Now ex boyfriend and his female friend...

[Littlemisslonley]

I feel I just need some clarification that I'm not overly left wing about a situation with my now ex bf and his female friend.

Female friend has been friends with ex dp for 20 years apparently however I have not seen any older pictures of them together (only pictures I have seen of them together are only 5 years old latest) and he has pictures all over his FB from his early 20s to his late 30s so that doesn't make sense also I have only heard stories of said female friend from approx 5 years ago...when questioned ex dp was very solid on the 20 years of friendship ex dp is 41....nothing major there just a weird thought that I had about the situation.

When me and ex dp got together he spoke of his female friend alot and was very complimentary towards her said she is very attractive very funny very much like him blah blah even went as far to say he thinks she has had a boob job because she used to make jokes about the lenght of her nipples (wtf) however she seems much more confident with her boobs now (at the time I thought this was a really weird thing to say but left it) anyway fast forward 7 months into our relationship and ex dp showed me a picture of female friend in a beautiful wedding sort of dress which she had sent him and I saw his response to her which said "you look gorgeous darling" basically speaking to her as he would to me....

I raised it with ex dp and explained its close to my boundarys the way he is speaking to her he didn't agree however he said he understand my point of view... in the meantime between all of this my ex dp would have hours long facetime calls with female friend but only when I was not with him...he would tell me afterwards "sorry been quiet been on facetime for few hours with female friend"...the next thing I see is ex dps Snapchat score increasing alot on Friday and Saturday nights ...turns out he only Snapchats female friend and I asked oh is she out and about? He said yes she sends him snaps all the time and he replies with "❤" to her pictures...again brought up boundaries and how it's not appropriate to send that to another women friend or not....he didn't understand again but took it. Again. At this point he didn't mention female friend as openly as he used too anymore..

Fast forward to the close of our relationship I questioned if he had heard from female friend or spoke to her as he hadn't mentioned her in a few months which was very unlike him as he brought her up often....he said yes spoke with her via msg a few weeks ago about her friends wedding...I said oh OK...left it at that but I just knew I was being lied too..... he left his phone unlocked and I went on it when he ran upstairs low and behold female friend and him did speak about a friends wedding which was fine however he failed to tell me that female friend had tried to facetime him the same night/next morning at 1am... when questioned why he didn't tell me about it he got very defensive and when i said I'm not putting up with this...you tell female friend its not ok to do this or we split up...he got up packed a bag and left.....

Was I unreasonable with my attitude towards his female friend? He hasn't actually seen her in the time we have been together as she lives elsewhere. We were together 15 months in total. What's your take on this? Sorry this is long

Wow, yeah. I’ve read through this post and can’t believe how many are shaming the OP for having feelings about her exs disrespect and emotional abuse towards her while he conducted his emotional affair in her face. Not lying about it isn’t the point. Guaranteed the guy wasn’t totally honest with her anyway. My conclusion from reading is like others here have said, loads on here are either totally naive to the male mind and mens investment in women and reason why, or they have really rubbish boundaries themselves/ are the type who are having emotional affairs/ cheating in their own relationships, don’t want to be “controlled” because they want to be free to have their cake and eat it. That can be the issue with asking questions on here, the disparity in moral views and boundaries when you ask a bunch of random people the same question. He really hurt you OP and you had every right to expect more from him, but he showed his true colours in the end, and you deserve better

Er, yeah. When he actually sleeps with someone would be about the time.

If he's literally just friends with someone then no, I wouldn't go nuts, accuse him of having an emotional affair because 'men can't control themselves', or invade his privacy.

I don't know what men you've been associating with to make you think that it's impossible for them to have a friendly chat with a woman, but I strongly suggest that you find better company. That's not in the least bit normal.

Both of you sound like you were in a miserable, incompatible relationship. I think there’s issues on both sides. As he didn’t actually answer her call, why would you give him a dramatic ultimatum to cut her off? What was the thought process when he wasn’t the one to call her, and he didn’t engage with the call? Seems like you’re punishing him for respecting the boundary you previously put in place…

Whilst I wouldn’t want my partner to FaceTime friends more than he FaceTimes me, I also wouldn’t expect him to cut off lifelong friends. Sometimes you have to come to terms with people having a life before you and a life outside of your relationship. Their friendship predates your relationship. Also if these 2 wanted to get together, presumably they would have already in the time they’ve known each other. Something about them dating obviously doesn’t work, so I wouldn’t dwell on her too much. You need to focus on what you have that she doesn’t, because presumably that’s why he was with you and not her.

so for you cheating is just physical, not when your partner clearly has very intimate relationships with other people that are not yet at that stage...fine.

this is how the "i dont know why he left me for OW" threads happen

FWIW OP I have a very long term male friend. He would frequently compliment me and we’d be up to the early hours chatting. I could call him at any time if the night. We were intense and still love each other very much platonically.

BUT when we met our partners (future spouses) the paradigm of our relationship changed. We had utter respect for our partners and dialled the intensity of our friendship down without even really knowing we were both doing it.

We still love each other dearly but we go to our spouse for the support we used to seek from each other AND his wife has become the main point of contact for me, as that feels right to us all. And she’s now a bloody wonderful friend to me!

In my experience what you were experiencing was not the usual relationship between plutonic friends and I would have also been very uncomfortable. I totally agree with the posts by @5128gap! She’s summing it up for me!

Op. It’s over. Try to move on. Stop obsessing. The bottom line is he had a close female friend and it made you jealous and insecure. For you it was a boundary that couldn’t be crossed.

neither of you were wrong as such, simply incompatible.

Bizarre your only boundary is your partner not sleeping with others. I don’t think a one night stand, for instance, is any worse than them having an ongoing emotional / pushing the boundaries relationship with an another woman right under my nose. Horses for course I guess 🤷‍♀️

There is a huge grey area between being just friends and having sex.

It's not an either or situation.

Genuine friendships are never wrong. Where two people are behaving like boyfriend and girlfriend just without the sex, it is wrong.

There’s lots of example stories of women here with male besties who are outraged that anyone would think anything is going on, yet some of the language used is like they are describing the love of their life. Each to their own, if your partners are fine with that that’s good for them, most people are not, and the point of responding to those that call her “controlling” etc, is to point out that she had perfectly normal and reasonable boundaries.

There are people on this forum who have emotional affairs with others without even realising that’s what they are doing, or need more attention than a partner could give them. I think those kinds of people belong together, and I think people with stronger boundaries who are very much invested all of themselves in one person belong together. It’s not always clear what kind of person you are dealing with when you first get together.

The original poster was not controlling, she just had certain expectations within a relationship that the majority of people have. Having a friend of the opposite sex that you interact with daily, on an emotional level is more than platonic, even if you don’t have sex. The foundations for an affair are firmly in place, and generally one of them at least has stronger feelings for the other. It’s how affairs happen. It’s odd to continue to invest so much in someone when you are coupled up.

with my guy, he has constant paranoia about me “liking other men”, “who do you talk to” etc. I didn’t like any other men and didn’t have any males in my life I would chat with or that I would consider more than aquaintances. It was pure projection, because he knew his own interactions were not innocent.

That sounds like a classic case of toxic monogamy.

It's perfectly fine to have friends. Your partner should not be expected to be the only adult in your life who you're close to. It's normal and healthy to have other people in your life that you're also close to.

Pushing a partner's friends out of their life because you're too insecure to cope with it sounds like an excellent way to make the relationship fail. Which the OP has come on to tell us about.

@TheGirlFromTomorrow that is not the scenario the OP has come on to tell us about though is it? This is a man who was telling the Op he found the female friend attractive, he was having hours long FaceTimes with her, interacting at nighttime at weekends with love hearts etc etc. I have male mates but I have never had this level of investment because they are just mates. I especially wouldn't have this level of investment when in a relationship as I have respect for my partner. I also think you need to give the OP some credit that it’s her in this scenario and her gut feeling was this was more than friendship.

I haven't read anything from OP that confirms this was a relationship.

Twenty years of friendship without getting together, dating other people, and never actually being in the same room together is a pretty odd scenario to describe as an affair.

There are plenty of insecure, controlling people out there who don't want their partner to have any close friends, and vice versa, who can go out with each other and have a lovely relationship of mutual suspicion, peppered with spying. I couldn't live like that myself, but I'm sure it suits some people.

@TheGirlFromTomorrow As PP said above, for many many people, it doesn’t have to be a relationship / sex for it to be then be more than friends. Your mindset seems to be they can do what they want as long as it’s not physical. I think he was investing more than friendship with this girl but from what I gather she lives in another country so this is all it can be. Sorry but from what I’ve read if these two were in a hotel room for one night, I would put money on something happening. I just think it’s very damaging to be calling someone controlling for not accepting something a lot of people would not accept. Equally he doesn’t have to change so he would probably need to meet someone with your mindset, where he’s free to invest in other women as much as he wants as long as he doesn’t sleep with them 😊

@TheGirlFromTomorrow i will be very blunt - I have genuine friends and I've had friends who were probably feeling very friendzoned. Ones that would absolutely have sex with me if they could - and those were the sorts to act like what OP described. You can be the best of friends with someone and you won't be having multiple hours long calls each week unless you or them are the most needy people on earth and possibly have nothing else going in your life at all

I wasn't aware that having a long conversation constituted an effective relationship to some people.

How people live!!

multiple, hours long conversations on frequent basis

people who have healthy relationships dynamics and...you know...actual life, would not have that sort of time to invest into their normal friendships. this is not normal

exactly 👏

Talking to friends is abnormal now! 😂

Honestly, if it makes you happy to have only one significant relationship in your life forever, you do that. But personally, I and many others would find that beyond suffocating. And I would hate to have a partner whose only significant adult in their life was me.

@TheGirlFromTomorrow not sure what your agenda here is of being so dismissive and misconstruing people’s comments. No one has said people can’t have other significant friendships. Having conversations with others isn’t abnormal either. However, having heavy investment, ongoing daily lengthy conversations, love hearts and midnight chats, with someone you openly admit you find attractive is completely different, especially when in a committed relationship. Anyway my last word is to @Littlemisslonley to say I hope you stick to your boundaries in future and know you are far from controlling. You are also right not to be with this man anymore as your boundaries are not compatible. Good luck for future.

@TheGirlFromTomorrow at this point I'm just be going to assume you want to deliberately derail the threat and you're just pretending to not understand what anyone is saying

No, there are just people who don't live their lives exactly the way you do. I don't know how old you are, but that really shouldn't be news to any adult.

And I'm certainly not the only person on this thread who doesn't agree with your point of view.

Perhaps stop mistaking your opinion for a fact?

@TheGirlFromTomorrow

Perhaps stop mistaking your opinion for a fact?

Practice what you preach eh?

It's not an opinion that I have long term platonic friendships with men. It's a fact.

No….not toxic monogamy, I trusted my partner 100%. He was a liar and gaslighter who had told all these females he fancied them but that “nothing could happen” according to him….no he didn’t have a clue where the lines are between monogamy and platonic friendships. So no, I’d never take the blame for HIS toxicity and his desire for to “accept that part of him”. No thanks.

I agree fully with what others have plainly spelled out, a romantic relationship is an investment of heart, body and mind. Who has the time or inclination to pour into someone to that extent, long regular conversations and texts, and all the other stuff mentioned in the post. Firstly it 100% implies much more than a platonic relationship where you can go weeks, months without seeing or hearing from someone. Secondly it takes so much away from the primary relationship, and is disrespectful to your partner. Thirdly, who wants that level of intimacy with someone they aren’t wanting more with? That’s the bit I’d find suffocating! Yes I would only have that energy for my romantic partner, but besides that it’s something special to give your romantic partner, the deep intimate parts of your heart and mind, thoughts and that level of closeness. No way would I send pics of myself to other men to check out my outfit or spend hours chatting and bonding with them. Like others have said, if you’re that type, please do the rest of us a favour and go and date that type also. If one of my friends needed me, I’d be there for them with the chats and support etc, but I’m not close in that way with any men, and if a man is that needy with a female he generally has more than platonic feelings for her unless she’s his mum, sister, or he’s gay.