Now ex boyfriend and his female friend...

[Littlemisslonley]

I feel I just need some clarification that I'm not overly left wing about a situation with my now ex bf and his female friend.

Female friend has been friends with ex dp for 20 years apparently however I have not seen any older pictures of them together (only pictures I have seen of them together are only 5 years old latest) and he has pictures all over his FB from his early 20s to his late 30s so that doesn't make sense also I have only heard stories of said female friend from approx 5 years ago...when questioned ex dp was very solid on the 20 years of friendship ex dp is 41....nothing major there just a weird thought that I had about the situation.

When me and ex dp got together he spoke of his female friend alot and was very complimentary towards her said she is very attractive very funny very much like him blah blah even went as far to say he thinks she has had a boob job because she used to make jokes about the lenght of her nipples (wtf) however she seems much more confident with her boobs now (at the time I thought this was a really weird thing to say but left it) anyway fast forward 7 months into our relationship and ex dp showed me a picture of female friend in a beautiful wedding sort of dress which she had sent him and I saw his response to her which said "you look gorgeous darling" basically speaking to her as he would to me....

I raised it with ex dp and explained its close to my boundarys the way he is speaking to her he didn't agree however he said he understand my point of view... in the meantime between all of this my ex dp would have hours long facetime calls with female friend but only when I was not with him...he would tell me afterwards "sorry been quiet been on facetime for few hours with female friend"...the next thing I see is ex dps Snapchat score increasing alot on Friday and Saturday nights ...turns out he only Snapchats female friend and I asked oh is she out and about? He said yes she sends him snaps all the time and he replies with "❤" to her pictures...again brought up boundaries and how it's not appropriate to send that to another women friend or not....he didn't understand again but took it. Again. At this point he didn't mention female friend as openly as he used too anymore..

Fast forward to the close of our relationship I questioned if he had heard from female friend or spoke to her as he hadn't mentioned her in a few months which was very unlike him as he brought her up often....he said yes spoke with her via msg a few weeks ago about her friends wedding...I said oh OK...left it at that but I just knew I was being lied too..... he left his phone unlocked and I went on it when he ran upstairs low and behold female friend and him did speak about a friends wedding which was fine however he failed to tell me that female friend had tried to facetime him the same night/next morning at 1am... when questioned why he didn't tell me about it he got very defensive and when i said I'm not putting up with this...you tell female friend its not ok to do this or we split up...he got up packed a bag and left.....

Was I unreasonable with my attitude towards his female friend? He hasn't actually seen her in the time we have been together as she lives elsewhere. We were together 15 months in total. What's your take on this? Sorry this is long

Oh love I am so sorry this happened to you...thats awful....I bet that really hurt you and seems to be a point of pain when he does mention her especially with the Iceland situation....wow! It's insane isn't it how these men think this is perfectly acceptable? We signed up for a 2 person relationship not bloody 3

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry you've had to go through similar things it hurts....

Thank you for everyone who had my back in this tread. You've really helped me see I was and am not controlling and thats so helpful to me right now.

I can't thank you all enough for this...on the down days I will re read these comments from you and I will give my head a wobble. It will be 6 weeks since the split on Thursday...the funny thing is he's blocked me on everything since Sunday night...no reason to it I wasn't even messaging him think he did it to get a reaction from me as I didn't reply to his last message.... why are people so mean? Why can't we just all be happy xx

@Littlemisslonley - blocking you on everything - I keep thinking this guy is 21, not 41. He just seems like a child. It stings but you’re so much better off out of this. He’s doing you a favour by showing what an arsehole he is.

OP, you do seem to have a misunderstanding about boundaries. They are not a limit on other people's behaviour. If you try to use them that way, then it IS controlling.

They are a limit on what you allow or do not allow in your life. So no-one can truly bust your boundaries except you.

So once you said you were uncomfortable with his behavour and he didn't change, that's the point where you enforce your boundary by leaving.

This then means you don't have to let it mess with your head by over-analysing and needing validation for your choices from others. It's all about you and what you want your life to be like.

OP - you really do misunderstand what boundaries are. Yours seem to expand so broad into another person’s life where it does become controlling. And you are unwilling to even consider it, despite coming here purportedly to ask for opinions.

If there is no cheating/flirting/other behaviour that is threatening to the relationship - in your partner’s communication with some other person - male or female - your cant police it.
Its not your place to decide its ‘inappropriate’. Its manipulative to threaten a breakup to get your way.

Face-timing attempt at 1am is not some universally accepted major event. And its certainly not something you need to spy to uncover and then ‘confront’ someone’s with. It only makes you look bad to act this way.

If you believed the woman in question is a threat to the relationship - there were other ways of dealing with it.

@Littlemisslonley

You have your boundary in place. His boundaries are obviously different than yours. You preserved your happiness. Permit him to have his.

Obviously, you were not compatible. Better for both of you to have discovered this early on rather than later.

I agree with the last few posts about the boundaries issue.

Your boundaries are yours and yours alone. If someone does something that pushes your boundaries, you leave. You don't try and rein someone into your boundary and keep them there.

Yes I agree to an extent as I never tried to control what he was doing or stop him doing what he was doing his actions were his own however you are right I should of enforced my boundaries and left much sooner rather than go over it again for him to then say he doesn't fully understand but agrees etc....I will take this on board though as I never want to be controlling

Yes 100% and I've learnt that the hard way with no leaving as soon as I should of I should of left when my boundarys were broken and continually broken

@Dery haha that's my thoughts too...he's also 10 years older than me! I thought the older the man the more mature and better at communication obviously I got that wrong too! Haha x

I must be the most antisocial person on this site, but I cannot recall last time I've had an hours long conversation with a "friend" over facetime / phone. Let alone have these frequently

everything else could potentially be explained on its own, but combined...it sounds like distance and possibly this woman's platonic feelings are what prevented OPs ex from getting with her

@PaintedEgg
There are no rights or wrongs in this situation Jud different perspectives on conducting friendships and relationships . .It has nothing to do with maturity and everything to do with perspective and outlook.

In this there were 2 people with 2 very different outlooks. No harm no foul. Both can find partners with whom they are more compatible.

Your boundaries are not what you impose upon others .The are the parameters that you put in place for yourself.

The OP's boundaries are intact , and yet it appears that she thinks that her ex was somehow wrong because she adhered to her boundaries while he adhered to his boundaries

In my direct experience, certain men love the ego boost of having a woman like her interested in them. You deserve much better than being the everyday woman that he doesn't chat to or get excited about in the same way (especially if his child was involved, it's unfair on them too).

You've had a lucky escape. And they won't work out, when the furtive sneaking around, secrecy and excitement has completely disappeared . Onwards and upwards for you, though! Delete all his contact info today, is my advice.

There's always going to be a divide on what people consider to be a deal-breaker in a relationship.

But if you want my opinion, I think you've been really unreasonable. I've got male friends I've had for that long. It is entirely platonic. It is entirely possible to have a platonic friendship with the opposite sex. I can 100% guarantee that it is.

You do get a lot of women on MN who expect the man they're dating to have only male friends and you'll certainly get plenty of them here to flatter you over your views. But no, it's not a universally held viewpoint.

If you treated me the way you treated your partner, I'd be thinking good riddance to you. I absolutely wouldn't want that level of suspicion over my motives, I seriously wouldn't appreciate someone thinking I wanted to sleep with my friends, and if you went through my phone and started questioning me about my missed calls, you couldn't pack your bags fast enough.

@Mari9999 people who have nothing to hide don't hide things and he clearly did

I have a number of male friends and my has a number of female friends.

I still don't think the OP was unreasonable.

That's fine. If you want a partner that doesn't trust you and goes through your phone whenever he feels like it, that's up to you. I'm sure there are plenty of men like that out there!

Personally, I would find that behaviour absolutely unacceptable though.

He sounds like a chancer, and you sound controlling.

If he is your ex then it's nothing to do with you anymore. Move on with your life and be happy instead of this fixation you have going on.

the argument about "trusting your partner and not going through his phone" only works when said partner does not act in a way that causes mistrust and the subsequent phone snooping does not support the mistrust

Good on you for having high standards and you will go on to meet a man you deserve.Why women put up with such horrible men astounds me,they must have low standards and feel they don't deserve any better

You were only together 15 months and he's now your ex.
Don't give him any more headspace. It's not worth it.

I mean, it doesn't sound like he did anything wrong here?

He has a female friend, and they chat a lot over social media. He doesn't do it when you're together because he's focusing on you.

You tell him you're uncomfortable with it, tell him your boundaries (which I feel are somewhat over the top, and a little bit controlling). He doesn't agree to them but you stay with him anyway. You continue to question him and then you invade his privacy. You accuse him despite him telling you the truth about when he last spoke to her. He rightly decides he's not putting up with this shit and ends the relationship.

He sounds like a sensible bloke who's had a lucky escape to me!

It’s not a stick…..I just think many women in her either show their naivety regarding the male mind, or they are also lacking boundaries, don’t want to feel “controlled” in their lack of boundaries, and so consider someone’s desire for clear boundaries to be controlling.

Besides that, this is a forum open to absolutely anyone, so there will be plenty who don’t subscribe to traditional values and have all kinds of relationships, including open relationships. However just because someone subscribes to normal relationship expectations in a monogamous set up, does NOT make them controlling!

Please do not let some here imply you are the problem. You 100% were not. You stated very valid and reasonable concerns. His focus should have been you. They crossed the line in many different ways. For me, dating a man I love, hours of FaceTime and texts for no conceivable reason besides bonding is at the very least an emotional affair. Terms of endearment that should be reserved for a partner is not the kind of man I would invest in. Women send pics of their outfits etc to men that are interested in and want attention from, what other reason is there to do that?? Please don’t let people on here that don’t have perfectly reasonable boundaries and understanding of the male mind cause you to blame yourself for the break up and make you feel wretched. Any guy worth anything would not put the woman he loves through that kind of heartache. I’m sure you are right that he was as honest as he wanted to be with you, no doubt there is more to this, as like I said, men don’t pour that kind of energy into platonic relationships. I personally don’t think a man partnered up should be investing so much in another woman, and for me, it would be a dealbreaker. You got your answer when he walked away when it became a dealbreaker. No doubt he’s told her about this and she feels so special being “chosen”. This guy is playing the long game and he’s a total t**t. You deserve much better.

I also agree with what someone else posted about you being triangulated. Please look this up, the guy had narcissistic traits and needed you to feel in competition, he only loved himself. Men like this need constant back up sources of supply and don’t really care about anyone but themselves. Guaranteed she’s not special, and even if they ended up together he’s probably got more back up sources of supply to massage his absolutely massive ego.