seriously are women on her stupid about how affairs start, and the way men invest in women? This guy was so distressed about his emotional affair potentially being interrupted that he left the OP. It would suck to be with a man like this, any women that would be cool with that talking about their own emotional affairs and investments in members of the opposite sex, that’s good for you. Certain types belong together.

5128gap · 05/09/2023 20:44

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 19:44

Christ almighty you are very controlling. My best friend is male and we always end a text with a "love you " What would you think of that? It's always been platonic we've. Been friends for 20 years

I rarely speak to my friends in my husband's presence. Why would I? That's a private conversation. I wouldn't expect to be listening in to his private conversations with his friends either

You are better apart

You do understand that 'Controlling' isn't another word for objecting to behaviour you'd be fine with?
Controlling refers to the means people use to get others to comply with their wishes, not the wish itself. So withholding of resources or affection, sulking, punishments and so on to get what you want.
A straightforward request for a person to stop something, which they are perfectly free to refuse, is not controlling.
Its a great shame when women believe they can have no say in their relationships because of the misuse of the term.

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 20:46

5128gap · 05/09/2023 20:44

You do understand that 'Controlling' isn't another word for objecting to behaviour you'd be fine with?
Controlling refers to the means people use to get others to comply with their wishes, not the wish itself. So withholding of resources or affection, sulking, punishments and so on to get what you want.
A straightforward request for a person to stop something, which they are perfectly free to refuse, is not controlling.
Its a great shame when women believe they can have no say in their relationships because of the misuse of the term.

Show quote history

So looking through someone's phone, questioning their every move isn't controlling? Would you still say that if it was the man doing this to a woman?

FiddleLeaf · 05/09/2023 20:47

It’s controlling not left wing.

But… your gut told you to be suspicious of their relationship. Trust it next time and take notice of the red flags.

Shake it off, move on

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/09/2023 20:49

Littlemisslonley · 05/09/2023 19:58

But if your male friend facetimed you in front of your husband or called you you'd answer right? Not ignore him and say "ill call him back later"?

Show quote history

I wouldn't answer in front of DH because it would be disruptive. I'd go into another room. I do this with male and female friends.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/09/2023 20:50

Happierlife7 · 05/09/2023 20:36

The naivety/ “look how cool I am”, of women on here stating you are controlling and his friendship with her was just fine. Shows a real lack of understanding of the male mind. Men in general do not pour into a female like this unless there is more than a platonic interest, it’s just a fact. And he seemed to be very interested in touching base the way a man does when he’s really into someone. As for the hours long phonecalls and endearments, really? This was an emotional affair at the very least. Some of you may be more than happy to share your man’s energy in this way, but I wouldn’t be, and most women wouldn’t. There’s a difference between friendships with boundaries and practically dating someone while being in denial about it. The fact he left you over it speaks volumes. I’m inclined to agree with another poster here that if she was romantically interested he’d jump at the chance, but she just sounds like someone who really likes male attention. It could be that they are both interested in each other and just haven’t managed to fully vocalised it yet in their tight knit many hours of text and calls relationship.

Ah yes, the "cool wives" stick ready to beat all women who don't agree with you.

ZebraD · 05/09/2023 20:56

I have a male BF (I am female) and we have been friends for 30 years. We do not have loads of photos together. We do not see each other regular anymore. We do talk almost daily. He rings and says, I just thought I would ring my beautiful friend. If I look nice for an event he will tell me so. He takes the piss out of my boobs because I am getting old and he says they are saggy and I tuck them into my belt. It’s jokes and banter. It’s silliness. It’s friendship. And nothing more.
we both get extremely offended if anyone suggests it is anything more than this. His partner says we are like siblings and we are. If he hides anything from you, it’s because you have an issue with their friendship not because there is anything going on! You called an ultimatum and you lost. More fool you.